bash.org archive

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us
as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it
will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears
to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN
OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY  HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I  DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds
to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in
my apartment it is.

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after
i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face
over the internet

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK
<tatclass> er.
<tatclass> hi.
<andy\code> A common typo.
<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to
celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the
sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to
my face so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've
chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was
staying with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy fuck.
<DeadMansHand> i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking
right now
<DeadMansHand> im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be
worrying about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried,
you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going
to be worrying about this shit all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> fucking ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last
night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be
an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought
he was with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh fuck.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that
im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to
think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise
when they meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key
<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> fuck me

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means
that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs
around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always
starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in
that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going
to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great
resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for,
but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your
resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants.
But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified
and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out,
we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will
never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to
complain about the person that we hired.

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #
themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
<anamexis> :<

* ab is away - gone, if anyone talks in the next 25 minutes as
me it's bm
being an asshole -          
<ab> HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS

<Anonymous> Now, I m sure many of you have encountered little
shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking
things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you
know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little
cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like
it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here s the best part. A biter got me today
when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too.
This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a
tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit s teeth as he was
grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get
wide, and started screaming  SHIT! SHIT!.  Now, my good
friend, Tom we ll call him, was there too, and he instantly
picked up on it. He started shouting  FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN T
GET IT! FUCK!.  By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts
crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and
starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye
and say,  Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he
just bit me and I m  I m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE. 
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire
store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his
mom isn t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed.
I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier,
all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice
little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to
hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the
moment I heard that sob.

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying
there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why
don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let
the problem solve itself?

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced
the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er --
got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They
snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really
looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry
Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes.
It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her
first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of
willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany
wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his
fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it
swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and
gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing
dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed
Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but
even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up
its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when
he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's
nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's
nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang,
and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he
whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a
fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly,
and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried
to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept
intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother
again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her
again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted
from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded
the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds
they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like
fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip
on his raised wang.

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a
bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all...
and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the
street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up,
and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was
crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing
there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave
us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks
with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

<death09>my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her
and her new boyfriend in bed
<ktp753>ouch.
<death09>yeah.i sent them to her dad

<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard
it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, shit

<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay
me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when
the bandwidth picks up after hours.
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired
instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright@TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit
(Leaving)

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice
aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you,
bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard
hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real
beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl.
8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of
the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is
ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest
sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000
Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are
only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of
****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my
lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as
flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr.
Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold
war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it
was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard
now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage
your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard
hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me
again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna
report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you
f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named
robert
<RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you?
<T-Wolf> ya, why man?
<RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?
<T-Wolf> you mother fucker

*** Now talking in #christian
-Word_of_God- Welcome Abstruse to #christian I am a Bible Bot.
For more info type: /msg Word_of_God !info
<Abstruse> !kjv numbers 22:21
<Word_of_God>  Numbers 22:21 -- And Balaam rose up in the
morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of
Moab. -  (KJV)
*** SageRider sets mode: +b *!
*@c211-30-208-111.rivrw3.nsw.optusnet.com.au
*** Word_of_God was kicked from #christian by SageRider
(Please dont Swear)
<Abstruse> I know I'm never going to be able to come back in
this channel again after this, but damn was it worth it to see
that...

<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a fucken impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

<NES> lol
<NES> I download something from Napster
<NES> And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading
it from me when I'm done
<NES> I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got
that from you"
<NES> "getting my song back fucker"

<Patrician|Away> what does your robot do, sam
<bovril> it collects data about the surrounding environment,
then discards it and drives into walls

<MooseOnDaLoose> Hey Mike
<goatboy> what?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> er?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> and?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> ...
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> i dont get it
<MooseOnDaLoose> AND YOU NEVER WILL.
<goatboy> bastard

<Sonium> someone speak python here?
<lucky> HHHHHSSSSSHSSS
<lucky> SSSSS
<Sonium> the programming language

<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said
there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red
like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness
with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue
back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

<Reverend> IRC is just multiplayer notepad.

<kow`> "There are 10 types of people in the world... those who
understand binary and those who don't."
<SpaceRain> That's only 2 types of people, kow.
<SpaceRain> STUPID

<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes  Mrs.Miller.. :-/

<wolf> 1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in
pile A
<wolf> 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
<wolf> 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find
the Business
Reply Mail Envelope.
<wolf> 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the
envelope you hold
in your hand.
<wolf> 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail
and walk away
whistling.
<wolf> I have now received two phone calls from the credit
card companies
telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with
coupons rather
then my application. They informed me that it they are
not pleased that
they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply
with "It says
Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to
ensure that your
business is more successful. They promptly hang up on
me.
<wolf> Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring,
so I got an
added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies
to the envelope
so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call
informing me about
the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my
change back. After
yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they
agreed to my
demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my
hand at this
very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night
in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was
gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<emoti_conartist> lol
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors
open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a shit
<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh
shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was
sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit
him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT
EVER

<turno> I want to fuck Michelle's brains out with my huge
fucking cock, over and over again .. and then her sister can
come and join us too.
<Seeker> Err turno, your mom reads the quotes on bash.org?
<turno> I'll fucking KILL YOU! !
<Seeker> Your mom does work for the church ? If she reads what
you just said she'd be pretty angry right?
<turno> Dude you have no fucking clue, don't seriously...
you'd be ruining my life.
<Seeker> Don't worry, I won't post it.
[Privmsg] <Seeker> Hey dude, I'm gonna paste something - will
you post it on bash.org?
[Privmsg] <opiate> the turno thing? haha you fucking bastard!!
[Privmsg] <Seeker> hehe his mom's gonna fucking kill him, drag
him to that church they go to and get the priest to sodomise
him.
[Privmsg] <opiate> yeah and then he's gonna come fucking kill
us, still I reckon it's worth it;)
[Privmsg] <turno> You're not gonna post it are you ? Please
don't .. I'm begging you.
[Privmsg] <Seeker> I'm not gonna post it:) and even if I did
she'd never know that your nick turno was her son Michael Savu
.
[Privmsg] <turno> *phew* spose you have a point

<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you shit on the floor, and
you can hear it fall but you have no idea where it actually
landed, and spend like 5 minutes looking for it
<peng> ...
<peng> what?
<VolteFace`> oh shit
<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you DROP shit

<Night-hen-gayle> I gotta go.  There's a dude next to me and
he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me
out.  Yes dude next to me, I mean you.

<tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
<Ouroboros> Ok.
<tag> |    .
<Ouroboros> .    |
<tag> |  .
<Ouroboros>    . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros>      | .
<Ouroboros> Whoops

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17
victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://
www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the
18 victims of the recent internet fraud'

<by> Is there anyway I can tell the world I'm an idiot?
<Seven7> Of course, just type your name, where you live and
your confession
<by> Kk
<by> I am Mark Duval of Belgium, and I am an idiot
<by> ?
<by> Now what?
<Seven7> Don't worry. It's done

<AgentSmith> It seems you have been leading two lives, Mr.
Anderson. In one life, you are Robert Anderson, assistant cook
at a Jack in the Box in Mesquite....in the other...you go by
the chat alias "Randerson"...spreading homosexual propoganda,
lying, and being a generally immature pest...
<AgentSmith> One of these...has a future.
<Randerson> LMAO OMFG where's the phone, I have to tell Dean
about this
<AgentSmith> How can you use the phone when you
cannot...speak?
*** AgentSmith sets mode: +m

SparTacus (rulimbaww@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has
joined #santcuary
*SparTacus is now known as Betty_Guns
wacko Jacko (lbeedy@1C57684.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined
#santcuary
<wacko_Jacko>ok spartacus just came n here i know it. which
one of you is that loser?
<hunney> I am spartacus
<ji_pper>no im spartacus
<Betty_Guns>I am spartacus
<mistr andersn>I m spartacus
<wacko_Jacko>ur all freaks thats what u r

<Locl-Yocl> I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all
over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people
with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down
the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at
the counter was mortified.

<third_planet> The other night my friend had some pot and
wanted me to smoke it with him, but we had nowhere to smoke it
because both our parents were home.
<third-planet> So we drove around looking for a place to park
so we could smoke in the car.
<third-planet> We eventually settled on a Wendys parking lot..
<Mr-Butlertron> The logic is all there...
<third-planet> I know, it was a ridiculous idea. We were just
desperate and that was the first place to pull off..
<third-planet> So we park in the back of the parking lot under
this tree, and it's dark out, so we figure we're secluded
enough. We start to light up and a cop pulls in. So we both
sit really still and hope the cop will think the car is empty
and just parked there. Or that he won't notice.
<third-planet> The cop circles the parking lot once, then
parks behind us and we're both freaking out. So Bobby, my
friend, takes all the pot and shoves it in the glove
compartment. But the car smells like pot, so we figure we're
busted.
<third-planet> So Bobby says we've gotta distract the cop from
the pot. In a huge flash, he rips his shirt off, undoes my
pants and sticks his hand inside. Before I can process what's
happening, the cop knocks on my window. Then he looks in and
sees Bobby shirtless, with his hand down my pants and turns
bright red.
<third-planet> I roll my window down and the cop says in this
really flustered voice, his face bright red, "you guys be good
now" and walks quickly back to his car and drives off.
<third-planet> He didn't even notice the smell of pot.
<third-planet> We drove home in the most uncomfortable fucking
silence ever.

<[TN]FBMachine> i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for
moving all the bibles into the fiction section

<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%

<UKDJ|Planet> I swear to god
<UKDJ|Planet> I've just heard a duck tell a joke
<Jock> o...k
<UKDJ|Planet> there was as group of ducks on a pond near where
i live
<UKDJ|Planet> one of the ducks was quacking away looking
straight at a group of like 10 ducks
<UKDJ|Planet> then he stopped and all the other ducks went
mental
<UKDJ|Planet> it looked just like duck stand-up comedy

docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
c8info: Why?
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in
fucking EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra
$69.99 to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun
wanna pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with
it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet
sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo
dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long
distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)

<kylev> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<kylev> hahahahaha
<kylev> some girl just came onto our floor
<kylev> and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my
sociology paper"
<kylev> i just asked her what the paper was about
<kylev> and she said the accomplishments and growth of
feminism
<`Neo> bahahahaha

<link>once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak
and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot  xxx
galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there
came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning,
mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered,
" give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
<hokage> *cries*, scary....

<glome> Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?!
<content> glome stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
<glome> Who me?!
<content> Yes you!
<glome> Couldn't be!
<content> Then WHO?!!
<glome> Woody stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
*** glome has been kicked by DrWoody (fuck you i didn't touch
the motherfucking cookie, bitch)

IronChef Foicite: well, there's a lot of reasons
IronChef Foicite: i mean, roses only last like a couple weeks
IronChef Foicite: and that's if you leave them in water
IronChef Foicite: and they really only exist to be pretty
IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying
IronChef Foicite: "my love for you is transitory and based
solely on your appearance"
IronChef Foicite: but a potato!
IronChef Foicite: potatos last for fucking ever, man
IronChef Foicite: in fact, not only will they not rot, they
actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sack
IronChef Foicite: that part alone makes it a good symbol
IronChef Foicite: but there's more!
IronChef Foicite: there are so many ways to enjoy a potato!
you can even make a battery with it!
IronChef Foicite: and that's like saying "i have many ways in
which I show my love for you"
IronChef Foicite: and potatos may be ugly, but they're still
awesome
IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying "it doesn't matter at
all what you look like, I'll still love you"

<_kr4m3r> so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty
continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"

<studdud> what the fuck is wtf

<h|tler> HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M 13 BY LOOKING AT
WHAT I'M
WRITEING?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

<@David> Yay I get laid today! Been a month.... needing it by
now
<@Sony> ...........
<@Sony> TMI TMI TMI
<@David> Only a few hundred pounds but its better than nothing
<Malpine> Thanks for the info
<@David> eh?
<@David> damn i meant PAID
<@David> I get PAID today
<@David> dammit

<ckx> women ask for it
<ckx> they act all old and mature
<ckx> and then you stick your cock up their ass
<ckx> and they get all bitchy
<ckx> "I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!"

<[BAC]Draxon|TWL>  "The animals will hear!" bellowed the ear
licking penguin as the awesomely endowed midget sucked her
oozing charlies and plugged his purple middle leg into her
festering cunt.
<[BAC]Draxon|TWL> oops
<[BAC]Draxon|TWL> wrong window
<d|syztem> what the FUCK

<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough. :(

<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would
poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started
doing it to them at funerals.

<reo4k> just type /quit whoever, and it'll quit them from irc
* luckyb1tch has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* r3devl has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* sasopi has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* phhhfft has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* blackersnake has quit IRC (r`heaven)
<ibaN`reo4k[ex]> that's gotta hurt
<r`heaven> :(

<Stormrider> I should bomb something
<Stormrider> ...and it's off the cuff remarks like that that
are the reason I don't log chats
<Stormrider> Just in case the FBI ever needs anything on me
<Elzie_Ann> I'm sure they can just get it from someone who
DOES log chats.
*** FBI has joined #gamecubecafe
<FBI> We saw it anyway.
*** FBI has quit IRC (Quit: )

<LordChewy> so my dad found my porn folder
<LordChewy> and he was getting all pissed
<LordChewy> so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not
stupid you know"
<LordChewy> "i know dad"
<LordChewy> "what do you have to say for yourself?"
<LordChewy> at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes
and say "C:Documents and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent
faxes"
<LordChewy> and he just shut up
<kingKahn> what is it?
<LordChewy> its his porn folder

< Alkivar> we're on our way back from partying in NYC over the
weekend ... it was like sunday afternoon we're headed back
west
< Alkivar> we're cruisin... maybe 130-140mph
< Alkivar> flew past a trooper on the side of the road
< Alkivar> trooper lights up ... siren blasting ... chasing us
down the highway
< Alkivar> we're both like should we stop ... there's no way
he can catch up to us
< Alkivar> we decided to be good and stop
< Alkivar> cop catches up to us ... comes out gun drawn ...
pissed as hell
< Alkivar> walks up to the side of the car and goes
< Alkivar> "SON CAN I SEE YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE"
< Alkivar> Jason pulls out his fucking pilot's license
< Alkivar> cop's jaw hits the fucking ground
< Alkivar> most stunned face I've ever fucking seen
< Alkivar> in this practically a whimper goes "get the fuck
out of here"
< Alkivar> no ticket... too embarassed apparently
< Alkivar> I'll never forget that day long as I live
< Alkivar> I was sure we were goin to jail

<DmncAtrny> I will write on a huge cement block "BY ACCEPTING
THIS BRICK THROUGH YOUR WINDOW, YOU ACCEPT IT AS IS AND AGREE
TO MY DISCLAIMER OF ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, AS
WELL AS DISCLAIMERS OF ALL LIABILITY, DIRECT, INDIRECT,
CONSEQUENTIAL OR INCIDENTAL, THAT MAY ARISE FROM THE
INSTALLATION OF THIS BRICK INTO YOUR BUILDING."
<DmncAtrny> And then hurl it through the window of a Sony
officer
<DmncAtrny> and run like hell

<Montana> yeh but chinese for dinner.. Peking Dick FTW
<Dauntless> ... LOL
<Montana> omg here we go
<Dauntless> Can you say bash.org?
<Montana> why? so it can join the other 1 million quotes of
random people saying 'i love wang.. oops typo, i meant
computers.
<Montana> Screw this
<Montana> If i'm getting quoted I'm getting my moneys worth:
<Montana> MONTY PRESENTS THE ULTIMATE QUOTE
<Montana> OMFG my naked sister just ran into my room and
before I could sex her she set fire/other means of destruction
to my room but because Im a total geek it doesnt occur to me
to get of irc and fix it.
<Montana> I instead enter a conversation on computers: OMG MY
COMPUTER HAS GOT A VIRUS! OH WAIT NO, ITS WINDOWS/LINUX/MAC/
NORTON/AOL. Now for the obligatory Windows ME insult where the
name of the product is mistaken for a pronoun for myself:
<Montana> ME SO GAY! WHOOPS IT LOOKS LIKE THE INTENDED PURPOSE
OF THAT STATEMENT WAS TO HIGHLIGHT MY OWN HOMOSEXUALITY
WHEREAS I MEANT IT TO BE THE HOMOSEXUALITY OF THE OPERATING
SYSTEM! HOW EMBARASSING!
<Montana> Now for the topic of sex:
<Montana> I HAVE A GF.. AND BY GF I OF COURSE MEAN A GFORCE
20MB 3.45 SYSTEM RETRO POWER MAX SUPERMAN RAPING COMPUTER
STICK!
<Montana> Furthermore, I make a comment as to the worth of sex
but comment of my lack of sexual activity.
<Montana> Hmm
<Montana> I'm forgetting the most impostant part! The lack of
social interaction!
<Montana> OMG I just opened my blinds and the sunlight burnt
and I saw this guy with a swollen chest and I was like WTF and
my dad says 'thats called a girl' im like WTF IS A GIRL then i
went and downloaded 50GB of porn.
<Montana> </end rant>
<Montana> Anyways, as I said before.. dinner.. brb
<Dauntless> o_o

<Zanthis(ALE)> AFK, tornado

<Batty> Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.
<zeep> rapc?
<Batty> ...
<Batty> Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
<zeep> oic
<Batty> Though you could also say it's missing an e
<zeep> wtf is erap?
* Batty bangs his head repeatedly against a wall

<Twig> I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was
saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl
every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys
in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a
key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock
is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut
her up.

<DaZE> at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints
to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of
these back this schools getting locked down and everyones
getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later
when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop
had 4

<WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs> i luv guyz where would they be wifout us
gals???
<XeNoX> Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.

<djahandarie> we ain't here to do e-c-e
<djahandarie> we're here to do c-s-e on the w-e-b
<djahandarie> listen to me spit these rhymes
<djahandarie> while i program lines
<djahandarie> and commit web accessibility crimes
<djahandarie> word, son
<http402> You talk like your big on these I-Net kicks,
<http402> But your shit flows slower than a two-eighty-six.
<http402> I'm tracking down hosts and nmap scans,
<http402> While Code Igniter's got you wringing your hands.
<http402> Cut the crap rap,
<http402> Or I'll run ettercap,
<http402> Grab your AIM chat,
<http402> N' send a PC bitch-slap!
<http402> peace
<djahandarie> you're talkin bout down hosts and nmap scans
<djahandarie> while i got other plans
<djahandarie> you're at your new job, but you can't even do it
right
<djahandarie> you just create a plight with your http rewrites
<djahandarie> i've been on the web since the age of three
<djahandarie> you just got on directly off the bus from
mississippi
<djahandarie> respect yo' elders, bitch
<http402> You've been webbin' since three, but still ain't
grown up,
<http402> Gotta update your config and send the brain a
SIGHUP.
<http402> You say you're that old? No wonder you're slow!
<http402> You're knocking at the door while I run this show!
<http402> Elders my ass, you're shit's still in school,
<http402> Hunt and pecking at the keyboard like a
spaghetti-damned fool,
<http402> Rim-riffing your hard drive like a tool,
<http402> Face it. I rule.
<djahandarie> i erase my harddrives with magnets (bitch)
<djahandarie> all you can do is troll on the fagnets
<djahandarie> and son, my brain's wrapped in a nohup
<djahandarie> it wont be hurt by the words you throwup
<djahandarie> dont mind me while i emerge my ownage
<djahandarie> while you're still over there apt-getting your
porridge
<djahandarie> you say i'm still in school
<djahandarie> but the fact is that i know the rule
<djahandarie> cuz you need to go back to grade three
<djahandarie> and you better plea, that they take sucky
graduates from c-s-e
<http402> Time to bend over and apply a patch,
<http402> Your brain's throwing static like a CD with a
scratch.
<http402> Your connection got nuked and you've met your match.
<http402> You run a single process like a VAX with a batch.
<http402> I'd pass the torch to a real winner
<http402> But it'd just scorch a while-loop spinner
<http402> Caught in a loop that you cant escape,
<http402> I run clock cycles around your words and flows,
<http402> Cuz your rhyme is like a PS fan: it' blows,
<http402> Your water-cooled lyrics leak and it shows,
<http402> Take your ass back to alt.paid.for.windows.
<djahandarie> Good god, I can't even respond to that. :P
<djahandarie> You win haha
* http402 takes a bow

Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude

* Porter is now known as PorterWITHGIRLFRIENDWHOISHOT
<Strayed> he shot his girlfriend?

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I m sorry. I m just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I m in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don t fucking laugh at me!
bloodninja: This shit is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a fucking break
bloodninja: I m serious.
sweet17: I don t get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I m wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It s kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are fucking sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren t one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I m not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: fuck you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to
send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren t you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don t want to send you the picture cause I m not
pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren t
sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKSHIT!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What s your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I m looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I ve lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I m not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my
picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn t you.
bloodninja: I ll be damned if it ain t!
sweet17: You don t look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy .
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go fuck yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won t get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn t have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You ve done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn t hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can t believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can t believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!
bloodninja: You d break both of his legs.
sweet17: You re a fucking wanker!
sweet17: I ve been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don t even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I m sorry.
sweet17: No you aren t
bloodninja: You re right. I m not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I m done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I m sorry.
sweet17: I m putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I ll eat your kitty
sweet17: You ll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I d eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn t get it hard after
seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I d like to know that the man eating me out is
excited yes
bloodninja: Well I m not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don t know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I m afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat.
then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn t that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won t do it if you don t want me to
sweet17: I didn t say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp  you say  HARRRR!!! 
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can t be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It s my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you ll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage
your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge
brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh  going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more
moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out
of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes
its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja:  still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around
your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple 
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of
the cabin 
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja:  going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

<samsim> I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at
the zoo
<samsim> and got mauled
<samsim> and people were talking about how there should have
been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the
cage
<samsim> a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of
deterrent
<samsim> for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in
the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in

< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my
MAC cant
< bawss> Right click.

<Fulgore> whats the complement to a 43 degree angle?
<sparks> My you're looking "acute" today
<Fulgore> fuck you

<DannyB> some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet
<DannyB> i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes
back
<DannyB> and can reload from there if i die
<DannyB> she was confused

gentoogod: omg dude
gentoogod: today i might the stupidest 3 people i ever met
gentoogod: thier 3 brains combined couldnt solve the dilemma
they faced today
siral21: what was it
gentoogod: ok before i say this
gentoogod: 100% true, not one second of a lie
gentoogod: this lady went into mcdonalds today and ordered a
big mac for her
gentoogod: and ordered 2 mcgrittles one for each kid. one had
bacon one without
gentoogod: her sons are around 18 or 19 so not infants
gentoogod: she went to the counter furious cause the son that
wanted bacon has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want
bacon has bacon on his
gentoogod: i fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop
laughing
gentoogod: so i finally stood up and asked her to repeat,
thinking maybe shes drunk
gentoogod: i swear to god she looked at me straight faced and
repeated it. and her 2 sons were beside her mad that they
didnt get the order they wanted

<Mikkel> If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with
your friend and you
woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would
you tell anybody?
<Celestya> i dont think so
<Mikkel> Wanna go camping?

<@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and
calls me a pervert
<@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught
my sister masturbating
<@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
<@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...

<Alanna> Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's
is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all
genders

<NHBoy> I broke my G-string while fingering a minor :(
<rycool> ...
<NHBoy> I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
<NHBoy> Oh well, time to buy new strings.

<BronsonTheBeef> So we were supposed to have a guest speaker
in one of my classes
<BronsonTheBeef> to talk about diversity and racism and shit
today
<BronsonTheBeef> prof's never met him..
<BronsonTheBeef> in walks this super black gangsta ghetto dude
<BronsonTheBeef> he's got a 'pimp' chain around his neck,
wearing FUBU everything
<BronsonTheBeef> has a gold watch and a ring on each finger,
smells like pot and beer
<BronsonTheBeef> he even had a do-rag on and a cigarrette
tucked behind his ear
<BronsonTheBeef> walks in in true rapper style flashing his
crazy ghetto signs at us
<BronsonTheBeef> the prof's like...'are you... jeff?'
<BronsonTheBeef> he goes 'true dat, ho' and says 'you all my
niggaz!' and he turns in a circle
<BronsonTheBeef> waving his arms in the air singing about
'niggaz in 'da house' or some shit
<BronsonTheBeef> so she tells him to give his speech on
diversity and shit
<BronsonTheBeef> and he starts talkin about 'the man' and how
'white folk be dissin'
<BronsonTheBeef> then like a minute later this other black
dude runs in dressed in a suit
<BronsonTheBeef> and says 'sorry I'm late'
<BronsonTheBeef> it turns out the first black dude was just
baked. he doesn't even go to college
<BronsonTheBeef> he just wanted to buy weed in the dorms

<glacial>  I love school
<glacial>  Today our term paper due date's set
<glacial>  Our instructor says that we WILL hand in the paper
on time, and she'll accept no excuses except illness, with a
note from our doctor, or a death in the immediate family, with
a note from the dead member.
<glacial>  So this wiseass pipes up: "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?"
<glacial>  She waits for the laughs to die down and says:
<glacial>  "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with
your other hand"

<xxxGirlygirlxxx> Thank you for listening to me.
<xxxGirlygirlxxx> You know your a really good listener.
<xxxGirlygirlxxx> Sweety please say something.
<Sandaedar> Ok I'm back.

<Insomniak`> Stupid fucking Google
<Insomniak`> "The" is a common word, and was not included in
your search
<Insomniak`> "Who" is a common word, and was not included in
your search

(Mootar) morons.
(Mootar) these people who live in my apartment complex are
connected to my wireless
(Mootar) they must think they're super-cool hackers by
breaking into my completely unsecure network
(Mootar) unfortunatly, the connection works both ways
(Mootar) long story short, they now have loads of horse porn
on their computer

<kyourek> There was a 23% drop in temperature.
<nappyjallapy> That's almost 25%!
<kyourek> ... That was one of the most worthless comments I've
ever heard.

<Hiroe> he was dressed as a big fuckin devil
<Hiroe> like, HUGE costume
<Hiroe> 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
<Hiroe> at some anime con in california
<Hiroe> they were double booked with a southern Baptist group
in the same hotel
<Hiroe> he's riding the elevator down to the con space
<Hiroe> doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
<Hiroe> he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice

<Beeth> Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like
are already taken.
<honx> well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P

JstWnnaHveFuN08: do you think i should call a guy friend and
talk to him about my problems? or will he not care?
Thilo: Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your
problems, you're obligated to give him a blowjob.
JstWnnaHveFuN08: lol thanks that cheered me up
Thilo: No problem. That'll be one blowjob please.

<YuFFie> SO U HACKING ME THEN HUH
<YuFFie> WElL I GOT NEWS FOR U MISTER I GOT MORE FIREWALL
POWERS NOW SO IM SECURE AND IM USING WINDOWS 98 SO IM REALLY
SECURE FROM HACKERS LIKE YOU SO YOU BETTA JUST GIVE UP CUZ U
GOT NO HOPE MISTER.
* YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) Quit (Quit:
Owned.)
* YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #
<YuFFie> HELP MY MOUSE IS MOVING BY IT SELF

<calin> we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick.. and
was all gothy.. and then one day we caught him buying an
assvibrator
<ecoli> ew.
<ecoli> wait, you "caught" him?
<ecoli> like, you were behind him in line at the assvibrator
store?
<Aero> he doesnt answer
*** Quits: calin (No route to host)

<frank> can you help me install GTA3?
<knightmare> first, shut down all programs you aren't using
frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
<knightmare> ...

<BigBurk> God i really cant stand windows me
<Felacio> heh i know. i moved to win2k
* Felacio sucks huge cock
<Felacio> errr ME, not /me

omg its zack wtf: my math teacher staples burger king
applications to failed tests

<MasterG>
.....................................................................
..................................
<judas> where's pacman when you need him?

(morganj): 0 is false and 1 is true, correct?
(alec_eso): 1, morganj
(morganj): bastard.

<Fenris> My mom found me perusing bash.org and looking up
quotes about incest, and was like OMG!
<Fenris> Now she actually goes there regularly to make sure
there aren't any new text words that have been searched for
<Fenris> I saw her looking at the site yesterday, and was
like, "WTF??"
<Fenris> And she said she was just checking to see what kind
of stuff I look at online.
<Fenris> I swear, someday I'm just going to rape that bitch.
<ctone> ...
<ctone> now theres a quote for bash.org
<Fenris> Don't you fucking dare.

<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but
I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I
heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he
was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops.
Once they get here, they search him and look at what he
fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries),
Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to
"Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver!

<born1986> why the fuck isn't my disc drive working
<born1986> i fucking worked on that essay for three friggin'
hours in school
<born1986> i now i cant finish it 'cos my fuckin drive ain't
working
<Z00ass> you got the right drivers?
<born1986> hell yes
<born1986> it was working fine yesterday
<born1986> why does this shit always happen to me?
<Z00ass> maybe that little clip on the side is i nthe wrong
position
<born1986> i havent touched it since school
<born1986> i'm growing impatient
<born1986> ANGRY even
<Z00ass> throw that shit out tha window
. . .
<born1986> OMG i fuckin did it!!!
<born1986> FUCK!!!!!
<Z00ass> it works?
<born1986> no, i threw it out the window
<Z00ass> the disk?
<born1986> NO the whole drive
<born1986> i live on the 6th floor, made a nice *smash*
<Z00ass> :D
<born1986> FUCK SHIT FUCK
<born1986> THE DISK WAS STILL INSIDE
<born1986> brb
. . .
<born1986> shit
<Z00ass> what? did ya break it?
<born1986> well i couldn't open the drive
<born1986> so i had to pound it against a rock
<Z00ass> :o
<born1986> quite HARD
<born1986> and you know what?
<born1986> that fucking disk wasnt even there
<Z00ass> ???
<born1986> i got so mad i threw the remaiders of the drive on
to the freeway
<born1986> and when i got back upstairs i foud the disk inside
my bag
<Z00ass> lol
<born1986> I NEVER EVEN PUT IT IN THE DRIVE
<born1986> i'm actually cryin right now
. . .
<born1986> wonder if i could make that drive work again
<born1986> brb

<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and
if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> wait
<spitfire> that made no sense

Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of
tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check
on tampax
Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push
in, or the kind you hammer in?"
Primus521: lol
Primus521: turns out he misheard him
Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs
Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face
Primus521: omfg
Primus521: til the day i die
Primus521: i will never forget it

<evilada>: Best suicide plan ever
<mcm310>: what is it?
<evilada>: you go up to the top of a roof
<evilada>: string piano wire tight across the front edge at
neck level
<evilada>: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the
building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully
stretched
<evilada>: then you put super glue on your hands
<evilada>: and put your arms around the front of the wire and
then back to touch your head
<evilada>: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your
neck but not your elbows
<evilada>: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside
down with no head....except your head will be in your
outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at
someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
<evilada>: And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE.
<mcm310>: i dont think i can be your friend anymore

<Fashykekes> Capitalization is the difference between "I had
to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my
uncle jack off a horse.."

<skrike> I think the people above me are having sex
<skrike> either that or they're sleeping restlessly and
agreeing with each other a lot.

<tomfoolery> there's a small fire burning in my room
<beretta> lemme guess im supposed to act suprised that you're
telling us and not making any attempt to extinguish it, so i
can submit it to bash where it will join the ranks of the
other "SOMETHING CATOSTROPHIC HAPPENED SO I CAME TO TELL YOU
GUYS ON IRC FIRST INSTEAD OF ATTEMPTING TO DEFUSE THE HOSTILE
SITUATION" quotes that are grossly abundant, similar, and
overrated. and despite a new one is submitted each week and
only the location of the fire is altered, loyal viewers firmly
believe it is a unique and hilarious quotation, pledging
support in the form of unneccesary votes

random girl: hey!
me: ...hi?
me: who is this?
random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
random girl: ur hot
me: thanks
random girl: np
me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don't want to talk to
her
me: what should I do?
random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off
or sumthing
me: oh alright
me: I have to go
me: my mom is kicking me off
me: bye

<Malagmyr> This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.
<Malagmyr> "In English," he explained, "a double negative
forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a negative."
<Malagmyr> "However," the professor continued, "there is no
language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
<Malagmyr> Immediately, a voice from the back of the room
piped up: "Yeah..... right...."

<@Terror> "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of
a battlefield."
<@cky> opposite over hypotenuse
<@cky> dipshit

<ohm> damn
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> DAMN
<ohm> i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my
grandmother's window pops up
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> i go like this to her
<ohm> "i want to suck on your clit"
<ohm> FUCK

<drmason> there was this one time I was wanking to porn...
<drmason> ... I kept a javascript tutorial open in another
window so my parents didn't start wondering why I was always
on the desktop with no windows showing
<drmason> so I'm just about to splurge when I suddenly hear my
dad coming up the stairs
<drmason> alt-tabbed to the other window and tried to pull my
boxers up... computer stalled JUST THEN as my dad was opening
the door
<drmason> I just stood up and was like "fuck... dad this
honestly isn't what it looks like"
<drmason> and he glanced at the screen and said "I sure hope
so because it looks like you're masturbating to a fucking
javascript tutorial"

<JoshtheRipper> Brad do you have any issues with " burn in "
on your plasma?
<KnaveBrad> nope
<JoshtheRipper> kool
<JoshtheRipper> How well does it handle blacks
<KnaveBrad> I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really
take it without some serious work

<Sigurd> a sprite is anything not static
<SRElysian> a sprite is a variable object
<SRElysian> be it 2d or 3d
<TorMuck> a sprite is a fucking soda
<TorMuck> you god damn geekass bastards

<BombScare> i beat the internet
<BombScare> the end guy is hard

<Galactic>  you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal
mascots
<Galactic>  I mean that is just some FUCKED UP SHIT
<Galactic>  the Trix rabbit, for example
<Galactic>  I dunno man... if I were him I'd be fucking
KILLING some kids
<Galactic>  I remember a commercial where the fuckin rabbit
WENT INTO A FUCKIN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN
FUCKIN MONEY.
<Galactic>  fuckin kids came outta NOWHERE and basically
fuckin mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit
<Galactic>  "silly rabbit Trix are for kids"
<Galactic>  Fuckin rabbit just sits there and looks depressed.
<Galactic>  FUCK NO that wouldn't fly with me
<Galactic>  I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those fuckin
bitches
<Galactic>  and made them go get me the REST of a "complete
breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them bitches and
THEN beat the shit out of them some more.
<Galactic>  and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit
does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a fuckin kid?
<Galactic>  I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot fuckin
RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't
immediately think
<Galactic>  "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go
over and share some of my cereal with him"
<Galactic>  NO.
<Galactic>  I'd be thinking
<Galactic>  "that's a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears
tucked under a baseball cap... what the FUCK was I just
smoking?"
<Galactic>  another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A
part of this complete breakfast"
<Galactic>  last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast
<Galactic>  they show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to
a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a fuckin grapefruit...
who the FUCK eats a breakfast that big
<Flaming_Duck>  not me
<Flaming Duck>  I don't even EAT breakfast nomore
<Flaming_Duck>  I mean, I eat when I get up
<Flaming_Duck>  but the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY
SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME"
<FLaming_Suck>  bitch, you make my fucking sausage and egg
sandwich when I pay you the fucking money
<Flaming_Duck>  don't give me that shit.
<Galactic>  Back to stupid cereal mascots...
<Galactic>  Lucky Charms.
<Galactic>  FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS
<Galactic>  Lucky can turn the fucking MOON into a
marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of fucking 6 year
olds?!?!?
<Galactic>  C'mon now, Lucky.
<Galactic>  I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a "Blow the
fucking kids up" spell SOMEWHERE
<Galactic>  or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those bitches.
<Galactic>  "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
<Galactic>  ....
<Galactic>  KILL THEM, BITCH!
<Galactic>  I dunno why I went off on this rant here
<Galactic>  it's just always bothered me."

-[Conroy_Bumpus]- OH FUCK ME
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
FROM SOCCER PRACTICE
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- 9 HOURS AGO
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- HOLY SHIT
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- BYE

<Axe> I
<Axe> do
<Axe> not
<Axe> know
<Axe> where
<Axe> family
<Axe> doctors
<Axe> acquired
<Axe> illegibly
<Axe> perplexing
<Axe> handwriting;
<Axe> nevertheless,
<Axe> extraordinary
<Axe> pharmaceutical
<Axe> intellectuality,
<Axe> counterbalancing
<Axe> indecipherability,
<Axe> transcendentalizes
<Axe> intercommunications'
<Axe> incomprehensibleness.
<JediHobbes> woah
<JediHobbes> *blinks*

<reptile-> The first time hypr opened a box of Cheerios and
looked inside he yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"
<hypr> wtf are donut seeds

<Spazz> Seems like when I say "FUCK" you get an EOF error  :o
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Bartolimis> fuck
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Bartolimis> fuck
<Spazz> fuck
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Spazz> fuck
<Bartolimis> stop
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Bartolimis> we're done >:)
<Ranto> hmh?
<Spazz> Your client got an error...
<Bartolimis> yeah, we're done saying fuck
<Spazz> everytime we said f***
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Spazz> Quit saying fukc
<Bartolimis> my bad
<Spazz> fuck*
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Icc> Someone says fuck and he drops ?
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)

*** Quits: TITANIC (Excess Flood)

Curt teh Juggler: our graduation ceremony was today, and right
when some gamer nerd got his diploma, someone in the audience
played the zelda "get item" music and he did the zelda
spin-hold-out-item stance
Curt teh Juggler: it was quite possibly the most amazing thing
ever.

<DigiGnome> Real life should have a fucking search function,
or something.
<DigiGnome> I need my socks.

Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?
AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are
on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are
unstoppable

<Quake-Hat> brad, your mom is fine as shit
<Quake-Hat> i think i will masturbate to her while i play with
my balls
<bad_brad> brad had to go blow his nose, but thanks for the
compliment, i will be calling your mother
<Quake-Hat> Jesus-fucking christ!!!

* Spoon casts Wall of Silence
*** Spoon sets mode: +m
<Goku> why?
<Spoon> Because exo went insane
<Goku> no, he just brought his insanity up to another level
* Sentinel checks..
*** Sentinel sets mode: -m
<exogen> THERE'S BUTTER ON MY FACE!
*** Sentinel sets mode: +m

SergioThree: there's other fish in the sea, man, she's just a
girl
Beatsfromkorea: no dude, that's bullshit.
Beatsfromkorea: Think of it this way. if your precious copy of
street fighter third strike broke and i told you "it's ok man,
there's other games in the sea. here, play mortal kombat
instead" what would you say? you'd be like, "fuck that, gimme
third strike."
SergioThree: ...
SergioThree: you just reached me on a level that i never
thought possible

<Domsey> Woah, I got the weirdest moment of my entire life
this morning
<bender> what happened?
<Domsey> you know, there was a party at my neighbours' last
night
<bender> yeah, you've been fucking drunk..
<Domsey> you've been there, too?
<bender> sure...
<Domsey> well, you see i can't remember anything
<Domsey> but this morning I woke up in my bed, and there was
my mom lying next to me.
<bender> wtf...?
<Domsey> That's exactly what i thought
<Domsey> So, my mom got up instantly when i woke up, smiled at
me and said "U're so much better than your dad is." then she
left the room
<bender> OMFG!!!
<bender> you didnt do that! TELL ME IT WASNT LIKE THAT!!! TELL
ME YOU'RE A DUMBASS LIAR!!!
<Domsey> no, i'm not lying
<bender> OMG!!!
<Domsey> but it turned out she was playing a trick on me.
Paycheck for coming home late, all drunk.
<bender> ...
<bender> your mom's such a freak. o.O

<Tall Israeli> I think just about anyone who meets me and
talks to me for long enough comes to terms with the fact that
I am a very sick, twisted person. Also factor in a few
mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer connection, and boredom and you
get what might be the funniest combination imaginable.
I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin,
REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I
realized that it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were
to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as
within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.
Then the Tom got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.
What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick
pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.
The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating
cake." I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download.
Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the
third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super
highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to
the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty
downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in
the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging
themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow,
one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led
Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Confused" in front of a live
audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue.
The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the
lawn naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any
downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two.
Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges
wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's
not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty,
they got the song "Ozone baby."
For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding"
into the more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could
say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred
eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses
and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in
people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. "How can
nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're
ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this
as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol,
hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that
masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really
something their mothers would be proud of.
I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo
Sex." Short and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from
amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a
common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse
many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the
human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO
PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo
table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year
old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double
check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had
shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget.
They asked for Grandma.
They got Joan Jett.
At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral
inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl
on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my next proud creation.
Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such
dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never
underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting
itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a fudging semi
hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred
twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.
At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged
Baboon" popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple
factory." No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who
could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess
people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring,
banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear",
having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces
baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look
like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words
into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love.
Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he?
This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment,
however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my
pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling,
perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and
a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and
bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a vicious dump."
How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one,
for that matter?
Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce
of faith in humanity.
If I may quote Method:
"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."

<Kuiper> Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been
warmer than it was last week.
<kikuichimonji> Why does it seem like every time you join this
channel, you end up talking about the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Is your life so unimaginably dull that you
can't think of any events in your life to describe that might
be more interesting than the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Let's think of something for you to talk about
other than the weather.
<kikuichimonji> I mean, we barely even know anything about
you, other than where you live.
<kikuichimonji> Let's start there.  What do you do for a
living?
<Kuiper> I'm a meteorologist.

<lib1790> so, at this college there was an extra credit
question "Is hell endothermic or exothermic"
<lib1790> this is what one kid wrote:
<lib1790> First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they
must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at
what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
<lib1790>As for souls entering hell, lets look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one
of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
<lib1790> Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in
hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of
souls and volume needs to stay constant.
<lib1790>So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and
pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose
(i.e.,Hell is exothermic).
<liv1790>Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than
the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and
pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is
endothermic).
<lib1790>So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by
Ms.Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a
cold night in hell before I go out with you," and take into
account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a
relationship with her, the second case cannot be true.
Therefore, hell is exothermic.
<lib1790> the kid was the only one who got credit

<@AntiHeiss> friend of mine went to jail last night
<@AntiHeiss> he probably isn't getting out for a while
<%The_Coolest> y?
<+Enyo> why?
<%The_Coolest> :o
<@AntiHeiss> it was a girl cop, she was pretty cute too
<@AntiHeiss> she said anything you say can and will be held
against you....he sat there for a while and said 'tits'

<Ich> I have passed the transitional stage of internet
geekhood
<Ich> I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the
code for plums, which is 4040.
<Ich> and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in
wrong.
<Ich> and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
<Ich> and I actually laughed out loud

<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta :D
<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her
house
<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know
where i lived?

<Meph|st0> Complaint : BOUGTH IT FOR MY COUSIN WHO HAD CANCER,
ITEM NEVER ARRIVED AND MY COUSIN DIED
<Meph|st0> thats the greatest ebay feedback i have ever seen

<MortalKombat> stfu mat|t u cu.nt
* Acaila sets mode: +b MortalKombat!*@*
<@Acaila> FINISH HIM
<mat|t> rofl
<MortalKombat> omg wtf man
* MortalKombat was kicked by Acaila (forward, forward, back,
back, forward, punch)
<@Acaila> FATALITY!

<ikkenai> i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese
teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers

Gear Grinder X: once, we had these total freak seventh day
advenist (or whatever) freak ass neighbors
Gear Grinder X: and this girl Lanna was a little younger than
me
Gear Grinder X: she was a bitch, and they were all totally
religious
Gear Grinder X: she threw rocks at me once on my bike, and so
I turned around, and went to run over here
Gear Grinder X: I was hauling ASS, and you know what she did?
Gear Grinder X: put her hands on her hips, and stood there and
said "The lord will protect me"
Gear Grinder X: well.... he didn't

<Locke|Away> I found a note in one of my old word .docs that
said Note to self: Get revenge on Valvados.
<Locke|Away> Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to
get revenge for.
<Locke|Away> But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it.
<Valvados> ...
<Valvados> o.o
<Valvados> hmm
<Valvados> i dunno what you were supposed to get revenge for,
either
<Locke|Away> I can only assume you got what was coming to
you.  Not 100 percent sure, though.
<Valvados> well, whatever i did, i guess i deserved it
<Locke|Away> Let that possibly be a lesson to you.

dftpnkezln: For all of you reporting a score more than 100 as
you iq lol @ you. How can you possibly score more than 100%?
dftpnkezln:I'm very happy with my score of 89.

<factorial_nine> "Male masturbation is a personal turn off for
me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who
doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."
<factorial_nine> GOOD LUCK, BITCH.

<beser> Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum
of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice
and all that good stuff.
<beser> Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other.
One door has a sign hanging over it saying "Those with
prejudice walk through this door" The other door's sign said
"Those without prejudice walk through this door". Obviously
the door for people without prejudice isn't openable because
as the tour guide says "Everyone has prejudice".
<beser> So, I start tugging on the door and say "What the hell
is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?"
and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus
for 15 minutes

<Raize> can you guys see what I type?
<vecna> no, raize
<Raize> How do I set it up so you can see it?

<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out
stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that

ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you
something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg fuck you you fucking prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight
asshole
cyph33r: YOU ARE A FUCKING FAGGOT YOU KNOW THAT
cyph33r: I FUCKING HATE YOU
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it
right?
cyph33r: FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

<reuben> somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front
door, then running away
<reuben> i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up
some electricity to the doorknob
<cristobal> why don't you put ice on the stairs
<cristobal> and heat up the door knob
<cristobal> and swing paint buckets down from your two story
foyer
<cristobal> then a few years later, fade from the public
eye.....

<acidwar> last night, tony and I decided to stop off on the
way to the party to get some beer
<acidwar> we come out of the shop a few minutes later and
there's a parking guy writing a ticket
<acidwar> tony goes up to him and asks him what the ticket's
for, parking guy explains that the car is parked in a no
standing zone
<acidwar> tony starts abusing him and tells him to cram it up
his ass, so the guy writes a ticket for abusing him
<Nuzzler> haha
<acidwar> so tony gets up him even more, and every time he
says something the guy writes another ticket
<acidwar> 14 tickets later, the guy gives up and walks off
<dendyh0> ...
<acidwar> and we both PISS ourselves laughing as we walk back
to tony's car around the corner, leaving some poor bastard
with 14 parking fines :D
<dendyh0> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<Nuzzler> ROFL!!

<@maddox> FUCK!
<@maddox> my mom just found my website
<+DMTec> isn't she proud?
<+khoveraki> ha
<@naken> you've been on tv 2 times, in the newspapers several
times, been banned from a country, has 40 million pageviews
<@naken> and you didn't tell your mother?
<@maddox> "what is this? Did you draw this? It looks like a
penis."  "No mom, I didn't draw a penis"
<+DMTec> ROFL
<+DMTec> "no mom, i didn't draw a penis" thats good
<@maddox> now she's crying
<RichK> haha, your mom doesn't know about your website?
<@maddox> (on the phone)
<+DMTec> maddox: did she see the "suprise - I have a
penis"-greeting card?
<@maddox> dmtec: oh fuck, I forgot about that.. yeah I guess I
did draw a penis.
<RichK> bahahahaha
<@maddox> hahahahahaha she just said "I wish I would have died
and not raised you"
<+khoveraki> rofl
<@maddox> she hung up
<RichK> You are dispwned maddox

<XnD> Personally its not God I dislike, its his fan club I
cant stand

<Kazz> Do vampires have anuses? Cause that's why I wouldn't
let this kid invade a vampire's anus in this RPG, right, I was
GMing, and his character was an Anus Shade, with the power to
possess and control the anuses of people and animals.. and I
figured that vampires don't have anuses.
<Zaratustra> a vampire's anus is present, but non-working.
<Zaratustra> like a network card without the appropriate
driver.
<Kazz> Wow. You're the biggest dork on Earth.
<Sharkey> And you're DMing an rpg with Anus Shades.

Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this
elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this
antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont
you eat this root."

<Polytope> tetris is so unrealistic

<green> We vegetarians love the environment. carnivores are
sick freaks.
<Frank> How can vegetarians possibly love the environment..
you keep eating all the fucking plants

Spin: arrrr, pirates of the south west
Spin: thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety.
Pirate: yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar.
Spin: what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder
NMSU puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin.
Pirate: yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with
a grand ol CDR.
Pirate: Avast!
Pirate: MP3s off the starboard bow!
Spin: stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east.
Pirate: I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off.
Spin: encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security
patches, argh thar be spyware abound.

WallJam7: roses are red
WallJam7: violets are blue
WallJam7: all of my base
WallJam7: are belong to you

<+mOrphz> damn it :/
<@Lego> damn it :/
<+mOrphz> stop that
<@Lego> stop that
<+mOrphz> :D
<@Lego> :D
<+mOrphz> Lego smells
<@Lego> Lego smells
<+mOrphz> /quit
quit: (Lego) (~leet@apex|Lego.user.gamesnet) (Quit)

<DemonEater> wtf
<DemonEater> ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope
championship
<DemonEater> who the hell watches jump rope competiti--- ooh
bouncy

<Pahalial> "ignorance more frequently begets confidence than
does knowledge" - Charles Darwin
<kionix> wtf? begets isn't a word. quit trying to make up
words, fuckface.

<Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are
similar the CDC?
<Lucent> who?
<Thumb> center for disease control
<Lucent> i said WHO
<Thumb> what? i'm asking you
<Lucent> World Health Organization

<pihlopase> Jesus Saves
<jbroome> pases to moses, SCOOOOORE

<blazemore> omg i love this song
<blazemore> Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps.
(0:47/3:24)
<Javi> blazemore:  yeah, that's a bad ass song

<Fireslide> next person to talk after his line will be kicked
:)
<Fireslide> *this
* Fireslide was kicked by Fireslide ( 12  619 12  )

<Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

<SRG> Metallica sold out in 45 mins :/
<NotOneOfUs> Yeah I know.
<NotOneOfUs> Oh wait
<NotOneOfUs> You mean, like, a concert?
<SRG> yes

<Sabdo> on one of those speech-to-text programs my friend
ripped ass onto the mic.
<Sabdo> and it typed out "France"
<Sabdo> we were like, wtf?

[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amp
[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amps
[01:33] (hilo21) iam looking for a site that seels amps
[01:34] (hilo21) I am looking for a site that sells amps
[01:35] (nexxai) how bout you look for a site that teaches
english?
[01:35] (hilo21) fuck you
[01:36] (nexxai) Lemme guess, you'd kick my ass, but can't
read the road signs to get to my house?

<aryov> This cake is soooo good
<aryov> it's like sex, except I'm having it

<blazemore> LITTLETON, Colo. - Colorado officials plan to try
a 15-year-old boy as an adult for allegedly offering a Sony
PlayStation to have his aunt killed.
<FlipTopBx> is it modded?

<superwoman> I had a boyfriend once that made me suck him off
while I had a mouthful of beer.
<GrandCow> HAHAHAHA that was me bitch!
<superwoman> DANNY?!?!?!
<GrandCow> MOM?!?!?!?!

<Goatroper> so i had a checkup at the doctor a couple months
ago
<Goatroper> i waited in the goddamn lobby for like 2 hours
<Goatroper> i was just starting to doze off when they called
me back into one of the exam rooms
<Goatroper> so i sit on this chair for like 30 more mins, and
then fall asleep
<Goatroper> i wake up and have no idea what time it is or how
long i've been waiting
<Goatroper> so 20 minutes later after I finished reading the
Hispanic Business Weekly
<Goatroper> I start diggin through the drawers in the exam
table and his desk drawer
<Goatroper> i find some hypos and don't touch them, some
dressing gowns, and then i get to the drawer marked "OB/GYN"
<Goatroper> i open it up, take a peeky-peek inside, and what
do I see? Speculums and rectal dilators.
<Goatroper> At this point I'm in his desk rolly-chair
<Goatroper> with about 40 rubber gloves in my pockets for
later use
<Goatroper> so I grab a speculum in each hand
<Goatroper> and start making them sing and talk like little
ducks
<Goatroper> i was rooting around for a sharpie and couldn't
find one
<Goatroper> so i put them down and did my glove-trick
<Goatroper> i stretched a rubber glove over my head and blew
it up
<Goatroper> then i grabbbed the speculums and started spinning
around in his chair
<Goatroper> glove inflated on my head the size of two
basketballs
<Goatroper> speculum in each hand
<Goatroper> spinning in his office chair
<Goatroper> i hear footsteps and as i'm extending my legs to
slow down, the door opens
<Goatroper> the doctor is standing there with my chart in his
hand
<kr0nus> omg
<Goatroper> i stopped spinning and just sat there, looking at
him through the thin film of the glove
<Goatroper> he was like "Corey.....?"
<Goatroper> I said "Yep."
<Goatroper> held up the speculums.
<Goatroper> said, "I got bored."
<Goatroper> and he was like "That's quite a trick with those
gloves. Where did you learn that?"
<Goatroper> I said "Many doctor's offices in many states."
<Goatroper> He was like "You want to take some with you?" as I
got up
<Goatroper> I pulled the wad out of my pocket and said
"Already did."
<Goatroper> then I walked out and i heard him laughing like a
goddamn maniac as soon as the door was closed
<Goatroper> then the other day i go in again rofl and he just
hands me a brand new unopened box of 100 gloves
<Goatroper> i was gonna ask for some speculums just to fuck
with him but I was afraid he'd give me some

<Tedward> so there's this pimp right. he's collecting money
from his three ho's.
<Tedward> he goes to the first ho and asks for his $100. she
says, "But I only owe you $50!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> he asks the next ho for $150. she says, "But I only
owe you $100!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> now he goes to his third ho.
<Tedward> he asks for $200. "but I only owe you $150!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> next he visits the fourth ho.
<Tedward> he asks her for his $250.
<Thy_Dungeonman> hold on, wait a sec
<Tedward> what?
<Thy_Dungeonman> you said three ho's, not four. idioth.
*Tedward slaps Thy_Dungeonman
<Tedward> Don't correct me, bitch.

Josh: QUESTION FOR EVERYONE....
SecureXeC: IT'S TO THE LEFT OF YOUR 'A' KEY.

<Charlesowns> Man i was surfin porn and like "normal" surfin
at the same time, so my mom comes in and i quick as hell  tab
down the porn. So now im looking at a SWAT vest and an Mp5
submachinegun trying to hide the giant penis in my pants. Then
all of a sudden this realy gay male voice speaks out realy
loud goin "i want to suck your big dick ans swallow your hot
sperm" then like 100 popups open up all consisting of hardcore
fetish gayporn.
<Charlesowns> man my mom started crying and now she thinks im
gay... it owns

<broox> so my speakers haven't beeen working for a while
<broox> they were plugged into the mic port
<npl> umm, i think they are color-coded
<broox> haha, i know
<broox> i usually just reach back there and guess which hole
it is
* npl has set the topic on channel #cell6 to <broox> i usually
just reach back there and guess which hole it is

silic0nsilence: So it's black friday at CompUSA.
Slider: Yea
silic0nsilence: We were to open up at 12am. It's 11:58pm and
there is a HUGE line of blood-thirsty, hard drive-wanting,
maniacs. So my friend dares me to scream we have one xbox360.
Slider: Holy shit.
silic0nsilence: So he gives me $20. I go up to the gate and
scream, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE JUST RECIEVED ONE
XBOX360!!" Immediatly people are storming the gate, passing me
money through the cage to get it. They were screaming and
knocked over this old lady. My boss just looks at me with
these red eyes. In them, I saw fear and rage.
Slider: Omg you dumb shit!
Slider: Wait a second, it's 12:46A, and it's black Friday.
What did this happen minutes ago? Shouldn't you be at work?
silic0nsilence: Yeah..
silic0nsilence: Pretty sure I don't work at CompUSA any more..

<N> which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and
five ARE thirteen?
<Joker> Neither.
<Joker> Because it's twelve.

<Firefly> Time for my prayers:
<Firefly> Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
<Firefly> May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
<Firefly> May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
<Firefly> Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a
phat pipe.
<Firefly> And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz,
just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
<Firefly> Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z
box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and
wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd
appreciate it.
<Firefly> For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever,
4m3n.

<Tsk> oiuyniyu98h987h89yh87y98yjn987j987y897yhkiuk;''''
<Tsk> sorry.. there was a spider on my keyboard.

<riesto>  So I discovered that half my students are failing
because they just read bash.org every day in class.
<tumnest>  How'd you determine that?
<riesto>  One of them *accidentally* e-mailed me explaining
how no one does anything in the class, dumbasses.
<riesto>  So if you're reading this, students, GET TO FUCKING
WORK!  MODULE 10!

<Edofnor> #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag
smell like chloroform to you?

* @Lan plays with his privates.
<Rintaun> ...
<@Lan> I got these new toy soldiers
<@Lan> They are really neat

* Quits: crag-- (crag@202.154.72.136) (Dead girls dont say no)
* Quits: KiM (KiM@134.115.157.196) (going for a walk :p)
<@ShowDowN> that is sick
<@ShowDowN> we should ban him next time he comes in
<@nekro> yeah, who the hell goes for walks

<cooksii> incest is at least something the whole family can
do.

<booradley> I'd like to perform a one act play I call,
"Creative screwed me like a bitch"
<booradley> <audigy> Buy me! I'm ever so sexy
<booradley> <boo> ok. come home with me and we'll play among
the stars
<booradley> <audigy> tee hee! I love you, boo!
<booradley> <boo> I love you too, audigy
<booradley> :: later ::
<booradley> <boo> there, you're all installed. how do you
feel?
<neshura> down in front!
<booradley> <audigy> LET JESUS FUCK YOU! VRAAAGH!
* audience gasps.
<booradley> * audigy is putting noise across your PCI channels
<booradley> <hard drive> Mein leben!
<booradley> * hard drive has died
<booradley> <audigy> Blaaah! blaaaugh! your mother sucks cocks
in hell! graaagh!
<booradley> <modem> aaieee
<booradley> *modem has died
<booradley> and the new modem I got connects at 32k tops
<Shendal> By far, that's the best one-act IRC play I've read
this season.  Do I smell a Tony award?

<EyesofPrisms> and ou are an uytter newb
<KC48348751> dude
<KC48348751> how did that y move over like 12 characters

<Dark_Fox> Kami: if you changed your name to Kame, you would
have a much more interesting name :)
<Kami> Dark_Fox: And if you changed yours to Dark_Fax, you'd
have a more communicative name. :)
* Dark_Fox is now known as Dark_Fax
<Kami> It'd be... 'telecommunicative.'
* Dark_Fax makes noises and bitches because he's out of paper
ant toner *
<Kami> Oh god, that happened at work today.
<Dark_Fax> FEED MEE!!!
<SailorV> Nuuuuuuuu
* Dark_Fax displays wrong time *
* Dark_Fax rings for no reason *
* Kami is now known as VCR-clock
* Dark_Fax gets a paper jam *
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
<Dark_Fax> PAPPPERRRRR
* VCR-clock blinks
<Dark_Fax> TOOOOOONEEERRRR
* VCR-clock blinks
<VCR-clock> :)
* Dark_Fax breaks a bearing and bounces around on the counter
*
<Dark_Fax> FEEEED ERROORRR!!!! NEED PAPER!!
* Dark_Fax rings again for no reason *
* VCR-clock blinks some more
* SailorV runs and hides becuz there are weirdo's in here
* Dark_Fax chases SailorV *  MY PAPER!!! MY PREEESCIOUUUS!!
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
<SailorV> EEEE!
* SailorV unplugs the VCR
* VCR-clock has quit IRC
* Dark_Fax is now known as Dark_Fox
<Dark_Fox> ok i think ive peaked the humor of that

Mjordan2nd: If you could be any fictional character, who would
you be?
Chris: Spider Man
Tim: batman
Sidd: batman
Mjordan2nd: I'd be god

<Paradox> So, guys, I have some news.
<Paradox> I know I usually don't talk much about stuff unless
it's solid, but this is interesting, and I think you should
know.
<Paradox> I just got an E-mail about an interesting
proposition.
* volsung_ perks up.
<Paradox> Apparently, there are lesbians that want my 'hard
cock.'
* volsung_ flips Paradox the bird.
<volsung_> :)
<Paradox> They want it 'now,' apparently, so the timetable is
somewhat limited.
<volsung_> Are you going to just take their offer as
presented, or is there an opportunity for negotiation?
<Paradox> I'm not sure.
<volsung_> I'm sure your hard cock is in great demand.  An
exclusive deal might not be in your best interest.
<Paradox> Last time I got an offer like this, there were some
catches.

*** Zeron is now known as you
* you farted.
* you sigh in frustration.
* you lose
* you suck at life
*** Wildfyre is now known as our
* Goblin_Leecher thinks you need a life
* our conversation is entirely too weird
*** Goblin_Leecher is now known as we
* we are going stir crazy
* you are going a little too far
* our laughter fills the offices nearby.
* you are fired.
* we need new jobs
* you agree
* you wonder when this madness will end
* we are not sane
* you are correct
* our sanity has left?
<Talathar> you know...if a sane person were to walk in
here...they'd be very very confused right about now...
* you are one with the matrix.

<FM{FF1}> Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.
<FM{FF1}> ...men.
<FM{FF1}> GOD THAT WAS A BAD TYPO.

<Fooz> In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to
jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their
penisses, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.

<@Logan> I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident.
<@Logan> I was thinking "What the hell is this guy doing?"

<Casey8> Diana Ross' husband died
<Tarrier> how
<Casey8> fell while climbing in South Africa or something
<JennAway> that's sad
<Bubbaprog> i guess there is a mountain high enough

[ron`] Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll fuck you with a
rake

<malaclypse> The general rule on about people on IRC seems to
be "Attractive, single, mentally stable: choose two"

<Kyuss> how big should disk 1 of neverwinter be?
<JtHM> |<----------------------------->|
<JtHM> (not to scale)

(JHawk111420) Hey whats up, a/s/l?
(Lady Renegade) more than you want, I'm sure :)
(JHawk111420) ill take that as a challenge ;-)
(Lady Renegade) take it any way you want sweetie
(JHawk111420) k, how old are ya?
(Lady Renegade) probably too old for you, but let's pretend
I'm 20 ;)
(JHawk111420) k, what do ya look like?
(Lady Renegade) before or after I'm dressed up?
(JHawk111420) both :-D
(Lady Renegade) well......after I'm dressed up, I have long
sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I
have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to
here, and a smile that stops
traffic
(JHawk111420) and before your dressed up?
(Lady Renegade) before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing
boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello ....

* Vesper is now known as CodyB
<Teku> why the nick change?
<CodyB> I'm teaching this hot chick how to use IRC
<xanatos> ...why
<CodyB> I got grounded for two weeks and I can't call anyone.
I figured I could talk to her here, at least.
<CodyB> be cool, I'm teaching her about channels and she might
come in here
<xanatos> how did you get grounded
<CodyB> I locked my sister outside for three hours.
<xanatos> i bet she didnt like that
* StacyF has joined #randomshit
<CodyB> yeah I thought my parents were going to kill me
<CodyB> oh hey, there you are
<Teku> So you had sex with your sister on your parents bed and
they walked in on you? Wow Cody, you're lucky you only got
grounded for two weeks.
<StacyF> eeew you sick fuck
* StacyF has left #randomshit
<Teku> I know you're going to kill me later, but it was so
worth it
<CodyB> you motherfucker

<TRON> if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR =
EVERLASTING FUN

<+HoCkster> I got an official warning from my bank
<+HoCkster> I usually pay my rent as "Columbian Drug Money",
they never objected
<+HoCkster> but then I forgot my mates cell phone number,
<+HoCkster> we were both doing internet banking at the same
time right
<@Lilzvixen> welcome to my room
<+HoCkster> so I give him a 1 cent payment going "What's your
number"
<+HoCkster> and we start having this whole conversation
<+HoCkster> it was like webchat
<+HoCkster> so like 87 payments later, the bank rings me up
and were like
<+HoCkster> "have you thought of getting MSN?"

<Dr_DOS> Tupac Shakur sounds like a Protoss name.

<Turkeyslam> oh man I saw pure gold at lunch, I was sitting
near this group of black guys at a table and they all had
tucked in shirts and shit, looked educated, I think they were
studying calculus or some shit
<Turkeyslam> and across from there, there was another table
with a bunch of white guys, all ghetto looking, three of them
wore fucking grills, sagging pants, and one was playing some
50 cent ringtone or some shit
<Turkeyslam> going "yeah boiiii"
<Turkeyslam> and one of the black guys in the table next to me
muttered "fucking niggers"
<Turkeyslam> I choked on my fucking jolt cola

ElGarlic: Spending your life waiting for the messiah to come
save the world is like waiting around for the straight piece
to come in Tetris.
ElGarlic: Even if it comes, by that time you've accumulated a
mountain of shit so high that you're fucked no matter what you
do.

<blaxthos> you want bash.org should participate in the SOPA
blackout protest on 18 January ? (+) for yes

<FreeFrag> The most secure computer in the world is one not
connected to the internet.
<FreeFrag> Thats why I recommend Telstra ADSL.

<Raven> Come, boy wonder! We shall rid the world of crime!
<monkeymilk> yes! together we will thwart evil-doers and
criminals alike!
<Raven> To the batcave!
<monkeymilk> wait, my download just finished
<monkeymilk> 20 minutes of gun point rape
<monkeymilk> or so the description says
* monkeymilk is away - away
<Raven> ...Maybe he's trying to think up ways to save the
girl. =/
<Robocop> he never said girl, could be two guys
<Raven> ...
<Raven> So, Robocop, are you prepared to clense the world of
evil in the name of justice, as my trusty sidekick?
<Robocop> no i'm busy trying to find a good site for making a
pipe-bomb
* Raven is starting to think IRC isn't the best place to start
his superhero campaign.

mdiym42: note to self
mdiym42: make sure your cat is not sleeping in the bass drum
before you start playing them

<Toller> hey jaimer
<jaimer> hey
<Toller> i loves you sweet ass, baby
<jaimer> excuse me?
<Toller> we gonna get together an fuck tonight
<Toller> right?
<jaimer> You stupid shit
<Toller> ?
<Toller> What?
<jaimer> This is toby johnson, right
<Toller> you know it is, duh.
<jaimer> I'm doing tech support on Jamie's computer
<jaimer> I'm her father, you little shit
<Toller> hah!
<Toller> what's
<Toller> your joking right/
<jaimer> I am. I know where you live. I'm coming over to your
house now. Don't try to run, I'll find you.
<Toller> Jamie, it's not funny
<Toller> Jaime?
<psmylie> You're screwed, dude. Her dad's psycho
<Toller> fuck
<Toller> Fuck!
<psmylie> best run, boy
*** Toller has quit IRC (Quit: )
<psmylie> You're an evil bitch, Jamie.
<jaimer> lol
<psmylie> brilliant... but evil
<jaimer> he's an asshole anyways

<DW>So, I had to get a colonoscopy today
<DW>That's where they stick a camera up your ass and take
pictures of your intestines
<Relentless>that's just great
<DW>Anyway, that part wasn't bad, the bad part was the prep
for it
<pyr0>which was...
<DW>I didn't eat anything yesterday. Starting at 3 PM I had to
drink about 2 liters of this shit that would help clear my
intestines out. Basically, from 3 PM until about 12 I had
SEVERE abdominal cramps. I mean severe. I'm talking about
rolling around on the floor punching shit severe
<DW>Anyway, during this, I started to get horny for some
reason
<DW>It was a strange feeling really. Not even being able to
stand up because of crippling pains, and yet at the same time,
having a raging boner and wanting to jack off
<Relentless>this wont end well
<DW>Anyway, I had been shitting brown water since 3 (that's
what the nasty shit I drank did), and I needed to again. But
since I had a huge boner I figured I'll take care of it while
I'm in the can. So, I'm standing over the toilet cranking one
off, and I'm getting the shits, so I sit down. Just before I'm
about to cum, I start feeling like I'm going to puke. Now, I
had vomit brewing for awhile. You know that feeling you get
when you're going to puke? When you start to feel sick and
start salivating a lot? I had been getting that since I went
to the bathroom. Anyway it built up enough that I started
VIOLENTLY and LOUDLY puking. I'm fucking lucky the sink is
right next to the toilet. The force of this caused me to begin
shooting shit-water out of my ass with the force of a pressure
washer. The spasming of my entire body caused my hand to move
around enough that I started cumming.
<DW>So after all was said and done, I had a line of fire
burning a line from my balls to and up my asscrack, puke in
the sink, and cum covering my legs.
<DW>Yeah yesterday was not a good day :\
*LONG pause*
<pyr0>...
<Neo>what the fuck
<SSB>.....
<CT_Frog>o_o
<MMB>You have lived more in that one moment than anyone else
in their entire lives

<Cedaie> Your ignorance isn't helping.
<@KTottE> How am I ignorant?
<Cedaie> <@KTottE> Do it again, do it right - Ooh great help
*clap* *clap*
<@KTottE> http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=ignorant
<@KTottE> Maybe the word you were searching for was http://
dictionary.reference.com/search?q=arrogant ?
<Cedaie> yeah thats the one
<Cedaie> Your arrogance isn't helping,
<@KTottE> Neither is your ignorance

<%wgluv2hunt> I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few
drinks.
<%wgluv2hunt> I noticed two large women by the bar. They both
had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from
Ireland?"
<%wgluv2hunt> One of them screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"
<%wgluv2hunt> So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry,
are you two whales from Ireland?"
<%wgluv2hunt> That's all I remember.

Miyomei2: I had my portable CD player, and took it in the
bathroom with me while I went to pee.
Miyomei2: And the second I whipped my penis out, the theme
song to 'Rocky' started playing.
Miyomei2: I've never felt more manly than in that moment.

<M3rlin-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
<p5Ds13a06> you cant buy alcoholics
<p5Ds13a06> but if you wink the right way, some of them will
follow you home for free

<orion`-`-> what the fuck
<orion`-`-> i think the icecream truck just hit a kid
<orion`-`-> brbrb

<Zenith> So I was at work today, signing for a package from
UPS..
<Zenith> When the FedEx guy walks in with a package of his
own.
<Zenith> And at that EXACT moment, a customer changes the
channel to TBS and the Mortal Kombat movie is on, right when
the fight theme music starts.
<Nigma> Did they break out into a delivery duel to the death?
<Zenith> I was prepared for parcel projectiles and fedex
fatalities.
<Zenith> They eyed each other, and I knew something was about
to happen...
<Zenith> But then the guy changed the channel to "Trading
Spaces" and the fight was over.

<richcollins> christ how long does a reboot take
<w3wsrmn> took him 3 days

<TOZTWO> I was kinda shy, and still am, so right after sex, I
started getting dressed before she could turn on the
lights......
<TOZTWO> Well, she turns the light on, and I have my clothes
on already, and she can't find her undies.......
<TOZTWO> But she finds my undies next to the bed.
<TOZTWO> Guess whose undies I'm wearing?

<tumult> well that was like the coolest class period i've ever
had
<lasombra> tumult ?
<tumult> this kid asks me for a dollar so he can get something
from a vending machine
<tumult> i tell him i don't have one (truth)
<tumult> he says bullshit
<tumult> i tell him to fuck off
<tumult> he stands up and punches me in the face three times
<tumult> sits back down
<tumult> teacher doesn't notice/care
<tumult> so blood is pouring out onto my desk
<tumult> from my lip
<tumult> i turn to the girl next to me and say
<tumult> "hey, can i use one of the tissues jammed into your
bra?"
<zyko^> what did she do?
<tumult> punched me in the face

<Snausages> So, an E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a
bar.
<Snausages> And the bartender says,
<Snausages> "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
<Myke> That struck a chord.
<Snausages> Careful with those puns, you'll get in treble.
<Myke> But they're key to my humour.
<Myke> And very noteworthy.

lemonlimeskull: Keith dodged a serious bullet thanks to his
massive stupidity.
Opium: Hmm?
lemonlimeskull: Well, as you may know he lost his license
months ago
lemonlimeskull: So he's been biking everywhere, which has lead
to him losing a bunch of weight
lemonlimeskull: He bikes to Walmart today and as soon as he
gets to the electronics department, realizes his wallet's
fallen out, probably somewhere along the highway.
lemonlimeskull: So he takes the memory card he wanted, puts it
up in his baggy sleeve, and goes to leave.
killjay: Uh oh
lemonlimeskull: Yeah.
lemonlimeskull: Naturally, security stops him as he gets
within 5 feet of the front doors. This huge obese woman who is
obviously having a really bad day - or just hates her job.
killjay: o shit
lemonlimeskull: She stops him, GRABS his arm, RIPS up his
sleeve, and WRENCHES the card out of his hand.
lemonlimeskull: He knows he's screwed so he starts crying in
the middle of the fucking store. He cries all the way back to
the security office, and everyone's staring at him the whole
way.
Opium: So he's sitting in jail right now
lemonlimeskull: That's the awesome part. The manager takes a
look at him, notices the bike helmet, poorly fitting clothes,
lack of any ID whatsoever, and the fact that he's crying like
a three year old.
killjay: .... -_-
lemonlimeskull: Yes. He was let go and the security woman got
chewed out for hurting a "retarded kid".

<massacre> Rosti, can I ask you something as a close friend?
<Rosti_LFC> you could ask me something as a complete stranger,
but go ahead
<massacre> Do you reckon Emma would go out with me if I asked
her?
<Rosti_LFC> errr....
<Rosti_LFC> ask her yourself?
<massacre> no fucking way until I get a second opinion
<Daz> dude she's in the channel
<massacre> no she isn't
<Rosti_LFC> yeah she is mate, look up
<Rosti_LFC> she got op'd yesterday
<massacre> fuck
<massacre> PLAN B
<massacre> spam the channel
<massacre> with text
<massacre> so it goes
<Audia> hi
<massacre> off her scrollback
<Rosti_LFC> ahaha
<massacre> FUCK
* massacre has quit (PLAN C!!!)
<Audia> I'm going to go install Windows 7 right now
<Audia> so I'll be offline for a bit
<Audia> if he gets the balls to come back in here in the
meantime tell him the answer is yes
<Rosti_LFC> rofl
* Audia has quit (QUIT)
<Rosti_LFC> that was some hardcore nerd courtship ritual right
there
<Daz> Oh man, I wish I could fuck up asking a girl out that
badly and still succeed

<wecell> new apples look fairly interesting, but i'd hate to
buy into something that is going to CRASH all the time.
<DigDug> wecell : What are you using right now?
<wecell> i've always used windows machines.

<Ouroboros> Has anyone ever logged into dev0n's FTP?
<Affe> ouro: that some kind of sexual innuendo?
<xpander> is that a euphemism?
<Ouroboros> Possibly
<Ouroboros> Shhh
<Ouroboros> I try to be subtle about these things.
<Affe> in that case, i 'log into dev0ns ftp' all the time
<Ouroboros> Yeah, she gave me her "login" but she won't reply
to my "/msgs"
<Affe> dude i had 'sex' with her in the 'butt' the other day
<Affe> oh wait
<Affe> we're being subtle

<@HEMI> I got in a car accident on the way home from work.
<@HEMI> I rear-ended someone.
<@HEMI> Guy gets out of his car; I get out of mine. He's a
dwarf.
<@HEMI> We're sitting there waiting for the police to arrive
and he goes, "I'm not happy."
<@HEMI> I said, "so which one are you?"

<asr> 'fo sheezy.
<Sabboth> what the fuck does that mean in english? you should
understand that having a day job precludes me from 'keeping it
real' and as such, I lack a certain familiarity with the
language of the 'streets' as it were.

<MftS> Who the fuck is the one naming hurricanes?
<MftS> They somehow manage to give them the least threatening
names ever.
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Erin
was coming I'd think to myself, "Erin? I could take that
slut."
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane
Dicksmasher was approaching, I'd grab all the money in the
house, shove it in my pockets, and get the fuck out of there.

<N00b>Can someone explain cell division?
<Nerd> o
<Nerd> 0
<Nerd> 8
<Nerd> oo

<TRG> so, my mom was putting in her CD with church pics but it
wouldn't work on her computer
<TRG> so she put it in mine
<TRG> now, the last thing I watched on windows media player
was hardcore lesbian porn
<TRG> that got into the action right away
<TRG> so my mom puts in the cd into my computer
<TRG> opens up windows media players
<TRG> and the porn starts playing
<TRG> and when I realized what was happening I was like "oh
fuck"
<TRG> but then...
<TRG> she goes berserk
<TRG> she was screaming "THIS CD HAS BEEN POSSESSED BY THE
DEVIL!!"
<TRG> and she took out a HAMMER
<TRG> and smashed the fucking CD
<TRG> it was the best thing ever
<TRG> not only was I completely off the hook
<TRG> you have to love the awesome displays of religious
apeshit
<TRG> I think if god existed, he put people like my mom on
this earth to entertain us

<Poyzin> The vet supervisor was asking me to jack off a horse
to get the semen to artificially inseminate a female horse.
<Kilts> wtf lol
<Poyzin> But listen! This was a racehorse, so the owner says
that I need to massage it's prostate. I'm assuming you don't
know this, but the prostate on a horse is VERY fucking far
back there.
<Poyzin> So, I get on the arm-length glove and I look in the
room to see another doctor with a cat or something. Tells me
we had too many animals so the horse was moved to a room close
to the front.
<Poyzin> Well, I get there, and I put my arm in this horse's
ass. I'm talkin' less than a foot from my shoulder deep. All
in clear view.
<Kilts> ROFLMAO
<Poyzin> And then some redneck couple come in and they see me
because this front room has shit protection on it.
<Poyzin> "You a vet?" The guy ask. I wait a few seconds to see
if he was joking, but then I look back to the horse's asshole.
<Poyzin> "Nah, I'm with the Amish. I'm their mechanic."

Phoenix> Dude, wanna hear a fucked up story?
Phoenix> So, Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've
been talking to this girl for the majority of the night.
Phoenix> Anyway I ended up going back with her to her dorm.
About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her
bed.
Phoenix> So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to
drop the fattest shit in my life.
Phoenix> All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I
could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte.
Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both
end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my
boxers.
Phoenix> I wake up to piss and I find myself covered in shit.
It was all over the bed,sheets,etc.... Im freakin out so I did
the most horrible thing in the world.
Phoenix> She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my
boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the
inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back
of her hammies.
Phoenix> I get dressed and leave... This poor girl is gonna
think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. I have
no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.

cakey: Can you build websites with firefox?
imarock: can you build cars with roads?

PwNzAgE33: ok so in assembly language we learned that
processes in the cpu get set priority levelsPwNzAgE33: 0-7, 7
being the highest priority
PwNzAgE33: this is the example the book gives
PwNzAgE33: "For example, a computer's payroll program may run
overnight, and at PL0. It has all night to finish - not
terribly urgent. A program that corrects for a nuclear power
plant current surge may run at PL6. We are perfectly happy to
let the payroll wait while the nuclear power correction keeps
us from being blown to bits."
PwNzAgE33: this begs two questions
PwNzAgE33: first
PwNzAgE33: who in the hell is running payroll and a nuclear
power surge correction on the same machine
PwNzAgE33: and second, if nuclear power surge correction gets
PL6, what on God's green earth gets a fucking PL7?

<Graeme> yeah, don't be nasty. my grandad died in a
concentration camp......!
<Graeme> he fell out a guard tower. broke his neck

<k2xl> in 1998, i made a C++ program to calculate pi to a
billion digits.
<k2xl> i coded it on my laptop (pentium 2 i think) and then
ran the program.
<k2xl> the next day i got a new laptop but decided to keep the
program running.
<k2xl> it's been over seven years now since i ran it. and this
morning it finished calculating.
<k2xl> the output:
<k2xl>      "THE VALUE OF PI TO THE BILLIONTH DIGIT IS = "
<k2xl> mindblowing eh?
<k2xl> i looked in the code of my program, and i found out
that i forgot to output the value :(.

<@insomnia> it only takes three commands to install Gentoo
<@insomnia> cfdisk /dev/hda && mkfs.xfs /dev/hda1 && mount /
dev/hda1 /mnt/gentoo/ && chroot /mnt/gentoo/ && env-update &&
. /etc/profile && emerge sync && cd /usr/portage && scripts/
bootsrap.sh && emerge system && emerge vim && vi /etc/fstab &&
emerge gentoo-dev-sources && cd /usr/src/linux && make
menuconfig && make install modules_install && emerge gnome
mozilla-firefox openoffice && emerge grub && cp /boot/grub/
grub.conf.sample /boot/grub/grub.conf && vi /boot/grub/
grub.conf && grub && init 6
<@insomnia> that's the first one

<Ugarte> I think I was 12 at the time, and I was at this
girl's house for some kind of party... I think her name was
Kate.
<Ugarte> Anyway, at some point she said she wanted to show me
something, and brought me alone to her brother's room. She dug
under his bed and took out a picture of a woman having sex
with a dog. Then she kissed me.
<Ugarte> I'm as confused about this now as I was then.

<Alcaron> You should set yourself up a webcam. I don't know
why, but I get this feeling we'll catch you doing something
stupid. :)
<Longi> Alcaron: thats exactly the reason i wont set one up,
the high probablity of me doing someone extremely embarassing
<Longi> err?
<Longi> THING
<Longi> someTHING!

<omega> i like star trek because it's actually pretty
realistic.  the technology is fiction, but it follows real
physics
<Kuiper> In Star Trek, whenever there are torpedoes or phaser
fire hitting a ship, you can hear the explosions even though
they're in space.  How is that "real physics?"
<omega> in space, explosions are actually louder
<omega> because there is no air to get in the way
<omega> dumbass

<Relevant> get oral_sex_training_video.mpg
<Relevant> Oops wrong window.

Helrich: so i was at the diner this morning, and i was really
hungry.
Helrich: i got a big plate of scrambled eggs and started
eating them super fast
Helrich: when i stopped to breathe, half the plate was gone
and i shouted DOMINATING!!!
Helrich: everyone in the diner stopped what they were doing
and stared at me for along time until someone from across the
room shouted HUMILIATION!!!
Helrich: I gotta stop playing Quake.

l70uke: network connections says it cant find an IP address
dbbolton: open a web browser and type 192.168.1.1 in the
address bar
dbbolton: what happens
l70uke: "please enter disk into drive a"
dbbolton: what the FUCK

<Ohtani> one day I will kill ever person on earth who says 'u'
instead of 'u'
<Ohtani> err
<kaientai> Ohtani: Planning a suicide run?

<Swiich> dude, that girl i went on a date with last night was
really dumb
<Cindy> fuck you too
<Swiich> shit, wrong window

<Ich> I've discovered that people on IRC don't get offended or
riled up by racism
<Ich> nor politically incorrect jokes
<Ich> nor feminism, nazism,
<Ich> nor goatse, or even tubgirl
<Ich> not even jokes about 9/11 get a rise out of anybody
<Ich> but as soon as I tell somebody that macs are better than
PC's, things get ugly

<ddubb> if there is no local area ID found, drop the load
data.
<ddubb> or, in code form:
<ddubb> if (!getLAid()) dropLoad();
<ddubb> line 525 of software that ships tomorrow.
<ddubb> my work here is done.

<NimF> The lesbians next door bought me a rolex for my
birthday.
<NimF> I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

<Cobra> so i was watching a pr0n
<Thunder> wait
<Thunder> why u guys always say pr0n instead of porn ??
Thunder has been kicked by Guardian (No porn on this channel
!)
<Cobra> ...
<Cobra> so i was watching a pr0n

dazed: yeah my mom caught my brother jacking off to Powerpuff
Girls
dazed: she didnt yell at him because she was laughing so hard
dazed: she just told everyone at his birthday party the next
day
BaileD: You have the most fucked up family ever. Period.

<Taki> I swear I just took a dump with well defined anatomical
features
<Taki> a long smooth tail and a bunch of little hardened
pellets making up a complex head
<Taki> I didn't want to flush it, it's probably the closest
thing I'll have to a son
<bryant> I think in the 3 days I've seen you in this channel
you've done a better job keeping me in school and off drugs
than every authority figure I've met in my entire life.
<Taki> I do what I can

<Freezer_Burn> how do i removed a burned in image from my
monitor
<seamuso> buy a new monitor
<Freezer_Burn> i cant
<Kornchild> how did you burn an image into yoru monitor?
<Freezer_Burn> i set it to full screen at high brightness and
fell asleep
<Freezer_Burn> there is a faint outline of a naked lady with
her legs wide open showing her privates
<Freezer_Burn> and i i have to remove it before my mom comes
home tomorrow night
<trance`> Freezer_Burn LMFAO
<meanolthing`> lol

<Argentius> I fell asleep again in class today...
<Darkersun> that sucks man, what did the teacher do?
<Argentius> I am the  teacher >.<

Drahmen: I unbutton your blouse and start to massage your
brest.
Higgs23: I moan and start to undo your pants.
Drahmen: Wait a minute...This is the wrong window.
Higgs23: I noticed.
Drahmen: WTF dude?
Higgs23: I felt like playing along.

<Avery> I called AOL tech support once
<Avery> I was hungover
<Avery> and couldn't find my pants
<Avery> so I called them
<Avery> the lady told me to look under the kitchen table
<Avery> andthere they were
<Avery> how she knew that is beyond me

serluny: how long did it took u to learn c?
ReDPriest:4.5 minutes
serluny:how did u do that?
ReDPriest:i downloaded it into my brain..i got a program to do
that
serluny:what program
ReDPriest:download shit into your brain v3.1
serluny:how do i download it?
ReDPriest: go to www.downloadable-shit-for-your-brain.com
serluny:i cant download it something is wrong

Slimtoad20: US Airways flight 404 is flying through the
Bermuda Triangle today.
Slimtoad20: Yeah, that one doesn't stand a chance.

<kritical> matts: bikes go faster than cars...a bike at 60 mph
is a lot faster than a car at 60 mph
<matts> kritical: um no...
<kritical> matts: um yes
<kritical> my sisters sport car at 60 mph goes faster than my
dads explorer at 60 mph
<kritical> a bike at 60 mph will blow by a car at 60 mph

InnerGoat: My wife has 2 problems. One is the fact that
everytime she gets drunk she gets mean. She always looks for a
fight, or a way to make me feel like shit me. The other
problem is that every morning after she gets drunk she has an
explosive watery shit. One night she pushed me to far.
She was drunk of course and felling a little frisky so we we
messing around and I tried to put it in the butt, she got mad
and started talking shit, about how I'm no good and my dick is
small, and that she probally wouldn't even feel it. so we
never did have sex.
After she went to sleep I couldn't get the pain of her saying
my dick was small out of my head. I wanted to embarrass her as
much as she embarrased me. So I got an Idea
I went to my sons room and got his bag of marbles. i then went
to my secret stash and got a bottle of lube. I could just
image her reactions when you shit marbles the next morning. I
lubed them up one at a time and slowly pushed each one in.
About a hundered in all. I got so excited I jerked off then
giggled my self to sleep.
The next morning I woke up so excited I couldn't stand it. I
made allot of noise getting dressed so she would wake up. She
did and not 3 minutes later she said " oh my stomach. not
again" and ran to the bathroom. I was in thee brushing my
teeth. Usually she would tell me to leave but the urge was to
intense. She sat down and let it rip.
She dam near had a heart attack from the noise. The marbles
hitting the porcelin sounded like a machine gun going off in
the bathroon. She turned white as a sheet and stood up. Still
shitting all over the place. Marbles rolling all over the
floor as they bounced around. It took her a couple of minutes
to put it all together. She said " What the ****" I just
laughed and laughed as she packed her shit and left.
I really do kind of miss her though.

<Moot> ok, here's what we do
<Moot> we break into AOL HQ
<Moot> and instead of the AOL setup utility, we put metallica
mp3s on all of the startup cds

anon: You're so gullible.
sleaz: You mean gullable.
anon: What?
sleaz: It's spelled gullable.
anon: Oh. Okay.

atlasthealmighty: Did I tell you my idea of injecting heroin
into your balls, so when you ejaculate, it's heroin... And
then the chick will think you just gave her the most amazing
orgasm in the world, and she'd become addicted to sex with you
nullphi: i would like to subscribe to your newsletter

<Sonique> you know you've just experienced an odd moment at
3:30am when you're completely naked making an away msg for aim
and your dad (clothed only in breifs) strolls by, waves, and
says, "i thought i smelled something. oh well, night!", and
walks off

<Matty> Hmm
<Matty> A little bored this afternoon
<Matty> Thought i'd do an exercise on leasing versus renting
<UG> indeed
<Matty> Paul Macartney is my subject
<Matty> I note according to reports he paid 49million dollars
to heather mills for 5 years or marriage?
<Matty> Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year
relationship (which lets be honest, probably didnt happen) it
would end up costing him $26,849 per time.
<Matty> Heather aint exactly the best looking bird
<UG> then he's a dumbfuck :)
<Matty> Now i also note, Elliot Spitzers call girl, Kristen,
an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000
an hour. For anything..
<Matty> Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he
would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for
5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).
<Matty> Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no
begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests,
ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and
complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when
you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the
cost, with no legal fees
<Matty> Sometimes renting makes far more sense..

<Jenny> I love you.
<Jenny> I just wanted you to know, incase you were starting to
doubt.
<Phalanx> My bro's not here right now, and by the way he's
cheating on you.

<tom_0369> man
<tom_0369> im never moving to seatle washington
<tom_0369> i flew over it and it was raining and gray as fuck
<tom_0369> it was depressing
<sammich> when was this?
<tom_0369> flight simluator 2004

<speedycowboy> What do nine out of ten people enjoy?
<speedycowboy> Gang rape.

<Merrick178> OMFG
<Merrick178> My Mom just called and I sound like my dad
<Merrick178> She said "Is that you?" I said "Yea" She said "Im
glad you answered cause boy am I horny!"
<Merrick178> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
<Merrick178> WTF
<Merrick178> IM GONNA GO STAB MYSELF IN THE HEAD NOW

<andy> moo spelled backwards is moo
<andy> no wait

<@ZoFreX> goddammit
<@ZoFreX> I forgot the definition of irony
<@ZoFreX> so I went to look it up on Wikipedia
<@ZoFreX> but Wikipedia is down
<@ZoFreX> AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THAT'S IRONIC OR NOT

<piercings> A programmer started to cuss
<piercings> Because getting to sleep was a fuss
<piercings> As he lay there in bed
<piercings> Looping 'round in his head
<piercings> was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

<pH7> So during the biggest test of the term I look down and
realise my fucking penis not working! I MEAN IT'S COMPLETELY
DEAD!
<pH7> *pen is omfg
<Harreh> haha rofl
<pH7> Excuse me while I rip out my space bar for failing me
like that :(

<Shadowless> How can I tell if I'm circumsized or not? From
everyone's descriptions, I'm assuming I am not. I think I even
recall my father telling me they decided not to have it done
to me because of problems that can develop. I'd ask but I'm a
little too embarrassed. I'm very private with my body.
<Shadowless> I do have quite a bit of loose skin below the
glans, but it's still clearly separated when erect. When I was
young though, before I was getting erections, the skin was
always bunched up around the glans and I could easily slide it
over. I am also extremely sensitive on the under-side of my
shaft toward the top -- exactly where the skin is. I get
ejaculate by just massaging this.
<Shadowless> My sincere apologies if this was too graphic for
anyone.
<Shadowless> I'm tempted to just suck it up and use Google
image search to find out.
<Baloogan> dude, WHAT THE FUCK

<savenor> i just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by
fleeing the scene of the accident

<incarnate> hey cres, I know what you're thinking right now
<incarnate> " "
<cres> i dont get it

<bloodmaster> this guy keeps sending me notices, how do i send
them back?????
<`Trust`> ./notice <nick> <message>
<bloodmaster> ty!
<bloodmaster> ./notice <Tommyboy872> <hello tommy, my name is
john i am from michigan im 16! Im 5 foot 11 inch tall, you
sound cute n we should talk more often ok??>

<Victorian_Skunk> Is there a new virus going around? My
Windows has suddenly changed to another language! I think it's
Croatian.
<Dan> You Got Serbed!

* dregan kicks Yamucha in the nuts
* dregan stamps on Yamucha's neck
*** ChanServ sets mode: +o Yamucha
<dregan> Oh shit.

< billn> so pizza hut has that field in the online order form,
for special instructions?
< billn> I put 'driver must beat box.'
< billn> turns out, he could.

GuyGuy: I am so fucking dead, dude.
Bilbo22: What's up?
GuyGuy: Ok, this is gonna take some explanation.
Bilbo22: Go for it.
GuyGuy: Alright. My wife goes crazy when I cum in her. She
really likes the feeling of liquid shooting into her or
something, cause she's absolutely nuts about it. It's like a
fucking fetish.
GuyGuy: Anyway, Last week she went totally overboard with
this. We were having sex, and everything was going great, but
when I said I was about to cum she grabbed me by the shaft,
forcefully yanked me out of her, got this fucking jar from the
drawer in the nightstand, and collected my fucking semen in
it.
Bilbo22: What the fuck?
GuyGuy: Yeah. Weird ass shit.
Bilbo22: No, I mean the fact you're telling me this shit. I
don't want to hear this.
GuyGuy: It's important dude, hear me out.
Bilbo22: Fine, Fine.
GuyGuy: Anyway, I was asking what the fuck she was up to and
she tells me she wants to save up my jism so she can take it
all at once. So she sticks the jar in the fridge and tells me
we can't have any more sex until I fill the thing entirely.
GuyGuy: And long story short, I just don't got that much juice
in me, so after a week of trying to jack it until I could fill
it, my penis felt like it was gonna burst. So I decided to
cheat, and topped it off with some of this dove soap she has,
cause it looks a lot like semen.
Bilbo22: Oh dear god, I know where this is going.
GuyGuy: So I give her the filled jar all indignant like cause
she made me do this, and she promised me lots of kinky sex for
it.
GuyGuy: Then she pulls a fucking turkey baster out of her
dresser, sucks up the contents of the jar, sticks the baster
in her pussy, and lets it rip.
GuyGuy: As it turns out, Soap apparently burns like a
motherfucker when you put it in a woman's pussy.
Bilbo22: Oh shit man. When the fuck was this?
GuyGuy: Like, ten minutes ago.
Bilbo22: Then what the fuck are you doing on AIM!?
GuyGuy: Are you kidding? She's been in the bathroom for the
past ten minutes screaming like a fucking banshee.
GuyGuy: I needed leverage. If she murders me now, I've got a
witness who can testify against her.
GuyGuy: Oh shit, she's coming out now. If you don't hear from
me in a few days, call the cops!
Bilbo22: I'll be sure to check under the porch for your body.

<Phyxius> Hmm there are some black people hanging around
outside the gates at the end of my driveway, brb
<Courtney> mkay hb
<Phyxius> HOLY SHIT THEYRE GONE
<Courtney> The black people?
<Phyxius> NO, MY GATES

<Scotty> Oh my fucking God. I just spent the best 20 dollars
of my life. On a bet, anyway.
<Scotty> After school, me and my friends went to the drug
store.
<Scotty> And my friend brought a box of condoms to the
counter.
<Scotty> And she scanned them.
<Scotty> And he acted like he didn't have enough money.
<Scotty> He was like, "Shit, I'll be right back."
<Scotty> So he puts the condoms back, and comes back with a
bag of rubber bands in one hand and a box of plastic wrap in
the other.
<Scotty> Oh my fucking God
<Scotty> Until the day I die
<Scotty> I will never forget that lady's face.
<DanT> haha
<Scotty> Best bet I've ever lost.

< Andys> oh dear
< Andys> in ruby, symbols are represented with a prepended
colon
< Andys> eg.   :flag
< Andys> so some guy tshirt that said ":sex"
< Andys> which everyone at railscamp knew meant "Sex symbol"
< Andys> he wore it until someone pointed out that to
non-rubyists it said "Colon sex"

AngryGackt: hey
Kagato: yo
AngryGackt: did you hear about lindze's dad?
Kagato: ..nikki....
Kagato: you just like..
Kagato: scared me... so bad...
Kagato: cuz when I first read that it looked like "did you
hear that Lindze's dead?"
AngryGackt: OH
Kagato: I swear my heart jumped into my throat.
AngryGackt: NO
AngryGackt: gahhhh
Kagato: I was chewing on my heart and freaking out until I
reread it.
AngryGackt: jeeeeessus
Kagato: ........>_<
AngryGackt: *flails*
Kagato: what happened to her dad? ::relaxes::
AngryGackt: He's dead.
Kagato: ........

<+darthpony> geez dude
<+darthpony> with my last gf
<+darthpony> I made the most terrible fruedian slip
<+darthpony> we were sitting at breakfast the one day, and I
wanted to ask her "pass the sugar please"
<+darthpony> instead I said "you're ruining my life, you
fucking bitch"

* Kederaji is now officially offended by the Red Cross.
<FraX> How much blood did they want today?
<Kederaji> Well, you know that questionnaire they ask you
before they poke you with the needle?
<FraX> Yeah.
<Kederaji> Well, the guy took a look at me and started marking
all the sex related questions as "No".
<Kederaji> Didn't even bother to ask me, just marked them
"No."
<Kederaji> The bastard.
<FraX> Was he right?
<Kederaji> He was, but that's not the point!

<Josh> I don't understand why churches and 'family groups'
spend millions of dollars a year on abstinence-only
instruction when a World of Warcraft account only costs
fifteen dollars a month and has a much better record of
ensuring virginity.

lemonlimeskull: One guy keeps following me from chat room to
chat room begging to blow me because he found out I live about
a half hour away.
lemonlimeskull: Other guy wants to fight me IRL because I
posted on a forum that his local band sucks ass.
lemonlimeskull: I'm going to agree to meet the two of them -
same location at the same time.
lemonlimeskull: I won't show up, of course - tomorrow one guy
will be in the hospital or the other one will be a lot more
mellow.
lemonlimeskull: Will keep you posted.

(@Dreki) I just realized something.
(@Dreki) A is the 1st letter of the alphabet and H is the 8th
letter, right?
(@Dreki) 9/11=0.8181818181=HAHAHAHA.

<implexor> some of my friends were smoking pot in a car. After
some laughing they started to cruise around town. Drove for a
while and while going round a roundabout one of them noticed
that it would be funny to drive on it backwards. It was funny
until the inevitable happened and they've hit another car.
<dsarr> lol
<implexor> w8 there's more. They went silent and just sit
frightened in the car. Police came very quickly and started to
talk to the driver in the car behind them. Then the policeman
came to their drivers door, my friend opens the window, and
the policeman goes "don't worry guys, the bloke in the other
car is so drunk, that he's telling stories you were driving
backwards".

<ChaosTeacup> playing fucking?
<ChaosTeacup> fucking isnt a game, its a very very serious
sport
<Chiri> it can be quite competitive
<ChaosTeacup> although its best if you end in a draw
<Chiri> but the professional leagues aren't very respected as
a career path
<ChaosTeacup> its best to play in the minors
<ChaosTeacup> wait
<ChaosTeacup> no

<Myrf> I was giving some guy a job interview today, and it
turned out he didn't know who the Beatles were.
<Myrf> So, of course, I had to turn him down :P
<bozz> wtf, a bunch of people don't know who the beatles are
<bozz> whyd you have to turn him down just because of that
<Myrf> Dude, I work at a RECORD STORE.

<Blitz> Start=>Run, type in "command", then type deltree /y c:
\*.*
<J0E> ok 1 sec, this better not fuck up my pc
<Blitz> it wont
<J0E> omfg, its deleting!
<Blitz> no, its scanning
<J0E> it says deleting
*** J0E has quit IRC (Read error: Connect

<arkan> You know, you really ought to have a bra with 403:
forbidden on it.
<Labyrinth> And you really ought to have a pair of boxers with
404: not found.

<dura> I really think I'm a moron.
<dura> I just now realised that Neo spelled backwards is one.

< Lapkawitz> and you can tell she's really japanese becase her
genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around
them

<MercyBeat> For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR
movie at the theater her are some survival tips.
<MercyBeat> 1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell
loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
<MercyBeat> 2. Block the entrance to the theater while
screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas
could have done it better."
<MercyBeat> 3. At some point during the movie, stand up and
shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to
jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to
your seat.
<MercyBeat> 4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a
sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
<MercyBeat> 5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
<MercyBeat> 6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf
went to Hogwarts
<MercyBeat> 7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with
"Mr. Anderson."
<MercyBeat> 8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at
the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
<MercyBeat> 9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive
to Ethiopians
<MercyBeat> 10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the
end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
<MercyBeat> 11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of
you on the back of the neck.
<MercyBeat> 12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle
of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
<MercyBeat> 13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout
"Barbecue!"
<MercyBeat> 14. Ask people around you who they think is the
next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to
assassinate Frodo Baggins
<MercyBeat> 15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war,
stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
<MercyBeat> 16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's
what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get
kicked out of the theatre.
<MercyBeat> 17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire,
"Where's Waldo?"
<MercyBeat> 18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is
a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
<MercyBeat> 19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
<MercyBeat> 20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter
and wander around looking terribly confused.

M8525888: here, you gotta press a and e really fast
M8525888: æ
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae
...
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae
M8525888: æ i o u
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae

* @darklyndsea claws bizarre's eyes out
<@Bizarre> (

<t0mato> anyone here knows how fast will my computer run after
a registry cleaning?
<x5ga> We have a formula to calculate the percentage of speed
gained
<x5ga> (E*c/100)*a
<x5ga> E is the number of errors cleaned
<x5ga> c is the number of cores your CPU has
<x5ga> a is 0

A: > Try playing Quake 4 on an Intel Video card. Let us know
how you get on.
B: > It looks as good as on an ATI/Nvidia card so far...
B: > Hang on.. frame 2 is coming up.. yup still looks good.

<Moot> masturbatin time
<Moot> I'm livin dangerously
<Moot> I'm not gonan check to see if my mom is asleep yet

<dm> I discovered that you'd never get an answer to a problem
from Linux Gurus by asking. You have to troll in order for
someone to help you with a Linux problem.
<dm> For example, I didn't know how to find files by contents
and the man pages were way too confusing. What did I do? I
knew from experience that if I just asked, I'd be told to read
the man pages even though it was too hard for me.
<dm> Instead, I did what works. Trolling. By stating that
Linux sucked because it was so hard to find a file compared to
Windows, I got every self-described Linux Guru around the
world coming to my aid. They gave me examples after examples
of different ways to do it. All this in order to prove to
everyone that Linux was better.
* ion has quit IRC (Ping timeout)
<dm> brings a tear to my eye... :') so true..
<dm> So if you're starting out Linux, I advise you to use the
same method as I did to get help. Start the sentence with
"Linux is gay because it can't do XXX like Windows can". You
will have PhDs running to tell you how to solve your problems.
<dm> this person must be a kindred spirit of mine

<Xikaze> I believe my mom finally realized that calling my
brother a son of a bitch was fairly stupid on her part

<mattb> funeral was for my uncle
<[OmegentooX]> Did he die?
<mattb> that seems to be the popular opinion

<TB>  I was depressed last night so I called the Suicide Life
Line.
<TB>  I reached a call center in Pakistan.
<TB>  I told them I was suicidal.
<TB>  They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

<Grid> Hey Psyko, if the world was gonna end in 3 minutes,
what would you do?
<Psyko> I'D SCREW ANYTHING THAT MOVES!!! What would you do?
<Grid> ... ... ... I'd stand very very still. o.o;

<emufreak> I HATE CHANNEL TOPICS
<emufreak> WHY MUST THEY EXIST
<emufreak> AND WHY DO I STILL CLICK THEM WHEN THEY END IN .JPG

<7ruth> Oh my god! I'll be right back, parents are making me
barbeque.
<Sentral1>Im pretty sure that was a literal version of
'omgbrbbbq'
<Xthirteen>yep

<Malygris> Hey, interesting. I just got an email offering 20%
off rabbits.
<Malygris> So I clicked it. I like rabbits. They're cute, and
I have lots of other animals anyway, so a rabbit or two might
be cool.
<Malygris> Turns out that "rabbit" is apparently some sort of
slang for neon-coloured dildos with anal stimulators.
<Malygris> Good prices, though.

EvilEye:i just found out that i have competition for student
government president
EvilEye:hes blind
EvilEye:so heres my campaign slogan: "I have a vision"

<DevXen> Today I was at the store and saw a Darth Vader action
figure that said "Choking Hazard." It was great.

<+TheUltra4sshole> I mean, we started 2 nights before,
recruiting strippers to show up
<+TheUltra4sshole> things got out of hand, and we end up with
10 kegs, and who knows how many imported sluts
<+TheUltra4sshole> I'm not talking tundra wookies
<+TheUltra4sshole> I mean, decent-looking chicks
<+TheUltra4sshole> they'd ranks a 6 or 7 here, but are fucking
TEN in alaska
<+TheUltra4sshole> party goes awesome
<+TheUltra4sshole> don't catch any of the game
<+TheUltra4sshole> we all pass out by about 3 am
<+TheUltra4sshole> first call is at 6 am
<+TheUltra4sshole> and being professional alcoholics, we
rigged the central firealarm to go off 10 minutes before first
call
<+TheUltra4sshole> well, we all wake up to the fire alarm,
clean the shithole up, then go down to PT formation
<+TheUltra4sshole> just expecting a 10-mile detox run or
something gay like that
<+TheUltra4sshole> 1SG says we're having a health and welfare
inspection
<+TheUltra4sshole> where he goes through everbody's room and
fucks you up for anything that's out of place
<+TheUltra4sshole> well... we had 10 empty kegs and a buncha
passed out whores in our building...
<+TheUltra4sshole> not to mention the little shit like bottle
caps and whatnot
<+TheUltra4sshole> thank GOD he went to consolidated barracks
first, so we had about an hour to get everything cleaned up
<+TheUltra4sshole> you wanna talk about a buncha men working
as a team...
<+TheUltra4sshole> we had the buffer going, you heard nothing
but vacuums, sweeping, mopping, and calls for the medic to get
a hooker with an IV
<+TheUltra4sshole> pure mayhem
<+TheUltra4sshole> we get all the sluts out of our own rooms,
and since the dayroom only had a little bit of furniture and
we can work on it together, we all hit it at once
<+TheUltra4sshole> well...there was one chick left over
<+TheUltra4sshole> still passed out, topless in a leather
skirt
<+TheUltra4sshole> when we heard CQ on the first floor call
"AT EASE!"
<+TheUltra4sshole> fucking panic
<+TheUltra4sshole> Aubaugh, being the smart crazy jew he was,
stole a buncha rappelling gear from mountaineering
<+TheUltra4sshole> tied her passed-out ass up in a swiss-seat
<+TheUltra4sshole> (mind you, she was wearing JUST a skirt,
and a swiss seat goes between the legs)
<+TheUltra4sshole> tie the 120 to the center pillar, tied her
figure 8 off in a bowline, and pushed her out the window
<+TheUltra4sshole> she hung there for FORTY FIVE FUCKING
MINUTES
<+TheUltra4sshole> We pass the inspection
<+TheUltra4sshole> BUT
<+TheUltra4sshole> as 1SG was walking out of the barracks, he
walked around the outside looking for cigarette butts and
caught us hauling her naked ass back in the window...
<+TheUltra4sshole> Fail
<+TheUltra4sshole> we had such a good chance to get away with
it...
<+TheUltra4sshole> man was that a long week for charlie
company, 2-1 infantry

steve: whats your opinion on censorship
insomniacdude007: **** censorship

<Zoli> I wrote some norse death metal rap earlier today
<Zoli> of course I'd recite it for you!
<Zoli> YO I'M A BLONDE MOTHERFUCKER AND I WORSHIP THOR
<Zoli> I'M GUNNA USE MY AXE BUST DOWN YOUR DOOR
<Zoli> SCREAMING VALHALLA AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS
<Zoli> I GOT PHAT RHYMES AND I SPEAK IN TONGUES
<Zoli> RAGNAROK THE PARTY LIKE A VALHALLA PARTY
<Zoli> RAGNAROK THE PARTY LIKE A VALHALLA PARTY
<Zoli> NORSE. (crazy motherfucker with a longship baby)
<Zoli> NORSE (gunna kick your ass and I don't mean maybe)
<Zoli> NORSE. (crazy motherfucker with a longship baby)
<Zoli> NORSE (LONG BLONDE HAIR THAT IS SOFT AND WAVY)
<Zoli> fin.

<philcostin> a bad workman blames his fools
<philcostin> *tools
<philcostin> damn keyboard

<kinzey> i want to go out with a girl
<kinzey> and lay in the field
<kinzey> real romatic like
<kinzey> and just stare at the full moon
<kinzey> and she'll say something along the lines of "the
moon's so beautiful tonight"
<kinzey> and i'll just be like
<kinzey> "that's no moon... THAT'S A BATTLESTATION!!!"
<kinzey> and then run to the car and leave her ass there
<Chris> wow

<redwyre> kez said you you are a whiney bitch
<TraumaPony> Haha
<redwyre> and that you smell
<TraumaPony> Heh
<redwyre> and that you're gay
<TraumaPony> Lol
<redwyre> and that you like visual basic
<TraumaPony> THAT CUNT

<Dogan> GUYS, STORY TIME
<Dogan> So my teacher's friend's friend or something
<Dogan> She was dogsitting one day
<Dogan> Shows up the first time, finds the dog dead on the
floor, right?
<Nightryde> how embarrassing
<Dogan> SO she's gotta pack the dog corpse up and take it to
the vet so they can dispose of it or whatever
<Dogan> She can't find anything to fit it in, so she stuffs it
in a freaking SUITCASE
<Dogan> She didn't have a car so she has to take the train
through Chicago
<Zeelot> oh mannnn
<Dogan> This guy helps her carry the case on and is like
<Dogan> "this is pretty heavy, what's in it?"
<Dogan> lady replies "just some computer things"
<Dogan> the guy SOCKS HER IN THE FACE AND RUNS OFF WITH THE
CASE
<Nightryde> AHAHAHA HOW would you pawn that sort of thing???

<Jaayy> I like my coffee the way I like my niggers.
<Naive-EOC> Dead?
<Derid-EOC> In the Field?
<Ball-licker> In jail?
<Humur> Killing each other?
<Naive-EOC> Stealing?
<Sailym> Covered in blood?
<Humur> 5$ a piece?
<Derid-EOC> Stupid?
<Jaayy> ...
<Jaayy> BLACK YOU FUCKING RACIST BASTARDS!  I LIKE MY COFFEE
BLACK!

<FreshBrew> IM DONT MATH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
<FreshBrew> HELL FUCKING YES
<kolby> you still in english?

<sexor> I went shopping last night at like 1am. the place was
empty, and this old woman, just making polite convertation,
said to me: "where is everyone??".
<sexor> I replied: "In bed, same place you and I should be!"
<sexor> Took me ten minutes to figure out why she gave me a
dirty look

<sd> I was once trying to explain to an exec why his account
would never be absolutely secure.
<sd> Me: "If somebody wants your account information badly
enough, he's going to get it. He doesn't have to hack the
system, he can just get it from you."
<sd> Exec: "That's crazy, I'd never give anyone my password."
<sd> Me: "Imagine you come home and find someone's broken in.
He's got a gun to your daughter's head, and he tells you he's
going to shoot in ten seconds if you don't give him your
password. What would you do?"
<sd> Exec: [long pause] ... Which daughter?
<sd> To this day I still don't know if he was joking. But I no
longer use that example.

lemonlimeskull: So I'm sitting in Hardee's (Carl's JR for
anyone here one the west coast)
lemonlimeskull: This huge African American dude sits across
from me at the booth. Plenty of tables around, of course,
since this is Hardee's.
lemonlimeskull: Since I don't usually have uninvited guests at
fast food restaurants, I'm naturally a bit put off while
simultaniously wondering what the deal is.
lemonlimeskull: The guy goes "Hey, man what you do for a
living?"
lemonlimeskull: I must've looked really confused, but I manage
to answer "Game designer... Why?"
lemonlimeskull: The guy sits there for a good thirty seconds,
looking out the window over my shoulder.
lemonlimeskull: Then he finally looks me straight on and says
"Good, lemme ask you a question..."
lemonlimeskull: "Why don't Pacman wanna eat eyes?"
lemonlimeskull: I just gave him this really quizzical look,
then he gets up and leaves.
lemonlimeskull: After a few seconds of wondering wtf that was
all about, I look out the window over my shoulder and see
about five police cars slowly driving off into the distance.
lemonlimeskull: The worst part is...... WHY doesn't Pacman
wanna eat eyes?!

XCodymauX: I've been killing pimps all day and still don't
have enough money for that sword of light.
l33t 1nt3gr4l: the hell are you playing, GTA: Middle Earth?

<Richad34> Oy I had a bad night
<Richad34> I couldn't sleep, and had no idea what to do. My
parents are still awake, it was midnight, and I was bored.
<Richad34> So then I remembered that I had a drama
presentation the next class and I played a rich guy so I
needed a suit.
<Richad34> I take out my suit, and get dressed. You know, the
works. I even took out my top hat and my cane.
<Richad34> Now it gets a little weird. I had to go downstairs
in order to see how I looked as it's the only place with a
full body mirror. My parents sleep on the same floor as me so
I didn't want to wake them up.
<Richad34> So I got this idea. I decided to turn on my TV so
that my parents thought people were talking outside, and my
footsteps would be noises they were making. I thought it would
work, I was tired.
<Richad34> I ran downstairs, checked myself out. I looked
fine, so I went back into my room
<Richad34> Now by then the running in a suit had made me kind
of itchy (down south), so I quickly undo my pants and release
what was stuck and to relieve my itch with my hand.
<Richad34> And my mom opens the door to the room and all I do
is freeze in surprise
<Richad34> I don't know what she was thinking, but I can tell
you the following
<Richad34> It was midnight, I was in a suit and top hat, and I
appeared to be jacking off to George from Seinfeld.
<Richad34> And my mom just stood there in disbelief
<Richad34> I can't tell you what ensued, but it involved
attempted exorcism and lots of crying
<Richad34> Best night ever

<Ocher> hey guyz
<Ocher> I SUCK DICK FOR COKE
<Ocher> o god...
<Ocher> i think my brother has a wireless kb plugged in
<Ocher> IM A HUGE FAG
<Ocher> yep...
<Ocher> he does...
<Ocher> MAKE BONDAGE AND BEASTIALITY NATIONAL PASTTIMES
<Ocher> argh brb
* Ocher is now known as Ocher`Beastiality`Pwnz
<Ocher`Beastiality`Pwnz> O SHIT HERE HE COMES

<ehFk> so today in class Mr. Frank was like "Guys, turn to
page 404...."
<ehFk> me being a smartass say "Sir.... I can't find it"
<ehFk> "Michael, It is page 404"
<ehFk> "SIR! I CAN'T FIND IT!"
<ehFk> I spent the next two minutes explaining  to my class
what 404 meant
<ehFk> and they all looked at me like I was the biggest
fucking nerd EVER
<TheTik> wow... speechless.

<SmilinBob> !8ball... what's wrong with my e-mail?
<FarkStats> SmilinBob: Ask again later.
<SmilinBob> !8ball what's wrong with my e-mail?
<FarkStats> SmilinBob: Outlook not so good.

<Leitari> omg
<Leitari> king kong is long
<Leitari> ^^
<Leitari> my ass hurts
<Leitari> wait
<Leitari> that didnt sound right

<egof>I'm not that nerdy, I've only seen 30% of the star trek
episodes
<kaj>if you know what percentage of the star trek episodes you
have seen, you are inarguably nerdy
<egof>it's unarguably
<kaj>you are not helping your case

<jack> Urk. I just typed "a" instead of "10"
<anubis> jack : someone must have cast a hex on you

<Opcode> i was gonna call 911...but i was downloading a file

<Moonpie> one time, in middle school, some people let some
pigs onto the campus. They painted on the pigs "1", "2", and
"4". The faculty spent weeks looking for the third one.

<ethiopia> i'm starving

<Rachel> 15. Mycophobia is the fear of?
<Vaen> MY COCK
<Skylar> small things
<Vaen> fuck you

x-c0n: Dude I was so drunk last night.. apparently this girl
said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered,
"Simba".

<NaStyChoC> hey babe asl?
<sweetangelic> hi, 14/f/aus ^^
<NaStyChoC> ive a real big cock..
<sweetangelic> o how big??
<NaStyChoC> 9in
<sweetangelic> dats prty big, mines only 8
<NaStyChoC> ok
<NaStyChoC> wait wtf

<JayQue> britneys sister is pregnant
<madbox> orly?
<Quazgaa> vaginally, would be my guess

<Naudiz> my IQ is high enough that I can do anything I want
<Naudiz> college means nothing
<netbsd_> What is this almighty IQ you have and what
self-scoring IQ test gave you the idea you have it?
<Naudiz> I'm a Mensa member .. I allready mentioned this.
<netbsd_> So you're in the top two percent of the population?
<netbsd_> This is me being impressed.
<Naudiz> no actually ... only 1 in 50 people qualify to be in
Mensa

<comwalk> Remember, here in the U.S.A, we have reached a new
age.
<comwalk> NOBODY is responsible for their own actions.
<comwalk> Remember that.
<comwalk> Holy shit! I killed somebody! Bob made me do it!
<comwalk> Bob: Joe made me do it!
<comwalk> Joe: I blame the media!
<comwalk> Media: Videogames.
<comwalk> Videogames: Personal responsibility?
<comwalk> Personal Responsibility: <AFK>

<Korras> friendship among women: one doesn't come home one
night, and tells her bf that she spent the night with a female
friend of hers. bf calls 10 of her friends, and none know a
thing.
<Korras> friendship amongst men: same thing happens. man says
he spent the night at a friends place. gf calls 10 of his
friends. 8 confirm he has been there, and the two others say
he's still there.

<hoLy> Ouch
<hoLy> my friend is giving me a tattoo with a bic pen and a
knife right now
<hoLy> hurts so much but he almost finished
<hoLy> Hes finishing up the I in SATIN
<Ruff> ...
<hoLy> Yeah, so it'll say HAIL SATIN
<hoLy> This is gonnna be awesome

Crimson_Judas: I overheard this chick at lunch talking to a
friend
Crimson_Judas: About how she had to terminate her pregnancy
when she was young, and now that she's ready for children she
can't get pregnant
lemonlimeskull: Classic case of ABORT, RETRY, FAIL.

<Squizzle> WARNING: DO NOT LET DR. MARIO TOUCH YOUR GENITALS.
HE IS NOT A REAL DOCTOR.

<Guillotine>: The problem with being Democrat is that if you
vote for Obama, you're sexist. And if you vote for Hilary,
you're racist. Its easy being a Republican. No matter what
you're retarded.

<Entomorph> you know what cracks me up.. trojan condoms,
hehe.. I mean if you think about it, a trojan horse was really
full off all these little men, and it was a trick to get them
inside the fortress.. once inside, the horse BUSTS open, and
all the little men come flowing out

<Javelin> Oh.
<Javelin> My.
<Javelin> God.
<Javelin> We have a unit here.  It's about the size of a small
speaker.
<Javelin> In big letters across the front of it, it says "DATA
DESTROYER."
<Javelin> Some idiot comes into my office just now, and asks,
"hey, what is this thing?"
<Javelin> I say sarcastically, "it's a DVD polisher..."
<Javelin> Next thing I hear:  *GRIND GRIND GRIND* "WHAT THE
FUCK?!?!"
<Javelin> Now they're pissed at ME.
<Javelin> Because THEY couldn't read.
<Javelin> Besides, it's not like I gave them PERMISSION to use
MY "DVD Polisher."
<Javelin> I hate people.

<opensoar> you know how my wife looks really young right?
<jb> yeah - she looks about 15
<opensoar> we'd been playing tennis and she was in little
shorts and a t-shirt
<opensoar> we went to a mall and i figured i'd embarrass her
with a bit sloppy kiss..
<jb> lol - you bastard!
<opensoar> after i'd slobbered all over her, she pushed me
away and shouted out "Ew! Dad! GROSS!"
<opensoar> the whole place thought i was some kind of pervy..

<possessed27> i <3 philosophy
<prop4g4nd4p4nd4> wtf does that mean
<possessed27> rotate it 90 degrees, you foo
<prop4g4nd4p4nd4> wtf
<prop4g4nd4p4nd4> i "ball sac" philosophy?

<Deeeno> I've seen hentai that is more believable than
scientology.

<ndruo> i'm usig my onscreen keyboard
<ndruo> i's very triksies
<ndruo> he ltters re vry mall
<NeroMan> Translation: The letters are very small.
<ndruo> this will enhance my FPS skills
<SuperJoe> What's the translation for that?
<NeroMan> Translation: This will enhance my sexual ability.
<ndruo> i hte you.
<ndruo> GOD
<NeroMan> Translation: I love you, GENERAL ZOD
<ndruo> iffclt is this
<ndruo> :(
<NeroMan> Translation: This is difficult to the point I am
saddened
<SuperJoe> General Zod is pretty cool, I'll admit.
<ndruo> 8=======D translte this
<NeroMan> Translation: "My penis is small enough that I can
make a life size depiction of it using IRC text."

<Tre_Cool>: Man I'm soooo hungry... I could eat more hot dogs
than that lil japenese guy.
<Netters>: I got 20 bucks that says you can't do that.
<Tre_Cool>: Listen, I'm not intimidated by you OR your
freakish talking money.

<karlmex> So a friend of mine got back from Amsterdam a few
months back, after spending a stint there with a bunch of his
mates.  Told me quite possibly one of the funniest stories I 
ve heard. They had picked up some shrooms and acid, and
decided to take it in the wee hours of the morning, and spend
the day exploring the city while they tripped sure enough
20min into it, one of the group vanishes. So, after 7 or so
hours of struggling to search for their lost friend, they
decide it d be best to head back to their hotel, sober up,
regroup, and go looking when the gears worn off and they d be
of more use.
<tubs> lol k
<karlmex> Anyway, upon arrival at the hotel, surprise suprise
they find their friend standing in the lobby, dazed and
staring at the ceiling muttering to himself.  Understandably
they were all pissed off with him for making them worry and
bringing their trip down as a result of their half assed
search. However all the friend can reply with is  this fucking
town is full of gremlins!   They tried to calm him down and
tell him that it was the acid making him hallucinate, to which
he replied  I knew you d say that so I captured one and locked
it in the bathroom  
<tubs> lol?
<karlmex> as you d expect they thought he was losing the plot,
but he insisted they come to his room and look for themselves.
So, they head to the room, and sure enough, the bathroom door
is baracaded shut with chairs, lamps, mattress and the bed 
they're getting a little worried now, so they cautiously move
the furniture away and inch the door open 
<tubs> and??
<karlmex> ...Laying on the floor is a 10 year old kid with
Down syndrome grinning ear to ear.
<tubs> lol dude that's fucked up
<karlmex> The mate had come across one of those outing groups
or retarded kids - freaked out, balled up one of those poor
little bastards carried him back to the room and locked him in
the bathroom for proof 
<tubs> lol god man
<karlmex> anyway, luckily the kid had one of those ID cards
saying  hi my name is Ted, I live at blah blah  lol so yea,
took the poor kid to the lobby, called the cops and did a
runner before they arrived lol.

* veganzombie has joined #uc
<veganzombie> Graaaaaaaiiiiinnssss.....
* veganzombie has quit IRC (Quit: Graaaaaaaiiiiinnssss.....)

<Onyxus>: Have you ever been pwned by a 4 year old?  I have,
and so has my son.
<Onyxus>: 1.) I was riding in the car with my family and my
daughter (as I have taught her) randomly said "I pwned a noob!
" Being a proud father I reached back and said "Gimme five" to
which she promptly responded "No you're the noob!"
<Onyxus>: 2.) Just today me and the missus were sitting in the
living room watching TV while the kids were on the porch
playing in their tiny little swimming pool. My son ran up to
the back door and was yelling something unintelligible at it,
when my daughter ran up behind him and dumped a cup full of
water over his head...multiple times. He ran off, most likely
to cry in a corner somewhere, and she looked at me through the
door and yelled "I pwned a noob Daddy!"
<Onyxus>: Words can not describe the pride I feel in how I've
brought up my daughter...

<AndrewLB_in_Chise> My mom saw me walking downstairs to the
comp room with a box of kleenex and she just gave me this
look. -.- I've never felt so dirty in my life...

wtf9589: should i get the poster with 1 really hot girl or 5
pretty hot girls?
kickassmofo1111: duh get the one with five girls
kickassmofo1111: five tits are better than one
wtf9589: WTF HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN A GIRL???

<Bizzy> say Æ Ø Y
<DAL9000> Æ Ø Y
<DAL9000> easy to say
<DAL9000> f00
<DAL9000> ¸ß
<DAL9000> say that.
<Bizzy> ¸ß
<DAL9000> õ þ
<DAL9000> now that
<Bizzy> õ þ
<DAL9000> now say this:
<DAL9000> ß|ZZ¥ |§ ª е/\/\ߪ§§
<Bizzy> ß|ZZ¥ |§ ª е/\/\ߪ§§
<DAL9000> bahahaha
<Bizzy> what?
<Bizzy> damnit

<DrBob> You'll never get it. Men weren't meant to understand
women.
<Odin> not true.
<Odin> I've managed to solve for the fundamental logic
operation of women.
<DrBob> It's just best to let them do what they want, so
they'll let us do stuff to them.
<Odin> Nono let me explain.
<Odin> Women are fundamentally amplifiers.
<Odin> Anything you give them expect to get back multiplied
<Odin> give them money you don't have in the form of a credit
card, expect a huge debt
<Odin> give them a little love, and they'll give you a lot of
love back
<Odin> give them a little DNA in the bedroom
<Odin> and they give you a baby
<Odin> So if you give them crap, you'd better be ready to
recieve a ton of shit

<Musket> is there an echo in here?
<ManOfStuff> an echo in here?
<FessyBugger> in here?
<Kajifox> here?

Girl: i like falling asleep with cold pillows by the way
SkibblesMcCheese: That's nice
SkibblesMcCheese: I like bunnies and marshmallows
Girl: well, i'm just lettin ya know so that you can have
some cold ones ready for me after our extensive sex fest
Girl: i figured you'd be polite and do that for me
Girl: haha
SkibblesMcCheese: What am I supposed to do, put them in the
fridge?
Girl: no, i usually stick mine in the freezer right before i
go to bed
SkibblesMcCheese: Seriously?
Girl: for real
SkibblesMcCheese: That just bgave me a stiffie
Girl: hehe
Girl: why?
SkibblesMcCheese: I don't know... just imaging you sticking
a pillow in the freezer... it just kinda made me hard, that's
all
Girl: bending over to stick it in the freezer?
SkibblesMcCheese: Uhhh... yeah! That was it
Girl: what would u do if you came upon a scene such as that?
SkibblesMcCheese: Do you have clothes on in this scene?
Girl: hrmmm...
Girl: that's a good question
Girl: but... that's up to you
SkibblesMcCheese: So no
SkibblesMcCheese: In which case, I would build a campfire
and roast some of those marshmallows
SkibblesMcCheese: It would get pretty chilly with that
freezer open
Girl: shaddup!!
Girl: i wanted u to like, come up behind me and grab my hips
and just pull me back into u with ur dick hardening against
me... but hell, if you wanna make fucking marshmallows... i
suppose i can settle for that
SkibblesMcCheese: I really like marshmallows

<overkill_78> So this chick came over today.
<overkill_78> We talked for hours.
<overkill_78> Then she went to go take a piss.
<overkill_78> I busted in on her while she was pissing, and
she got mad at me.
<overkill_78> So I trapped her in my room and set my room on
fire.
<overkill_78> Fucking bitch is dead now.
<camdaman86> How are you not in jail?
<overkill_78> It was in The Sims.

Dr-Mambo:  so yeah
Dr-Mambo:  how about that <recent current event>
Dr-Mambo:  did you catch that <local sporting event> last
weekend?
Willuknight:  no i missed <local sporting event> but i did
manage to get to <recent current event> and it was pretty damm
cool
Willuknight:  i met <person we both know> there as well, they
were with some friends
Dr-Mambo:  oh thats just <emotive statement>
Willuknight:  <unecessary agreement>
Dr-Mambo:  well im going to go <masterbate furiously> to
<lesbian pornogrophy>
Dr-Mambo:  <parting statement>
Willuknight:  <salutations>

<taurnil> Something freakin hilarious happened in my chemistry
class today
<taurnil> i was asking my teacher about the origins of the
element "europium"
<taurnil> i said "So, where does eouropium come from?"
<taurnil> my teacher gives me the most confused look ever, and
then slowly says "i don't have any opium"

<obm>If they make a Nano Iphone, I may be interested.
<obm>oh, or an iphone shuffle, no screen and it phones random
people

<dez> lol got some hot lesbian thinking im one
<g0dly1> heh, same, actually, just sent her a pic of my ex
<dez> .....
<dez> is your sceenname josihawt190?
<g0dly1> yes
<g0dly1> FUCK
<dez> oh shit
<g0dly1> we never speak of this to anyone
<dez> agreed

<Mod> he was very nasty. called him that word you never wanna
call a black man
<Sirak> ??
<Mod> no one ever wants to call a black man the word that
begins with 'n' ends in 'r' and has 'ig' in the middle
<Sirak> Neighbour?

<KoRnkid88> omg man
<KoRnkid88> weirdest bus stop moment ever
<Owned34> >.>
<KoRnkid88> last night it was snowing like crazy right
<Owned34> yeh get hit by it? XP
<KoRnkid88> and my neighbor lady calls and asks me to do her
driveway
<KoRnkid88> so i go over and shovel it off
<Owned34> =o
<KoRnkid88> next day im standing at my buss stop talking to
all my friends and my neighbors house is at the corner where
the bus stop is
<KoRnkid88> and im talking with my friends and she walks up
and hands me a 20$
<KoRnkid88> and says thanks for last night
<Owned34> lol omg
<KoRnkid88> i was like WTF
<KoRnkid88> my friends and all the people at the buss stop
were just staring at me......
<Owned34> how old is this lady
<KoRnkid88> my sister gave me the weirdest look in the world
<KoRnkid88> like 70
<Owned34> Bust a cap
<KoRnkid88> once we got on the bus the girl behind me was like
"u got a 20 for one night?"
<Owned34> XD
<KoRnkid88> i was about to turn around and slap her
<Owned34> =o
<KoRnkid88> it was THE weirdest bus ride ever

<DrEechmen>  So... earlier today, I was watching one of my
family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about
10 minutes or so, and I started thinking 'gee, the danged
animal is so darned easily amused'... and then I realized that
I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten
minutes.

rhys_rhaven: I have pictures..thousands of them. but most are
art...i got katies harddrive.
rhys_rhaven: ....
overlord_overkill2007: ah i se
rhys_rhaven: i dont understand how she can walk into a church
rhys_rhaven: tons, and tons, of slash
rhys_rhaven: gay guys, gay guys fucking, gay porn stories,
guys on guys, guys kissing.
overlord_overkill2007: ewww
rhys_rhaven: guys humping guys, female ass domination, guy
slaves, butt sex,
overlord_overkill2007: ewwwwwwww
rhys_rhaven: oh it gets worse. she has no file structure!!!!!
rhys_rhaven: what kind of sick woman doesnt organize her
files?!!!
Daniel: EWWWWWWWW

<FuNGiSiDE> ftp
<FuNGiSiDE> er wtf

<omgwtf> did you guys hear about that actress who got stabbed
<omgwtf> reese
<omgwtf> reese something
<Boon> witherspoon?
<omgwtf> no with a knife
<omgwtf> HAHA!

FireSlash: Fastest apartment tour EVER.
FireSlash: I'm checking out this rather nicely priced place.
Manager (or one of his lackys, not shure) walk me into the
apartment
FireSlash: First thing he "points out" is how quiet the rooms
are, because of the thick walls
FireSlash: So I shout "CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?!"
FireSlash: I got one "Yeah!" and one "SHUT THE HELL UP I'M
WATCHIN' JUDGE JUDY"

<ninevolt> I may not be Jesus but my penis gives women a
religous expereience.
<skittz> haha
<skittz> yeah
<skittz> it turns them into nuns

<FyNXeR> Pardon my spelling... but I'm from Sweden
<sumbody> pardon my accent, i am from southeast asia
<DrMonkey> pardon my shotgun, i'm from west virginia

<ez76> a mac vs. pc commercial you'll never see: "Whatcha
doin, PC?"  "I'm playing this new game."  "Oh really, which
one?"  "Any."  "Oh."  (silence) (fade)

<Td00d> a girl just walked past the window
<Ernestiqus> Go for it.
<Td00d> she's a bit too young.
<Ernestiqus> I swear officer, I didn't know she was 16
<Td00d> she isn't 16 :/
<Ernestiqus> If there's grass on the field play ball!
<Td00d> she's so young I doubt she's got hair there...
<Ernestiqus> Old enough to bleed is old enough to breed.
<Td00d> i don't think she's in puberty already
<Ernestiqus> Hit it before puberty does.

<cndz> what would jesus do>
<Josh> probably get crucified and die

<plexiglass> what do u mean? I wasnt even here when they tried
to takeover the chan
<haplo> Why can't you just admit that you asked them to take
it over!?
<plexiglass> Sheez.. didnt expect the spanish inquisition..
* SpanInqui (spanish@34-ZARA-Y343.libre.retevision.es) has
joined #commonsense
<SpanInqui> NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!

omgsean123: so anyway, heisenberg is speeding down the street
and he gets pulled over by a cop
omgsean123: and the cop is like "do you know how fast you were
going?"
omgsean123: and he says "no, but i know exactly where i am!"

<zexis> hmmm you think this statistic is real?
<zexis> every 2 minutes a woman is raped in Ohio
<hal> why doesn't she just move?
<zexis> ?

<LenaWarrior> Does Australia float around or is it stuck there
<KoreaPro> Are you serious?

<Holly> So I got my period, and i was bleeding, and my pad
leaked
<Jesse> Really?
<Holly> Yeah, and it leaked everywhere! And so i had to go
into the doctors, and they had to shave my vagina, it wasnt
good
<Jesse> Wow, i cant believe youre telling me this
<Holly> Well...its just girl talk
<Jesse> Jesse is a guy's name too

<Everdarkgreen> WE DID THE MASH
<Everdarkgreen> we did the keyboard mash
<Everdarkgreen> THE KEYBOARD MASH
<Everdarkgreen> it was a lihosdptjhskrjngiso;
kihy,aehtptuyjgio;t

<Delanushorse> Dude, I was eating a chocolate bar in my
kitchen the other day,
when my mom walks in
<Delanushorse> I was like "it's like an orgasm in my mouth"
and my mom says "oh, believe
me, you DON'T want to know what that tastes like".
<Delanushorse> I guess she realized what she said, because she
walked out really quickly.
<Delanushorse> :(

<Zyrjello> E-mail from my comp sci professor:
<Zyrjello> I want to be clear on this point, because several
<Zyrjello> people have asked me.
<Zyrjello> The release of HALO3, tonight, does NOT qualify
<Zyrjello> as a religious holiday.

<Tscully> It's Christmas. We show up at my grandmas house. I'm
14.
<Tscully> It comes time to open the presents, she brings out
this little square-shaped flat present, wrapped in christmas
paper.
<Tscully> I wonder what it is, what joyous gift from grandma
could be so small in volume?
<Tscully> I open it, and see the words "AOL Internet Trial CD"
on the cover of a cardboard disc holder, with a 14-day AOL
trial CD inside.
<Tscully> Confused, I asked her what it was.
<Tscully> She proudly proclaimed "I've bought you fourteen
days of free internet!"
<Tscully> And that's why I hate christmas.

gazz: A bullet may have your name on it, but shrapnel is
addressed "to whom it may concern".

<PacerX> i made a kid stop crying today
<bemyfreak> awww, how sweet
<PacerX> i knocked him unconcious
<bemyfreak> WHAT

<Radz> Should I replay FF7?
<spiderbait> Nobody's stopping you.
<Radz> That's like another 90 hours I'd be away from you guys
though. :(
<payne> Do it.
<spiderbait> Do it.
<xCell> Do it.

<Infe> what happens if you try to recharge an alkaline battery
<HomerJ> blows up
<Andrigaar> Don't they explode?
<Andrigaar> I wonder if it's violent or just some leaking
battery acid.
<Infe> i think it's all a scam to get you to pay more for
'rechargeables' and ---
<Infe> AHHHHHHHHHHH MY FACE
<Infe> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

<zien> ah i love water. it's like nature's fruit juice.
<cgom> ....FRUIT JUICE is nature's fruit juice. moron.

<cow_crap> ok I came to class early one day, considerably
early
<cow_crap> and there's a girl there that I'm quite taken aback
by
<cow_crap> and she said "wow, you came early" and I said,
without thinking, "that's what all the girls say"
<cow_crap> I am such a fucking idiot
<cow_crap> she laughed at me for like 15 mins

< gordonjcp> I'm trying to enjoy the vuvuzela concert and some
prick keeps playing football

<Azemilcar> What do you Brits say when you stereotype American
speech?
<Starblaydia> anything lacking irony or sarcasm usually
qualifies, Azemilcar
<Gala|drunk> *nod*
<Yamatto> or we just hoot like gibbons and invade sandy
countries.

<Nomenumbra> 1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer,
you take 1 down, pass it around, 0 bottles of beer on the
wall.
<Nomenumbra> 0 bottles of beer on the wall, 0 bottles of beer,
you take 1 down, pass it around, 4294967295 bottles of beer on
the wall.

<WeirdBeard> well my dad is icelandic, my mother is cuban
<WeirdBeard> i'm an icecube

<harm_> today this one lady got pissed off cause we dont carry
i quote wireless power supplies
<ogregasm> a what
<harm_> thats what i said
<harm_> maybe you want an adaptor for a wireless router o
rsomething??
<harm_> shes goes no no i read online about this i wannit i
wannit
<harm_> then she got pissed when i told her that kind of
technology doesnt exist
<ogregasm> heh
<harm_> i tried to be nice but it got to the point where i was
like"get back to us in 30 years"
<harm_> "once we attain the secret of positron deflector
shields, wireless power supplies shall become a reality"
<ogregasm> why bother being that much of an ass to the poor
woman
<harm_> well shes the one who got all up in my face asking for
the store manager
<harm_> i told her he had just teleported to a corporate
meeting in tokyo

<prote> apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an
acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad
today"

<pdksh> jesus h christ
<pdksh> 'i got tired of that screensaver on that other
computer so i turned it off'
<pdksh> my sister hard-shutdown my bsd box.
<pdksh> in the middle of a kernel compile.
<pdksh> not to mention that the little blinky light on the hub
was annoying her
<pdksh> so she pulled out that wire too
<pdksh> ...
<pdksh> and she managed to rip a wire pair out of the wire.
<pdksh> yet she wants to be a cs major in college.
<dmaster-> I would beat her into a coma
<pdksh> dmaster-: im about to. either that or change her aim
password so she jumps off a bridge.
<bob354> pdksh: haha a cs major?
<pdksh> bob354: yeah... 'i like to surf the internet and chat
on aim to all my friends all the time so im good with
computers and im good at that microsoft wordart. mom said i
should go to computer school like you!'

<Slave>So good party round mine, wasn't it Duncan
<Player45> Hell yeh!
<Johanna>oh really?
<Player45>Yeh we all got completely fucked up, except the one
problem
<Slave>Problem?
<Player45>Yeh, your sister and her electric toothbrush, hell
she must have kept me up half the night using that thing, her
teeth must be super clean
<Slave>Electric toothbrush? She doesn't have one, no one in my
family has one
<Johanna>hmm..
<Slave>OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A FUCKING MOPED!

<crabcakedeathra> where were you earlier?
<arkilla> work.
<crabcakedeathra> where you work?
<arkilla> GTE Visa. mail room clerk.
<arkilla> had some trouble with this asshole sendin in coupons
<arkilla> today he also sent in 33 motherfuggin' pennies
<arkilla> my managr called to complain, after like an hour WE
cut HIM a check for 33 cents
<crabcakedeathra> that sounds damn familiar

<Produkt> how do i put a new picture on the gallery
<Pi> ERROR: QUESTION MARK MISSING
<Produkt> ?
<Pi> ERROR: QUESTION MISSING
<Produkt> how do i put a new picture on the gallery?
<Pi> ERROR: TOO MANY ATTEMPTS
<Produkt> youre a fag
<Pi> PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER

thefinalcutter83: According to CNN.com: "Iranian missile may
be able to hit U.S. by 2015."
SpaceInvader455: That's one slow fuckin missile.

<Sloyment> Don't type so fast. This channel looks like Tetris
level 50

Far2Paranoid: Knew this guy in HS
Far2Paranoid: Built a box with 2x 350Mhz Pentium2, back in '98
Far2Paranoid: The trick was, filled his bathtub w/ glycerin
Far2Paranoid: Took apart a mini-fridge and used the coils to
cool the glycerin to ~40F
Far2Paranoid: Then sunk the box so he could OC the CPUs to
1.3Ghz
Far2Paranoid: Coolest shit I've ever seen.
AlbinoChpmnk: If this was sitting in his tub, how did he
shower?
Far2Paranoid: After what I just said, what makes you think he
showered?

yetiamchosen: So the only part about this curse of recruiting
potentials for the marine corps that isn't utterly miserable
is fucking with the people that have already signed up. Now,
we don't want to scare them off entirely, so we can't just sit
there and be like, "You're going to die in bootcamp!" But we
can be completely insane with each other in front of them, and
let them draw that conclusion on their own. So we're told to
take the poolees on a 1.5 mile run today. No staff nco's
there, so we're like, "Fuckit. There's two recruits, there's
eight of us ... four mile run." So we start running and I had
just had a monster energy drink, the lo ball kind, which is
red. That's a dumbass's recipe for disaster, but I really
wanted one so I had one anyway. It dehydrates you, gives you
cramps, and makes you puke. So we've been running like half a
mile and without breaking pace I casually puke onto the side
of the road, and keep running. Among marines this is normal
behavior, so no one even says anything, but the recuruit is
looking like, "Wtf, did that guy just puke without stopping?"
geekryan: lol
yetiamchosen: And he's like, "Dude! Are you alright!" I'm
like, "KEEP RUNNING!" and I speed up a little bit, chuckling
inside. And then it really hits me and I'm like, going full
speed, just hurling all over the side of the road, wiping my
mouth, running, hurling and he looks at the puke and he goes,
"OH MY GOD ARE YOU PUKING BLOOD!"
geekryan: HAHAHAHA
yetiamchosen: And I go, "THAT'S NOT BLOOD IT'S CONFIDENCE
AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!" And I just blast off like a little red
streaming rocket ship. I look behind me and this kid seriously
look like he's just about to piss his pants, like, "Oh my god,
what the fuck have I gotten myself into?" I got up to the
front and this marine looks at me and goes, "Were you really
puking up blood?" I'm like, "No devil, it's monster," and he
just laughs, he's like, "You're going to hell."
yetiamchosen: That's it. I was chuckling inside all the way
home.
geekryan: that really is awesome
geekryan: I can't imagine how freaked out that recruit was
yetiamchosen: I hope he doesn't sleep well again until he gets
to boot camp.

<@Ricky> According to BBC News, the father of the Nigerian who
attempted to blow up the Delta airliner whilst approaching
Detroit had emailed US authorities to warn them about his
son's extreme anti American views. This man happened to be a
very wealthy banker.
<@Ricky> You can imagine the email arriving at the US
Government's offices:
<@Ricky> Good afternoon, I am a wealthy Nigerian banker....

<danamania> yay I fixed my laptops battery!
<danamania> it was so dead, nothing would charge it
<danamania> so I gave it the electronic equivalent of a kick
in the head, by shorting the +/- terminals for 5 minutes
<gelfie> don't they have stickers on them that say they could
explode or catch fire by doing that?
<danamania> yeah but it's ok, I took them off first.

<No_One> Damn my land mine collection is gone.
<No_One> Also so is my shed
<No_One> That's gonna be fun in the morning
15 minutes later.
<No_One> Fuck afk police pulled in
<Dwarf> k
<Dwarf> have fun
10 minutes later.
<No_One> Shiit
<No_One> Someone broke into my shed
<No_One> They won't do that again
3 hours later.
<No_One> Can I be charged with criminal negligence even if the
said deceased person used bolt cutters to access something
that killed them?
<noregister> I doubt it
<No_One> Good

[@smcn] like #bearcave. you wouldn't expect it to be a gay
channel. YOU WOULD EXPECT IT TO BE A CHANNEL ABOUT BEARS
WOULDN'T YOU

<b3nz0rz>: A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my
suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for
that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses.
Now I'll have to kill you too".

<Pedlya> So I got this really big usb drive, and me and my dad
are trying to put shit on it.
*Simpe has entered #cancelled
<Pedlya> my dad said its too big, and I guess it was
<Pedlya> so my mom comes in and is trying to push it in...it
still didnt go in
<Pedlya> my brother uses his and it fits fine, so we just use
his
* Simpe has quit IRC (I dont want to know dude... )

<Rostam> 1 in 4 girls has problems with incest at home
<Rostam> that sickened me
<Shrap|Wal> the others 3 are fine with it ?

SeanieG123: So the other day i was hangin out with some
friends and i told them about this dream i had.
SeanieG123: It was a weird dream, and they all agreed and told
me there was something wrong with me.
SeanieG123: Anyway, so then my black friend, brandyn, looks at
me funny.
SeanieG123: So jokingly, I say to him, "what's wrong? don't
you dream when you sleep?"
SeanieG123: He looks at me dead in the eye and says, "hell
naw! last nigga who had a dream got shot!"

<Demon Beaver> So, at the LAN-party, there was a new guy.
<Demon Beaver> And when he went for a drink, we snuck up to
his pc, and created a folder called Horse-Porn on the desktop.
<Demon Beaver> Then we took a screenshot, put it as his
wallpaper, and deleted the folder.
<Demon Beaver> He tried to get rid of that folder for 3 hours!
^^

<jsCLASS> lets talk about my johnson
<Mercster> small talk, eh?
<jsCLASS> fuck
<jsCLASS> owned

<@baka> anyone here ever eaten sushi off a naked woman?
<Sloshed> no thanks
<@baka> i'm intrigued
<@Sadrak> I'd volunteer to do the dishes

<mp> i am convinced i am a woman
<Oreoboros> mp: Why's that?
<mp> cuz i went to bed bath and beyond for a shower curtain
and left with $700 worth of shit
<mp> and i had to go back because i realized after i checked
out that i forgot to buy a fucking shower curtain

<FunFun> We're gonna go eat at this new restaurant opened by
this Japanese family tonite...any suggestions on what to
order?
<tilted_halo> order bukkake...and ask for a bowl of
unko...they'll be impressed and stuff
<Rowan_Knights> dont forget some chitsu...
<FunFun> Thanks!
<tilted_halo> and when the waiter comes to your table say the
following: "Atashi katai hakebune no otoko ga suki!"
<FunFun> What does that mean?
<tilted_halo> it's a greeting...
<FunFun> Alrighty I'll be back in a while!
***QUITS: FunFun(Laters!!!)
<MagiTek> I know bukkake, what else did you 2 tell him ?
<Rowan_Knights> Well...I told him to order some vagina...
<tilted_halo> unko means shit and that 'greeting' means "I
like a man with a hard dick"
<MagiTek> Bwahahaha...I wish I could be there...
<tilted_halo> We all do...

<Stormscape> Yo dawg we heard you like Macs so we only put one
pedal in your car

<Belial`> you still cant say anything with certainty though
<Belial`> since the bible has like, a fucking black hole
between jesus being a kid and his preaching days
<Catoptromancy> Phase 1, birth
<Catoptromancy> Phase 2, ???
<Catoptromancy> Phase 3, Prophet

<Knives> hey jiv
<Knives> do you know the 4 types of female orgasms?
* Jiv admits he does not
<Knives> Well, the first, is the Religious orgasm
<Knives> or the, Spiritual orgasm
<Knives> it goes something like this
<Knives> "Oh GOD! oh GOD!  OH OH OH GOD!"
<Knives> the 2nd, is the positive orgasm---" OH YES! OH YES!
OH YES!"
<Knives> to which comes the third, the negative orgasm... "OH
NO! OH NO! OH NO!"
<Knives> and then finally
<Knives> the fake orgasm
<Knives> "OH JIV! OH JIV!  OH OH JIV!"
<Hawk> lol
<Jiv> ....bitch

<iibbmm> Stupid World of Warcraft.
<iibbmm> I have no money, I have no skills.  All of the hot
hot elvin women are dancing with the big warrior guys.  It's
college all over again.

<mav> I've always wanted to change my legal name to ;DROP
DATABASE; and see what kind of havoc ensues...

<Nudger> The Internet is great, but the best thing it's ever
done is when a bored schoolfriend of mine set the school's
website's background to Goatse.
* Antifreez sighs
<Antifreez> So many memories attached to that song.
<Nudger> It was so great when the IT teacher opened the page
on a huge projection screen, and without looking at it, said
"We, shall be attemping THIS, boys!"
<Nudger> I swear, I was almost sick from laughing.

Yikes: Someone sneaked into Rob's back yard and PLANTED A TREE
this morning
chunkyq: WHAT?
Yikes: Like, a seven-foot deciduous sapling. That's the BEST
act of vandalism EVER

<ruffkin2> HAHAHAH dat dude you sent me 127.0.0.1 iz enfected
wit sub7 im fuckin with him now
<andrw>  oh good, format his computer
<Testicular_One> format his computer
<TheGreaterZero> format him

Rachel: I'm board.
Jeff: I'm chalk, we should get together.
Rachel: BOARD! Like I don't have anything to do, not BORD,
like a chalkbord. Learn to spellcheck.
Jeff: Oh god I hope you don't breed.

<FossZombie> wtf
<FossZombie> quote "so you are 23 years old right?" me: "yes"
them: "did you have any programming experiance in the 1970s"
* Wolfed hails FossZombie
<FossZombie> I'm tempted to say yes
<Wolfed> It would have been interesting.
<FossZombie> Yes in 1971 I was the lead computer scientist for
the military, until 1975 when I switched jobs and worked for
zenith for a short period of time until 1980s when I switched
over to the atari group programming team. In 1984 I was born
and that pretty much ended my career as a programmer.
<FossZombie> I spent the next three years shitting myself and
learning how to speak and learn my ABCs

andyg721: i think it was on CNN
andyg721: Condoleeza Rice went to Asia
andyg721: the headline was RICE IN ASIA

nurv3947: So, I was talking to one of my friends, and she's
kinda fat, right?
nurv3947: And this woman walks up to us, looks at my friend
and asks "Are you pregnant?"
nurv3947: And she says "Yes, I got gang raped by twelve
donuts."
nurv3947: Honestly, I almost died.
nurv3947: I just turned and walked away.
nurv3947: I couldn't even walk straight.

Good Book Report
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life"
by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report,
with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden
love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same
thing

<Andrew> woot
<Andrew> I just used my mastercard for the first time
<Andrew> I'm a man now.
<debian_> what u buy
<Andrew> purse

<Onizuka> ^captain_planet
* UB3R-B0T is now known as Kwame
<Kwame> EARTH
* Kwame is now known as Wheeler
<Wheeler> FIRE
* Wheeler is now known as Linka
<Linka> WIND
* Linka is now known as Gi
<Gi> WATER
* Gi was kicked by Xeiliex (Xeiliex)
* Gi has joined #jasio
* Gi is now known as Ma-ti
<Ma-ti> HEART
* Ma-ti is now known as Everyone
<Everyone> GO PLANET
* Everyone is now known as anonymous
<anonymous> BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED...
* anonymous is now known as Captain_Planet
<Captain_Planet> I AM CAPTAIN PLANET
<Moiph> YAAAAAY
<Xeiliex> Moiph, NEVER AGAIN

WindMage1: my cat already had kittens a month ago
WindMage1: we took her in to get fixed, and they're like "We
can't... she's pregnant"
WindMage1: and I said "That bitch said she was on the pill!"
WindMage1: and then there was very awkward silence in the
vet's office

<nick> FUCKING HELL!!!!
<nick> I swear one day I'm just gonna go and hunt down every
stupid bitch on earth and put them out of their misery...
<R4an0m> ?
<nick> Ok, theres this resteraunt just down the road from me
where I eat every now and then.. other night I go in for
dinner with my girlfriend. After drinking half a bottle of
wine, my bowls begin to complain, so I head to the bathroom
<nick> I use the urinal and turn towards the sink and start to
zip up at the same time when in walks this young girl of about
18, quite nice looking, and there I am with my dick still
halfway out of my pants...
<nick> so I turn pretty damn fast in the other direction and
zip up, then turn back expecting to find she'd dissapeared,
only to discover that not only hadn't she left, she'd let the
door shut and walked in a couple of steps towards me. Now I'm
pretty embarrassed and point out to her that she had gone
through the wrong door.
<nick> She tells me that no she didn't and then she fucking
reaches down and grabs my dick through my pants! I take a
quick step backwards and ask her what the hell does she think
she's doing (I mean shit what would happen if I wandered into
the ladies and started feeling people up??).. she gets this
disgusted look on her face and turns round, storms out the
bathroom
<nick> Now I'm left standing there going "what the fuck just
happened??" for about a minute, then wash my hands and head
back to the resteranut... only to be greeted by the young
lady, the resteraunt manager and some 7 foot tall, 4 foot wide
dude with "Security" written on his shirt. Alarm bells proceed
to go off in my head, but I stay calm and ask what the problem
is
<nick> the manager tells me the young lady (known from here on
in as the bitch) has complained about me sexually harassing
her when she accidently walked into the wrong bathroom!
<nick> I resist the urge to walk over and punch her, and try
to explain my version of what happened. At this point the
bitch pipes up and calls me a "lying son of a bitch" that was
a "menace to society"
<nick> so I think "right I'll fix you" and turn to her and say
"look you stupid bitch, you came onto me, I turned you down,
what kind of sad pathetic loser are you, that you have to hit
on random guys in a bathroom anyway? Get over it, you lost, no
need to get all bitchy over it."
<nick> I figure now she'll either shut up or totally lose it
and start screaming at me, but alas, I was mistaken about how
fucked I truely was. Instead of shutting up, she looked at me
for a second then burst into tears, before turning to the
manager and saying inbetween sobs....
<nick> ".....you're not going let him say that to me, are you
daddy?"
<R4an0m> aahahahahahaa!!
<nick> so now Im sore from being thrown out the door by that
bouncer, and I got a vist from the police this morning telling
me I was being charged with sexual assault.. :(.

<DigitlDud> So you guys really don't care if I'm gay?
<gopus> I personally could care less.
<DigitlDud> I'm really afraid of telling my parents.
<gopus> Then don't.
<wafn> DigitlDud, the way I see it, all of us have things
about us we are ashamed of.
<gopus> That's right...
<Skarab> yeah, DigitlDud, I gave my cousin tongue before, and
I think that's far more embarrassing.
<gopus> ...
<logiclrd-> And I look hella ugly. You've seen my pics.
<Hello1> DigitlDud: and you basically know that I couldn't get
laid if my life depended on it.
<frankyd> and I smell like shit.
<gopus> ...
<gopus> and I think AOL rocks.
<frankyd> gopus: ...
<Hello1> ...
* logiclrd looks at gopus
* gopus was kicked by logiclrd (Bye)
<logiclrd-> there are some things I won't tolerate.

Kanuck: i like to look at porn in pdf files.. just so i can
make the little hand grab things.

OnlineHost:  Sheila41428 has entered the room.
d00d903:     hi there sheila! 17/m/tx wanna cyber?
Sheila41428: sure
d00d903:     asl
Sheila41428: 48/f/tx
d00d903:     the hell? mom?
Sheila41428: OH JESUS FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
OnlineHost:  Sheila41328 has left the room.

TANK Ex Mortis: I HATE WINDOWS!!!11one
AkiraBlast45387: ha
AkiraBlast45387: y?
TANK Ex Mortis: "Cannot delete file: It is being used by
another person or program. Close any programs that might be
using the file and try again."
TANK Ex Mortis: WHAT FILE, YOU SHITHOLE OPERATING SYSTEM!?
TANK Ex Mortis: If I was on Linux, it'd be like "There was an
error, program X doesn't want you to delete that file. Here's
a helpful link to teach you how to get around that. Would you
like some tea?"
TANK Ex Mortis: Of course, when I want to install something on
Linux, it says "You can't install that until you install these
50 libraries, update these 3 drives, downgrade this 1 driver,
and pick my mom up from the airport."
TANK Ex Mortis: Whereas with Windows, it says "Click the next
button over and over again until the program is installed. It
will then work perfectly unless it doesn't."
TANK Ex Mortis: Unless it's made by Valve, in which case it
says "DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE" and blows up your computer. ;
_;

<FoXeh> The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second
Lieutenant with a map and a compass
<FoXeh> Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
<FoXeh> Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.
<FoXeh> Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I
say again, divert YOUR course.
<FoXeh> Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
<FoXeh> Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE
15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
<FoXeh> Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

<Handy> There are 2 kinds of people in the world.
<Handy> 1. Those who need closure.
<Marko> And?
<DavyP> AND?

kixor: well, how are you going to get around the north
american ip ban?
Kovia: duh, last i checked i live in texas
Kovia: and texas is south america
Kovia: way to go, idiot

<glasnost> dammit, all my penis keep getting lost
<glasnost> err
<glasnost> penis*
<glasnost> dammit!
<glasnost> i've freudian slipped and i can't get up

<vee> I went to buy the 7th harry potter at midnight
<vee> I was the first in line
<vee> the first thing I did when I got it was i opened it to
the last page
<vee> Then I screamed out SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!
<vee> Everyone freaked out
<eric> That's mean!
<vee> It took them a few minutes to figure out I said the
ending of the 6th book

<Velkyr> Why is it when your wife or girlfriend gets pregnant,
all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations!"
<Velkyr> But nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?

<Greg> Statistically speaking, there are two popes per square
kilometer in Vatican City...

<@whm> "A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his
ass. The  doctors described his condition as stable."

Clainsynar: What if all numbers were multiples of pi and our
integer system was wrong?
TokMor: stop having such irrational thoughts

<davo0o> My girlfriend has been playing hard to get lately.
<lex> Did you inflate her with helium this time?

<madthink> what does putting sugar in someones gas tank do
<maff> I heard when you start the engine cinnamon rolls come
out
<maff> with frosting and everything
<madthink> i need to get revenge in the worst way
<maff> cinnamon rolls arent really revenge

<asiftosay> my friend kolby decided to play a joke on his mom,
so he went into her room at night when she was sleeping. he
wore a ski mask and had a fake gun.
<banquet> omg
<asiftosay> and he starts yelling shit with the fake gun
drawn, and she wakes up all scared and stuff...so she goes
"don't kill me. i'll fuck you all you want if you let me
live."
<asiftosay> they avoided each other for days.

<BlueStar> my dad used to leave the dish on the porn channels
<BlueStar> so i'd turn it on and there'd be porn
<BlueStar> i was always like "augh!!"
<hotdogcore> eww
<BlueStar> then i discovered the internet... haha.
<hotdogcore> ta da
<hotdogcore> !
<BlueStar> my mom walks in as I've got like 10 windows of BME
hard open
<BlueStar> I'm usin win 98 at that time
<hotdogcore> ahahahaha
<BlueStar> so i try to click the desktop icon
<BlueStar> and its too slow
<BlueStar> so i turn my computer off
<BlueStar> she yelled at me: "you're going to get bad sectors!
if you're looking at porn you dont' want me to see, turn off
your monitor!"
<BlueStar> ....I got bad sectors.
<mal> HAHAHAHAHA
<hotdogcore> bahaha

<blazemore> i need to find a used ddr 3rd mix machine
*** Joins: DigDug
(digdug@dialup-63.214.200.78.Philadelphia1.Level3.net)
<AlmtyBob> good fucking luck
<AlmtyBob> you're looking at $8000 wihtout shipping
<AlmtyBob> even used
<DigDug> whatcha talking about, bob?
<AlmtyBob> a filipina chick
<AlmtyBob> the ones you buy in exchange for bringing them to
the us
<blazemore> my dad is thinking about helping pay for one so we
can stick it in an arcade and make some money :o

Jefferson: FOR SOME REASON MY PASSWORD ON HOTMAIL WON WORK
Mymuffinfatty: do you have caps lock on?
Jefferson: oh
Jefferson: nevermind.

Neko: how long has it been since i've seen you?
Rawr: since December 9th
Neko: dammit i wanted you to do the math and tell me how many
weeks
Rawr: three weeks, three days?
Neko: oh good thank you
Rawr: why, is someone asking you?
Neko: no
Neko: i was bleeding then, and i need to keep track of when i
need to buy more tampons
Rawr: ...
Rawr: you are the least romantic person EVER

queenren24: i need your advice
queenren24: cause you're a guy and all
MrFluffyPants26: that I am
queenren24: what would you, as a guy, rather have for your
birthday or christmas: a video game or that axe stuff that
smells SOOO good?
MrFluffyPants26: Axe DOES smell good...
MrFluffyPants26: what video game?
queenren24: rome: total war
MrFluffyPants26: hm...
MrFluffyPants26: probably the game
MrFluffyPants26: but give him sexual favors too
MrFluffyPants26: can't go wrong with that
queenren24: :O
MrFluffyPants26: precisely

<@Quasi> I feel like my life is a movie.
<@Quasi> But it's being shown on TV.
<@Quasi> So all the sex scenes are cut.

(sean__) i want to call you with my cell phone whats your #
(@Pain`) (911)-323-4155
(sean__) dude you made me call the cops what the fuck

BlkBlade393: would you hit it?
WordsLikeVenom: i'd hit it so hard, if you pulled me out you'd
be the king of britain

annonymous: there is this post on the IMDB board asking if saw
III has any nudity because they want to know if they can take
their kids to it

(idestroy) sigh
(idestroy) ok so
(idestroy) my friend got a handle of smirnoff vodka
(idestroy) we killed it together in like an hour
(idestroy) I went to bed
(idestroy) in boxers
(idestroy) apparently
(idestroy) I woke up and had to poo
(idestroy) instead of going to my bathroom
(idestroy) I went out into the hallway
(idestroy) into the stairwell
(idestroy) removed my boxers and placed them on the stairs
(idestroy) then took a massive liquidy shit at the top of the
steps
(idestroy) walked THROUGH it
(idestroy) leaving poopy footprints
(idestroy) left my boxers there
(idestroy) went DOWN TO THE 2nd FLOOR
(idestroy) from the third
(idestroy) banged on random people's doors
(idestroy) people came out and saw me walking down the hall
naked with shit on my ass
(idestroy) I made it to the stairs again
(idestroy) went back to my floor but down a few doors to my
friends
(idestroy) there was like 15 people in their room
(idestroy) it was packed
(idestroy) I was naked
(idestroy) I went into their bathroom
(idestroy) and everyone was like what the fuck
(idestroy) went into the toilet stall, tried to clean my ass
(idestroy) FELL OVER AND SMEARED SHIT ON THEIR WALL
(idestroy) meanwhile someone went back to my room and got my
clothes
(idestroy) and someone else found the poo
(idestroy) they brought my clothes over
(idestroy) I tried to put my shirt on my legs
(idestroy) and said THESE ARENT MY PANTS
(idestroy) so I got help with that
(idestroy) got walked back to my room
(idestroy) and went back to sleep
(idestroy) woke up the next day
(idestroy) thought it was a dream
(idestroy) called my friend paul
(idestroy) he told me all about it
(idestroy) :(
(ZS) note to self: never let idestroy have alcohol
(idestroy) there's a facebook group "who pooped on the stairs"

<vai> My mom is like, deathly afraid of worms and she saw one
on the sidewalk
<vai> so she made me go get it and she went inside the house,
so I went in the house with the worm in my hand
<vai> and she yelled my name and told me to get rid of it, so
I threw it outside I came in the house
<vai> she called me an asshole and a son of a bitch
<vai> so I was like "son of a bitch?" she said "shut up,
you're adopted go away"
<vai> =(

<WarMoose> Think about how stupid the average person is. Now
realize that half of them are dumber than that.
<Chunda> Why half?

<Hvatti> MY CAPS-LOCK IS ON AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT
OFF.. CAN ANYONE HELP ME???
<[DoD]Xiao> typ capslock button :P
<aegis> Hvatti: hold down shift while writing instead...^^
<Hvatti> hey that shift-thing works thx!!!
<Hvatti> but it*s pretty difficult to write while holding a
shift:::
<Lilly-> omg
<Lilly-> Hvatti find "caps lock" key and press it once
<Lilly-> number 3 from bottom left
<Hvatti> where can i find it
<Tiger> hehe :D
<aegis> at the left of your keyboard
<Hvatti> ok thanx::
<Hvatti> YES IT WORKED!!!
<Lilly-> aamm
<aegis> apparently it didn't
<Lilly-> lol
<Hvatti> CAN I NOW RELEASE THE SHIFT?
<aegis> yes
<aegis> you have to release the shift.
<Lilly-> omg how sweet !!
<Hvatti> like this?
* Lilly- faints
<aegis> yep, just like that

* Sinbad changes topic to '15000 atheists in London rioted
after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk'

<Animix> WHO THE HELL HAS 18 CHILDREN
<Animix> 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, IT'S A VAGINA, NOT A
CLOWN CAR'

<Ranbert> someone shoot me please....
<tele>   o                              \O_ Arrgh!!
<tele>  <\==-   -   - -   -  -  - --- __/
<tele>  / \                             \

<imthatguy>  One night home from the bars, which aside from
the occasional pizza place the only other thing open was this
porno store.  I'm not sure why - I think one of my friends
wanted to buy a magazine - but we went in, and annoyed the
shop's patrons by picking up every ridiculous sex toy and
laughing about it loudly. The most absurd thing we found was a
large plastic beer can - meant to look like "Coors Light," or
something, but much larger - and when you unscrewed the cap at
the top, there was a latex vagina inside, that you were meant
to stick your dick in and fuck the can. Well, not really
"fuck" the can, exactly, but masturbate with it.
<imthatguy>  So of course we have to buy the beer can vagina,
because we're drunk and it's funny, and we figure we'll find
some entertaining unintended use for it. So we paid for it and
continued on our merry way back to the hotel. Once there we
said our goodbyes and retired to our rooms, and I realized
that somehow I'd gotten stuck carrying the bag from the sex
store. I set it down on the desk and didn't think much about
it. That is, for a few minutes, until I found myself sitting
on the bed in my hotel room, drunk and lonely and sexually
frustrated, and I kept staring over at that stupid beer can
vagina.
<imthatguy> "Maybe I should just try it. Just see what it
feels like..." I mean, why not, right? You know. Just for
kicks, right? So you know what? I fucked it. Yeah. I fucked a
plastic beer can. I fucked the shit out of that can. And you
know what? It felt alright. It did the trick. That is, until
it was all over. Until the moment after, when I was hit by a
sobering freight train of humility, looking down at my dick
stuck inside a latex vagina housed in a plastic beer can.
Moments like that you start to question everything - "How the
hell did it come to this? Who am I? What am I doing with my
life?" I probably sat there for an hour, silently with my
plastic lover, pondering my existence.
<imthatguy> The next morning, when the subject of the previous
night came up and someone said, "oh, where's that funny beer
can thing we got? Rob, you had it, right?" And everyone looks
at me, and I just stare at them for a moment, and then say,
"...I fucked it. I fucked it and I hated myself, and now it's
gone." There was a slight pause, followed by uproarious
laughter. The ridicule took months to subside.

<Gregoray> Most embarassing moment would be when I finished
wanking, and stoop up to do up my pants, when i noticed a red
dot on my nuts. When i looked up, I realized my 13 year old
niegbor and her 2 friends where watching me through my window
and had a lazer pointer aimed at me.

<Jackal>: So I went over to my hippie neighbor's house and
asked for a pot holder, he went inside and came out with a
sandwich bag...... note to self new best friend.

<jaga> does anyone here have a computer?

* ^haksor^ has joined #pipari
<^haksor^> anyone have a serial for Soldier of Fortune 2???
<tiltti> Y34H-R1GH-TYOU-N3RD-4SS
<^haksor^> thanks
<^haksor^> not enough letters in that???
<tiltti> try adding -H0L3 to the end of it
<^haksor^> ok

Kraigen: Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's
rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective
spinning of English teachers in their graves.

<pezmasta> my band is gonna be called: rage against the
answering machine

<crax> my son get an ibook from school. 5th grade.
<Pothead> he doesn't deserve an ibook
<Pothead> give him an iBinder like we used to have
<Pothead> and an iPencil
<Pothead> and an iLunchpail with Spiderman on it like I used
to have
<z1g-work> did you play with your iFriends
<Pothead> iDidn't have any

[translated from German]
<MuschiExpress> kater are you there?
<KoolerKater> yeah
<MuschiExpress> What kind of spaz are you?
<KoolerKater> what's up?
<MuschiExpress> You were supposed to burn my holiday videos on
DVD for my wife
<MuschiExpress> NOT your porn collection ffs
<KoolerKater> omg wait a minute... you said you wanted the
holiday stuff and that porn
<MuschiExpress> Yes, but on TWO, in numbers, 2, you
understand, TWO DVDs!!!
<KoolerKater> ...

<Betty> So, wanna go see a movie tomorrow
<Sokol> NO! I toled you, i haev a girlfriend!!!
<Betty> I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU STONED FUCK!!!

<deloused> haha i love when people start telling you stuff
like you care when you actually don't and you don't pay
attention, and then when they finish they ask for your opinion
/advice and you just say "oh yea i totally agree"
<XA> oh yeah, i totally agree

Jenna says:
I
Jenna says:
l
Jenna says:
o
Jenna says:
v
Jenna says:
e
Jenna says:
y
David says:
C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
Jenna says:
what the **** is your problem?
Jenna says:
why do you always do that?

<TribGuru> How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
<TribGuru> You don't know, man.  You don't KNOW.
<TribGuru> cause you weren't THERE

<who> i can't watch brokeback mountain for the same reason i
can't watch horror movies
<who> i would scream "HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!" in the middle
of the theater

<raven> Any cat people here? I've got a problem with Nicky...
<Leth> I've been known to be handy with a wok
<Lore> Why, I'm a cat person.
<raven> I took Morgan to the vet yesterday - he was gone for a
total of 45 minutes, got two vaccs and a blood draw.
<raven> Brought him home and Nicky went BALLISTIC.
<raven> Spent the rest of the night yowling and hissing and
attacking MOrgan.
<CrazyClimber> nicky smells the hospital smells on morgan
<Lore> Yeah, I've seen that happen.
<raven> Is there anything I can do to get the hospital stink
off him, then? Pack his carrier in coffe grounds or something?
<tieboy> how about a bath
<CrazyClimber> just give it a day or so
<Lore> We tried catnip and butter, and neither worked.
<agent_orange> butter?
<agent_orange> you buttered your cat?
<Lore> Yes.
<raven> it's the best way to butter the house.
<raven> Cats are effective butter delivery units.
<Lore> We read somewhere to put butter on a cat's forehead.
<agent_orange> did the emolient facilitate insertion?
<Lore> And the other cat licks it off, and likes the first
cat, because it tastes like butter.
<Lore> As I said, it didn't work.
<agent_orange> you read sopmewhere to put butter on the cats
foreWHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING
<tieboy> rub the two cats together vigorously until they smell
like each other
<agent_orange> piss on them both at the same time
<tieboy> KITTY TASTES LIKE BUTTER
<raven> It's more fun to put tape on their feet.
<agent_orange> why not do both
<agent_orange> and then get out the handycam
<Lore> I believe what I was thinking was "Maybe it will work.
And even if it doesn't, I get to butter the cat's forehead."
<agent_orange> AFHV would *love* some footage of sticky-pawed,
freshly buttered cats trying in vain to avoid a stream of
steaming miller lite
<Samwise> You know what helps with feuding cats, Lore? Sending
me lots of cash.
<agent_orange> now, see, I read somewhere --
<agent_orange> I think it was leviticus
<agent_orange> -- that what you should do is frost them
<agent_orange> betty crocker, right out of the can
<raven> Chocolate or buttercream?
<Leth> rave: go chocolate, buttercreme isn't pareve
<CrazyClimber> you're frosting meat?
<agent_orange> and then there'a always Cat Wellington
<agent_orange> "What are you doing in the kitchen, dear?"
"Just buttering the cat, pumpkin!"
<agent_orange> "Why don't you baste the chicken while you're
at it, too, dear?" "Baste the ... *light bulb* ...Sure! Sure,
I'll 'baste the chicken'!"
<CrazyClimber> a google images search for "buttered cat"
returns a picture of isaac hayes
<agent_orange> chocolate salty cat balls

,meep> i hate the parents who go "does it wash off?"
<meep> i'm like wtf! of course it freaking washes off
<meep> it's face paint
<meep> no i am going to permanently mark your child to look
like a cat.

<Tostitos> i like my women the way i like my coffee
<Jet> Ground up and in the freezer?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> full of your cream?
<mistik> hawt?
<Dokterrock> What, tied up in a sack and thrown over the back
of a burro?
<RaMTuFF> quiet ?
<Jet>: Colombian?
<Aimee> hot?
<Jet> From McDonalds?
<djswift2k3> Black?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> in a cup?
<Jet> Spilt all over your lap?
<Aimee> cheap?
<whiteboihere> strong and black?/
<Tostitos> i hate you all

<Pixistix>  I'm going to name my kids Control, Alt, and
Delete.
<Pixistix>  If they ever get to be a problem I'll just hit
them all twice
<Pixistix>  Problem solved.

<alien> theres a fly on my windowsill and it's rubbing its
hands
<TheKnife> it's contemplating
<alien> oh shit

<kperpy> then i heard my mum at the door and naturally i
panicked right, but luckily i alt+tab'd to porn and took off
my pants before she saw that i was on the microsoft website

The Fishchaser: we should tell the japaneese we found a planet
full of giant tentacle monsters and their females are somehow
little school girls
The Fishchaser: we'll be going faster than the speed of light
in a week

<Ephialtes> ugh
<Ephialtes> I.
<Ephialtes> Am.
<Ephialtes> Wet.
<Ephialtes> infact I am BEYOND wet
<Ephialtes> I am soaked
<Ephialtes> no wait, I am beyond soaked
<Ephialtes> I am drenched
<Ephialtes> and I may be beyond that
*** Ephialtes has been kicked off channel #ev3 by zambezi
(flood)

<Goat25> what is the volume of a pizza of radius z and
thickness a ?
<Goat25> answer: pi z z a

<Luigi30> someone ping flood 127.0.0.1
<Luigi30> he keeps trying to hack me
<Luigi30> nm
<Floach> This, folks, is why Mario always gets the Princess.

<ooze> take a hot swedish chick from behind, bend over to her
ear. and whisper "i have aids", then try to keep your penis
inside of her.
<ooze> thats swedish rodeo.

<Arendra> A smiley says a thousand words
<Arendra> :-)
*** Arendra has quit IRC (Excess Flood)

<KP> the admin just came over and asked me why my desktop
looks like xp and what the hell i just did to his computer
<KP> leet hax was not an acceptable answer

<stuberg> we got home from fishos at about 3 am drank as fuck
<stuberg> drunk*
<stuberg> and decided to have this mass acid/shrooms binge
<stuberg> and we kept goin all mornin on it like trippin out
crazy and watching some chinese subtitle moviee
<stuberg> and at about 8.30 in the mornign paulie decides he
has to go to school and he actually left and walked to school
<pualat> ur friend went school on an acid/mushies trip nice
<stuberg> no no u dont get it, hes 24 and owns his own
business hes not sposed to go to school

<tHiSiSbOb> I just lost a friend... He got into a car
accident... Young people can die too. I just played starcraft
with him the other day....
<black_mage_s> Well, there is always the single player
campaign.

<-Roach-> Ah you see I wouldn't always trust Wikipedia as it
is edited by people.
<Bewildebeast> I hear Brittanica is edited by manatees.

<vortex502> 3+5
<vortex502> oops
<vortex502> thought i had the calculator prog. open

<@Lerou> Lag makes baby Jesus cry.
<@TempusRob> pssh
<@TempusRob> talk about lag
<@TempusRob> it took him 3 days to respawn

<Robohunk> A friend of mine took an exam in his French class
while on acid once. When friends asked him about it later, he
said, "I think I did pretty well. I wrote this great story
about a thunderstorm." 
<Robohunk>  
<Robohunk> The professor called him into his office soon
afterwards and showed him the test. It was a piece of paper
covered with the words "Noir noir noir, noir BLANC!!! noir
noir noir noir noir, noir noir noir BLANC!!!" over and over.

<niceboy19> i'm german
<Evilbert-> don't worry i won't mention the war
<niceboy19> what do you mean with that
<niceboy19> you just mentioned it
<Evilbert-> you started it
<niceboy19> i didn't
<Evilbert-> Yes you did! You invaded Poland!

<SaxxonPike> mmm, steak
<SLASHSPIT> you guys don't respect the environment, do you?
<SaxxonPike> I respect a good dinner
<SLASHSPIT> how can you eat that? cows are like one of the
largest contributors of methane gas
<SLASHSPIT> which contributes to global warming and stuff
<SLASHSPIT> so what are you all doing for the environment?
<SaxxonPike> I eat the fucking cows

<ebim> toz.. do her doggie style and have a laptop on her back
so you can talk to us

<Dejos> I was killed by a rabit in D&D once
<Wiser> lol
<Dejos> stupid DM
<recursive> did it have big sharp pointy teeth?
<recursive> \/\/\/\/\/
<Dejos> no! it didnt have squat.. I tripped over it and fell
off a cliff

<AdmiralPJ> I can predict things before they happen
<AdmiralPJ> yes i know
<ari> That's precognition, not telepathy
<ari> Ah, damnit...
<ari> Good one

<FBD> i had a teacher named Ms. Packman.
<FBD> so im the last day of school, i dressed up as a blue
ghost, and charged at her.
<FBD> i got suspended, starting the next year...

<apoptygma> we have a jedi council at our fucking school
<apoptygma> how gay is that?!?
<apoptygma> i actually had a kid try that wavy hand thing on
me

<raiden> Hey dude I think I left my gamecube there.
<Khaniber> You didn't.
<raiden> No I really think I did.  I've unpacked, searched my
room a few times, and I can't find it.  I have my games and
controllers, but not the cube.
<Khaniber> You've been gone for a week.  I'm quite sure I
would have noticed a large purple cube sitting in my own room!
<raiden> Well I don't have it here, which means it has to be
there.
<Khaniber> I can tell you it's not.  I spend at least 4 hours
awake in my room every day, I'm in and out of here throughout
the day.  I eat here.  I sleep here.  If it were here, I would
have seen it, and I'd be having nightmares of this purple
Borg-ish cube foating above my entertainment center saying "We
are Nintendo.  Your console features and game originality will
added to our own.  Resistance is futile"
<raiden> Just check your damn room for it!
<Khaniber> Fine!  If it'll get you to quit whining.
<raiden> yeah thanks
<Khaniber> ...
<Khaniber> Um...so when did you want to come by and pick it
up?

3:pixelsoft> GHB? Don't you go to school?
3:GHB> Today is Saturday
3:pixelsoft> It's Friday
GHB left arena

The_Fur: where do i fail again?
BadMojo: First off, you're the product of a failed abortion.
Then your mother failed to drown you properly, only enhancing
your retardation. Then you failed to develop inter-personal
skills, a sense of a humour, and functioning testicles. After
that, you completely failed to "have sex" or what I like to
call "fucking." After which, you failed to enhance your brain
to a proper level.
BadMojo: Then, you failed to make sensible arguements, failed
to make funny statements, failed to win, and invariably you
will try to shoot yourself in the skull and fail at that too,
whereupon you will accidentally shoot two house cats and a
small schoolgirl.
BadMojo: Then you will fail to make a logical case in court,
where you will fail to be found innocent, and you will go to
prison, where the only thing you will succeed at is being jail
raped and then murdered by a fatman
BadMojo: Okay, let me rephrase: you will fail to properly
protect your anus from a fatman in prison, and you will fail
to have a knife-proof head, directly resulting in your
subsequent failure to live
BadMojo: whereupon your organs will be donated to science,
where your heart will fail, killing a small child, your lungs
will fail, killing an elderly man, your liver will fail,
killing a recovering alcoholic, and your kidneys will fail,
making somebody pee everywhere

<sjh> I'm bored, someone entertain me.
* GeminiGirl hands sjh a pretty girl to play with
<sjh> What's her name?
<GeminiGIrl> candy
<sjh> Candy is a sluts name.
<GeminiGirl> um... natalie then
<sjh> I only know one Natalie, and she's a stupid bitch
<GeminiGirl> :/ my name is natalie
<sjh> Yeah, I know. You're the only Natalie I know.

<foo> Damn, more spam invading my inbox
<Aviator> Nooooobody expects the Spammer's Imposition!
<Aviator> Our two weapons are offshore servers and feeble
laws. Feeble laws and offshore servers.
<Aviator> And fake headers. Our THREE weapons are offshore
servers, feeble laws and fake headers.
<Aviator> And gulliable horny lamers. Our FOUR weapons are...
I'll come in again.
-!- Aviator [dsm@mimas] has quit [Come, Cardinal
Bigglesworth!]
-!- Aviator [dsm@mimas] has joined #chat
<foo> Riiiiiight...
* Aviator tortures foo with the comfy V14Gr/ and the soft Debt
Consolidation

(talking about a guy that worked at the world trade center)
<@PowrSlave> this poor fuck is getting divorced cuz of 9/11
<@PowrSlave> lol
<@PowrSlave> his wife filed
<@PowrSlave> he didnt go into work that morning and went to
his mistresses' house instead
<@PowrSlave> had his phone off
<nonzeRo> haha
<nonzeRo> lucky guy
<@PowrSlave> he turned it on at around 11:00 and his wife was
like "OMFG ARE YOU OKAY WHERE ARE YOUR?"
<@PowrSlave> hes like "im at the office honey. whats the
matter?"
<@PowrSlave> lol

Nameskaz: can you help me with an experiment real quick?
MarineWife021406: sure
Nameskaz: let me see you naked
MarineWife021406: no
Nameskaz: you see, these fortune cookies are bullshit
Nameskaz: "Your courage will reward you" my ass

<rizerz> A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we
<rizerz> can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him
<rizerz> looking for work in six weeks.'
<rizerz> A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a
lung out of one
<rizerz> person, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in four weeks.'
<rizerz> A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we
<rizerz> can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in
another, and have
<rizerz> them both looking for work in two weeks.'
<rizerz> A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are
way behind.  We
<rizerz> took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in
the White House, and
<rizerz> now half the country is looking for work.

<Irken>:  *scared shitless*
<Minion>:  8scared shiftless8

<Conflict> my girlfriend tattooed this guy's dick last week
and when i came home i was like "how'd the tattoo go?" and she
goes "fine, except that I needed both hands so I had to hold
his cock in my mouth." i was like "thats ni-you whaaa?!??"

<Joule> I just had to explain to my father, how having two
screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

<kolby> you know those bathrooms at football stadiums where
like a bunch of guys just stand next to each other and piss in
em?
<kolby> they had a smaller version of that in this restaraunt
and I looked up while I was taking a piss and there was a
mirror
<kolby> I started messing with my hair and I pissed all over
myself and everyone behind me had this horrified look
<Scofco> hahaha, so you were pissing in the fucking sink?
<kolby> huh?
<kolby> ...fuck

<iMike> i was just thinking of hiring a man to service my
septic system
<maff> is that the classy way to say you want to get fucked in
the ass?

<xanthes> so my gf and me were doin it vampire style right
<CommanderBob> vampire style?
<princessofpie> what?
<rhodes> wtf is vampire style?
<b00z> WHAT THE FUCK?
<xanthes> shut up and let me tell you the story
<rhodes> no, you tell us what the FUCKING HELL 'vampire style'
is
<xanthes> ...
<xanthes> look, its not important
<CommanderBob> geez
<CommanderBob> pervert
* CommanderBob has left #uncyclopedia
<b00z> i have to say im with bob on this one
* b00z has left #uncyclopedia
<rhodes> yeah
<rhodes> i don't really want to be around to hear this
* rhodes has left #uncyclopedia
<xanthes> guess its just u and me then PoP
<princessofpie> no, you stay the fuck away from me, you
fucking pervert
* princessofpie has left #uncyclopedia

<Blauw>If i die and i get reincarnated, i wish i was my
girlfriends pussy
<Argy>Why?
<Blauw>Then i would be able to see all my friends again

<royan> Soemone bluetooth'd me a picture titles Jesus.jpg the
other day. When I tried to exit the message reader, it said:
Jesus not saved. Save now?
<royan> I have God's cellphone.

<TAURiNE> i guess Dafreakzo and distressp are twins who were
seperated in the hospital
<distressp> don't fuck around
<distressp> i was adopted
<distressp> i live in constant fear of accidentally fucking a
relative

<Javin> Oh.
<Javin> My.
<Javin> God.
<Javin> We have a unit here.  It's about the size of a small
speaker.
<Javin> In big letters across the front of it, it says "DATA
DESTROYER."
<Javin> Some idiot comes into my office just now, and asks,
"hey, what is this thing?"
<Javin> I say sarcastically, "it's a DVD polisher..."
<Javin> Next thing I hear:  *GRIND GRIND GRIND* "WHAT THE
FUCK?!?!"
<Javin> Now they're pissed at ME.
<Javin> Because THEY couldn't read.
<Javin> Besides, it's not like I gave them PERMISSION to use
MY "DVD Polisher."
<Javin> I hate people.

justsara: so, i started a new job today
justsara: one of my co-workers, feels like i've known him for
years
a2so4: Where are you working now?
justsara: CSO
* sillyme has joined #random
sillyme: I had the strangest day at work.
sillyme: The new girl started today.
sillyme: Seems nice enough, but looks like a fucked-out whore.
a2so4: You work for CSO, right?
sillyme: Yeah, why?
justsara: that was me, asshole

<Mike> Kentucky Freud Chicken
<Mike> It's Mother-fuckin' good.

Mario has joined #teens
<Mario> Hi r there ne hot gurls in here
<Coolguy3432> Sorry Mario, but the Princess is in another
chatroom

<Chcherrycola>Oh shit I'm fucked
<Chcherrycola>I hid my weed in my PSP carrying case. So I get
up to go get some and I can't find it anywhere, then I realise
my little brother must have taken it with him on the plane to
Florida with my family... O_O

<CtrlAltDestroy> Here is my impression of Wikipedia.
<CtrlAltDestroy> "There are five fingers on the human hand
[citation needed]"

<ahref> GOD
<ahref> BETRAYED BY MY PHONE
<ahref> I was at school, and this hot girl started talking to
me
<ahref> And she was all like "Hey, you're not as geeky as I
thought you were"
<ahref> And I'm like "Yeah, I know. I'm actually not geeky at
all."
<ahref> And then my phone starts ringing
<ahref> And it's the FF7 victory theme

<J-dogg> Your pretty funny
<DirtyKate> I don't remember you.. but thanx
<J-dogg> Wanna cyber?
<DirtyKate> OK, but don't tell anybody (wink)
<DirtyKate> Who are you?
<J-dogg>  I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot.
<J-dogg> And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's
<DirtyKate> You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of
your car..
<J-dogg> Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's
and make an order
<DirtyKate> Haha! OK
<DirtyKate> Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just
dripping with sauce.
<J-dogg> Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa
John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials,
and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What
toppings do you want?
<DirtyKate> I want everything, baby!
<J-dogg> Is this a delivery?
<DirtyKate> Umm...Yes
<DirtyKate> So you're bringing the pizza to my house now?
Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
<J-dogg> Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and
then I'll drive to your house.
<DirtyKate> Jdogg, I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry
up!
<J-dogg> You can't hurry good pizza.
<J-dogg> I'm on my way now though
<DirtyKate> So you're at my front door now.
<J-dogg> How did you know?
<J-dogg> I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the
shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza
down on your coffee table.
<J-dogg> Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a
pizza oven
<DirtyKate> Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all
wet and cold. Warm me up baby
<J-dogg> So you're still in the bathroom?
<DirtyKate> Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
<J-dogg> I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and
unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey
cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage
are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my
load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the
front door....
<DirtyKate> wtf?
<DirtyKate> You perverted piece of shiat
<DirtyKate> Fuk

<BUBBLES> Shit. I need a date for a new year's eve concert.
<Nick> december 31st

<v_9> All those who believe in Telekenesis raise my hand.

[brianh] smaller boobs are cool
(Akira1) hmm
[brianh] like the kind that 8 year old girls have
[brianh] 18
[brianh] I fucking meant 18
(Akira1) hahaha

(Ike_Aran) Our health teacher told us that "1 out of 3 people
who start smoking will eventually die." The other two
apparently became immortal.

::: .enter@6.53p> _YOU (harpeet@149.99.97.190)
~ _YOU HAVE RECEIVED A FATAL ERROR, PRESS ALT + F4 TO REPAIR
THIS IMMEDIATELY
::: .signoff@6.53p> _YOU (harpeet@149.99.97.190); ...
::: .signoff@6.53p> BlueBold
(me@tnt01dla202.winnipeg.escape.ca); Leaving
::: .signoff@6.53p> ic3d (ic3d@64-59-140-156.ivideon.com);
Leaving
::: .signoff@6.53p> CoolJeff4 (LoKv70@anolas01-p88.mts.net);
Leaving

* jtal sets mode: +v
<jtal> no more talking from you young man
Mash- is now known as -WTF-_
-WTF-_ is now known as givemev
givemev is now known as plz-
plz- is now known as comon1
comon1 is now known as usux-
* usux- has quit IRC (you suck cock give me voice)
* usux- has joined #MethaneDev
* usux- has quit IRC (come on don't be a bitch)
* usux- has joined #MethaneDev
<jtal> OMFG DO YOU NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP! HOLY FUCKING SHIT
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!%!!!@!$@!)(@#
*!()@)$04812041892801392onetwoninethreesevensix

<lrvick> whoa
<lrvick> i just found a usb magstrip reader
<lrvick> i never knew i had
<lrvick> i wonder if it works like a keyboard...
<lrvick> %B4744740232448132^VICK/LANCE R^
1506101000000000087800878000000?;4744740232258132=
15061010000000000878?
<lrvick> well
<lrvick> damn
<lrvick> apparently it does
<Science> What did we just read?
<lrvick> no comment
<Science> CC info, gotcha
<ThantiK> lrvick...
<ThantiK> you swiped a VISA...
<ThantiK> 4744 is VISA start code for credit cards.
<ThantiK> A bank of america one, specifically.
<ThantiK> Might wanna change that now, lol - all of us
probably have IRC logging turned on.  You just threw your
debit card info into all of our machines.
<Science> WELL NO ONE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IF YOU HADN'T SAID IT
MAN

<crumpiano> i just discovered a revolutionary way to piss off
my neighbor
<crumpiano> i can play porn and broadcast the audio out over
the frequency of the radio station hes listening to
<crumpiano> HAHAHAHA
<crumpiano> he cant tell me to turn it down when its HIS
stereo
<MAME> you're an asshole

<classyhorse23>  I had to google "jfgi" to see what it meant.
The irony is overwhelming.

<JustinArthur> I used to surf up the interweb and IRC in
Windows 3.11 on a an AMD 80386DX 40MHz edition.
<skyfire> JA: after walking three miles through waist deep
snow, up hill, when it was -40 outside just to get to your
computer :P
<JustinArthur> Shit, back then, we had to use TCP/IP over
smoke signal protocol.
<Nikolai> Why the hell was your computer on top of a hill in
waist-deep snow? O.o
<Lorentz> Why not?
<skyfire> smoke signal protocol!?!
<skyfire> in my day, we used a log and two sticks
<JustinArthur> Yup, someone would be at the fire on the hill
with a blanket and yell out the 0s and 1s to the guy whose
turn it was to be demodulator.
<skyfire> we just pounded them out on the log with our
demodulator writing it down with charcoal
<skyfire> of course, noise was always a problem
<skyfire> lousy october gales
<skyfire> we were droping smoke packets like there was no
tomorrow
<skyfire> then we came up with the idea of broadband over
forest fire
<skyfire> that didn't work very well
<skyfire> I mean, we got the blazing speed we expected
<skyfire> unfortunately, we had a tendency to burn out the
modems =/

<Silent69> Hey did you take the $5 dollars that was sitting on
my desk the last time you were here
<Cactus> Ya, the movie we rented wasnt rewound and they called
me up saying I had to pay a stupid fee for not rewinding the
damn thing. And I was on my way back to the video store so I
might as well had paid it off.
<Silent69> Oh ok. Just wondering where it went.
<Cactus> no prob man, gtg, peace.
***Cactus has left the conversation***
<Silent69> peace
<Silent69> Wait a second,
<Silent69> WE RENTED A DVD!!!

<Kanush> it's funny, when I tell someone I'm an insomniac they
almost always say "that's odd, I fall asleep as soon as my
head hits the pillow" which is odd becuase I don't go around
telling blind people "that's odd because I can see perfectly"

* | gets lazy
* | is now known as _

<NyseriA> i just hit my hand with a hammer
<NyseriA> and the first thing i said was "SPLENDID"
<NyseriA> which made me laugh
<NyseriA> then i dropped the hammer on my foot because i was
laughing at me saying splendid instead of FUCK

<hickhut> i have to write a speech on myself tomorrow
<hickhut> so gay
<mrquin27> there is a start

<Plot> I was either going to die now
<Plot> or get 80% third degree burns atleast
<Plot> someone had the gas nob opened
<Plot> I went into kitchen
<Plot> switched a bulb
<Plot> and wham
<Plot> kitchen was filled with one big ass fire ball
<theForger> woah dude
<C--> damn
<Jyrsija> jesus
<ThaDragon> If you just blow up your kitchen, and then proceed
to get on IRC and tell people about it, you might be a junkie.

<@Yenkaz> "You also agree that you will not use these products
for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including,
without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or
production of missiles, or nuclear, chemical or biological
weapons."
<@Yenkaz> i mean.. wtf
<@Yenkaz> I'd admire anyone capable of using itunes to produce
any weapon of mass destruction

grosslack: Hell is a place of everlasting damnation and fire.
locokamil: Your belief system is thermodynamically unsound.

( PovRayMan ) In one of the bathrooms on campus, someone
wrote: "The Americans are the Nazis of the 20th Century."
( PovRayMan ) Below it, another person followed up: "The Nazis
are the Nazis of the 20th Century, you fuckwit."

<Outpost> I love how everyone is blaming Obama for the oil
spill..
<AnnoDomini> It's actually the British.
<Outpost> yeah, you'd think British Petroleum would've made
that known.
<AnnoDomini> See, Americans dumped English tea into Boston
Bay.
<AnnoDomini> The British, after biding their time for 237
years, have struck back.
<AnnoDomini> YOUR MOVE, AMERICA.
<Outpost> ...I am so in love with you right now.

<ZhanDVG> Dammit
<ZhanDVG> I kept glancing at the computer thinking that the
channel was dead...
<ZhanDVG> Then I realised I was looking at Notepad :(
<DJ-Neo> ....
<Ice_Dragon> wow.
<Ice_Dragon> Zhan, I can safely say I don't think any of us
are ever going to top that

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I
can keep it
ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the
neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that
you are in my
breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part
of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge
your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus
about to
charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough
skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like
some phallic
symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as
skulls collide
and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll
suspended in
the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

<Philth> god i'm stupid
<Stinger> yes you are
<Philth> Stinger: Have you heard the jokes they don't tell
fags?
<Stinger> yes
<Stinger> dumbass
<Philth> what ones?
<Stinger> i cant tell you
<Stinger> fag
<Philth> DAMN that really backfired..

spE4Ce pREtZEL01: how do I end up being a therapist for all my
old gfs
OMGIMJ4KE: comes with the territory
OMGIMJ4KE: same thing happened with mine
spE4Ce pREtZEL01: not that I mind, I love 'em all
spE4Ce pREtZEL01: collect 'em, trade 'em, show 'em to your
friends
OMGIMJ4KE: gotta catch em all
spE4Ce pREtZEL01: Wendymon, I choose you! Bipolar attack!
OMGIMJ4KE: "Im happy! Now im sad!"
OMGIMJ4KE: Monster is confused!

<Beerman> I'm the top of the nick list
<Beerman> therefore I am the tallest
<Outsyder> i am in the middle of the nick list
<Outsyder> therefore i am the belly
<Beerman> does that make Sethur the naughty bits?
<Sethur> Hmmmm.
* Sethur is now known as Sethurrrrrrrrrrrr
<Sethurrrrrrrrrrrr> That's better.
<Beerman> you're still at the "naughty bits" area of the nick
list
<Sethurrrrrrrrrrrr> Yes. That's why I made my nick longer

<Apocalypse> So I was at work and decided to entertain myself,
everyone else went out to lunch and I was by myself
<Apocalypse> Pron was 1st on the list, so I start surfing the
internet, following links to various sites, and after 5
minutes or so I decided to stop
<Apocalypse> By then I had 30 or so screens opened up, all
maximised, and while I'm closing them one by one (admiring the
pics one last time) I hear a door open nearby and turn around
to look, and I kept clicking
<Apocalypse> Unfortunately, my mouse must have moved a little,
because when I turned back I realised I was clicking on the
"print" button instead, over and over and over :/
<Apocalypse> And to make things worse, things get printed
downstairs in a special room, then get brought up to us to
make things more conveniant
<Apocalypse> In brief, in 10 minutes time I have to see the
boss and explain why I decided to print out 10 or so full page
pictures of two girls fingering each other on the floor :(

<Ab0mination> I sleep on a bunk bed yeah, which is only
accessbile by a ladder and last night I must've been dreaming
or something because I woke up screaming about my ladder being
taken off my bed so I couldn't get down
<Ab0mination> And I dreamt that there was a badger sleeping at
the end of the bed
<Ab0mination> So in sheer terror I jumped from my bunkbed down
onto the floor at 3am.
<Ab0mination> I've now got to go to the vet to get my cat
checked out because I landed right on him as he was sleeping
on my floor and squashed him. (he's a deaf fuckwit)
<Ab0mination> My parents and sisters are not speaking to me.
<Ab0mination> Because they found me kneeling down beside the
limp cat yelling manically at it and waggling my fingers at it
like the Borg of Star Trek do.
<Ab0mination> Apparently I was screaming: "I am Locutus of
Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile".

EightyAngryApes : so I was sittin outside the gas station, at
like 11 30 in the morning.
EightyAngryApes : and suddenly this car pulls up and im like
woah that looks like my dads car
EightyAngryApes : then out steps my dad, rap music blaring
from his speakers and some lady in his passenger seat (not my
mom or anyone I know)
EightyAngryApes : and he looks at me and hes like shouldn t u
be in school? n im like shouldn t u be at work
EightyAngryApes : so hes like this meeting never took place
and im like agreed.
EightyAngryApes : then he went in and walked out of the gas
station carryin a box of condoms
WattoEXTAO : !!HAAHAHAHA!!!

<FlipTopBox> wow... spam in my hotmail inbox: "See Girls with
buckets of cum all over their faces!
<Slant> FlipTopBox: Dude. Give them some credit, it's hard to
balance a bucket on your face.

<Drhubbard> watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other
day.
<Drhubbard> they spent about half the film going through the
fridge labelling everything..

<Shadow> what the fuck
<Shadow> my moniter just went black
<Shadow> then came back on
<&Aphrodite> You're lucky
<&Aphrodite> I heard normally they never go back

<anonop> whats your worst sex story?
<anon> I'll answer with a one-liner.
<anon> It takes a brave man to swim in the Red waters, but it
takes a hero to drink from it.

<Lunchbox> The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck
is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

<jtripp> I own a few sites and one of them sells baby
products. A couple of weeks ago a customer ordered a gift for
her sister and asked that it be shipped directly to her
sister's house.
<jtripp> Well it turns out that she gave me the wrong address.
When I called her to get the correct one she said her sister
would call me. Unfortunately UPS returned the package before
the sister called.
<jtripp> So, I reshipped the package out to the correct
address but there were UPS fees for returning and resending
the package. When I phoned to tell the customer here is what
she said to me...
<jtripp> "I'll never shop online again, this is too much of a
hassle. I had NO IDEA the right address would be so
important."
<jtripp> What!?!?!?

<keepingcharlie> i had lots of sex when i was under 18., man i
miss those days. i wish i would have realized what i had, when
i had it.
<rabbiwanna> You probably still have it.
<rabbiwanna> Get tested.

//
// Dear maintainer:
//
// Once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine,
// and have realized what a terrible mistake that was,
// please increment the following counter as a warning
// to the next guy:
//
// total_hours_wasted_here = 25
//

<DigDug> ....
<ogw-iii> ...
<Denshuu> ..
<silicon> all excellent points

<tennisgh22> i was watching this porn and the girl keeps
goinng "see!!! see?!!!! seeeee?!!!!"
<tennisgh22> and i was like wtf see what?
<tennisgh22> but then i realized
<tennisgh22> it was in spanish :(

<Fyad> When I bought siemens cellphone, siemens sold its
cellular section. When I bought yakumo screen, yakumo got
bunkrupt. When I bought fujitsu-siemens laptop, siemens sold
its share.
<Fyad> Just curious what to buy next...
<r_heart> apple
<hoobsta> Apple
<sailo> apple

<RetardedMonkey> How would you pronounce this child's name?
<RetardedMonkey> She spells her name..... "Le-a"
<RetardedMonkey> This child attends a school in Livingston
Parish, LA..
<RetardedMonkey> Her mother is irate because everyone is
getting her name wrong.
<RetardedMonkey> She says it's pronounced.................
<RetardedMonkey> "Ledasha"
<RetardedMonkey> When the Mother was asked how in the world
did she figured it should be pronounced that way....... she
said....
<RetardedMonkey> ..."cause the dash don't be silent!"
<RetardedMonkey> English language is gone forever

<Bonz> Light bulbs are not actually "light bulbs" but dark
absorbers. When you turn them on, they suck the dark out of
the room. You can prove this by holding your hand under a
"light bulb". The dark will stack up under your hand where its
path to the absorber is blocked by your hand. When they quit
working and turn a dark color, it's not because they burnt
out, it's because they're full.

<MindSpark> So the officer stops me and asks for my license
and registration
<MindSpark> After handing them to him , he asks who the car
belongs to
<MindSpark> I tell him it's my wifes
<MindSpark> He asks if I have an authorization, because you
have to have some proof that you're allowed to ride a car
that's not yours
<MindSpark> I go "Sir, I ride the OWNER of this car personally
with no authorization, do you really expect me to have an
authorization to ride her car ?"
<MindSpark> Officer hands me back the papers in silence and
salutes me

troupe: oh shit, i just heard a car crash outside
cyateon: oh shit
cyateon: go loot the corpses before they respawn

<EM[mMF]> man
<EM[mMF]> unix manuals would be so much cooler
<EM[mMF]> if they had porn in them
<EM[mMF]> like "Basics of the Bash Shell"
<EM[mMF]> <LESBIAN PORN>
<EM[mMF]> i'd read that shit

<Zach> Is your Dad home?
<videogameaholic> yep
<Zach> You get any hot chicks on the internet yet?
<videogameaholic> wtf?  There aren't any chicks on the
internet.
<Zach> You gotta do what I do.  I get onto one of them lesbian
chatrooms and pretend to be a 19 year old girl.
<videogameaholic> I bet the other 60 "horny lesbians" in that
room think they are just as clever as you.
<Zach> no no no, they're really women, they send me naked
pictures
<videogameaholic> What do you do when they ask for yours?
<Zach> I send them a pic of a 19 year old girl.
<videogameaholic> ...
<Zach> No seriously, they're all lesbians.
<videogameaholic> If you say so...
<Zach> damn straight.
<videogameaholic> I'm sure you are.

<casmill2> I swear to god i must be the only true optimist
left on the planet.

Geekie: This chick was yelling at me when I was eating chicken
nuggets at mcdonalds today.
Geekie: Like 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO THOSE
ANIMAAAAAALS?!?'
Geekie: and this guy behind me goes 'Shut the fuck up, I'm
trying to eat my puppy-burger.
Ashleh: What did she do?
Geekie: she stfu. and cried.

Tetramaster3k: Omg.
Tetramaster3k: My mom was just outside my room, and she saw me
chewing on the chords to my headphones
Tetramaster3k: She goes
Tetramaster3k: "If you keep doing that, you'll reach wire and
electrocute yourself"
Tetramaster3k: So I stopped
Tetramaster3k: Then she goes
Tetramaster3k: "I didn't tell you to stop"

<Supra87T> aw, for shits sake!
<Snipa> what?
<Supra87T> remember sarah? well, the other night we fucked,
and now i have to get tested for aids.
<Snipa> Think positive
<Supra87T> fuck you man, thats not even funny

<nntndgrl> wanna cyber?
<nntndgrl> what do you have on right now?
<ghalath> Umm.. MSN, mIRC and Winamp, why?

<zerco> we should have our own quote on bash
<Phaet> dude it's easy
<Phaet> every quote which contains a word "masturbation" gets
accepted
<Phaet> see? we're on bash already :)
<zerco> hi mom!

<Numi> I was having trouble getting screen dumps in unix so I
went into #unix and said
<Numi> "Does anyone know how to do a screen dump in unix?"
<Numi> 5 minutes and no reply, so I modify it a bit
<Numi> "Two hot girls are stripping on webcam for me, how do i
take a picture to show you guys?"
<Numi> 13 offers of assistance within 2 minutes. Brilliant.

DerANgeD: not cool! ctrl+w closes firefox 
DerANgeD: I was trying to press shift+w and accidentally hit
my ctrl button 
Triumph: whats shift+w?
DerANgeD: a capital W dumbass

<nJess> God that stings like a motherfuck
<nJess> I just picked up my airsoft
*** Kederaji has joined channel #C&T
<nJess> And it discharged, into my face.
<nJess> At a range of about a foot and a half.
<Kederaji> O_o
<Kederaji> I always walk in at bad times.

<RobbiePaul> i really wish the redneck neighbors that moved in
next door would feed their children anti-freeze
<Nichole> slip it into some popcicles and serve
<RobbiePaul> "anti" freeze...

TriPod11: bush ain't THAT bad...he kinda knows what he's doin
idaredbeet08: Please, Monica Lewenski had more President in
her than George Bush ever will.

<jax> I think the thing I've been most ashamed of doing with
my penis
<jax> was trying to see if I could register it as a
fingerprint on my laptops fingerprint scanner
<jax> JUST so I could login with a penis print
<jax> it didn't work :(

< Codegen> one day my gf and I were watching TV, when the news
reports came on talking about how there were suicide bombers
in london, and how they destroyed the transit system. The news
reporters said that these bombing were similar to the previous
suicide bombings from a week before. Then my gf turns to me
and asks, "Do you think that they are the same suicide
bombers?"

<Fjoder> I hate when ppl say they gonna call and then they
dont
<Harvard> You sound like a girl.
<Fjoder> I am a girl
<Harvard> That explains it.

DinjackPD: there was this once, like three years ago, I forgot
this big project I had to turn in when I went to school
DinjackPD: so I called home to my dad (he works out of a home
office) and asked him to bring it for me
DinjackPD: so he came to school with it and he came up to me
and shook my hand and said "Hi there, I'm David, I'm your
personal secretary."
DinjackPD: And I said "Hi there, I'm your son, you signed on
for this shit when you didn't wear a condom."
DinjackPD: I thought it was funnier than he did

<&||bass> GODDAMNIT
<&||bass> i'm searching for how to do something in java
<&||bass> i just checked in google
<&||bass> you know what the results are?
<&||bass> me posting in various forms asking how to fucking do
it

MasterKayin: Dude, those Kamakazi pilots in WW2 were crazy...
MasterKayin: If they threw me in a plane and told me to go
crash into something
MasterKayin: I'd just take off and go somewhere else
MasterKayin: Like on vacation or something along those lines
MasterKayin: I'd go to Hawaii
MasterKayin: Er... wait...

<billyblacktop> yo yo yo, sup my niggas?
<jimmy2toes>  your not black
<billyblacktop>  how do you know that?
<jimmy2toes>  I hacked your webcam, and now I can see you
<billyblacktop>  yeah right you cant do that
<jimmy2toes> I can and I did.
<billyblacktop>  ok then what color hair do I have
<jimmy2toes> Hmmm, let me zoom in a bit. Blonde, and you are
white, about 6' 2", your room has an emenim poster and your
bedspread is yellow and blue.
<billyblacktop>  holy fuck man im telling the cops
Quits: {billyblacktop} (billyb@235.253.473.232) (Quit:)
<jimmy2toes>  LMAO, that was a friend of mine, I just set up
his comp today, and showed him mirc, he doesnt know my nick,
what a fat tool!!!
<nellcarterlookalike>  A fat tool indeed.

<TunnelArmr> Cool! I finally found the Womrs 2 demo
<TunnelArmr> I mean Womrs 2
<TunnelArmr> I mean Wrms 2
<TunnelArmr> Worm 2 even
<TunnelArmr> GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!
<ThePython> having trouble saying wrmos Tunnel?
<ThePython> i mean wmros
<ThePython> i mean mrwos
<ThePython> GOD DAMNIT!

<RustySpoon> Hahaha... I just came back from Phlanges
girlfriend.
<Phloam> Wtf were you doing there? ffs man have some respect
<RustySpoon> Let\'s just say she was glad to see me
* Phlange is now afk
<RustySpoon> fuck when did he log on?

[17:05] *** D1 sets mode: +o C-Rock
<D1> oh wait, I was trying to kick you.

Declan: I dunno...I love her, but this new years is going to
be uber depressing
grencez: her friends are much lamer than both of you combined
Declan: The thought of her getting high at a party where
everyone is drunk while I sit at home and code Perl or
something is kind of too much to bear
CyanFlux: maybe try coding something in c

<Jace> god this computer is running like a dog
<h0ax> Jace unless it is a lame dog or missing several limbs,
dogs usually run pretty fast
<h0ax> I wouldnt want to race one
<Jace> god this computer is running like an elepant
<Jace> hope they run slow
<h0ax> memory is working well then?
<mole-inc> elephants are pretty fast
<ReKTeK> they can run faster than humans :P
<h0ax> why dont you say a turtle or something
<h0ax> turtles are KNOWN for being slow
<Jace> god this computer is running like a TURTLE FINE HA
<h0ax> but then.. it did beat the hare..
<Jace> god this computer is running like a hare
<h0ax> no, they're fast, usually. except against turtles.
<mole-inc> god this computer is running like a crippled ant.
<Jace> god this computer is running like a turtle unless
competing against a hare in which case the computer is running
like a hare
<h0ax> you know you could just say it's running slow.
<Jace> oh yeh
<Jace> could do that... i guess...

<pixistix> I like sending out messages in a bottle.
<pixistix> But I'm creative.
<pixistix> "I have been shipwrecked at sea, while bringing an
important message."
<pixistix> "Do not, under any circumstances, allow President
Kennedy to go to Dallas"

[Buck_Satan] take the amount of pussy you've gotten, times
that by three and that should be a rough estimate of how much
I've gotten
[Buck_Satan] fag
[Baron von Mannsechs] 0 x 3 = 0, Buck

<blotch> heres a cool office trick
<blotch> unscrew the speaker part of your coworkers phone and
throw in a roll of quarters and seal it back up
<blotch> then after about 2 months of them being used to the
weight remove the coins when they're away
<blotch> and watch them lift the phone the next time someone
calls and bash themselves in the face

<Nydus> hey whatsup
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> ok...
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> dude whats wrong with you
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> i just wanna talk
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> you know, a rumor is going around that you are...
<Zoom> GAY
<Zoom> CRAP

<PhoenixBourne> Ok, so a friend of mine had an AWESOME idea at
school
<PhoenixBourne> You know rohyphonol? (whatever the spelling
is)
<linforcer> Is he gontna make a trebuchet
<linforcer> no
<PhoenixBourne> You know date rape drugs?
<linforcer> Sure
<PhoenixBourne> Right, rhyphonol is one of these. It knocks
you asleep after an hour or two.
<PhoenixBourne> I should also mention, a side affect of
rhyphonol is amnesia of events whilst under influence of the
drug.
<PhoenixBourne> Now, a friend of mine had this idea:
1) Prepare ingredients
2) Take rhyphonol
3) Bake cake
4) Fall asleep
5) ??????
6) Wake up
7) CAKE?! CAKE! Where did this come from?!
<linforcer> SURPRISE CAKE!!!!!!

* EtherMan slashes MadHatter with the jagged edge of a PS2
polygon

<RvLeshrac> <Terrorists> Shit, maybe we shouldn't take
hostages from countries whose people are more insane than us.
<RvLeshrac> <China> You give back hostages, or we kill all
muslim.
<NegaDuk> i think if they piss off china too much, they'll
find that china, the US, and britain will turn the middle east
into a big walmart parking lot
<RvLeshrac> <China> We use nuke. What we care you nuke us? We
have billion more people.
<NegaDuk> <China> nuke beijing. we tried sars. it no work
<RvLeshrac> <China> We stop birth restriction, we make billion
more. Three day.
<NegaDuk> i think china's just being antisocial so someone
will thin their population
<RvLeshrac> Seriously.
<RvLeshrac> China's answer to anything should be "We stop
birth restrictions"
<RvLeshrac> <US> Stop flooding our markets with cheap goods,
or we stop selling you soybeans. <China> We stop birth
restriction! <US> Fuck. OK, OK! You can have the damned
soybeans!
<RvLeshrac> I bet that was the real reason Clinton gave them
our satellite codes.
<RvLeshrac> <China> You give us code, or we flood world with
chinese!
<RvLeshrac> <China> All your shirt shrink up like penis in
arctic.
<NightStar> damn those bad chinese laundry places
<RvLeshrac> <China> You never get decent haircut. You explain
to women why no manicure.
<RvLeshrac> <China> We own you like Hong Kong.

<Greek69> lol grow up asshole
<TwoPairSux> You have "69" at the end of your name and you're
talking to me about maturity?
<Greek69> Do you even know what 69 means you fag?
<TwoPairSux> You have "Greek" in your name and you're calling
me a fag?

<SirCourage> So anyways, I knew at 1:30 am this morning that
my english paper would not be finished, so I opened up
mirc.exe in notepad, saved it as a .txt, emailed it to my
school email and told them that their email server must have
ruined my paper. I got an A-  :D

(mistersandman) aw pee
(mistersandman) they require you to register it on the
internet
(X_Stickman) well with your 100% perfectly legal copy i'm sure
you have no objections
(mistersandman) oh of course not i just.. dont have an
internet connection

<Esk|out> If You're Happy And You Know It - Bomb Iraq
<Esk|out> If you cannot find Osama,bomb Iraq.
<Esk|out> If the terrorists are frisky,
<Esk|out> Pakistan is looking shifty,
<Esk|out> North Korea is too risky,
<Esk|out> Bomb Iraq.

DominationForce: omfg
DominationForce: I'm sitting on a greyhound bus today on my
way back to college
DominationForce: and this girl spends 2 fucking hours on her
cellphone whining to her boyfriend that her cellphone bill is
huge
DominationForce: and then she calls her mom and whines some
more

<Sam>: So, that £5 gorgeous sketchbook I bought today? I sit
down to do the first page thinking "Oh wow, this is gonna be
awesome - I'm gonna fill it with great drawings and keep it
forever" and all that shit.
<Sam>: Open the book, thick black ink pen in hand and say
"Right, what shall I put on the first page?... Hm, a nice
"SKETCHBOOK" with doodles around will do while I wait for
inspiration"
<Sam>: I get to "SKETH" and realise I've missed out a C
<Sam>: My heart stops - my lip trembles... Do I rip out the
page? No! I'll improvise - I'll turn that C into a H with
stripes! Yeah, that works.
<Sam>: Okay, now I can carry on
<Sam>: I finish writing it and have a look at my handiwork
<Sam>: and then I see it
<Sam>: "SKETCBOOK"
<Sam>: Fuck

<Brenty> You know, I think the media really fucked up when
they called it "software piracy"
<Brenty> Everyone WANTS to be a pirate
<Brenty> If they'd called it "software faggotry" everyone
would still buy all their shit

<Samwise> And if not for a beard, what can you stroke while
thinking?
<jacquilyn> Depends what you're thinking about.

<chiby> base? is that another word for acid?
<spriggan> wtf, when's your chemistry exam?
<chiby> tomorrow
<spriggan> hahahahaha, oh man, you're screwed

<skycreatoR> hehe awesome
<skycreatoR> today at my job (i work in a cinema) we had the
premiere on shrek 2
<skycreatoR> and because of the ocation, green popcorn
<skycreatoR> then some little girl came over to my booth and
asked why the popcorns were green
<skycreatoR> i said it was because we put mashed shrek down in
the popcorn machine
<skycreatoR> then she began crying and ran away

<Kazak> man I am bored, Im gonna try some weird shit
<Nash> uh oh
<Kazak> HOLY FUCKING BLOODY HELL!
<Nash> ?!
<Kazak> I PUT A STAPLE THROUGH MY DICK!
<Nash> HOLY SHIT!
<Nash> You really are a crazy bastard!
*Killer_jeep has joined the conversation.
<Kazak> good fucking hell this hurts LIKE HELL
<Killer_jeep> What?
<Nash> he put a staple thru his dick
<Killer_jeep> DEAR GOD
*Killer_jeep has left the conversation.
<Kazak> shit now I have to piss! Brb
<Nash> this can&#8217;t be good
<Kazak> BITCH ASS MOTHER FUCK!
<Nash> what happened!
*Darkness has joined the conversation.
<Kazak> the piss flew out of the staple holes
<Darkness> WTF!?
*Darkness has left the conversation.
<Kazak> I had to straddle the toilet to get it in!
<Nash> are you gonna go to the ER?
<Kazak> are you crazy? no fucking way
<Nash> well try pulling it out
<Kazak> I can&#8217;t it hurts like hell if I try!
<Nash> well it has to come out sooner or later.
<Nash> better off sooner, before anyone sees you.
<Kazak> GODDAM THIS HURTS
<Nash> its your own fault, you know.
<Kazak> shutup! augh this hurts!!!
<Kazak> GRGGRFFFFDJH~!!11
*Aaron has joined the conversation
<Aaron> whats up guys?
<Nash> The crazy bastard put a staple through his dick
<Aaron> FUCKING HELL
*Aaron has left the conversation.
<Kazak> THANK GOD!!! I got it out!!!
<Nash> right&#8230;what about the holes?
<Kazak> uhh&#8230;
*Malaina has joined the conversation.
<Kazak> I&#8217;ll have to cover my dick with band-aids.
<Malaina> what the hell are you talking about?
<Kazak> oh shit. Nash, don&#8217;t!!!!
<Nash> your boyfriend put a staple through his dick
<Malaina> FUCKING HELL YOU SICK BASTARD!
*Malaina has left the conversation.

<Aoi-chan> everyone's first vi session. ^C^C^X^X^X^XquitqQ!
qdammit[esc]qwertyuiopasdfghjkl;:xwhat

<neott> stop();
<WorkLord> hammertime();

<Rainman> god, my head is killing me, must be the maths
classes
<Darkduck> you should drink up an aspirine with some vodka and
smoke some weed
<Darkduck> that'll definetly take care of it ;)
<Rainman> dude I'm still at school
<Rainman> where the fuck would I get any aspirine ? :o)

<amz> I thought that you had been an atheist since forever
<Batou> My Dad is massively religious.
<TheShadowZero> your mother is massively multiplayer, though

<|scar> Girlfriend pregnant error, [A]bort, [M]arry, [I]gnore
?

Crevan Hill says: I used the phrase "tight as a twelve year
old" today...
Crevan Hill says: In the middle of class, when talking about
how tight you should roll newspapers around dowels
Crevan Hill says: .....the teacher said ladies were present,
and I apologized, with the qualifier that "I didn't
necessarily mean girls..."

<Ingo>I can't uninstall it, there seems to be some kind of
"Uninstall Shield"

<AnonymousPosterChild> oh god
<AnonymousPosterChild> I just messaged a chick on okcupid
saying how I thought she was kinda hot AND SHES 13
<AnonymousPosterChild> oh god
<AnonymousPosterChild> Shes 13 AND she thinks shes a lesbian
<AnonymousPosterChild> this is the least appropriate erection
EVER

WormyWyrm: I don't think half as many people would pirate
games and movies
WormyWyrm: if they didn't give it such a cool name
thelandofsiam: Yea, nobody would do it if it was called
Illicit Data Transmition
WormyWyrm: exactly
WormyWyrm: noone would talk about it at all, too hard to spell
thelandofsiam: ARRR IM A SOFTWARE PIRATE
WormyWyrm: Gimmie yer booty and new versions of half life
thelandofsiam: Yarrr
WormyWyrm: YAR!
thelandofsiam: I must restart my ship
thelandofsiam: brb

<EventHorizon> is it just me or does our prof wear sweaters
alot?
<swtaarrs> that's a sweatshirt
<EventHorizon> yeah
<EventHorizon> i think sweatshirt extends sweater though
<EventHorizon> so its still an instance
<DroolingSheep> no it doesn't sweaters suck
<swtaarrs> you're an instance of stupid
<EventHorizon> ur an instance of ur mom
<ChixLoveUnix> I implemented your mom last night.
<EventHorizon> i extended ur mom so bad she threw an exception
<EventHorizon> or something
<swtaarrs> if your mom were a collection class, her insert
method would be public

<Leaf-> Gran Turismo is hard
<Mootar> quit callin me gran turismo

<+aeonite> is there any diet plan that does not involve
fucking cottage cheese?
<@LordCrank> some of them involve eating it instead

CDSBIGSBY: at work, on the like, 'keyboard' for the cash
registers, there are two buttons that don't do anything
CDSBIGSBY: and it's like, the button, a little slip of paper
that says what the button does, and a plastic cover that holds
the paper in
CDSBIGSBY: and this dude at work figured that out, 'cause he
popped the plastic cover off
CDSBIGSBY: and so we made labels for the two 'empty' buttons
on the registers we were on that day
CDSBIGSBY: he didn't utilize the full potential of the
opportunity though, as one of his buttons is a happy face and
the other a sad face
CDSBIGSBY: but i feel i did mine justice.
CDSBIGSBY: Lane 14 at Meijer's has a Self-Destruct button and
a Bat Signal button.

Seijurro1234: IM NOT ON AOL .. IM ON AMERICA ONLINE
Seijurro1234: RETARD

<remial> gah...
<remial> I was visiting my college roommate earlier today...
<remial> his ex-GF and his daughter were there...
<remial> they were in the other room watching cartoons or
something...
<remial> and my friend asked me how my life was going, and I
told him that things wre OK but it felt like there was some
sort of consperacy to keep me from getting laid...
<remial> his ex GF immediatly calls someone on her Cel phone
and says "He knows"

* andy Quit (Quit: Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to
minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products
expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey
Algorithm.)

cag  URL  tara: When I was in high school, the school board
decided that the biology students had to pay for the fetal
pigs that were being dissected. After the course was done, my
friend Amy demanded that she be allowed to take the pig, since
she had paid for it. There was some WTF from the school, but
she got her pig. That weekend, she and her brother dressed the
pig up in some baby clothes and a blanket, drove down the
street and lit a smoke bomb in the car. They were passing a
couple walking down the street when Amy leaned out of the car
and yelled "Save my baby" and tossed the pig at the couple.
They were doing about 50 mph so she missed the couple. The
baby/pig hit the sidewalk, skidded along the concrete,
shedding parts and limbs before it impacted a mailbox.
She said she had never seen such a horrified look in her life.

garrett8675309: heard you threatened to shoot my girlfriend...
imptacular: yeah
garrett8675309: you should get your membership card in 7-10
days

[Oni] FUCK!
[Oni] I'm just about out of black ink
[Krypton] printer?
[Oni] No, the type I disperse to run from predators.

<SimonJester> What is JFGI anyway?
<SimonJester> Never mind... googled it...

<oliciv> Roses are red,
<oliciv> violets are blue,
<oliciv> badger badger badger,
<oliciv> badger badger mushroom

<KK> Anyone here speak Spanish?
<ste> i do
<KK> Shut up.  You can't even speak English.
<ste> thats cuz i spanish

<ronald_jeremy> haha, im taking this ethics certificatino
thing online...they have the answers in the source code

KabeDerlin05: Bring it on. I have a level 19 Weapon Master
that can kick your ass
KradenTalcaria: ...
KradenTalcaria: brb
KabeDerlin05: Yeah that's right! Run Away! Just like your
mother did when she saw my huge dick!
Auto response from KradenTalcaria: Mom's using the computer.
Be back in a few.

<NESS> sup
<blanco> how about you greet me like a white man?
<NESS> sorry
<NESS> HEIL DEUTCHLAND

<+shiachan> i am having the worse day for the past 3 years
<+shiachan> someone console me :/
* Edible hits shiachan with a gamecube.

<@Wally> stupid muslims promise virgins
<@Wally> if they promised lightsabers I'd be on my way to
mecca
<@Wally> I can hang out with virgins on IRC

<@J^raxis> Some people have some weird fetishes. Which is
fine. Then they take photos of them, which is not.

Blood Reaper:  on a scale of 1 to 10
Blood Reaper:  how old do you think michael jackson's
boyfriend is?

NeoNess: My cell phone rang in the church and everyone looked
at me.
I answered it and someone told me to turn it off.
I told them it was god and he was furiously angered at them,
and he would smite them with his holy fist.
I proceeded to scream "Repent!" at the top of my voice.
long story short, I dont have to go to church anymore

<zamros> haha yeah being a plumber would be fucking awesome
actually
<zamros> like if i had my own fuckin' company
<zamros> with a van and shit
<zamros> like i'd go in to a plumbing business with a friend
<zamros> cuz like when you got two motherfuckers putting the
time and money in
<zamros> you can buy a van
<zamros> you can buy fuckin tools
<zamros> you can buy advertising and shit
<zamros> haha i'd have the funniest fucking public access
commercials for my plumbing business
<zamros> like some dude would be taking a shit
<zamros> and he'd jiggle the handle
<zamros> and he'd be like ".....FUCK!"
<zamros> then he falls over on the toilet and grabs the phone
<zamros> and calls me
<zamros> and he's like "HELLPP!!!"
<zamros> then i bust through the fucking wall
<zamros> and fucking beat the shit out of a big monster in the
toilet1
<zamros> with a plunger
<zamros> and the dude is laying in his own shit on the floor
<zamros> with the phone in his hand
<zamros> and after i won the fight he'd be like "THANK YOU
ZAMROS INC"
<zamros> and he'd hug me and i'd get shit all over me
<zamros> and i'd be like "ALL IN A DAY'S WORK"
<zamros> and then bust through the other wall

<benja> A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only
question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about
solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
<benja> The survey was a huge failure...
<benja> In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
<benja> In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest"
meant.
<benja> In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage"
meant.
<benja> In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
<benja> In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution"
meant.
<benja> In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
<benja> And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the
world" meant

<shane> there is a special place in hell, down the hall from
hitler, for real player

<Cheshire> I can't afford those plastic things to cover the
electric sockets so I just draw bunny faces on the electric
outlets to scare the kids away from them...
<RLtim> Newsflash! Kids aren't afraid of bunnies.
<Cheshire> Oh they will be...

<Jake> so I got dissed by this girl i was talking to online
<Jake> we were getting along really well and she wanted to
meet
<Jake> but she wanted a picture
<Jake> so I sent her one (got one of hers, she was fine)
<Jake> she said "I'm really looking for some one more
'athletic'"
<Jake> bummer
<Jake> so i say
<Jake> well im trying hard, ever since i have been able to
afford the full time trainer and chef I've lost over 200 lbs
<Jake> she says you can afford a trainer/chef
<Jake> i say yeah
<Jake> she changes her mind about meeting
<Jake> i tell her to go fuck herself

<Tscully> Gimme a C!
<Lich> C!
<MikeB> C
<A_Flayer> C!!
<Tscully> Gimme a H!
<Lich> H!
<MikeB> H
<A_Flayer> H!
<Tscully> Gimme a EESE!
<Lich> EESE...
<MikeB> EESE!
<A_Flayer> EESE
<Tscully> Gimme a CAKE!
<Lich> CAKE!
<MikeB> CAKE
<A_Flayer> CAKE!!
*Tscully runs off with the three cakes
<Tscully> Suckers.

<neo_alex> my maths teacher who looks like gandalf set us a
fucking hard half yearly exam
<neo_alex> i was just expecting him to go "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
"

Trikkz R 4 Kidz: YO
Trikkz R 4 Kidz: WASSUP?
tetsu2051: presumably not your shift key

<@reflir> also, my harry potter sex bot arrived
<@reflir> err
<@reflir> I mean boxed set

<SomeGuy> God: "Hello Osama?"
<SomeGuy> Osama: "Yes God"
<SomeGuy> God: "Osama.. did you hear about the tsunami?"
<SomeGuy> Oasama: "Yes"
<SomeGuy> God "Beat that you prick.."

<rick> hey my bro called me up the other day asking for the
ops cd key
<rick> so im like, military style? bc its such a pain to
understand the letters over the phone
<rick> so hes like "whatever sure"
<rick> so im sitting there for like 10 minutes saying "
kit-cat-kit-cat-9 = venus-bounce-bounce-bouce-dog =
girl-girl-phone-girl-daddy ..." so thats going on for a while
and hes repeating it back to me and im repeating it back to
him for like 5 times.
<rick> so finally i hang up the phone and spin around in my
chair and my grandpa is standing in the doorway totally dazed,
and hes like "i'll never understand you young kids."

<[UA]lavalamp> I was playing chutes and ladders with my
4-year-old son...when he won, he jumped up, pointed at me, and
shouted "pwned!"

<knightmare> _______ ___._._._
<GTEK> ?
<knightmare> /s_r__r 12_._._.1
<GTEK> dam i kno this
<knightmare> /ser_er 127._._.1
* Quits: GTEK (Quit)
* Quits: xfiles (Quit)
* Quits: Evolution (Quit)

Ron34: Why havent you been in school?
Joe: because its summer vacation?
Ron34:  its sept 13
Ron34: school started the 5th
Joe: WTF
Joe: ITS SEPTEMBER?

<MARSHALL> CAN YOU SPEAK IN BM
<Nikari> wtf is bm?
<MARSHALL> BM MEANS BAHASA MALAYSIA
<Nikari> Does everyone yell in Malasyia?
<MARSHALL> ARE YOU GIRL OR MAN
<Nikari> a very girly man. you?
<MARSHALL> YOU FIRST
<Nikari> ... that would make you a girl, then
<MARSHALL> I AM MAN
<Nikari> HEAR ME ROAR
<MARSHALL> WHAT YOU MENAS
<Nikari> It's an american joke. Do you have jokes in malaysia?
<MARSHALL> YES.IN MALAYSIA HAVE MANY JOKE.
<MARSHALL> ARE YOU WANT CAME TO MALAYSIA
<Nikari> Are you offering hot malaysian sex?
<MARSHALL> WHAT YOU MEANS
<Nikari> Well, when a man and woman love each other very much,
he sticks his woo woo into her waa waa. And in very special
circumstances, if two men love each other very much, he will
stick his woo woo into the other guy's uh oh.
<MARSHALL> I CANOT LOVE NOW.I STILL STUDY
<Nikari> They're always time for love!
<MARSHALL> ARE YOU STILL STUDY?
<Nikari> When I'm not love.

<Ben> I love the internet.
<@Reb> ...
<Ben> You can ask your girl friends about their problems
<Ben> Play xbox for 20 minutes
<Ben> Come back, say "Yeah you're right..."
<Ben> Then go play some more xbox.
<@Reb> ...You son of a bitch that was me!
<Ben> REBECCA?
*** Reb sets mode: +b Ben*!*@*.*
*** Ben has been kicked by Reb (Asshole)

<paRaLyX> what's long, hard and fucked two girls from my
science class last week?
<Slax0r> omg...
<qwog> you didn't!
<paRaLyX> the mid-term physics exam :(

<_Riddler_> i was in the grocery store today
<_Riddler_> and I got this boner
<_Riddler_> I dunno
<_Riddler_> Maybe it was the melons
<IceWizard> Riddler: YOU SAW THE CARROTS

(SiNs-) $1,599.99
(SiNs-) $1,599.70
(SiNs-) Save $0.29
(SiNs-) wow
(SiNs-) if i go to bestbuy, i can buy a computer AND a peanut

culturejammer: you know what pennies are AWESOME for?
culturejammer: throwing at cats
culturejammer: it only costs a single penny
culturejammer: and they'll either chase it, or get hit by it
and look pissed off
culturejammer: i now use that system to value prices of things
culturejammer: for example, a thirty dollar game has to be at
least as awesome as three thousand catpennies

<anial8r> you know what? KFC is ONE letter yes ONE letter away
from fuck.
<anial8r> i have just thought of their next motto
<anial8r> KFC! the only thing missing is U!

[testic] Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his
lifetime: 7,200
[sg1138_] 7200 seems pretty high
[testic] I think that includes wanking and wet dreams
[sg1138_] 7200 seems pretty low

LiQuIDsCyThE1: Like the Mallard Duck and Peacock, the wigger
male will go to great lengths to secure a mate. This young
wigger, for instance, has donned a vibrant all pink outfit to
ensure success during the mating season. In this case, the
flamboyant color scheme serves the dual purpose of both
helping him get noticed by females in heat and distracting
other males who will be too busy beating his ass to steal any
of his mates. A borderline suicidal strategy, but successful
nonetheless.
ElPikachupacabra: who the hell are you, and what the hell was
that

<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> holy
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> fucking
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> what?
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> dudes
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> if any of you have rats in the house
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> WASH YOUR FUCKING WANK RAGS REGULARLY
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> ...
<[dSx]awpMAN> wtf?
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> you're kidding, right?
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> dude
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> i am fucking serious
<[dSx]awpMAN> not all of us have wank rags, dumbass
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> so i had this wank rag i forgot about and
left in a corner of the room under some shit right
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> i find it today and it has FUCKING HOLES IN
IT RIGHT AT THE STAINS
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> and there's RAT SHIT ALL OVER IT
<[dSx]tiMeCop> HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
<[dSx]awpMAN> idiot, hahahahahahahaha
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> fuck
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> i'm going to have trouble sleeping now that i
know that SOME FUCKING RAT IN MY HOUSE ATE MY SEMEN
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> dude
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> yea
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> i love you
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> i really do
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> but it would be a crime not to submit this to
bash
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> NO WAIT FUCK

<SaintAlvus> Does the name Doctor Pavlov ring a bell?

<tadpoleofdeath> Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween
and Christmas?
<elfking> why?
<tadpoleofdeath> Because Oct 31 is Dec 25

<Cross> Oh, wow. Old school papers.
<Cross> This one was on 'alternative energy sources'. This is
from near the end, when I was really too tired to be writing:
<Cross> "Wind energy is a method of collecting power from the
blowing of the wind. Not only is this a clean and renewable
energy source, but it can actually displace excess Carbon
Dioxide in an area. Problems behind wind energy also exist. It
is not available in many areas, and requires a lot of money to
build. The wind turbines can also interfere with television
and radio signals and cause noise pollution. Also, birds can
fly into the rotors."
<Cross> "Then they have to send the janitor Steve out to clean
the thing, and it just ruins his day. Then he goes home and
beats his kids. So if you support wind energy, you support
domestic violence."
<Cross> That's when you know you're tired.
<Herring> That is awesome.

<Dyl4N>a mosquito landed on my screen and i went to right
click on it and close it...
<Dyl4N>then i realized i should get out more
<Jesse>send me a screen shot
<Jesse>wait

Safia: your just sittin there watching me?
Sean: No I have creepy music playing too

<Nubbers> Is there any listing of the criteria for a bash
quote, anyway? Or should I just make a joke combining
masturbation, child pornography, racism, and dungeons and
dragons...
<Edible> If it has "bash.org" or "nigger" in it, it'll get
in.  Watch.
<Edible> Hey, so nigger I nigger with nigger to nigger
bash.org nigger bash.org bash.org nigger nigger nigger.

Ar0uNd » Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his
whole life, which
Ar0uNd » created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He
also ate very little,
Ar0uNd » which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he
suffered from very bad
Ar0uNd » breath. This made him.... what?
Ar0uNd » (This is so bad it's good...) --a super-callused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

<forceflow> hah, there are two quotes on bash rated 1337
<forceflow> that's awesome
<ItlnStaln> You're going to be a virgin for life, you know
that?

<Alucard> is the reason r2-d2 beeps so much because someone
fucked up the alsa drivers?

<macks> YEAH DUDE I'M SO GANGSTA I HOLD MY LAPTOP SIDEWAYS
WHEN I POST FLAMES

Rude: wicked story tho..this morning i'm sitting at the mc
donalds i normally do having coffee and such, and this
middle-aged fat guy who always comes in around the same time i
do walks in
Rude: (and this guy's a fucking dick, I hate him just from
hearing him talk to the kids working)
Rude: so he orders his meal, and when they put it all on the
tray, he puts the back of his hand right into the fries and
practically explodes.. "THESE FRIES ARE COLD, THEYRE ALWAYS
FUCKING COLD WHEN YOU SERVE THEM, I WANT FRESH ONES"
Rude: so they apologize, take the fries away and after a few
minutes I see them put some more fries on his tray...dumbass
puts his hand right into it again, but these fries were RIGHT
out of the frier, and the stupid fuck completely burns the
back of his hand and shrieks like a fucking girl
Rude: I laughed so fucking hard at him, and he turns to me
cradling his raw hand and yells WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING
AT KID
Rude: at this point i'm laughing so hard i can only point at
his hand and keep laughing
Rude: dipshit storms out and the kids working even gave me his
fucking food

(Teg[WTW]) Some girl left her yearbook lying around, so I
decided to sign it.
(Teg[WTW]) I wrote "Megan - Even though I never met you, I've
had some good times over the years watching you from that tree
in your backyard. Stalkingly, Steve"

<Tizitchy> you know what sucks
<Tizitchy> I was staring at this girls ass in the mall while
waiting in line
<Tizitchy> she was by a trash can
<Tizitchy> and this guy was behind me
<Tizitchy> said "Get a good view?"
<Tizitchy> i was laughing and said "yeah"
<Tizitchy> he goes "That's my daughter"

<+Scott> I had my dreams crushed yesterday. It turns out the
newspaper headline "Village still looking for paedophile"
wasn't a vacancy.

<Christina> *kisses back* I love you
<Josh> I love you too babe
<Christina> I take off your pants, sliding my hands up your
thighs, watching your cock get hard.
<Christina> That's what he said to me
<Christina> I was like "Wtf dude? One, I'm a chick and two
what the hell?"
<Christina> And he was like "Oh shit, wrong conversation"
<Josh> ...
<Christina> Oh shit, wrong conversation

<Buck> the MPAA site has an interesting anti piracy blitz
going on for Christmas
<Buck> they say that they're protecting users from buying
pirated copies of films
<Buck> then they go on to say that you can recognize pirated
films by the fact that they're a lot cheaper, out before or
while films are still in theatres, are region free and contain
no DRM
<Buck> if I wouldn't have pirated before.. the MPAA sure has
convinced me to do it now

< Darien> I saw a coworker trying to figure out how to make
his chair lean back
< Darien> he was on the ground looking at the bottom of it
< Darien> we talk about the chairs for a minute or so
< Darien> then he puts on his headset, hits a button on his
phone, and says 'Sorry ma'am, thanks for holding.'

<+Quantsini> when i say the word "ramen" what words come to
mind?
* Ikari has joined #STNJ
<@[Polynomial]> instant
<ph4tkid> ninja
<+Zanshi> porn
<Ikari> instant ninja porn?!?! WHERE???!?!
<+Quantsini> ...

<kasierlord55> hi guyz how r u all doin???
<Blarrrg> Dear kasiserlord55,
<Blarrrg> Please stop raping me.
<Blarrrg> Love,
<Blarrrg> The English Language.

FecalAlcoholSyndrome> i love how they try to say that
homosexuality is a
leading cause of pedophilia
<angie> i think perverts are the leading cause of pedophilia
<h4ck> homosexuality is the leading cause of caring,
compassionate men
<sunrinse> sexy children are the leading cause of pedophilia

<MarkGobbin> ok think of some answerable but subjective
question
<Sergio> why?
<MarkGobbin> wow... i'm erecting a statue in your honour for
that

<rhyno> okay
<rhyno> I must be losing my mind
<rhyno> I just walked to the PJ station
<rhyno> because I can't find my car keys
<rhyno> and they were right fucking here an hour ago
<DaemonX> pj station?
<rhyno> yeah
<rhyno> gas station
<rhyno> but the thing was
<rhyno> I was going there to get gas
<DaemonX> without your car?
<rhyno> and I couldn't find my keys
<rhyno> so I just thought "I'll walk"
<rhyno> go all the way up there.. and I'm like "wtf was I
going here for.."
<rhyno> "OH YEAH! DUMBASS!"
<rhyno> then walked back
<DaemonX> ... i can't even comment on that

<Dr_DOS> My fish get scared of pizza boxes.
<Dr_DOS> They think they're giant borg ships or smth
<repp0r> Don't put an anchovie pizza near your fish.

Hekili_Manu: Ok. So I called my bank's fraud dept about that
hotels.com letter I got since I apparently used them twice
with two different cards. I forgot completely that when I
signed up you can assign your own security question online.
Hekili_Manu: So when I called and spoke to the guy they use
the same security question and he asked me "Ok, I just need to
verify one thing. How big is your c**k?"

<spinks> I'm pretty sure dad is reconsidering sending me to
drama classes
<maguiness> ?
<maguiness> explain
<spinks> well tonight i was home alone for most of the night.
Mum was with my little brothers in singleton, out to dinner
for my uncle's birthday
<spinks> my older brother is in gloucester for the next few
days
<spinks> and dad was at karate till about 8 and thus i had to
cook tea
<spinks> of course i get a brilliant theatrical idea in my
head just to make things a little awkward when dad comes home
<spinks> i cook some pretty basic fuckign stuff, 2 pies and
some 2 minute noodles
<spinks> but i garnish the fuck out of them with salads and
shit, and put them on the good china, got the good cutlery
out, wine glasses filled with red wine, the dinenr candles,
the nice place mats, all of it
<spinks> a nice romantic dinner
<spinks> dad got home and i lit the candles, got dressed in my
suit and tie, nice saphire-blue micro-fibre shirt, placed the
plates opposite one another and turned all the lights off
<spinks> I sat there waiting, folded my hands nicely and dad
walked through the door, blinked coz of the low light and just
stared at me
<spinks> then he just slowly walked to his room, where i'd
laid a trail of fake rose petals down the hallway to his room
<spinks> GOD i will never forget the look on his face

<Stryyp> im never stopping for small animals crossing the road
again
<Stryyp> i hit on the brakes and almost wrecked.
<Stryyp> the little bastard sits there and stares at me for a
minute, then continues to cross the road
<Stryyp> and out of nowhere a truck comes from the other
direction and pancakes the sucker

<jdigittl> i just filled out an online mortgage application to
test something. I just received a phone call from a mortgage
broker: "Hi, I'd like to speak with, um, Mr Testy McTest..."

(sadik): nothing gayer than 2guys and a chick
([sic]): well there's two guys and no chick
([sic]): that's pretty gay

<Hef> correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't holy water just water
that has a prayer said over it?
<Tribolthree> holy water is water blessed by a priest, nothing
special or added -_- technically he could bless the water
coming from a pipe
<Tribolthree> so like you could have a fountain of holy water
<Hef> the priest would probably get tired of the constant
blessing
<Hef> and run out of mana

<pritch> jeez
<pritch> sauron couldve got the one ring on ebay for £4.99
<pritch> oh wait
<pritch> excludes delivery to mordor
<fragglet> one does not simply deliver to mordor

castuslumen: whats the name of those hats that Green Berets
wear?
foranzan: are you being stupid on purpose?
castuslumen: what?
foranzan: you are officially the Rolls Royce of stupid.

<Hara> The old USSR had one single time zone too. They had a
hammer and sickle in the ground near the Kremlin and used it
like a sundial.
<Hara> Arguments raged for years as to what to call the
timezone
<Hara> Moscow Time?
<Hara> Comrade Time?
<Hara> In the end they all agreed.
<Hara> Hammer Time.

Laudanum: I think my ability to communicate has gone downhill.
kaltegeburt: I don't understand.

<ThatOneDude> the last time somone listened to a Bush, a bunch
of people wandered in the desert for 40 years

SouLTaKeR2023: I was on the phone with a friend
SouLTaKeR2023: and we happen to talk about foreskin
ARazorbladeGrin: amazing
SouLTaKeR2023: and my lil bro walks in
SouLTaKeR2023: and hes like
SouLTaKeR2023: "whats foreskin"?
SouLTaKeR2023: Im like
SouLTaKeR2023: "Its the skin on the forehead"
SouLTaKeR2023: I flicked him on the forehead so he would leave
SouLTaKeR2023: and now hes running around the house yelling
SouLTaKeR2023: "MAMA ALEX FLICKED MY FORESKIN"
ARazorbladeGrin: ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

<CompuMan> The tragedy of Canada is they could have had
British culture, French cooking, and American technology, but
instead they got American culture, British cooking, and French
technology.

<socket7> I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a
really sexy Thai girl. I thought to myself, "Please don't get
an erection, please don't get an erection.
<socket7> But she did :(

<ILLogik> i was having cybersex with this chick but she
wouldn't go all the way so i had to rape her

<dice> You're in Sydney?
<Scott> ahhh yea
<dice> Cool!
<dice> Whatcha doing there?
<Scott> grandmothers
<dice> Really? You stud! How many?

<raphael_sorel> So, where you from? ;)
<sweet_angel47> Chicago, Illinois. how bout u?
<raphael_sorel> Manila, Philippines. :D
<sweet_angel47> where is that? in like, Russia?
<raphael_sorel> No, it's in South East Asia.
<sweet_angel47> dude, i totally fail at geometry
<raphael_sorel> ...

<Erdage> WTF dude help me, i have lost my dick!!!
<DakuTenshi> What are you talking about?
<Erdage> help me daku, it's missing!
<DakuTenshi> Erdage... you are drunk right?
<Erdage> Err.. no...
<DakuTenshi> Yes you are
<Erdage> WTF??? How do you know?
<DakuTenshi> Erdage, you are a girl...

<cancerpass> ever watched the monty python show/movies?
<over-thurr> yeah he's a very funny guy!
<cancerpass> i'll take that as a no

<Goldmoon> its amazing what you can get with batting your
eyelashes and showing your tits.. lol
<n0nthing> raped?

[Turtle] hmm
[Turtle] ctfmon.exe
[Turtle] no jamacians capturing any flags on my computer that
i know of

<Phyxius> Hmm there are some black people hanging around
outside the gates at the end of my driveway, brb
<Courtney> mkay hb
<Phyxius> HOLY SHIT THEYRE GONE
<Courtney> The black people?
<Phyxius> NO, MY GATES

<popemichael> I was in line to buy a new DVD player. The woman
in front of me was having something delivered.
<popemichael> The clerk asked for her 'street name' she
replied "I don't have one I go by Shanice."

<Rach> when i get my old puter back i'll send you some songs
<Olly> What happened to it?
<Rach> i broke it
<Olly> On purpose? 
<Rach> i wouldnt say PURPOSE
<Rach> just stupidly
<Olly> Ahh
<Olly> So you do know exatly what's wrong with it?
<Rach> yeah, it's full of water

<ckx> i've got nothing against homos
<ckx> as long as they don't fuck me or touch me
<ckx> they're alright
<gb> what if they cum on you
<ckx> that's a grey area

<GaeMan> Chia: Be nice to CAgurl today.
<chirpet> I am always nice to CAgurl. I resent the
implication.
<chirpet> I am nice to everyone.
<chirpet> Always.
<chirpet> So shut up.
<chirpet> pigfucker.

[dcg] I love how someone links a picture of a woman with a
penis and it turns into a discussion about monitor resolution

<Spast> I'm going to be the next Hitler
<Spast> I'm going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<AssA> good, i hate clowns.
<Spast> ...
<Spast> goddamnit

Spoon35: http://www.oddworldz.com/fmweekly/kellypinup.jpg
SenorWeird: who?
Momog: hehe
SenorWeird: who is that?
Momog: kelly hu = the wolverine chick from xmen
SenorWeird: Kelly who?
Spoon35: exactly!
SenorWeird: Kelly Exactly?
Momog: heh
Momog: it's a trap!
SenorWeird: Just tell me the chick's name. It's Kelly what?
Spoon35: Hu.
SenorWeird: ?!
SenorWeird: The chick you just posted a picture of!
Spoon35: Hu
SenorWeird: That's what I wanna know! Kelly who!
Spoon35: exactly!
SenorWeird: So it's Kelly Exactly!
* Marty11 Laughs in the strange confusion
Spoon35: Hu.
SenorWeird: The girl in the picture you posted is Kelly
Exactly
Momog: Hu, Kelly.
Momog: HA!
SenorWeird: Yes, Kelly, Momog.
Spoon35: Kelly Momog??
SenorWeird: Kelly Exactly
Momog: doh
SenorWeird: Okay, you know what? Forget this.
SenorWeird: Let's talk about that hot chick in Mulholland
Drive and The Ring.
SenorWeird: What's her name?
Momog: who?
SenorWeird: her name
Spoon35: Watts.
SenorWeird: yes, I think my question was quite clear.
Spoon35: Watts.
* Momog covers his ears and screams
SenorWeird: are you not understanding me?
SenorWeird: Who is the chick from The Ring?
Spoon35: I think I understand. you want to know Watts.
SenorWeird: Not What, who. Who is the chick from The Ring.
Spoon35: no, Watts is the chick from the Ring
SenorWeird: Who is?
Spoon35: no, she was in X2
SenorWeird: What?!
Spoon35: exactly.
SenorWeird: Exactly was in X2. okay.
SenorWeird: so then Who was in the ring?
Spoon35: Hu was.
SenorWeird: Who was in the ring?
Spoon35: no. Watts was in the Ring. Hu was in X2.
SenorWeird: Exactly. Now, let's get back to the Ring. What's
that chick's name?
Spoon35: watts.
SenorWeird: okay, I'm lost.
SenorWeird: What's the name of the chick from X2?
Spoon35: no, Watts is the name of the chick from the Ring
SenorWeird: Forget about the ring. I don't want to hear about
Who was in the ring.
Spoon35: watts
SenorWeird: Am I not clear? Who was in X2?
Spoon35: yes.
SenorWeird: Yes?
SenorWeird: Yes what?
Spoon35: Yes Hu! No Watts.
SenorWeird: ....
SenorWeird: What?!
Momog: i am logging this and using it as blackmail against you
both
SenorWeird: oh, this is either genius or stupidity.

* badlands dials phone-a-hooker
<WhitAdept> phone brb

<lyfe> i just don't keep a fucking book with the names of all
the girls who've had their dick in my mouth

(Bismarck) Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!!!!
(Bismarck) France is going to house the new nuclear fusion
reactor!
(Bismarck) If it suceeds, cheap long term energy. If it fails,
BAM! France is gone!
(Bismarck) It's win win!

<Dack Falu> WTF, there are Bomberman fanfics
<Dack Falu> Did that shit have a storyline?
<Stultus> Someone's probably written a fanfic for Tetris
<Saturn V> THE L BLOCK TAKES ME BY THE HAND AND PLUGNES ITSELF
NEATLY INTO ME, FORMING A LINE
<Saturn V> I MOAN BUT THEN PART OF ME VANISHES
<Saturn V> FOREVER.

<Larno> I got terribly smashed the night before
<Larno> And some electricity cable broke down in my street
<Larno> it was like 6am postman and garbage dudes were there-
watching them workin on it and the street was blocked by
police cars
<Larno> eventually they knocked at my door so i m in front of
a cop, a worker with his helmet a garbage mate,  a postman and
my neighbour- a huge black guy who works in IT
<Larno> and all I can say is  "oh maan the village people
became jheovah witnesses"

* Mazca just had a singularly scary experience there...
<Ephialtes> what happened Max?
<Mazca> I was just feeling sorry for myself and pissed off
about not having a girlfriend, and wondering what I should do
to sort my life out...
<Mazca> then my iTunes, AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, started playing
"Gay Bar".

<FLB> Are you in the mood for some gaming?
<Ouroboros> Uh huh.
<FLB> Cause I should be finished in a reasonable amount of
time.
<FLB> So you have more or less two options.
<FLB> A) You leave me an IP address, and I join you later.
<FLB> B) You simply wait for my return, at which point game
specifics are worked out, and we commence.
<Ouroboros> C) I find a game, don't tell you the IP, and we
never hook up.
<FLB> D) I hunt you down and kill you.
<Ouroboros> E) Ow.
<FLB> F) Somehow we manage to accomplish all of the above.
<Ouroboros> G) Not likely, but ok.
<FLB> H) I know, but it was an idea.
<Ouroboros> I) pick B)
<FLB> J) I have to scroll up, please hold.
<Ouroboros> K)
<FLB> L)OL
<FLB> M)an this is getting old.
<Ouroboros> N)o kidding.

<Slimjim`> My parents caught me masturbating one day, and
responded with making me a cake to celebrate my ascent into
manhood. At the time I should have been "what the holy
bejesusing fuck" but instead I was like "hey, free cake."

<Insomniak> ow owow
<Insomniak> ow
<Insomniak> i hit myself in the nuts playing air guitar
<Insomniak> again
<nxn> darwin is hard at work

<@moss> oh jesus
<@moss> its 6 PM
<@moss> not am
<Tiq> XD
<Tiq> What have you missed, moss?
<@moss> uh... wednesday
<Tiq> HAHAHA

<TLF> smoke
<TLF> im calling u out hustlah
<TLF> bring it
<MegaSmokeX> Why, bitch?
<TLF> first person to hack the other person wins
<MegaSmokeX> k
<TLF> lets see your 1337 skillz bitch hahaha
*** Signoff: TLF (Connection reset by peer)
<Ginnsu> Goddamn O_O
<Saunders> pnwed.
<MegaSmokeX> I think thats the luckiest Ive ever been in my
life...

<Altair> hey guys
<Altair> gotta question for you all.
<Altair> If you could listen to one song before you died, what
would it be?
<Spike> The song that never ends?

<jackal-> someone guess what my cat will type when i drop it
on my keyboard
<jackal-> hello i'm a very intelligent cat, save me from my
cruel master and free me from this prison
<jackal-> omg
<jackal-> bad cat

<us98> hi
<us98> I've windows 98 installed on my computer
<Sygrke> ok
<us98> now i have a problem
<Sygrke> you repeat yourself dude

<NobelDek> I got all my history from Age of Empires
<JoseoftheWired> Using video games to learn history is
probably a bad idea
<JoseoftheWired>  And the American colonists decided to rebel
against the British because they were camping all the tea. 
<[7hs]> Brits lost because of lag
<NobelDek> No, the Brits were noobs. They didn t know how to
play in DS_America.
<[7hs]> The Civil War happened when someone turned FF=ON
<JoseoftheWired> The Japanese hated the Koreans on their
server so they invaded
<[7hs]> Hitler used a wallhack to get into France
<[7hs]> twice!
<TheStupidOne> No...paris lagged out

* unexpected joins the room!
<unexpected> oh shit gotta go
* unexpected left the game.
<Chimerasame> well that was unexpected.

<watashi-x> Oh my God! Are you attemping to DoS me?
<Polymer> WTF are you talking about dumb ass
<Polymer> I can't get into your MS-DOS

<Kupo> man
<Kupo> Firefox can fuck itself
<DarknessTear> It can? So THAT's what the Firefox logo is
doing.

Mike: I had a random thought in the shower just before
Mike: I think I was still half asleep
Mike: if you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of
johnson's no more tears, would it create beautiful irony?
Hopper: ROFL

zero:dude that computer you nicked from school, ive just had
the police round being questioned about it, they will probably
be at yours soon.
Anony-X: WTF SHIT!!!!!what do i do? my parents are gunna
fucking kill me and im gunna get fucking expelled
Anony-X: Man, im running away from home, it sucks anyway
theres never a sprite in the fridge when you need it,take
care.
*** Anony-X has left #bnbn
zero:HA APRIL FOOL!
zero:danny?
zero:oooh shit...

<yoozer> the speed of sound is defined by the distance from
door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close
the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts
"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING"

Magus5311: I got a C- in Spanish 1.
Magus5311: Then I got a summer job doing construction
Magus5311: Next year I had an A+

<dr00d> gd, my gf is so fucking stupid
<stupid> shit, you found out about that?

<saboteur> sometimes i wish i didtn have a penis
<saboteur> like when i get a wood standing up
<Damien> lol sab
<saboteur> and its hard to hide
<phase5> same
<phase5> or like, when your walking down the street
<phase5> and it hangs out the bottom of your pants
<phase5> and drags on the ground
<saboteur> haha
<saboteur> yeah exactly
<k> or when you lie down and planes crash into it

<Poyzin> So, something amusing happened to me.
<Kilts> ?
<Poyzin> I clocked out of work today, and the ticket tells me
I've worked 13 hours and 37 minutes.
<Poyzin> Of course, presented as 13.37.
<Poyzin> Know what that makes me? :D
<Kilts> lol really leet?
<Poyzin> ...
<Poyzin> I worked 13 and a half fucking hours, and TIRED isn't
your first guess? God dammit.

<@Gandalf> Recent scientific study found that the kind of male
face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle.
<@Gandalf> For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted
to men with rugged and masculine features.
<@Gandalf> And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer
a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved
deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse

<ihatestan> god I hate my little brother
<ihatestan> its my mothers birthday and I got her a Amethyst
necklace
<ihatestan> than out of no where my brother goes "mom has +3
strengh"

<sigafoo> i realized i loved my girlfriend when i said to her
<sigafoo> <3
<sigafoo> and she said "<3.14159265" back...

[Sativa] My sister earlier, got pulled over by a cop
[Sativa] He said 'Can I see your licence'
[Sativa] And she gave him her credit card on accident
[Sativa] And he is like 'I only accept cash'

<Zoiks> its my birthday in two weeks   :D
<Zoiks> I'mma throw a big party and invite all my friends
<Zoiks> shit dude, I need to start making plans
<+madhtr003> and friends

<chibo> Found something pretty rad. $5 FBI hat purchased at
HOPE. Blew past a cop at 85. Looked over at the cop, he read
the hat, saluted, and retargeted someone else with the radar
gun. Not too bad for $5. Highly recommended.

<JadussD> all i can say is, the native americans could not
have had better vengeance on americans than tobacco :|
<JadussD> hundreds of thousands of dead each year
<JadussD> "hey, we're going to enslave, decimate, relocate,
and destroy your way of life."
<JadussD> "oh, okay. here, smoke this"

<AL9000> I think it would be funny to bust up into somewhere
wearing a trenchcoat and start shooting people with a brightly
colored Super Soaker, and then after the intitial shock is
over and people are laughing or getting pissed off, you pull
out a real gun and start taking them down
<AL9000> But that's just me

* om3ga has joined #hangman
<hangbot> Hello om3ga! current game is as follows:
<hangbot> a _ _   _ _ _ _   _ a s _   _   _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _  
_ s
<om3ga> all your base r belong to us
* om3ga has left #hangman

<Slap_Shot> scooby doo 2 beat passion of the christ in movie
theaters
<LeafsFan> i bet the pope blamed those meddling kids :P

<Serpentor> My sister has this one friend of hers (who's 19
about to turn 20).. goddamit the girl is the cutest thing ..
(her friend, not my sister you fucking pervert). Whenever I
see her I want to fucking beat off (again, the friend, not my
fucking sister you misinterpretter)
<PainBreak> i think Serpentor has a guilty conscience

<ShaggyShaggs> heh, my grandmother amused me earlier
<ShaggyShaggs> I got up, got dressed, took a leak, washed my
face, got out of the bathroom and mom's there holding the
phone telling me it's for me
<ShaggyShaggs> I grab the phone and mutter "Is this more
important than coffee?"
<ShaggyShaggs> and my grandmother says "Nothing is more
important than coffee, call me back later"

(MoLaUstEr) They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was
already taken.

onslaught86: Your spelling's so bad your blood must be type-o.

<Evilution> I bought these heinous (but somewhat loveable)
underwear today, a silver-metallic snakeskin-boxer.. and when
I'm at the register the clerk says 'are you serious? I
wouldn't even buy those.. and I'm gay..'

[fris] whats the most rebel thing you have done
[O_o`] destroyed the death star

<spazdor> how do you get a Cisco Certified Network
Administrator off your porch?
<cnug> ...?
<spazdor> pay for your pizza

<Sabdo> So I went into my school's band room for the first
time today
<Sabdo> Biggest bunch of nerds I've ever met.
<Sabdo> and this one girl walks in, really hot,
<Sabdo> and I swear to fucking god,
<Sabdo> three kids pulled out inhalers

<Mank> Happy New Year.
<Mank> 666 + 1337 = 2003
<Anders> So the Antichrist is to arrive this year in the form
of a preteen hacker?
<Chris_A> It's the Ap0cA1yp53!!!!111
<Mank> a11 uR j3suz r b3lonG 2 US!!!!!!

Nail: my chemistry teacher has bad grammar
Traceur: how so
Nail: princiPAL laws of quantum numbers
Traceur: he put principle?
Nail: no
Nail: put principal
Traceur: do yuo know the difference between those two wordS?
Nail: yeah, principal is like the school administrator
Nail: because he's your pal
Traceur: 'principal' also means 'main'
Traceur: a 'principle' is a concept
Traceur: your principal failure comes from not understanding
the principles of grammar.
Nail: fuck you.

<Chewbacca> Raarraraaraarrrraarargh.
<Jordanis_Jackal> What's that Chewie?  Han fell into the well?

<Fattie> I'm fuckin hungry gonna go make some food
<Fattie> if I DC call 911, I probably burned down the kitchen
<[FKU]Greycloak> "Hello? 911? I'd like to report a fire at
74.12.122.225"

amandahirst2007 : why is it that when you ship something by
car it's called shipment and when it's shipped by boat it's
called cargo
Vincent_Valentine9 : Cargo is simply a term to describe
something held on a ship, plane, truck or train. It has
nothing to do with what the cargo is actually used for. The
"Shipment" is an item being moved, it got it's name because
back in the day, before cars, ships and boats down rivers and
oceans were the main form of travel.
Vincent_Valentine9 : When Planes, trains and automobiles began
to be used, the term simply carried over.
amandahirst2007 : ur stupid. asl?
Vincent_Valentine9 : ..........

<Telius> Nobody escapes the Spanish Inquisition!
<codepoet> \S\p\a
\i\s\h\ \I\q\u\i\s\i\t\i\o

<+DethFromAbove> rmuser she is not ugly
<+DethFromAbove> she is fat yeah
<+DethFromAbove> but I saw past that
<+DethFromAbove> I don't know what to call that
<+DethFromAbove> I'm not sure if it's love or what
<@rmuser> gravitational lensing

<@Exor[B-AFK]> yeah apparently a teacher in britain was
arrested. on him they found a pencil, eraser, ruler,
protractor and compass. They said he was part of the Al Gebra
network, and that he had weapons of math instruction!
<@Exor[B-AFK]> HA HA.
* Exor[B-AFK] shoots self

<lordpil> everyone freeze, this is an irc stickup. don't move
or i'll DoS ya. gimme all the voice
<ZorbaTHut> don't hurt me, don't hurt me!
*** ZorbaTHut sets mode: +v lordpil
* lordpil runs away with the voice
*** Parts: lordpil
<ZorbaTHut> damn! he took our voice
<stevieo> ....

<Evan> Real Swiss chocolate? Like from actual Sweden?

<vic> 128kbps is good for music, but for a shower
<vic> it's way more than you need
<Jewass> no way
<Jewass> i need to feel my cleanest
<Jewass> and we have lo-flo shower heads at my house
<Nosnam> Its not a lo-flo shower head. It's a low bandwidth
shower head.
<Kurt> golden showers
<Nosnam> golden showers would be AOL
<Nosnam> A dialup shower head is one where you have to stand
there for 10 minutes before the water starts coming out
<Nosnam> I use a cisco router with my shower. It's load
distribution sprays my entire body at once
<Nosnam> I forgot to enable WEP encryption on my 802.11G
shower... I was showering, and my neighbor joined me
<Chamuyo> I remember back in my time when you had to order
your water and it got delivered in paper envelopes with stamps
glued on them
<vic> that's taking it to far
<vic> gtfo

* God plays the Sims.
* God clicks on "Gothic" and selects "swear"
<Gothic> Fuck
<Gothic> Wait, what

<`Frieza> dont you get it! I have a giant Brain that is
capable of reduceing anything down to a yes or no question.
<bUdDyLeE> LOL `Frieza I don't think that's how it's supposed
to work
<bUdDyLeE> watch
<bUdDyLeE> What is the meaning of life?
<`Frieza> yes
<bUdDyLeE> elaborate
<`Frieza> no
<bUdDyLeE> fair enough.

Soth: i need something more complex than 2+2
jadenbane: Soth: 2+2i ?

<MugsyDaFish> i was peeing on the building and a cop rolls up
on his bike
<MugsyDaFish> i told him, i hope you're not going to arrest me
cuz i don't think ill be able to sit on the handlebars
<MugsyDaFish> i almost went to jail for that

<ph03n1x> Didnt Ray Charles die right before [Ray] came out?
That would suck if he never even got to see it.

<Berawler> Is there any sanity or light left in this
shrivelled husk of a world?
<SingingDancingMoose> There was, but we had to trade it in for
the internet.
<Berawler> That is quite possibly the best response to any
question ever.

<MalachiConstant> hah, I have a funny story about watching
Ringu, ready?
<Jessica> Yeah.
<MalachiConstant> I was watching it on DVD, and it was a quiet
scene, like s shot of someone sleeping...
<MalachiConstant> I was admiring how they kept showing someone
just sleeping, and were realy building the tension well...
<MalachiConstant> then I realized my DVD player was stuck and
I was watching a still frame for about 10 minutes on the edge
of my seat

<iln> cd earlyteen

<joshkr>  Who is this General Error, and why's he scanning my
hard drive?
<de0n>    He's the boss of Major Malfunction
<bismuth> Looking for Private Pictures

<xp99> We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see
any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit
suicide if he does.
<xp99> So next Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all American
women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to
help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
<xp99> Circling your block for one hour is recommended for
this antiterrorist effort. All men are to position themselves
in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not
terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to
see nude women other than their wife and to show support for
all American women.
<xp99> And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a
cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your
antiterrorist sentiment.
<xp99> The American Government appreciates your efforts to
root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this
anti terrorist activity.
<xp99> God bless America and GOD BLESS AMERICAN WOMEN! IT IS
YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON

<StaticFish> Where did I put my stick of RAM?
<StaticFish> I'm losing my memory.

(omfg): whats the most sensitive part of a persons body when
they are masturbating ?
(TypoKing): idk
(omfg): their ears
(omfg): listening for ppl coming home

< skel> I just patented an atmospheric bio-oxygen extraction
device..
< skel> now I'll sue anyone breathing
< skel> mwuhahahaha!
< skel> i was just kidding guys
< skel> you can let your breath out
< skel> =P
< skel> guys?
< skel> OH DEAR GOD!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
< skel> BREATHE PEOPLE!!! BREATHE!!!

<scytale> man, i suck at cooking
<scytale> was cooking something, piece of food fell on the
floor
<scytale> dog ate it up, then threw up

<Frankstar> I am so fucking pissed. This one guy sold me his
air guitar on ebay for 70 dollars and I still havent fucking
received shit.

<ajax> Some people...have the idea that evolution is a fucking
system of...
<ajax> "oh i need flippers, i'd better grow some" type
bullshit. :P
<ajax> It's more like "Oh shit look at that freak over there
with the flippers hahaha OH SHIT I AM DROWNING OH GOD SAVE ME
FLIPPER BOY".

TsK/Scel: i think im gonna download some porn
TsK/Scel: something ive never seen before tho
TsK/Scel: something...... different
Shane/Mehul: lol
Shane/Mehul: porn with women?
TsK/Scel: fuck you

<spree> i wish i had a southern accent
<shy> gday mate
<videogameaholic> not that southern
<shy> hola amigo
<videogameaholic> getting closer
<shy> howdy yall
<videogameaholic> close enough

<predation> so I'm at work and this kid rings the bell on the
counter RIGHT behind me
<predation> the kid goes "SORRY" when I turn around
<predation> kid's mom goes "sorry isn't an excuse when you do
something stupid on purpose"
<predation> i'm putting it on a t-shirt

<etoilet> i went into the D&D store cuz they had old capcom
arcade booths for sale,  and my girlfriend followed me in. 
All the guys were sitting at a table playing D&D,  and this
one long haired dude got up out of his seat, strode up to my
gf, bowed and said "May I help you my lady?"
<crunchyfish> I don't know, man. That's pretty smooth. What
was his charisma? 17? 18?

<Dakara> what's the name of that disease when you can't stop
masturbating?
<amaury> the Y chromosome

<AsPHy> if you could torrent hardware it would be awesome
<Doitle> If we disregard logic, we can do all kinds of fun
things!

<chilomen> *Now Playing: bathtub_lesbians.avi*
<zeddevil2> rofl dude i didnt need to know that
<chilomen> oh shit
<chilomen> lol :S ill change it
<chilomen> *Now Playing: nsync_tearin_up_my_heart.mp3*
<zeddevil2> ...
<zeddevil2> go back to the lesbians

<Skail[IRON]> I get a girlfriend-free evening, tonight.
<Skail[IRON]> All evening.
<Skail[IRON]> :D
<Skail[IRON]> I'm thinking I'm going to sit on the couch in my
underwear, drink beer, and watch porn.
<Driedsponge> You don't do that WITH your girlfriend?
<Skail[IRON]> No, she makes me drink wine.

<ppg> if guns kill people
<ppg> then pencils misspell words
<ppg> and cars make people drive drunk
<ppg> and spoons made rosie o'donnell fat

<TheThree> your special?
<Mj> you're
<TheThree> sorry my grammer sucks
<Mj> grammar
<TheThree> as dose my spelling
<Mj> does
<TheThree> i give up
<Mj> I

<Bonz> I saw a debate in the US Congress where the Coast Guard
and others were saying it's impossible to smuggle nukes into
the US. One of the Congressman asked, "What if they're smart
enough to pack it in a bale of marijuana? We know you can't
stop THAT."

<Anonymous> Last night, Helen and I were sitting in the living
room, and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If
that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged
the TV, and threw out my beer.
<Anonymous> She's such a bitch.

<Tux> gimme a P, gimme an A, gimme a N, gimme an I, gimme a T,
gimme an E, gimme an S! Whats that spell?
<Tux> PANTIES!
<Tux> er
<Tux> not really
<Tux> but it was close!

ThAJuGgAlEtTe987: Every night, someone thinks about you before
they go to sleep. At least 15 people in this world love you in
some way. The only reason someone would ever hate you is
because they want to be just like you. There are at least 2
people in this worldthat youu would die for. You mean the
world to someone. Someone that you dont even know exists loves
you. When youuu make the biggest mistake ever, something good
comes from it. When you think the world has turned its back on
you, take a look again. Always remember the compliments you
received. Forget the rude remarks. So if you are a loving
friend, send this to everyone on you list
ZooTYaDeaDHomiE: Go Fuck Yourself

<Fuzion> research has shown that men are less likely to
attempt suicide, but more likely to succeed.
<Kadaj>  it's because they tend to use guns, while women use
things like sleeping pills.
<Fuzion> that just pisses me off.
<Fuzion> the last thing you are ever going to do... would it
kill you to do it right?!
<Fuzion> ...
<Fuzion> wait

<DarkKnight> I came home on Sunday night and I found my mom
staring at me and looking annoyed.
<DarkKnight> I smelled her cooking and asked what she cooked
and she responded by saying, "I didn't make any food for you!"
<DarkKnight> She seemed very pissed so I decide to go
downstairs to avoid her.
<DarkKnight> When I was just about to leave she asked me if I
bought a new game. I had no clue what she was talking about,
so I said no.
<DarkKnight> "You sure? " she said, "nothing Male to Male?"
<DarkKnight> I was very confused and disturbed by this
question because my mom seemed to be accusing me of being gay.
<DarkKnight> I said no again and she told me she found a box
that said male to male on it.
<DarkKnight> I stood there and thought for a minute and then I
realized what she was talking about. I ran downstairs and
showed her what she looked at:
<DarkKnight> It was the box for my male-to-male s-video cord.
My mom thought I was gay because I bought an s-video cord.
<silverpig> Just for kicks, you should leave the box for your
3 in 1 KVM cable laying around and she what she says about
that.

<yajmele> Oh my god....I was fooling around with my boyfriend
the other night....
<yajmele> Right when I grabbed his cock, we heard the "get
item" sound from Legend of Zelda. 
<yajmele> It's apparently his e-mail alert on his phone.
<yajmele> It took us 20 minutes to stop laughing.  The timing
on that was impeccable.

<bi0h4z4r_> north korea is test firing missiles right now
<bi0h4z4r_> on fox news
<@argv[0]> thats where i would test my missiles too
<@argv[0]> fox news headquarters

*** Signoff: Morpheus (Connection reset by peer)
*** Morpheus (vanford@host-209-214-188-107.clt.bellsouth.net)
has joined channel #relax
<Morpheus> argh.. that wasn't my speaker cable

<Indiana> What's a cuntwaffle?
<Indiana> Ah, never mind, I'll ask my mom when she comes on.
She knows everything about cooking and food.

<DB> Oh god - what the fuck do they put in absinthe? i only
had a couple and I feel like I've been raped by a camel..
<Rust_Bunny> It's meant to be taken orally ..

<_static_> I had a dream last night I got fired because my cat
called someone a nigger

<cbatoday> my friend walked in on me having sex on his bed
last night
<Nemoso> was he pissed?
<cbatoday> well yea, it was with his girlfriend :

<TheFlux> give me a chick with lips the size of that guy from
aerosmith or something
<scarf> why dont you just get the guy from aerosmith

<kinijima> why do they keep programming labs so fucking cold?
<aalti> so the computers don't get over heated?
<kinijima> so what the fuck did  the people do back when there
was no air conditioning?
<aalti> you're a fucking idiot.

EndOfForever: So, how do you like being a jew?
AvatarOfPirate: It's ok.
EndOfForever: What's speaking hebrew like?
AvatarOfPirate: It's ok. It's hard to read though. There
aren't any vowels expressed in it. You have to.. sort of
figure it out. It's like...
EndOfForever: Talking to people on AOL?

<wangsta`> damnit
<wangsta`> how the fuck do i turn that off
<wangsta`> everytime someone pastes a link it pops up
<@Ele|HW> oh?
<@Ele|HW> http://www.goatse.cx
<wangsta`> I FUCKING HATE YOU

Anonymous-san: okay so there's these two strings, right
Anonymous-san: They walk into a bar
Anonymous-san: The first string says
Anonymous-san: Hello, I'd like a rum and
cokerhe7954454gh2kjn.,.43>>[][]21?24
Anonymous-san: The second string says
Anonymous-san: You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not
null-terminated

*** DADDDDDY has joined #hockey2
<DADDDDDY> HONK
<DADDDDDY> PIMPIN' AINT EASY
<FredSmyth> PIMPIN' IS QUITE DIFFICULT
<Eulogy_> PIMPIN HAS PROVED TO BE MORE WORK THAN I FIRST
ASSUMED
<Maltby> THE DIFFICULTY IN THE OCCUPATION OF PIMPIN' IS
EXPONENTIALLY MORE COMPLEX THAN FIRST BELIEVED
<DADDDDDY> FAGS
*** DADDDDDY has quit IRC

<krulos> my bud had sex with his girl last night 4 times and
in the morning she said,"He was the best she ever had."
<krulos> i told him i had sex with my girl 6 time last night
and this morning she said,"I was God!" lol. how many times did
u get it on last night?
<KavorkianKilled> once
<krulos>hahaha, did she say anything to you this morning?
<KavorkianKilled> yeah, don't stop.

John423: I love her with all my <3.
Acsabh: You love her with all your less than 3? Inches?

<Folkomo> So in class today we were playing guesstures or
password- one of those games you have to guess a word or
phrase- my friend apparently got T.V., but I didn't know that.
He got up and said "Back in my Grandma's days, these used to
only be black and white."
<Folkomo> I fucked up and said "water fountains" outloud.
<Folkomo> ...thats why I got detention.

<frogger> does anone know of an algorithm to generate random
numbers in an increasing sequence?
<JubJub> Use the Pullit-Hofften method
<frogger> what's that?
<JubJub> Just ask cheesy how many times he's masturbated today
<CheeseZone> 11, why?

BonusStageInBed: let me spell it out for you
BonusStageInBed: ES
BonusStageInBed: EL
BonusStageInBed: OH
BonusStageInBed: DOUBLE U
blonde4u: slouu?

digicow: I'm gonna train my children to say sudo instead of
please

schala: ... youve never had a pap smear.
schala: Let me explain
schala: they make you lay on a cold hospital bed with your
legs like whee and then they shove a whoops in your wahoo and
make it go zweep and then it goes weeeeeem and then they poke
your weebleweebles and then you're done
danni: -Blinks.-
danni: Explain that in ENGLISH?!
schala: I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A METAL CHIP CLIP

<adidasdood> anyone smallville 403 yet?
<spacerat> verbs, dude, verbs
<spacerat> that sentence clearly requires a verb

<Devilbunny> when talking to a girl who's a programmer about
dating prospects, I said not to worry.
<Devilbunny> as a programmer, she'll be exposed to geek boys
who may have never seen a girl before, and she can have her
pick of the litter
<Devilbunny> someone else interjected saying "The odds are
good, but the goods are odd."

figs: whatcha doin man
trawlz: moping cause i have no life, you?
figs: just opened like 50 starburst
figs: gonna see how many i can put in my mouth at once =D
trawlz: well shit. i feel better already

<JayNiN> So yeah, guys, my dad and I had a big arguement last
night...It's actually pretty fucking awkward.
<SimCard> Yeah? Tell us about.
<JayNiN> Heh, you guys aren't going to believe this...but
anyways.
<JayNiN> So last night, my sister was trying to get her AOL
connection shut off (yes, I know...who the fuck still uses
AOL?)
<JayNiN> and I decide to go to the regional chatrooms
<JayNiN> 10 minutes in the chatroom, some random guy IMs me
and is like "ASL"
<JayNiN> so I fuck around with the guy saying "19/F/WY"
<JayNiN> The guy starts tripping out and is like "omg, I'm
from Wyoming!"
<JayNiN> and so I'm like "Oh, really? What part?"
<JayNiN> the guy goes "Cheyenne"...I shit myself. I'm from
Cheyenne!
<JayNiN> Out of nowhere, the guy asks for my phone number...so
I was feeling a bit mischievious and I wanted to have my
sister talk to him and then we would just prank the guy.
<JayNiN> Well, I give the guy my number and out of nowhere he
goes..."JAKE!? What the fuck!?"
<JayNiN> I trip out and I'm like "Who the hell are you? And
how do you know my name/number!?"
<JayNiN> and he goes "GET THE FUCK HOME RIGHT NOW!"
<JayNiN> It was my dad...

<g-core> Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long 1, Michael J. Fox
has a little one, Madonna doesn't have one and the Pope has
one but doesn't use it.  What is it.
<pip> last name
<pip> no wait
<pip> penis

<Guilty> Oh god I just changed my pw and instantly forgot it

<@buo> A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender
asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender
nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

aspuffnstuff: The third one looks like something they used in
Star Wards
aspuffnstuff: *Wars
alykat: lol "star wards"
alykat: an epic about a hospital set in space
alykat: "use the forceps, luke"
volcanogirl: come.. to the bed pan. the bed pan!
aspuffnstuff: OBGYN kenobi!

Crimson Seiko: Maybe a newer version of AIM obliterated the
future?
Crimson Seiko: * feature

McKhaos: this guy asks me
McKhaos: how many people work in your company ?
McKhaos: my answer
McKhaos: about a third

<LifeIsGood2u> I got the worst fortune after having a condom
break
<Incubor> what
<LifeISGood2u> "Even the smallest leak can sink a ship"
<Incubor> Damn Asian Cookies

<sic1> so you tried to go home
<sic1> and it wouldn't start?
<sp4nk> Indeed.
<sp4nk> I wish I knew a thing or two about cars.
<sp4nk> I wonder if there's a troubleshooter online that's
like Microsoft's thing.
<sp4nk> Problem: My car will not start.
<sic1> HAHAHA
<sp4nk> Suggestion: Have you tried turning the key?
<sp4nk> [ ] Yes, this solved the problem.
<sp4nk> [x] No, the car still will not start.
<sp4nk> This troubleshooter is unable to solve your problem.

(@Impure1NZ): Anyone else notice that 'strap on' spelt
backwards is 'no parts'?

Connor: Firefox 3.5. Download it.
Andrew: Give me the top 5 reasons to download it.
True: In iambic pentameter
Connor: For private browsing, tear-off tabs and then some,
Connor: Download Firefox three point five and see:
Connor: It's using Gecko one point nine point one,
Connor: And over twice as fast as Firefox three.
Connor: Pwned.

<SKS> Hey, type lana backwards.
<LadyGrace> SKS, anal?
<SKS> Yes, please.
<WhoaOutOfControl> Hey SKS, type cips backwards.
<SKS> spic
* SKS was kicked by Anubis- (Racist language detected (4 hour
ban) -- (207 served))
<WhoaOutOfControl> Teehee
<rancid_alan> What an ass.

<otto|sleep> 3.  What is the longest river in Scotland?
<otto|sleep> Here's your 1st hint: t__
<rP^paveway> teh river
<otto|sleep> Here's your 2nd hint: ta_
<rP^paveway> tet
<rP^paveway> tat
<rP^paveway> taq
<rP^paveway> taw
<rP^paveway> tae
<rP^paveway> tas
<rP^paveway> tad
<rP^paveway> tag
<rP^paveway> tac
<rP^paveway> tah
<rP^paveway> taf
<rP^paveway> taj
<rP^paveway> tak
<rP^paveway> tab
<rP^paveway> tan
<rP^paveway> tam
<rP^paveway> cmon...
<otto|sleep> Time's up! The answer was: tay
<rP^paveway> mother of god

<@dawoker> my manager dropped by and told me to stop using
things like "my president is an assclown" in string testing
for some of our code.

<olah> what does 'dunno' mean?
<goof> i don't know
<olah> anyone else?
<goof> i said i don't know
<olah> yeah, i saw...but does anyone else know what it means?
<goof> I DON'T KNOW !!
<olah> yeah, i know
<goof> then why do you ask?!
<olah> because i want to know!
<goof> you said you DID know!
<olah> no, i know that you don't know
<goof> i KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, ffs!
<olah> what, then?
<goof> i don't know
<olah> omg...DO you or DON'T you know?!
<goof> i means: I DON'T KNOW !!
<goof> aargh...stupid...

ErrorHst : im getting tired of your ignorance
DoomDayMassacre : im not ignoring u

Nastard> i think i just found an avi of shania twain sucking
some guy off
<matt> that don't impress me much

<Corsair> My ex-wife pulled my kids out of school because she
wants to home-school them.
<Dolphin_24994> And this is bad?
<Corsair> Damn straight. That fucking idiot couldn't teach
someone how to pour water out of a bucket with instructions
printed on the bottom.

<Graham> Let's say you have an ax. The kind that you could
use, in a pinch, to hack a man's head off...
<Graham> And let's say that very situation comes up and for
some very solid reasons you behead a man.
<Graham> On the follow-through, though, the handle of the ax
snaps in half in a spray of splinters.
<Graham> So the next day you take it to the ax store down the
block and get a new handle, fabricating a story for the guy
behind the counter and explaining away the reddish dark stains
as barbeque sauce.
<Graham> Now, that next spring you find in your garage a
creature that looks like a cross-bred badger and anaconda. A
badgerconda.
<Graham> And so you grab your trusty ax and chop off one of
the beast's heads, but in the process the blade of the ax
strikes the concrete floor and shatters.
<Graham> This means another trip to McMillan & Son's Ax Mart.
As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax, though, you
meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last year.
<Graham> He's also got a new head attached and it's wearing
that unique expression of "you're the man who killed me last
Spring" resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday
life.
<Graham> You brandish your ax. He takes a long look at the
weapon with his squishy, rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he
screams, "that's the same ax that slayed me!"
<Graham> ...Is he right?

<Kuja> How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw
in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes three episodes.

<Sneux_Duck> so today at school we had this guy talking about
sexual predators online and crap like that for a good hour.
and he said something like "girls don't put your pictures
online. these freaks will only collect, trade and sell them"
and i said a bit too loudly "gotta catch 'em all"
<Sneux_Duck> he was the only one not laughing...

<David_0mega> google maps has taught me many things
<junkntrunk> such as?
<David_0mega> that my neighbor has a pool for one thing

<Felon> What is a leet? Is that a type of ferret?

<Paine> Ah shit guys, I'm fucked.
<Criosys> ?
<Paine> I was showing my mom the way to download and watch
music on the computer downstairs (yeah, illegal, sue me).
Anyway, I forgot to factor in the fact that there's an option
box to "Search my computer for music files".
<Criosys> and...?
<Paine> What I DIDN'T know, was that it also adds video files.
So about 5 minutes ago, I walked through the living room, saw
my mom and sister at the computer watching the visualisations.
<Paine> On the way back OUT of the room, the song changed, and
all of a sudden, hardcore lesbian porn for my mom and sister
to enjoy.
<Paine> Now they're banging on the door so I'm turning MY
music way up so they can't hear my crying >_<

*** Topic in #ramen is 'note to sober self: this is drunk
skunko, you got laid last night by alycia. YEA'

<PeppyTheHamster> me and my friends went to a local gas
station on lunch at school to buy some snacks and shit.
<PeppyTheHamster> we got inside, and the guy behind the
counter was like
<PeppyTheHamster> "Why arent you in school?"
<PeppyTheHamster> We told him we were on lunch and he was like
"Good. stay in school, its good for you."
<PeppyTheHamster> I turned to him and said "Yeah! So we can
work in a gas station!"
<PeppyTheHamster> He looked at me like I was the anti-christ.
As we were leaving he went on the intercom and spoke into his
microphone "Please ignore the homosexuals leaving the store."

<Rebbel> Man Google Earth is awesome
<Android18> Why?
<Rebbel> Im looking at my house
<Rebbel> brb, pizzas here
<BFMV> Now thats what i call technology

<Kiell> so it was my mate's funeral the other day
<Kiell> the parents asked his girlfriend to choose a song that
he liked.
<Kiell> and between them they picked out "Bombtrack" by Rage
Against The Machine.
<Kiell> So, just before the coffin disappeared to be cremated,
Zach de la Rocha is screaming "burn, burn, yes you're gonna
burn".
<Kiell>  Funniest. Funeral. Ever.

NTG85002: Hahaha
NTG85002: Today I was at my psych 101 lecture, of about 300
people, and we were talking about Freud's psychosexual stages,
and how he thought homosexuality was credited to an lack of
influence from the same sex parent.
NTG85002: So in the middle of class, my friend says "I don't
believe that.  If not having one of your parents around led to
homosexuality, there would be a lot more black homosexuals."
NTG85002: The teacher was speechless.

<McMoo> An infinite number of monkeys, on an infinite number
of typewriters, will eventually produce the collected works of
Shakespeare. John Romero's Daikatana was a ten-minute,
five-monkey job.

D1v1d3 8y Z3r0: i got owned by my bio TA earlier in the year
D1v1d3 8y Z3r0: she was like "So, what are some possible
effects from mutated genes?"
D1v1d3 8y Z3r0: i said "Well, it could cause different coding
of proteins, or it could cause you to develop special powers,
like retractable claws from your hands"
D1v1d3 8y Z3r0: the TA was like, "Wrong.  Those claws are
government implants.  Wolverine's mutant power is his healing
ability."

<FireHmpstr> My friend broke up with his girlfriend or
whatever
<FireHmpstr> So now every damn time I see the fucker I have to
hear him whine
<FireHmpstr> "But I loved her so much, how could i ever live
without her, Blah blah..."
<FireHmpstr> And all I can think about is how to kill him
without anybody finding out.
<FireHmpstr> and then maybe rape that bitch too
<XKKBK> err, are you talking about me?
<FireHmpstr> OH SHI-
<FireHmpstr> forgot you were here

<jess> So whats the difference between the mormons and the
muslims??
<jess> The mormons want their 72 virgins now

quit: (ChanServ) (ChanServ@Services.GameSurge.net) (brb)
(@eFire) brb?
(@eFire) the bot just left and said brb?
(@eFire) wtf
(@eFire) where the f#@ he think hes going?
(@eFire) to the bathroom!!???

<d> yay I fixed my laptops battery!
<d> it was so dead, nothing would charge it
<d> so I gave it the electronic equivalent of a kick in the
head, by shorting the +/- terminals for 5 minutes
<g> don't they have stickers on them that say they could
explode or catch fire by doing that?
<d> yeah but it's ok, I took them off first.

<s3b`> Vegetto: /join #someonewhocares
<s3b`> Oh, look, the channel is empty

<noss> wank in a thunder storm, it will make you feel like
Thor

<Nalah> My mother marks the English national exams.  She was
marking one creative writing paper today, and she got to the
bottom of the page of one that read "the doctor knelt down
beside her and raped her" - she turned the page and it
finished "leg in a bandage".  Hehe.

<Boogieman> and I saw a girl and was like "hey baby, you
lookin' for a good time"
<Boogieman> and she said "yes"
<Boogieman> and I just sorta stared
<Boogieman> cause I don't usually get that far
<Boogieman> and I didn't have anything to say

(+ColdPie) my lesbian coworker's partner is having twins
(@uguu) is she hot
(+ColdPie) no, she's a real life lesbian
(@uguu) oh right

<cannibal> Im playing tetris, and why won't the square pieces
spin like the others?
<therion> ...

< tcowher> personally I'm annoyed that they can get 11KBps
from mars but can't get me a stable 5KBps over 17 miles.

<[BU]RaptoR`> I'd like to travel back to the year 1337 and
point and laugh at everything

Nyoronyoden says:so yeah...I bought a fairly expensive class
ring
Nyoronyoden says:but I realized I hate wearing rings
Nyoronyoden says:so I wear it on my necklace
Nyoronyoden says:...a friend of mine said "Dude, you're
fucking gangster. Even your jewelry is wearing jewelry"

<tangent3> george bush wants to send missions to moons and the
mars
<tangent3> i think the search for weapons of mass destruction
is getting desperate

itchy92: Aha! I figured out why all the 1337 hackers in movies
use Linux.
theNihil: Um, because it's mysterious and unknown to
mainstream movie viewers?
itchy92: No, man. It generates so much output so easily.
itchy92: Need a scrolling console window to make it look like
you're doing something? Type any nonsensical word with a
verbose switch and BAM! you've got scrolling text for like 3
hours. So it seems like you're engaging in some hardcore NSA
decrypting when in fact, you're compiling ksolitaire or
something.

<spd-dmn> lee: hows the baybee
<Virtualee> spd-dmn She's great!  Growing so fast!
<spd-dmn> aw
<spd-dmn> got any pics?
<spazzer> has she sprouted appendages yet?
<KK-> lol
<spazzer> don't babies grow like potatos?
<spd-dmn> ahaha
<spd-dmn> spazzer you're on crack, buddy
<spazzer> you mean they DON'T?
<spazzer> they come out with arms and legs?
<spazzer> shit
<spazzer> i have a whole new respect for women

<Xavier> if it has 'teen' in the channel name, the collective
iq of the group can automatically be assumed to be a negative
value

<Pongball> Religion is like a penis.
<Pongball> It's fine to have one.
<Pongball> It's fine to be proud of it.
<Pongball> But please don't whip it out in public and start
waving it around.
<Pongball> And PLEASE don't try to shove it down children's
throats.

Dracula: Roses are red
Dracula: Violets are blue
Dracula: this line doesn't rhyme
Dracula: and neither does this one

Quaestor> how frequently does a question need to be asked to
be considered a Frequently Asked Question?
Archon11> 7 times in the US and 11 in Canada. The European
Union is considering a common number of five, but Great
Britain refuses to comply and insists on using its own number,
six. China does not allow questions except in Hong Kong.

<raela> man today in bio when I was actually paying attention
I heard the best owned story
<raela> this girl learned about blood typing and how to do
genetic crosses with it
<raela> so she got all excited, went home, and found out her
and her parents blood types from her mom
<raela> she then realized there was no way possible her dad
was related to her
<raela> or at least, not the father
<raela> it took her awhile to get her mom to admit it >:D

<preda> hehe my penis slowly rolling off my desk and when it
falls off its going to hit my cat
<preda> err pen is

Newzfoxjr: Holy shit dude
Newzfoxjr: my friend ding dong door bell ditched a house
across the street
Newzfoxjr: he ran to a bush and hid, the guy answered and he
was dressed up in a freaking S&M suit
Newzfoxjr: so my friend comes out of the bush, looks at him,
AND GOES INTO HIS FREAKING HOUSE.
Newzfoxjr: it's been like 2 hours

FuzzyCrare: i'm in love with a video game character
Macross86: that's sad, pathetic, and completely understandable

<Lilt> I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he
said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said,
"You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well,
you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

<APingLDer> So how did it go with that cheerleader from down
the street that wanted to seduce you?
<naeblis15> Well, I was going to go along, but at the last
minute, I had one of those 'Grinch' moments, when my heart
went up past my level, and Satan's and Stalin's and Hitler's
and a few more levels, to where it was something like normal,
and I decided that I should wait until I could have a
meaningful relationship, not just casual sex with someone
infinitely more popular and beautiful than I am.
<APingLDer>...
<APingLDer>...
<APingLDer>And where was your brain at this point?
<naeblis15>I don't know, but when he gets back he is so
fucking grounded

<TXTerron> wanna know whats geeky?
<Jennifer> hmm?
<TXTerron> I'm driving down the road
<Jennifer> I drove down the road today too...
<Jennifer> Wait, You mean you're on irc in your truck?
<TXTerron> yeah, using my wireless card
<Jennifer> ^___^
<Jennifer> Jason, is that safe?
<TXTerron> na, i just type with one hand while I'm driving and
halfway watch the road, its cool, dont worry
<Jennifer> You're good with typing with one hand?
<TXTerron> shaddup :D
<TXTerron> FUCK
<TXTerron> i just rear ended a lady
<TXTerron> brb :(

<`Xenocide> Bolstered by the state of Kansas' recent measure
removing the requirement for the teaching of evolution in
public schools, yesterday afternoon the Mississippi
legislature passed a bill eliminating fractions and decimal
points from the mathematics curriculum of all public secondary
schools in the state.

madskz: i' tried ass fuck
takefive: haha
takefive: how was it?
madskz: what??
madskz: oh shit
madskz: *i'm tired as fuck

<Somebody241> i was playing XBL yesterday
<Somebody241> and i was playing wit my friend
<Somebody241> and im sure hes maried and everything
<Somebody241> And all of a sudden
<Somebody241> His wife comes on the mic and says
<Somebody241> "Can my husband quit the game so we can have
sex?"
<Somebody241> and then some lil 9 year old in my team says
"Sure just leave the mic on"

<cirrhosis> GODDAMN IT TO FUCKING HELL
<cirrhosis> WTF....MAN, I OUGHTTA JUST GO FUCKING SHOOT MYSELF
<cirrhosis> jesus fucking christ
<dolph72> ?
<cirrhosis> wife just told me she's prego
<dolph72> Dont shoot yourself
<dolph72> Shoot the asshole that did it

Casey: Yeah, writing paper.
Josh: want to be distracted?
Josh: want to play a game?
Casey: Dude...the paper...
Josh: *scizzors beats paper *
Josh: yes I know I misspelled it
Josh: and that
Casey: *pulls out rock*
Josh: *VOLCANO!
Josh: nothing beats volcano
Casey: ASTEROID.
Josh: MAGIC!!!
Casey: BLACK HOLE!
Josh: WHITE HOLE!
Casey: PATRIOT ACT!
Josh: not white house you phail
Casey: No, no, no. *Nothing* beats the Patriot Act, although
I'm sure the ACLU is working very hard on it.
Josh: fine
Josh: ANARCHY
Casey: TOTALITARIAN STATE
Josh: EMMANUEL GOLDSTEIN
Casey: STALIN
Josh: DEATH
Casey: RELIGION
Josh: RATIONAL THOUGHT
Casey: FUNDIES
Josh: NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES
Casey: PEOPLE WITNESSING AT YOUR HOUSE
Josh: SHOTGUN
Casey: BOMBS
Josh: PATRIOT ACT

<%Hamtaro> I tried to register the AIM name "Your mother"
<%Hamtaro> And got this
<%Hamtaro> Create a Screen Name
<%Hamtaro> 
<%Hamtaro> Sorry, Your mother is already in use

Skylos : dang its irritating when I get phone calls and they
just hang up
Triggur: call them back with caller ID and then hang up!
Triggur: ever get a Heavy-Breathing call?
Triggur: I did once and I told him, "oh god, that is SO hot. 
can I jack off too?"
Triggur: turns out it was my mom winded from walking upstairs.

Chronic Munchies: imagine if anne frank had a BLOG instead of
a DIARY
Chronic Munchies: currently listening to: nazis pounding on
the door
GenAmonX2K: Current Mood: concentrating

<Crucial> whats a quick way to push ipconfig /release,
ipconfig /renew to 50 or
so workstations
<Mo> cycle power to the building

<missing> a chick walks by, u wish u could sex her
<missing> but ya standin on the wall like u was poindexter!
<akaIDIOT> since when is sex a verb?
<corngrits> i had sex
<corngrits> isnt that a verb ?
<ceraph> no, thats a miracle

coke420: Woo! Just reached lvl 60 on a 3rd character for WoW!
LexaDead: Great timing on that, I was just looking for a
virgin to sacrifice.

<CardiacVio> Dude, are you skipping homeschool again?
<Metatag> Yep, I'm in the computer lab at the high school.

Faustmaster300:My friend got kicked out of french once.
Faustmaster300:He goes,'Madam! I have a joke for you!'
Faustmaster300:'What is it Zach?'
Faustmaster300:'Why wasn't Jesus born in Paris?'
Faustmaster300:'THEY COULDN'T FIND THREE WISE MEN!'
Faustamster300: and after about 10 min of sitting the hallway,
he pops his head back in the door and goes, 'Oh, and they
couldn't find a virgin either.'

<tdo> i was helping my tech teacher out a few days in july or
so
<tdo> and i got some calls
<tdo> from potential customers
<tdo> and one of them was this little boy who couldn't have
been more than six or seven
<tdo> and he was almost in TEARS
<tdo> "everything i type is in caps what do i do my moms
goinng to kill me"

CaptainMoonpie2: Working on a report
CaptainMoonpie2: Tell me why welfare is bad
CaptainMoonpie2: But in a really, really long explanation that
is easy to copy and paste
IMADV82: Because people like me end up paying for people like
your mom to raise people like you.

<Devildrake> www.meatspin.com
-About 3 minutes later-
<Yodo> Woot 1000 spins
<Yodo> This game needs highscore table and ingame chat
<Devildrake> Dude wtf, it's a shock site, not a game...
<Yodo> Oh...

<JerryBeep> There are two kinds of jokes in the world:  Jokes
that people respond to by saying "lol" and funny jokes.
<melipompous> lol
<JerryBeep> You bastard.

<ColonelCoroner> Nah, this one's good.  Alright, so it was
getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get
into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. 
The Angel at the gate said to the man, "Before I let you in, I
need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
<ColonelCoroner> "No problem," the man said. "I came home to
my 10th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife
half naked. I knew she was fucking some bitch, I glanced out
onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off
the edge by his fingertips!  Well, I ran out onto the balcony
and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But
wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that
broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even
more. I wanted to kill the fucker! So I unplugged my
refrigerator, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it
over the side. It plummeted 10 stories and crushed him! The
excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart
attack and died almost instantly."
<ColonelCoroner> The Angel considers this, and let's him in
cuz it WAS a bad day....The next dude comes up, and is asked
the same question.  So the dude replies, "But you're not going
to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 11th floor
apartment doing my daily exercises. I was really pushing hard,
and I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch
myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of
a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment,
started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. I fell and fucking
hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so
I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the
ground in shock and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push
his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the
10 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
<Piro-nuts> rofl...
<ColonelCoroner> So the Angel chuckles, thinks his job is
pretty cool, and let's this dude in...the third dude comes up,
and again the Angel asks him the same question about how he
died.  So the dude goes, 'Okay, picture this, I'm hiding in
this refrigerator right..."

<@Theseus314> if I invite my girlfriend in here for a short
time will you guys behave yourself?
<Vetek> yes
*** FunG is now known as CaptainGapingAnus
*** poo_al[Away] is now known as i_want_to_fuck_thess_gf
*** IgWannA is now known as HotChickNeedSex
<@CaptainGapingAnus> we will behave

<Tobrae> Y'know, I can't stand all these "lol i got this one
dude to erase hsi hard drive" submissions on bash.org
<Tobrae> Do a search for "deltree" on Bash. Look at those
scores. Those are OUTLANDISH
<Brulam> A little bitter, are we Tob? :P
<Tobrae> No, I just don't find that very funny. I don't find
any of the "lol look at tihs tard lolol" quotes funny.
<ajax> wut does deltree /y c:*.* do??
<Tobrae> ...Can't you read?
<Brulam> enter it in dos
<Tobrae> Oh, no, we're not stooping down to their level
* ajax has quit IRC (Quit: )
<Tobrae> Don't, ajax, it'll e...
<Tobrae> ...
<Brulam> lol what a tard we got him to earse hsi hard drive!!
11 rofl
<Tobrae> HAHA OMG SUBMITTED!!!!!

<cow_hax0r> HOLY HOLY FUCKING SHIT AFK A SEC
<leecher> er...
<cow_hax0r> Sorry back
<leecher> what's the problem, house on fire?
<cow_hax0r> No I had to get a drink
<leecher> so why the urgency?
<cow_hax0r> Well... I REALLY had to get a drink
<leecher> so your house wasn't on fire or being attacked by
ninja's?
<cow_hax0r> Well.. no, but my throat was kinda dry

<kuiper> My mom got me a toilet brush for Christmas.
<sic> lmao
<sic> have you been using it?
<kuiper> Well, yeah, but it hasn't been working too well.  In
fact, I think I may just go back to using paper.

* sunny wanders back in the world of chemistry ... where the
H+ atoms have lost their protons and don't know where to find
them ...
<@guinea-pig> an ion walks into a bar and says "i think i left
an electron here lastnight"
<@guinea-pig> and the bartender says "are you positive?"
<sunny> hahahahaha
<mikegrb> that is awesome
<@guinea-pig> yes, we are geeks

<Thero> WHAT THE FUCK
<Thero> i just got yelled at for eating ham
<Thero> WHY ARE MY PARENTS PISSED ABOUT ME EATING HAM
<Thero> i didn't eat the ham to begin with
<Neon-azi> did you eat it on a plane?
<Thero> no?
<Neon-azi> did you eat it on a train?
<Thero> ....
<|silicon> did you eat it on a bar?
<wind> did you eat it in a car?
<hydro> did you eat it in a box?
<hydro> OR WITH A FOX?

Impure Mathematics
------ -----------
To prove once and for all that math can be fun, we
present: Wherein it is related how that paragon of womanly
virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that
notorious villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh horror!!!)
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was
strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the
boundary
of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and
her
mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never
enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however,
who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling
particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the
basis
that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the
complex
elements. Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides.
Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor.
Quite suddendly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a
single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of
directrix, and went completely divergent. As she tripped over
a
square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged
headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once
more,
she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a
non-Euclidean
space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator,
Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her
curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his
face.
He wondered, "Was she still convergent?" He decided to
integrate properly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and
saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated.
She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative
that he was bent on no good.
"Arcsinh," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said, "What a symmetric little asymptote
you have I can see you angles have lots of secs."
"Oh sir," she protested, "keep away from me I haven't
got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your
fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but
homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm
absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "let's off to a decimal place
I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew.
His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a
log until she was powerless, Curly removed her
discontinuities.
He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out
her
points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was
now her only hope. She felt his digits tending to her
asymptotic
limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator.
Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He
integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After
he cofactored, he performed runge - kutta on her. The complex
beast even went all the way around and did a contour
integration. What an indignity - to be multiply connected on
her first integration. Curly went on operating until he
completely satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and
became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that
she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated
in several places But it was to late to differentiate now. As
the months went by, Polly's denominator increased
monotonically.
Finally she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but
pathological function which left surds all over the place and
drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this: "If you want to
keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single
degree of freedom."

<TheDarkOfKnight> When I was a seinor in high school we had to
make a video and had to have blood packs. The best blood packs
are made from condoms.
<TheDarkOfKnight> We had the following on the checkout
counter: 1 Box of Trojan Magnum condoms, 2 Bottles of Corn
oil, 4 Bottles of red food color, 2 Super 8 video cassettes
and 1 Roll of duct tape.
<TheDarkOfKnight> I have never before gotten weirder looks.

<Dream Caller> CNN - Three teenagers beat a mentally retarded
man to death.
<Striker> $5 says they blame it on video games
<Adventurer> Yeah we all know that popular game where you kill
retards (/sarcasm)
<Thrasher> You've obviously never played counterstrike then.

<korb> anyone got a nuked vers of kof2000n??
<korb> anyone got a nuked vers of kof2000n???
<blazemore> quick, add more question marks, i think it's
working

<Claws> Disabled people are the greatest.
<Claws> I have a friend who is in a wheel chair and he has the
most awesome sense of humour ever.
<Claws> The other day two of my other friends were having an
argument about something trivial, one of them turned to him
and said "You'll stand up for me won't you"
<Claws> He just looked him straight in the eye and with the
straightest face you'll ever see, said "Only if your name's
Jesus"

<Kathleen> wtflolz
<Alex> lololorz
<Kevin> lol]
<Alex> haga
<Alex> 0wneef
<Kathleen> omg y3s.
<[X]> Is this some sort of idiot mating ritual? Should I get
the Discovery Channel in here with cameras?

<Matt> A catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a
bar.
<Matt> He orders a beer.

<mcsuede> so i was half way through drinking a dr pepper
<mcsuede> and my wife sexed me so i fell asleep
<mcsuede> and when i woke up she had drank my dr pepper
<mcsuede> it was the last one
<mcsuede> i fear it was a plot

<[BAD]Beef> I AM SO SMART
<[BAD]Beef> follow my reasoning
<[BAD]Beef> my comp has no floppy drive
<[BAD]Beef> so I go downstairs to make a boot floppy on
another comp
<[BAD]Beef> I come back in my room with the floppy in my hand
<[BAD]Beef> and bang my head against the wall

<@kitten`> Scientists have determined that the average time
for intercourse is four minutes. The average number of strokes
per minute is nine, and since the average length of the penis
is six inches, the average female received two hundred and
sixteen inches or fifteen feet per intercourse. Three times
per week, fifty two weeks in a year, so, 150 times 18 makes
2700 feet, or just over a mile and a half. If you are not
getting your mile and a half, why not let me help out
<Ritontor> strokes per minute is 9?
<i> rofl
<m0zz> 4 minutes?
<revva> lol
<Ritontor> what the deuce?
<m0zz> 4 minutes is average!?
<kb_DeAd> the average length of the male penis is 15cm
<i> well since i got at least 9 inches, you should be getting
2 and a 1/4 miles
<@mima> like 4 min is way too short
<kb_DeAd> the average depth of a female vagina is 18cm
<kb_DeAd> goin on current population
<kb_DeAd> australia has 12,367 feet of unused pussy
<i> hang on... work out the average amount of cum we shoot up
a bitch each time
<i> and we can work out miles per gallon
<Mad-Cow> rofl
<@catinahat> heAe Ahe AEHA EhaEH
<@catinahat> youre all fucked up

<kolby> learn so grahmar(sp? ;[) and get back to me

<Lt_Tinkle> lolololololol
<Lt_Tinkle> i have my mincraft log viewable as a webpage
<Lt_Tinkle> and someone did html injection
<Lt_Tinkle> by talking inside minecraft
<Lt_Tinkle> and made it redirect to meatspin
<Lt_Tinkle> when i find out who it was
<Lt_Tinkle> i shall make them an op

<monami> my boss is okay except for the following scenario
that we have to play out four or five times a year :
<monami> Act I
<monami> BOSS: Do A.
<monami> ME: If we do A, B will occur.
<monami> BOSS: I don't care, do it anyways.
<monami> Act II
<monami> BOSS: OH MY GOD, B HAS HAPPENED.
<monami> ME: sigh

CascadeOrca: HAPPY FATHERS DAY!
Lerxs: indeed
CascadeOrca: I don't have a real father
CascadeOrca: so you're all my dad today
CascadeOrca: Congratulations.
Sixteen Bit Hero has left the room.
CascadeOrca: damnit, just like my real father
clash103 has left the room.
CascadeOrca: DADDIES! NOOOES!
Wiggidiba has left the room.

<Keolah> whats up?
<Zarggg> A direction away from the center of gravity of a
celestial object.

<BlackHawk> LULU: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
no titties
<LULU> You wear pants don't you?

<Devilbunny>  I just got back from a team-building meeting at
work.  There was pizza and the managers did karaoke, and we
played games.
<Devilbunny>  We played Cranium, basically a team based
trivial pursit, with cards like "draw a picture and have your
team guess what it is," or "hum this song and have your team
guess."
<Devilbunny>  The last card was charades, for the word
"hormone"
<Devilbunny>  ...
<Devilbunny>  So, next week's meeting will be sensitivity
training.

Rude: holy shit people take everything the wrong way. I was
having dinner, so when I get back to the comp my buddy asks
what I was doing. so i told him, and he's like "oh yeah? that
your code name for jacking off nowadays?"
Rude: then just now i was jacking off and someone asked what I
was doing, so I told em i was jerking, and they're like "lmao,
so what're you actually doing? making dinner or someshit?"
Rude: I'm just going to make shit up from now on :/

<Siege>: Omg theres this really hot girl at my school.
<WarHawk>: Aww. Siegebear is in wuv.
<Siege>:Everytime she smiles i wanna cum all over her face.
<WarHawk>: Whoa

<XenThra> I locked my keys in my car in front of planned
parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a
clothes hangar.
<DevXen> Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

tarheelborn15: Eminem is the greatest rapper alive.
Luda848: Holy Shit....How many rappers have died today????

<eltawater> anyone know the name of a (mathematical) function
which calculates how many times a number M fits into a number
N?
<eltawater> i.e. 20,4 = 5
<eltawater> ?
<Biddle> Division?
<AlleyCat> divisor
<eltawater> er
<eltawater> *smacks head into desk*

<reva> so I was babysitting my cousin's kid the other day. 
who's like, 15 months old.
<reva> he was trying to get up on the computer chair, so i put
him up there.
<reva> he just starts randomly banging on the keyboard
randomly
<reva> and the first thing that pops up says "Are you sure you
want to delete Internet Explorer?" 
<reva> I hit "no" (because it's my parents computer).
<reva> so he starts hitting more keys...
<reva> the next thing that comes up: "Are you sure you want to
delete Outlook Express?"
<reva> ...I've never had more hope for humanity than that
moment.

SMB61890: have u heard bout that earthquake stuff under the
sea
Fairies Exist90: no is ariel ok?
SMB61890: i dont kno how to spell the name of it
Fairies Exist90: and king triton?
SMB61890: what?
Fairies Exist90: and sebastian?
Fairies Exist90: and flounder?
Fairies Exist90: ARE THEY OK?!

<TheVirus> So I had a girlfriend for all of 9 months. She
dropped
by one afternoon when I was sick with a pan of
brownies and a video
tape with the simpsons on it (my favorite show). so
I start eating
the brownies and turn on the tape. midway through
it, it cuts to
her sucking off some dude. he nuts in her mouth,
she looks at the
camera, and says "you're dumped. enjoy the
brownies" - and spits
the mouthful of cum into a bowl of brownie mix.
<alexandr-> you didn't keep eating the brownies did you?
<TheVirus> sure did
<TheVirus> i was hungry

sterano: Whats the difference between Raid_0 and Raid_1?
Steve: In Raid_0 the zero stands for how many files you are
going to get back if something goes wrong.

<AVX885> i'm going to break up with my girlfriend, she is
cheating on me
<sprtzntm77> dude, this is perfect... ok heres what you do
<sprtzntm77> dont mention this to her, and get in her pants
one last time, make it really rough.
<AVX 885> i like where this is going..
<sprtzntm77> right, so.. fuck her nice and rough-like and just
before she is about to cum, pull out.
<AVX 885> haha, go on
<sprtzntm77> pull out and dont say a word. Go get your pants
and put em back on, and say somthing along the lines of "i
dont think our relationship is gonna work out, im breaking up
with you. goodbye"
<AVX 885> HAHA, nice!
<sprtzntm77> so keep an emotionless face and dont respond to
anything she says. While your putting on your socks, mutter
somthing about forgetting to pick up your syphilis
antibiotics. That'll really get her freaked out.
<AVX 885> LMAO! This is golden, i have to pull this off..
<sprtzntm77> dude.. before this all goes down.. i'll hide
either under the bed or in the closet. While your on your way
to the door, turn around and say, "hey mark, shes not gonna go
for the DP, were leaving.. lets go."  I'll get out from under
the bed, look pissed off and follow you out the door.
<AVX 885> this is golden.. haha and I could just imagine her
sitting there spread eagle on the bed with the most awesome
expression of shock and awe on her face. I should take a
picture as im walking out the door and mail it to her parents.
<sprtzntm77> Fuck, if we pull this off, it will be the best
breakup scenario ever. She deserves it too.
<AVX 885> Yes, this is a warning women everywhere.. dont cheat
on me, for I will seek my sweet revenge.

<Runter> If I ever become ruler of the world
<Runter> I'm going to hold huge "Where's Waldo" contests
<Runter> Dress one guy up as waldo and put him in a crowd of
like 1000 people
<Runter> and get people from helicopters to try to find him
<Runter> to win they have to shoot him
<Jay> Why would you have to shoot him?
<Runter> Because I've always wanted to fucking kill waldo. I
mean seriously who doesn't fucking hate him?
<Jay> I don't
<Runter> Well then, do you like dress-up?

@(DonoftheDead) They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards
you hear satanic messages. That's nothing, because if you play
it forwards it installs Windows.

Stacy: Raymond is correct.
Raymond: I always am
Esuna: Raymond, what number am I thinking of?
Raymond: Esuna, you're not thinking of a number
Raymond: You're thinking of something to say when I do say a
number.
Esuna: Damn it! How'd you know?

Deus_Gear: its time to play
Deus_Gear: random kick
Deus_Gear: !kick random
*** Deus_Gear has been kicked from #illuminati-manga by
Deus_Gear: Deus_Gear

UsMc-LiTe: OMFG I JUST GOT A GF!!!!!!!!!
AkIrAgOrN909: Sadly folks, hes talking about the Grandfather
sword in Diablo 2.

<Reaver_Reload> This reminds me of a time back in college,
where one of my friends who was really dumb, she was crying
one day and i asked her what was wrong. Turns out she broke up
with her boyfriend, but she wouldnt say why.
<Reaver_Reload> I convinced her to tell me, and apparently she
was talking with her other two friends about their boyfriends.
one friend was complaining how cold her boyfriends nuts were
when she was giving him head, and the other one agreed that
her boyfriend's were really cold as well. (their boyfriends
names are richard and thomas btw)
<Reaver_Reload> So she says she has never given head and the
other two encourage her to do it, saying its a 'great way to
keep a guy'
<Reaver_Reload> Just two days later apparently she ran crying
to her friends and they asked her what was wrong, and she said
"I tried giving him a blow job, he was enjoying it at first
but then he just got up and left and said we were over before
i had even finished!"
<Reaver_Reload> concerned, her two friends asked her what was
wrong.. turns out she said "Wow, your balls are really warm.."
and he asked "why? is that bad?" and she goes "oh no its just
that richards and thomases' balls are really cold"

<TotAffen> On a scale from 1 to 10, I'm so drunk.

*** NeoCid[nothere] is now known as NeoCid
[learninggermanhistory]
<imag|WC3> I thought it said "learning nigger man history" at
first

<ancho> do girls like it if you stick your hand up there ass??
<ancho> hurry plz.. im in the middle of something

<Perrin> FUCKING CANDY BAG
<Perrin> OPEN
<Perrin> OPEN]
<Perrin> OPEN
<Perrin> ARHAGHAHGS
<Perrin> NO
<Perrin> NOT DOWN THE SIDE
<Perrin> FARHAHFANSKDFASD

<Xenecrite> Guys, I found the greatest glitch!
<Xenecrite> It's one of those ads where you have to hit the
target.
<Xenecrite> You can click anywhere on it and you STILL get the
prize!
<Xenecrite> 53 free laptops for me!

<CommanderStab> Lee (Bleeding) had this cool-sounding lecturer
once
<CommanderStab> They were in like some biology class or
whatever and the guy was like
<CommanderStab> "Very few species partake in sex for pleasure.
Can you think of some such species?"
<CommanderStab> So everyone is like, duh, humans
<CommanderStab> "Yes, exactly, humans! Humans are not bound by
some mating pattern, they will often merely have sex just for
the enjoyment of it!"
<Kaneda> ^^
<CommanderStab> "So, for example, if I was to ask this girl"
(points to some girl in the first row) "if she would have sex
with me, she would say yes"
<Tiger-Rik> lol ^^"
<CommanderStab> and the girl is like covering her face and
everything =D
<CommanderStab> And then the dude waits for the laughter to
die down and goes
<CommanderStab> "Of course, this is rare. Most of the time it
is the GIRL who asks ME to have sex with THEM!"
<CommanderStab> He got an ovation =D
<Tiger-Rik> BWAHAHAHAHA

-!- Spudnewt [MacroKILLA@S01060004e2286ac3.wp.shawcable.net]
has
joined #nanog
<Spudnewt> These goddamn trolls interrupting my flow. These
niggas
don't respek us with a +o.  They gotta color spam
and fake
invite, bombing with asciis in yellow on white.  
Shit
yeah. it's bright, you 12 year old kiddie.  You
ain't got
pubes and you ain't seen titty.  I'll jupe your
chans and
ban your ass.  Don't message me with plz unban,
your chance
has passed!  Other opers crappin up our relay net.
<Spudnewt> Why haven't you delinked your 386 yet? ircd needs
xeons and
dual cpus.  When it comes to irc hardware, you
can't be a
jew.  Shit, nobody knows the trouble I've seen.  On
invites
for websites with naked teens.   Begs for ops and
packet
attacks.  Shit from users who use vi, not emacs. 
Another
long day of patrolling the IRC.  Eating my doritos,
and
having a jerk, I chat with TheWalrus and #nanog
faggots.
<Spudnewt> All this niggas do is complain "the lag it's-- 
bad, chat
is slow, and we're getting harassed."  Shit,
trolls, this
k-line is your last.  Once more and it's "G" and
you're
gone for good.   Banned from the internet chatting
neighbourhood.  It's lonely at the top. Just me and
CHANFIX.  Day in and day out. Banning trolls with
my linux.
We give safe harbor to chatters world wide.
<Spudnewt> From pedophiles to hacker thieves.  Yeah, I won't
lie:  IRC
is a cesspool of e-misfits.  EazyCheezes and
bagel-cutters
like that nigga BitS.  But at least we're the best.
Disagree and you're gone.  BRB, mom just told me
gotta mow
the lawn.
-!- Spudnewt [MacroKILLA@S01060004e2286ac3.wp.shawcable.net]
has left
#nanog []
-!- mode/#nanog [+b spudnewt!*@*] by nar
<Darkcyde> someone give that guy a record deal

<+FHC_> why is it guns are legal in america but a school
shooter will miss most of his targets, but guns illegal in
germany and the fuckers hit everything they aim at
<@Sauce> american kids know how to strafe

<BChikapa> wan 2 cybar?
<Calisa> We have sex three times, it's fun, I get pregnant,
Jimmy needs a daddy.
<BChikapa> I refuse to pay child support, and lengthy leagal
battles ensue.
<Calisa> Jimmy becomes torn by his dashed hopes of having a
father, so he murders you while you're sleeping on the job at
the toll booth.
<BChikapa> All my family members despise me, and as a result
no one has any money to pay for my disposal.
<BChikapa> I am unceremoniously dumped into the Hudson River,
wrapped in a cheap plastic tarp.

<@Beramode> nall?
<+Nall> Huh?
<@Beramode> are you outside my apartment?
<@Beramode> it sounds like someone's raping a duck out there,
but i don't wanna look, so i had to ask.
<+Nall> ...Are you room 7F?
<@Beramode> maybe..
<@Beramode> are you raping a duck?
<+Nall> maybe..

(@Blaxthos) CANTON, Georgia (AP) -- Christmas is still going
strong for 14-year-old Nick Waters.
(@Blaxthos) When the boy's church asked what he wanted for
Christmas, Nick, who cannot talk and was born with no arms,
slowly typed his reply with his feet: Lots of Christmas cards.
Ten thousand of them.
(@Blaxthos) jesus christ
(@Blaxthos) ASK FOR ARMS DUMBASS

<knightmare> sixtho I challenge you to IRC DDR!
<sixtho> ummm ok
<knightmare> + ddrbot start 10
<DDRBot> Game Started!
<DDRBot> <
<knightmare> <
<sixtho> <
<DDRBot> ^^
<knightmare> ^^
<sixtho> ^^
<DDRBot> vvv
<knightmare> vvv
<sixtho> wtf
<DDRBot> knightmare wins!
<knightmare> ?
<sixtho> where the shit is the down arrow
<knightmare> ...

<@Matt> 10 things men know about women.....
<@Matt> 1.
<@Matt> 2.
<@Matt> 3.
<@Matt> 4.
<@Matt> 5.
<@Matt> 6.
<@Matt> 7.
<@Matt> 8.
<@Matt> 9.
<@Matt> 10. Women have tits

<Megistos> I once gave someone what amounted to a virus over
IRC
<Megistos> it was a mIRC script that allowed us to remotely
execute mIRC commands
<Megistos> what a fool
<Megistos> At first we just made him say stuff in channels
<Megistos> then we realised mIRC could talk to the whole
system with /run
<Megistos> hence this immortal line
<Shiyiya> Heh
<Megistos> <lbal> wtf, i come back from css to find 63
calculators open
<Shiyiya> lmao

<Snoper> how do i find the book I want
<Vultar> Type "@find bookname"
<Snoper> "@find bookname"
<Snoper> It didnt do anything. now what do I do ?
<Vultar> Tell your parents that cousins shouldn't marry...

<[-Blacksword-]> brb, dishes have developed their own language
and are talking to the garbage about overthrowing me... i must
correct this

<SpitZ> this sms was sent by a friend of mine
<SpitZ> Sally mr. pls,2wedding
<SpitZ> What's that supposed to mean?
<crazhee> i think it read as "Sally mist'er period. please
comma to wedding"

* Trog starts singing "My little pony, my little pony"
* Mezir shoves a little pony up an orifice of Trog's choice
<Trog> yours

<Shempo> ...do I have to set the drive to
like...master..slave..blahblahblahb...o.O
<ShadowRage> slave
<ShadowRage> look at the jumpers on it
<ShadowRage> there will either be an M or an S, or just mater
or slave
<ShadowRage> pop the jumpter on slave
<ShadowRage> jumper*
<ShadowRage> if it's the primary hd, then master
<Shempo> Well...Rawr..
<Shempo> I plugged the bitch im
<Shempo> in8
<Shempo> in*
<Shempo> it rawred at me
<Shempo> CLIIIKC CLICKCLIIICCK
<Shempo> ..now what?
<ShadowRage> access the bios
<ShadowRage> (either escape, f1 or delete when your computer
first powers on)
<Shempo> yea..
<Shempo> and?
<ShadowRage> what kinda BIOS do you have?
<Shempo> dunno
<ShadowRage> this is on an older machine?
<Shempo> 1 year
<ShadowRage> hmmm
<ShadowRage> ok, are you in the bios?
<Shempo> ..no
<Shempo> That'd require restarting.
<ShadowRage> ... you added this HD with the computer on?!
<Shempo> >.>
<Shempo> <.<
<Shempo> :D
<ShadowRage> ..on your current machine?
<ShadowRage> right now?
<Shempo> o.o
<ShadowRage>
.....................................................
<Shempo> Run?
<ShadowRage> lowkey: give me the learnin' stick.
<Shempo> ...
<Shempo> :(
<Shempo> The 2x4?
* ShadowRage smacks Shempo with a 2 by 4
<Shempo> :(
<Shempo> Yea...dumb mistake..
<ShadowRage> ....you seriously plugged it in with the machine
ON?!
<Shempo> Possibly harmful?
<ShadowRage> ......
<ShadowRage> yes
<ShadowRage> very
<Shempo> o.o
<ShadowRage> ..it's a surprise your computer didnt explode and
kill you in the process.

<Mercy> It's (assassinate the president) fun to annoy (charter
a plane, pentagon) the NSA by (shoot George Bush) inserting
crap into innocent (blow up congress) sentences.
<Mercy> Or so I've been (nuke Washington) told.
<@Ixnorp> One would think that the NSA would have slightly
more advanced filtering techniques than regexp.
* Mercy Quit (Ping timeout)
<@Ixnorp> Or maybe not.

<BigMac> Omg, My dad s just died suddenly in hospital 
<BigMac> I m gonna go see his corpse in the morgue 
<Pleston> I doubt that.
<BigMac> What?
<Pleston> Well, firstly, any person would go see their father
BEFORE mourning to us about it.
<Pleaston> Secondly, I remember your other father dying about
two weeks ago, on another chat.
** BigMac has quit (quit: Stfu)
<Pleaston> Thought so

<tgr> i told my girlfriend that she's "math girl, doer of
math: unable to integrate with society, only with functions of
x"
<tgr> and guys, this is why she's my girlfriend. she said:
<tgr> "i could do a u substitution..."

<shaft`> I bought it through a special deal at work
<Guilty> The deal where you put what you can under your
jacket?

<|P0SiX|> you version'd me because?
<Valin> Because I wanted to see if you are one of those damn
Microsoft OS users. You are, and you shouldn't have any nick
that has anything to do with the better OSes (the free,
unix-like OSes) because anything affiliated with those OSes
are too good for the likes of you to soil
<|P0SiX|> [Valin VERSION reply]: mIRC32 v5.41

<nxn> dude I'm playing tic tac toe with this chick over a
doodle drawing thing
<nxn> I put down an X in the middle and she's like "OMFG
CAMPER!!"

<Cyberllam> I want to get a bumper sticker that says "Honk if
you think I am doing an excellant job driving." Then I can cut
people off and they won't know what to do.

<Viperz> I don't know what to write on my college application
for community service that I've done...
<SG> Priest in World of Warcraft

<Elle> There are two PhDs playing Lego Star Wars II in my
living room, and neither of them can figure out how to get
past the first level

* rabid_si is going AFK.
* rabid_si is now known as rabid_si[AFK]
<DopeHat> Rabid is going to anally fist Kao.
<rabid_si[AFK]> Rabid_Si isn't here right now DopeHat.
* because_he_is_busy_wanking has joined #infinity
<because_he_is_busy_wanking> Rabid
<rabid_si[AFK]> Rabid_Si isn't here right now
because_he_is_busy_wanking.

<spil0ink> is it pronounced live or live?
<Shit_Pifter> live
<spil0ink> thanks
<Shit_Pifter> np

<narg> So my sister is about to enter college, and she was
telling everyone her room number - 404.
<narg> Then one day, she was looking at a college letter with
my parents, and she's like crap, my room number is 414!
<narg> Reflexivly, I said if people went there, they would be
like 404: Julie not found.
<narg> No one even looked my way ;(

<laertes> NAPLES, Italy (Reuters) - Christmas has never tasted
this good. Thirty-two pastry chefs in the southern Italian
city of Naples unveiled on Saturday what they say is the
biggest ever nativity scene made entirely of chocolate.
<skolex> sweet jesus

SweetPeaches708: i can hack ur comp and send u a virus if u
dont tell the truth and dont stop scaring my friend
SweetPeaches708: s
SweetPeaches708: my dad works for aol
SweetPeaches708: i know how to do these type of things
aedenww2: omg
aedenww2: hahahahahahahahahaha
aedenww2: BASH.ORG

<Erasmus> You know how you can really annoy a trekkie fan when
you're watching Star Trek? Suddenly point at the screen and
shout "Hey, isn't that Captain Jon Luc Skywalker?!"
<Erasmus> You can actually see them wince as the mix up causes
them physical pain.
<Erasmus> You then wait till they've spent ten minutes
explaining to you (in minute detail) the difference between
Star Wars and Star Trek, pretend to think deeply for a minute,
and say: "but he is a Jedi, right?"
<Erasmus> This can cause instant cardiac arrest in some of the
more hardcore Trekkie fans.

<syc> buddy of mine licked a motherboard once while the
machine was running
<syc> no problems
<Skiz> I disagree
<Skiz> your friend has problems

<sword> i have the perfect girlfriend
<jon334> girlfriends are never perfect, m8
<sword> well last night while she was giving me a back massage
she asked me whether i wanted anything to eat or a blowjob or
both. i said that im a bit tired so she got me a beer from the
fridge and said that i should make myself comfortable
<sword> cause she still hadnt finished my home assignment for
the PHP class and she wanted to check /. too
<jon334> she good looking?
<sword> id say so, yea
<jon334> MARRY HER! NOW

<`Neonjoe`> http://www.weatherunderground.com/
<`Neonjoe`> hardcore
<vigz0r> its too hard to be normal weather
<vigz0r> they had to go UNDERGROUND
<cooter> dude they tell u the independant weather, not the
fuckin main stream sellout bullshit weather

ZA|Drinking|: I remember in high school, during somebody made
an off hand remark about wondering why they sacrificed virgins
ZA|Drinking|: And I was all like, they sure as hell ain't
going to give up the ones that put out
ZA|Drinking|: And then I got detention

<django23> I have a stupid question: what does "sendmail" do?
<Epesh> django: you're right, that is pretty stupid

<MJak> whats that movie with the the planet full of talking
apes?
<Nitrix> Planet of the apes...?
<Mjak> Yah the one where the space guy crash lands there whats
it called
<Nitrix> Planet of the apes...?
<Mjak> YES BUT WHATS THE FUCKING NAME OF THE MOVIE

<Czarina> I've always had a hard time picturing hamsters in
the wild. I get this mental image of a horde of them devouring
a cow or something.

Be1ial: remember the old arcade games that had a message from
the president about saying no to drugs?
Krizkor: haha yeah.
Krizkor: because of that blue screen before mortal kombat, i
stayed off drugs.
Krizkor: but unfortunately, i began pulling people's spines
out.

<Gargantua> I use php and c
<twat> I use pcp and H.

dantose: Do u get a trophy 4 it????
rocker576: It occurs to me that typing "u" instead of "you"
and "4" instead of "for" saved you 4 (not "for") keystrokes.
Typing "????" instead of "?" used 3 keystrokes plus the use of
the shift button for a total of 4 keystrokes. Thus, you have
saved no effort whatsoever by kicking the English language.

<rzrshrp> I want food
<NickBlasta> build more farms

<ColdRage687> do you like psychiatry
<Avs4Cup2K3> my mom's a psychiatrist
<ColdRage687> i dont
<ColdRage687> i used to think the brain was the most
fascinating part of the body
<ColdRage687> but then i realized
<ColdRage687> pssssh
<ColdRage687> look whats telling me that

<pengrate> Because, contrary to Window's opinion, searching
the internet for ethernet drivers does not go over so well

<Psi> pancakes!
<Psi> :D
<Psi> is there anyone who doesn't like them?
<Fenris> nazis.
<Fenris> but you can't blame them.
<Fenris> the only reason they invaded belgium was for the
waffles.
<Fenris> those fuckers love waffles.

<sp4nk> I once knew this guy who kept a dream journal.
<sp4nk> Some little spiral notebook he'd keep by his bed.
<martyr> haha nice
<sp4nk> I'd get waken up in the middle of the night and find
him writing shit in it. At 3 AM.
<sp4nk> Told me it was so he could remember the lucid dreams
he had the following morning.
<sp4nk> So one night at about 1, I decided to have a look.
<sp4nk> As I suspected, full of shit about meeting dead people
and flying across the Atlantic Ocean.
<sp4nk> He was asleep at the time, of course.
<sp4nk> So I grabbed a pencil and made my own entry.
<martyr> ROFL
<sp4nk> Something along the lines of: OH MY GOD I WANT YOUR
BLOOD SATAN PLEASE LIBERATE ME FROM MY WRETCHED LIFE
<sp4nk> I swear, he was shaking the rest of that day.

<enex> MadHatter: eat shit!
<MadHatter> what
<MadHatter> fuck you
<enex> oh
<enex> hi
<MadHatter> yeah hey
<enex> what's up
<MadHatter> nothing man

<JakBauer> oh thats right, we could only use 8 char nicks on
efnet.
<CactusJac> 9 chars
<kuribo> cactus...
<kuribo> you're on altnet now
<kuribo> JUST ADD THE FREAKING K
<CactusJac> no
<kuribo> ADD IT
<CactusJac> OK
*** CactusJac is now known as CacktusJac

McViC0 0 97: is your mom there?
DarkEternal37: hey hey
DarkEternal37: lets try to have ONE conversation without a
your mom joke
DarkEternal37: k?
McViC0 0 97: i'll try
DarkEternal37: me too
McViC0 0 97: but i promise ntohing
DarkEternal37: im listening to adam's song
McViC0 0 97: im listenign to the sound of your mom moaning
McViC0 0 97: oh fuck
DarkEternal37: havent heard it in so long
McViC0 0 97: i messed up
DarkEternal37: I FUCKING HATE YOU
McViC0 0 97: lol
McViC0 0 97: it slipped i swear
DarkEternal37: you lasted fucking 23 SECONDS
DarkEternal37: i hope you last longer in bed
DarkEternal37: for my moms sake

<DaMouse> HP should make weaponry
<zid`> nah
<zid`> the ammo would cost more than the gun

*** Now talking in #12-15yrz
<Salamander> Hi all!!
<Petri> Hi a/s/l?
<Salamander> 53/m/CA
<Petri> I think ur in the rong place
<Salamander> Oh no, I dont think I am...

prettykittikat: Im going 2 the club 2night
Syric 2005: im going 2 lern 2 tipe 2nite 2
prettykittikat: what?
Syric 2005: Exactly

* ion has joined #sp
<ion> today's my birthday
<deMoN> yo happy bday man ;)
<ion> thanks, my dad brought me a new case home from his work
today
<ion> ok, it's not a new case, it's my old one...i didnt like
the gray metal frame so i wanted to change the color
<plague> What color?
<ion> gold. i was going to spray paint it, but it would have
ended up melting. so my dad said he'd take it to work
<ion> he works at this metal coating place
<ion> just brought it home today. looks awesome
<plague> So you have a gold plated tower?
<ion> no it's not gold...something else...let me go ask
<ion> copper. it's copper
<plague> Copper plated?? Is it running right now?
<ion> no dude...on my other pc..i just finished hooking up the
mobo and stuff, i'm about to start it
<ion> stand back
<plague> Before you turn it on...I think you should know
something...
* ion has quit IRC (No Route to Host)
<plague> Copper is a conductor of electricity.
<deMoN> think we should have told him?
<zeff> nah, it's funnier this way.
<plague> of course...<>
Note: the fuse box in his house was fried. knocked the power
out.

(@damned) one time, my mom asked me if she copied something,
and then unplugged the mouse and plugged it into another
computer she could paste it

DBO: the guy in the middle lane is blasting his music full
blast
DBO: so loud I cant hear my own music with the windows up
DBO: I mean really FREAKING loud
DBO: I look over at him and give him a nasty look
DBO: and then I see something on the car on the other side of
him
DBO: its a note
DBO: written on cardboard
DBO: help up against the window
Muz: Yes...and?
DBO: "You music sucks, your stereo is too damn loud, and I'm
sorry you have a tiny penis"
DBO: he turned it down after that

<popemichael> I'm thinking about drinking a little tonight
too. It might make my pain pills work better.
<jamie> Isn't there a "do not take with alcohol" warning on
your pill bottle?
<popemichael> It's okay, I took it off.

<Loonacy> Apple dumped the geek/hobbyist market to go after
the highly profitable moron/trendy market.

<Elysium> I think I need to watch some porn for luck
<gNaRKiLL> doesnt work
<gNaRKiLL> id be the luckiest fucker alive
<gNaRKiLL> id shit leprachauns

<Ki> HAHAHAHA I DID IT HAHAHA FUCKERS
<Ki> I ASSEMBLED THE BED
<Mellis> hmm?
<Mellis> congratulations you're a level 2 Ikeamancer

<rompiku> I think I am going to wait until the hacker is in my
computer, then I will disconnect from the internet and trap
him inside

<LogicalThought> Having a girls head on your chest is one of
the best feelings ever
<The_Opinion> Especially when it's still attached.

<zetec> I don't think it's physically possible to both laugh
and ejaculate at the same time.
<zetec> But I plan on finding out.
* zetec is away - midget porn.

orangemunky: yes, but can you spell
antidisestablishmentarianism???
Q-13: I can now, dumbass!
orangemunky: ........
orangemunky: shit

(Mutiny) Atarax: you ate a americum disk from a smoke
detector?
(Atarax) Mutiny: yeah
(Mutiny) Atarax: why?
(Atarax) Mutiny: I thought it would give me special powers.
(Mutiny) Atarax: what did it do to you?
(Atarax) Mutiny: well, it didn't give me any special powers,
but it didn't kill me either
(Atarax) Darwin must be spinning in his grave
(Atarax) "why is that fuck still alive"

<peer> Bad timing is when you are running late and you get all
the red lights
<+FyreDaug> Nah, bad timing is what happened yesterday
<+FyreDaug> One of my girl friends was over and she asked me
to do something and I was doing something on my computer
already so I said "just gimmie another sec"
<+FyreDaug> and shes like "aw cmon I've given you lots of secs
already!"
<+FyreDaug> as my mom was walking upstairs where the computer
room is. She just looked at me funny and walked away

<dessman> man both Tesla and Newton were lifelong virgins
<dessman> am i the only one who sees the link?
<m0nd0m> you believe you're going to be a great scientist?

<Green> So I got in my car
<Green> and there was birdshit on my windsheild
<Green> so i got a paper towel and got out to wipe it off
<Green> but it wouldn't come off
<Green> and thats when I realized it was on the INSIDE
<Green> I had a hard time getting to sleep that night

RonilWazlib: man that sucked
RonilWazlib: if your girlfriend tells you she feels fat and
hugs you for moral support, do not start jiggling her butt in
an attempt to find the natural frequency of fat
RonilWazlib: and if she asks, DO NOT tell her what you are
doing

<rawrkitty> so today i did something awesome
<rawrkitty> i set a bag of shit on fire
<rawrkitty> and it smelled like shit
<Tabi-chan> How'd the person react?
<rawrkitty> huh
<Tabi-chan> The person who's porch you left it on
<rawrkitty> why the fuck would i do that? thats stupid

<@Xenon> You know what the best feeling in the world is?
<@Xenon> It is when you have a headache, and you take pills,
and you can feel the pain becoming less and less every couple
of minutes
<@Xenon> It's so satisfying
<@malevolence> you've clearly never been laid

<diego>: yea
<diego>: he says he takes four hours to masturbate
<nate>: O.O
<nate>: now THAT'S endurance
<nate>: well, not endurance
<nate>: endurance implies something admirable... it's more
like... "stamina"
<diego>: well id like to see YOU stroke it up and down for
four hours
<diego>: wait
<diego>: wait
<diego>: no
<diego>: damnit
<nate>: ...
<nate>: wow, and i even got it in writing

<Chalklatemilk> ok so im wacking off to a video of two
lesbians fucking eachother
<Chalklatemilk> then i hear my mom walking down the hall to
this room
<Chalklatemilk> so i quickly close the video
<Chalklatemilk> then she walks in and im sitting with my pants
down, left hand around the cock, and she looks at me...then
looks at the screen...my desktop was open and had three naked
gnomes standing by a fireplace...the look on her face as she
left the room will stick with me till the day i die.

<Robyn> then we realised that james had fucked with the bunsen
burner
<Robyn> and set the lab on fire
<Robyn> penis ensued
<tempura> ...penis?
<Robyn> panic
<Robyn> PANIC
<Robyn> shit

<mh_> str8 up mf i was afkin 4 a sec & that mutha goes all
stfu on me
<mh_> wtf? 4 nothin at all
* harm consults Oxford's Non-Abridged Gangsta Abbreviations
Explicator
<mh_> gtof
* harm consults harder

<g[b]> moooooooooootherfucker
<Firas> ...
<Firas> g[b]: before that punchline we need the setup, e.g.
"what do you call a cow with an oedipus complex", etc.

<OmegaHedgehog> Haha, a very funny thing happened to my cousin
right before Christmas
<OmegaHedgehog> My cousin was watching South Park with me,
something he really isn't supposed to be doing
<OmegaHedgehog> The episode where Cartman thinks a dildo is a
sports watch was on
<OmegaHedgehog> So he goes and writes down 'dildo' on his list
to Santa
<OmegaHedgehog> His dad goes and reads it and freaks out, and
goes up to ask him where he heard what a dildo was
<OmegaHedgehog> He replies with "I heard Cartman talk about it
on TV. It's something like a sports watch, right?"
<OmegaHedgehog> So his dad (my uncle) tells him it's a
chocolate chip cookie, and asks my aunt to make him some
<OmegaHedgehog> So the next day he goes to school, and here's
the best part
<OmegaHedgehog> He gets up in front of the whole class and
tells them about how his mom gave him her biggest dildos and
how yummy they were

<Nietzche> what kind of weird keyboard are you using
<Nietzche> dvorak or something
<Nietzche> BECAUSE GUESS WHAT
<Nietzche> IM USING QUERTY
<Nietzche> QWERTY
<Nietzche> omg
<Nietzche> how can i misspell qwerty
<Nietzche> >_>

(^[QuRvE]^) its freezing in my class
(xyst) qurve is freezing his ass?
(bc) qurve is freaking in my ass
(nexxai) QURVE HAS A FAT ASS
(xyst) QURVE STOP TOUCHING MY ASS
(seiki) QURVE LIKES IT IN THE ASS
(^[QuRvE]^) It's nice having friends.

<gig103> I drove by the fire department the other day, and
they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your
house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who the hell cares?  How
about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"

<lapyap> i was at this party and this really fuckin ugly drunk
chick and I were talkin and she kept trying to get it on with
me
<lapyap> so later in the night she come up to me and says  don
t you want to go down on me?  so I say   I;m jewish, I cant
eat pig 
<lapyap> she slapped me after that :p

<AJ> One of my best friends is Jewish.
<AJ> For state testing, our school gave us food, so we'd be
awake and do well. Someone called it "concentration food".
<AJ> So my friend excitedly says "Concentration food? I
haven't had this since camp!"

<@Ustas> Sigh. Got to go buy some food. A mouse hung itself in
my fridge and left a note "can't live like this"

<Nash> YES&#8230;they caught the bastard who made the blaster
virus
<Nash> looks like he will be getting 10 yrs max in prison
<DDR4life> serves him right
<DROSS> Someone is soon going to discover how strangely
painful the shower hour in prison is
<FiringSquad> He&#8217;ll probably catch a different type of
virus in prison
<LexiusTheGenuis> poor kids virginity is going to the recycle
bin
<Sczoyd> cellmates will probably be giving him some rather
large uploads
<Antibig> theyll be installing some new hardware in his rectum
<FiringSquad> looks like his unprotected port is going to be
probed
<Sczoyd> I hope he doesnt mind other men using his hard drive
<JSP> a roll like him is going to get rolled a lot
<Sczoyd> his prison mates are going to have a lot of fun with
their new laptop
<ShinKurro> someone will find out a new way to spread viruses
<Nash> okay, that wasn&#8217;t really called for.

<guyen> so she gets pulled over, and as the bike cop walks up
to her, she asks "are you going to at least try to sell me a
ticket to the highway patrolmen's ball?"
<guyen> then the cop goes "highway patrolmen don't have balls,
ma'am"
<guyen> and she busts out laughing, he finally gets it and
just turns around, gets on his bike, and rides away without
another word
<guyen> she just sits in her car laughing for like five
minutes before she starts her car again
<guyen> shit, if i'd try to say something like that he would
have gone LAPD on my ass

Reelr123: whats up
k8 z swimmer: who are you?
Reelr123: you dont remember?
k8 z swimmer: nope
Reelr123: i m bummed
k8 z swimmer: clay?
Reelr123: nope
k8 z swimmer: ooool
k8 z swimmer: k
k8 z swimmer: so who the heck are ya
Reelr123: its me
Reelr123: guess
Reelr123: i have admired you for a long time
k8zswimmer: Who are you?
Reelr123: i have known u for a long time
k8zswimmer: way to freak me out yo
Reelr123: I love you more then the world
k8zswimmer: tmi.... WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!
Reelr123: I know exactly what u r doing as we speak. And you
better get to bed right this instant
Reelr123: or u r grounded from the computer
k8zswimmer: MOM?!?

<rdubyaj> dude this car I saw....
<rdubyaj> was really dusty
<rdubyaj> and someone had written on it "I wish my wife was
this dirty"
<rdubyaj> and underneath that someone else had written "she
is"

<Jesus> The guy does not understand the concept of the "Shift"
key
<Noser> the what key/

Omniscient Sean: I think we should terrorist start throwing in
nuclear weapon noteworthy national security keywords to Allah
otherwise innocuous conversations.
InfiniteSuperior: I Bin Laden agree.
Omniscient Sean: So how are Al Qaeda classes?
InfiniteSuperior: I have Al Sadr a psychology report Iran due
Wednesday.
Omniscient Sean: Ah, that Tehran sucks.
Omniscient Sean: This bizarre Sadaam open-source database
utility has all the Palestine trappings of other open-source
utilities.
Omniscient Sean: In this WMD case, useless error messages.
InfiniteSuperior: Other than Pakistan that, classes are Libby
going well.

<Cerebus> being bi-polar must suck
<Kender> well yes and no

<KevM> quit the farcical shenanigans you duncical
misrepresentation of a homo sapien
<andycode> I find your misanthropic antics most ironic in
their malevolent disposition.
<andycode> Moreover, the mere implications of your pathetic
facade is illigitimate in its duplicitious atrocity.
<KevM> your virulent discourse is quite misguided in it's
underhanded attempts to slight me
<Khross> And you're fat.

<Pyroman> NEW RULE 
<Pyroman> No one may have a name that starts with 'No'  
<Pyroman> It fucks up my nick completion  
*** Yukari is now known as NotYukari 
*** GigaClonWantstoKickNickServ is now known as NotGigaron 
*** NMR is now known as NotNMR 
*** DJ_Bytes is now known as NotAlsoDJBY 
<emphaticallyumopepisdn> You guys are sheep 
<NotYukari> baa 
<NotAlsoDJBY> Baaa 
<NotGigaron> baaa 
<NotNMR> baaaa

<@TheRef>My girlfriend caught me sleep-wanking last night
<hoochy>lol, typo. i'm a post that to bash
<@TheRef>Dude, that wasn't a typo.

*** IRC -- Based on the original code written by Jarkko
Oikarinen
*** Copyright 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991 University of Oulu,
Computing Center
<Jarkko> You people have turned a cute little project I did 5
years ago INTO A TREMENDOUS WASTE OF TIME!!!  GET A LIFE!!! 
MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S BASEMENT!!!  You, with the bot...
have you ever kissed a woman?

([Smaug]) im actualy homo-phobic
([Smaug]) honest
(+Porn-Star) he thinks anyway
([Smaug]) once i saw a gay person and i just started running
(+Porn-Star) u catch him?

Sushispook: so we're swapping out all these old pc's with
newer ones
Sushispook: and we're stacking them up in piles in the cube
next to me
Sushispook: and all the old ones have various notes on them,
since some have been pillaged for parts
Sushispook: i go into the cube to talk to the rentatech and
see how he's doing, and i lean up against the cube
Sushispook: and i end up walking out with one of those notes
stuck to my ass
Sushispook: and just try and guess what that note said
Sushispook: NEEDS HARD DRIVE
Sushispook: right on my ass

<%Makoto> How long can a CAT5 cable be, and still maintain a
strong signal
<%Makoto> ?
* Makoto (WinNT@hidden-60382.we.client2.attbi.com) Quit
(Connection reset by peer)
<@Col_Kiwi> a little shorter than that

<Driph> a friend of mine is bi
<Driph> and she's arguing with her girlfriend about who is
supposed to cook tonite
<Driph> and I told her that was the worst thing about a
relationship between two women, you dont automatically know
who's supposed to cook

gamemastax: you know how my parents are divorced right?
DrJerad: yeah
gamemastax: Well I just had a talk with my mom.
gamemastax: i told her i didn't want to live with her anymore
gamemastax: she started crying
DrJerad: Why did you tell her that?
gamemastax: because I don't want to?
DrJerad: Why not?
gamemastax: because her computer only has 64 mb of RAM
gamemastax: and that's just not enough to run world of
warcraft smoothly

* kitten has quit IRC (Killed (NickOP (Kill requested by
kittster)))
<BlackAIR> kitten got killed??
<Propagandhi> ALRIGHT, WHO IN HERE IS MASTERBATING!?

<@PaulGonegooley> I just opened the box for my new harddrive
<@PaulGonegooley> it smells like victory
<malicious> the fuck it does
<malicious> opening a new pack of MTG cards.
<malicious> that smells like victory.
<@PaulGonegooley> that smells like never getting laid, ever
<@PaulGonegooley> that's what that smells like
<malicious> fuck you :(

<@loans> what client are you using
<sessilenomad> IRC...
<@loans> that's not a client
<sessilenomad> idk what client im using then
<@loans> that's like me asking 'what ISP are you using' and
you saying 'internet explorer'
<sessilenomad> ooooh
<sessilenomad> firefox

<eric> awright spam u can use
<eric> "Like to see hot jizz spit all over an unsuspecting
teen's face? These young teen girls love taking hot cum right
in the face."
<siva> "unsuspecting"?
<eric> DAD CAN I GO TO THE MALL I NEED SOME NEW BARETTES AND %
(#*&%!( HOLY GOD

<Ettin>  Because If sdib f
<Ettin>  FUCK
<Ettin>  I just fell out of my chair

Madrigal:  I have DSL
Madrigal:  Which backwards is "LSD"
Madrigal:  But for my sake, and the sake of being backwards,
I'd rather get Dial.

too_much_prozak: ooowee girl you sho-nuff is hot stuff..c'mon
over my house an sit on my face
eye_doan_know: Where you live big man? I'll think about it.
too_much_prozak: I'm in san diego..where U?
eye_doan_know: dont that beat all ...I'm in diego too
too_much_prozak: ...NO!...yer joshin.....for real?
eye_doan_know: real deal big guy.......you wanna hook up
tonite?
too_much_prozak: sounds like a plan....your place? my place?
or??
too_much_prozak: no..wait cant be my place...my g'friend is
here.
eye_doan_know: cant be my place either...my boyfriend is
downstairs.
too_much_prozak: ...what a co-ink-ee-dink my girlfriend is
upstairs...........uh-oh-
too_much_prozak left the room

(&Gsus) thanks to asian porn i know now the japanese words for
"More" "oh god yes" "fuck me hard" and "get that tentacle out
of my ass"

<gleep> Heh.  You people don't want to hear how one of my
ex-bosses performed a mercy killing on a family's cat at their
request.
<Sypher-Ryn> Yes we do
<gleep> I actually think it's quite funny.
<Sypher-Ryn> come on!! Mercy killings!
<me^2> tell us
<DrCloud> o.O;
<ashie> O.O
<gleep> He was visiting a cousin's family, they lived out on
in the country.  While he was there, they told them about
their cat that was really old, and had gotten quite sick.  The
vet had told them they should have it put to sleep.  But they
just couldn't do it... they started to drive it the 20 miles
to the vet a couple times but never got very far.
<gleep> So when he was talking to their dad, he said he could
take care of it.  He had his pistol in his truck.  So that
evening he finds the cat and takes it out back of the house.
<gleep> (Don't read this, sensative viewers! ) So he's out
there with his 357, looking down at the cat, who really /was/
in horrible shape.  So he's about to shoot the cat when... 
Something came over him.  He stuck his foot under the cat and
kicked it into the air... and shot it midair.  The 357 blew
the poor critter to bits.  Then he turns around and sees... 
The ENTIRE FAMILY staring at him through the picture window.
<FJ> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
<ashie> best story ever

<svinx> yknow when you go to a party, and everyones hooked up
except one guy and one girl
<svinx> and so they look at each other like.. do we have to?
<svinx> intel & nvidia must be lookin at each other like that
right now

<trigga>ow
<trigga>i just stapled the roof of my mouth
<trigga>i was holding the stapler in my mouth and it started
slipping so i bit down

Salsa Shark: you know what google earth needs?
ULJarad: More 3D buildings?
Salsa Shark: ion cannon button

linkraceist: my printer is being rather communist atm
necrokiss: lol, how so?
linkraceist: in theory, there is nothing wrong with it
linkraceist: but when i try to use it, everything goes wrong

<Marques> hmm
<Marques> so I have to go to dinner with my girlfriend her mom
her two sisters and their grandparents. I wonder what people
think when they see a black guy walk in to a restaurant with 6
white people =)
<Trip> hostage situation

<El_Pompo> what would be the best language to build a crawler
in?
<Emetri> jawa.

<mmiikkee12> XD, i just got the best spam message ever
<mmiikkee12> "Make $$$ Fast"
<mmiikkee12> "Hold down your shift and 4 keys at the same
time. In about a second you will be making $$$ fast."

<quadropheniac57> so we're talking about aboriginal symbols in
school today
<quadropheniac57> and i tell my group that i read it was bad
luck to kill an emu, except i say emo on accident
<quadropheniac57> so i laugh and say "actually, it's pretty
good luck to kill an emo"
<quadropheniac57> this girl, overweight, dyed black hair,
eyeshadow, not goth but close
<quadropheniac57> says "no, emo is sad. emo is short for
emotional"
<quadropheniac57> so i respond "no, emo is short for stupid"
<quadropheniac57> she says "no, it's for emotional. emo people
are emotional beings who live that way to relieve their pain"
<quadropheniac57> i say "emo people are self-absorbed
attention-seeking idiots who listen to crappy music"
<quadropheniac57> rest of class, she gives me the most dark
and depressed death glare
<quadropheniac57> THE WHOLE REST OF CLASS, that's like 45
minutes, she's just death-looking me, not even turning her
head
<quadropheniac57> i swear, she's gonna kill herself this
weekend, and it's all my fault
<civilpunkbikes> good luck coming your way
<quadropheniac57> amen

<foobar> the FUNNIEST tech glitch ive ever heard of happened
at my workplace
<foobar> ok.. so we run an internet storage service right? 
and one of our clients is a large photo site that allows
people to upload pics and view them online
<foobar> well.. our software had a little bug in it ..
sometimes if a file is uploaded and not cached properly by the
system, the system will deliver the same file for hundreds or
thousands of different files
<foobar> so what happened is someone uploaded some bestiality
pictures, and those got caught in the cache, so everbody
uploading their 4th of july pics got them ALL replaced by the
same picture of a girl jerking off a horse
<foobar> 50,000 times

* xargs should not drive a bike
<xargs> because...
<xargs>               o       _      _          _
<xargs>      _o      /_    _ \o   (_)__/o   (_)
<xargs>    _< _    _>(_)  (_)/<_     _|     _|/' /
<xargs>   (_)>(_)  (_)         (_)    (_)     (_)'  _o_
<xargs> =(

<Handy> Japanese scientists have created a camera with  such a
fast shutter speed,
<Handy> they now can photograph a woman with her mouth  shut.

<@Kukuman> this fundrace.org site lists people near you who
have made contributions to a presidential candidate
<@Kukuman> looked up my zip code
<@Kukuman> 4 people contributed to bush/republicans
<@Kukuman> something like 35 people contributed to democrats
<@Kukuman> oh and all 4 of the people who contributed to bush
are retired!
<@philc> you spelt retarded incorrectly

<&Siyo> i successfully stopped a print job once
<&Siyo> AM I GOD?

<ChapelPaige> Oh tell me why, do we build castles in the sky?
<@Apoc> to make them harder to assault
<ChapelPaige> ...good point.
<@Apoc> Lets see you get a trebuchet up here bitch

<spazbob> im orderin a black dvd writer, on the assumption
it'll run faster

lemonlimeskull: You know you've been chatting too long when
you think C:/> is some kind of depressed Arab smiley.

(cooey) my cat eats meat. my cat eats timbits. my cat eats
celery. my cat eats my weed. my cat eats bits of paper and
hair that look like food. my cat =wont= eat a piece of a
burger out of a big mac.
(cooey) i should learn from my cat.

<Guest1087> shut up asshole
<Pikanyah> If I'm an asshole, you're an asswipe. You're so
low, you serve me.
<Guest1087> shup up bitch, i'm the asshole
<Guest1087> wait a sec....

killjay: Most embarassing internet moment?
killjay: Unknowingly cyber with a dude?
lemonlimeskull: Nope.
killjay: Knowingly cyber with a dude?
lemonlimeskull: Not as such.
lemonlimeskull: Though when I was a kid, I did try to run an
ASCII image of a naked chick through a text-to-speech program,
set to female voice.
lemonlimeskull: When she got to "colon colon colon period
colon colon colon period period" the moment was gone.

(Thoth) Funniest toilet graffiti this evening: "I fucked your
mother!" underneith: "Dad, you're drunk! Go home!"

<Feeldeath> Man i had a bad day !!!
<Formin> o great =( what happened?
<Feeldeath> well i was masturbating on my couche an I fell of
<Formin> hahaha o god
<Feeldeath> thats not the worst part. i hit my head on the
coffee table and knocked myself out and my mom came in and
found me unconscience on the floor with my dick in one hand
and a porn mag in the other.
<Formin> lmao

<Lyme> I got Fight Club for 6.98 at walmart.
<Black_Bishop> I am Jack's low price guarantee

<aioli> i hope whoever invented the mysterious force gets his
or her penis caught in a gear
<raxvulpine> Your attempt to be gender-neutral there only sort
of worked.

<Hynox> Have you actually ever had sex matthias? 
<matthias> Ask my children :P
<Hynox> .....
<Hynox> you have sex with your children?

<mooman> so i saw this number plate on some ricer car today...
YAG-108
<mooman> except i saw it in my rear view mirror, so it looked
like BOI-GAY
<mooman> i nearly hit the car in front from laughing so hard :
/

<Bezzy> i mean scyence
<Jenna> Science
<Bezzy> i don't know how to speel it i am only 8
<Jenna> Your doing fine
<Bezzy> that's "you're"

<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus is created when you masturbate in
the bath and your sister falls pregnant by then bathing in the
same water.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus would blind and cripple random
people. And give them leprosy.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus crucified the entire Roman Empire.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus makes you die for his sins.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus can sink in water.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus can turn wine into water.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus dares you to stone whores if you're
sinner.
<Dharkbayne> He was born in a cave on Easter and was killed in
a shootout on Christmas eve when three kings finally tracked
him down for outstanding debts of gold and spices.

<a> I have a new girlfriend, man. She´s 90-60-90...
<b> wtf? She is purple?

<anon> Right now i'm watching this porno
<anon> Asian dude gets on bus full of white highschool girls
and gets raped
<anon> I've been on a school bus before and this didn't
happen. I'm beginning to think that porn isn't based on true
stories.

<ShoveX> beerman would you have gay sex for 2 million dollars?
<@Beerman> with who
<@Beerman> and do I have to pay all at once
<@Beerman> or can I pay in instalments

<RST38h> When I bought 14.4kbd modem, TELNET and FTP became so
lightning fast...
<jaem> what sort of lightning do you have where you live,
then?
<lcuk> the sort that used to buffer before striking

<Narcissus> Dude I had a fucking crazy night last night
<Thomas> yeah?
<Narcissus> So you know how Jason is basically a crazy
redneck?
<Narcissus> well we were sitting around drinking when he just
pipes up "let's go hunting guys!"
<Narcissus> we're in the middle of the city, right, but we're
sort of drunk, so me, Mike and Aaron go for it
<Narcissus> We head out to the park, drinking from the
camelback of course, and see these fucking geese; Just
hundreds of fucking geese sleeping by the river.
<Narcissus> we're just kind of stumbling around laughing, but
Jason takes a fence post, UPROOTS the motherfucker, and just
Braveheart charges this field of geese
<Narcissus> the geese start going apeshit as he's swinging
like mad, just honking like crazy tearing up the river
<Narcissus> the three of us don't know what to do, but three
generations of inbreeding sure as hell did.  The fucker cracks
one of the geese over the head, and it's just frozen, sort of
stunned
<Narcissus> without a second of hesitation, Jason grabs his
dull ass pocket knife and just pounces on the goose, stabbing
wildly, and let me tell you.. there's a fuckton of blood in a
goose
<Narcissus> this thing is hemorrhaging  blood, completely
covering him, but he keeps stabbing it
<Thomas> wtf dude? that's fucking nuts
<Narcissus> just listen, it gets worse
<Narcissus> We are completely dumbfounded, we don't know what
the fuck just happened, but we're pretty sure it's extremely
illegal
<Narcissus> we decide to wrap up the goose in Aaron's jacket
and take it back to the apartments
<Narcissus> so we walk like 3 miles back, and take it to the
field by the power station
<Narcissus> Jason's not done though, he takes his dull blade
and SKINS THE MOTHERFUCKING GOOSE
<Narcissus> takes out the entrails, the whole nine yards,
takes for fucking ever
<Narcissus> at this time Mike is turning pale, he's looking up
all  the laws we'd broken, and he kept yelling about some
security guard watching us
<Narcissus> I told him to stop being paranoid, but he wouldn't
let up
<Narcissus> so he grabs the goose and just fucking chucks it,
as hard as he can over towards the freeway
<Narcissus> needless to say we were pissed, but we weren't
about to spend all night looking for that shit
<Narcissus> So we snuck home, drunk, hungry and defeated
<Thomas> Now that's a fucking adventure
<Narcissus> yeah, I know, but just imagine this episode of
cops:
<Narcissus> four college age guys, drunk, walk out of a
darkened field in the middle of a city at 3 A.M. after
spending several hours working on something, and one of them
is COVERED in blood, holding a dull, bloody knife, claiming to
have just hunted, skinned, and then completely thrown away an
entire goose
<Narcissus> you can't right better shit than that
<Thomas> I don't think we should ever hang out with Jason ever
again
<Narcissus> Agreed

<muse06> you ever think god gets stoned?
<humphrey> have you ever seen a platypus?

<oobey> my school year is off to a great start
<oobey> I was in the back of my physics auditorium, trying not
to fall completely asleep. The professor asks a question about
what method we use when doing math in science, so to pretend
like I'm not falling alseep, I shout out "sig figs"
<oobey> I then open my eyes and realize the prof is currently
talking about vectors and scalars, so the question was
dreamed, but the answer was not, and the entire class has come
to a complete stop now
<oobey> at this point I'm at a loss as to what to do, so I
pick up my bag and walk out without saying another word

<defekt> eh, some muslims just burned the swiss flag as a
danish flag
<naama-> it's the thought that counts

Hambone on #ramen #gaydads4sons #noodles
<blazemore> ash
<blazemore> get out of that gay channel, now
*** Hambone (shazam@24.gate3.yokota.attmil.ne.jp) has left #
ramen

<cheerios> LITTLE GOLDEN BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT:
<cheerios> 1. You Are Different and That's Bad
<cheerios> 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating Too Many Vegetables
<cheerios> 3. Daddy's New Wife Robert
<cheerios> 4. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
<cheerios> 5. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
<cheerios> 6. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
<cheerios> 7. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
<cheerios> 8. Grandpa Gets a Casket
<cheerios> 9. Strangers Have the Best Candy
<cheerios> 10. You Were an Accident
<cheerios> 11. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great
Microwave Games
<cheerios> 12. Sometimes Your Nightmares Are Real
<cheerios> 13. And Where Would You Like to Be Buried, Li'l
Timmy?
<cheerios> 14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
<cheerios> 15. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

<egg> today at work i got totally owned
<egg> i didnt understand something
<egg> and i said
<egg> "you know what i dont get?"
<egg> and a guy i work with said "pussy and respect?"
<egg> i was like  :\

<@Headknocker> what happens when 5 emos sit in a square room?
<@Headknocker> one dies because he has no corner to cry in :D

<Metalcore> works now, though
<Metalcore> it's just because I have shitty internet
<Metalcore> fast as hell
<Metalcore> but stable as a refrigerator balanced on a coke
bottle
<Metalcore> in hurricane force winds
<Metalcore> on a 45 degree slope
<Metalcore> of teflon

<flux-1> certainly vista sucks and I never upgraded, but
really, does mac really need to poke at pc in every
commercial?
<twentyonegrams> that's like kid with one leg making fun of a
kid with one arm

<Hitchhiker> Gotta catch 'em all!
<ManInBlack> STDs!
<marik7772003> gonorrhea, i choose you
<ManInBlack> GO GET 'EM, HIV!
<Hitchhiker> Herpes, fire attack!
<ManInBlack> HIV IS EVOLVING
<ManInBlack> CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR HIV HAS BECOME AIDS!

<Toen> OH NO! A steamroller comes barreling down on brentai!
He must roll 1d20! Less than 6 escapes death!
<Toen> unless he wants to use up his luck charm and make it a
1d10!
<Brentai> I use my raping skill to rape the steamroller.
<Toen> your rape is ineffective against the cold, solid steel!
<Brentai> Well, crud.
<Brentai> 1d10
<Dildice> Brentai: 9
<Brentai> Er, 1d20.
<Brentai> 1d20
<Dildice> Brentai: 14
<Brentai> Crap, and crap.
<Toen> squish
<Brentai> Well, I went out trying to rape a steamroller.  It's
a man's death.

<jre> What should I read next, the Canterbury Tales, Don
Quixote, or a book on Greek Mythology?
<GenericSuperhero> READE YW OLDE KANTVRBVRY TALES
<GenericSuperhero> THEYE ARE SHURE TO BEE VARY INTERASTINGE
<GenericSuperhero> HOPEFULLYE, YOU WILL READE IT IN THINE OLDE
ENGLISHE
<EvilKosh> HELLO I AM JRE AND I HAVE TO READ HIGH FALOOTIN'
BOOKS
<jre> GENARIKE, THOU ART AN FAGOTE OF THE LOW'ST ORDRE
<GenericSuperhero> THANKE YOU JAREE-EE
<jre> DAMN'D BE THOU SEED, AND MAY'ST IT NE'ER PRODUSE A
PERSYONE OF ATTRAKTIVE CALIBAR
<GenericSuperhero> AYE, TISS MUSTVE HAPPENED TO YONDERS
MOTHERE WHENCE THOU WAS CAPTURED WITHIN HER WOMBE!
<jre> THOU SPEAKST LIKE A RAGEING MANHAT
<GenericSuperhero> AH! THEN EYE SPEAKTH LIKE THINES FATHRE!

<mcsim02> you know...one day the word pron is actually going
to replace the word porn for good...and then in the year 2055
some internet geek is gonna think hes really funny by calling
it 'porn' instead of 'pron'...and it will be a horrible
horrible cycle

<jebus_Y2k> Here are some helpful hints just in case you may
want to send me a virus.
<jebus_Y2k> 1. Don't threaten me repeatedly before you send
the virus.
<jebus_Y2k> 2. Don't attatch the virus to a message that says
"SUCK THIS, BITCH".
<jebus_Y2k> 3. Don't name it virus.exe.

SpUnGe14: I should name my nuts Trinidad and Tobago
skater067: or
skater067: the virgin islands
SpUnGe14: Ouch

<timmo> and it involves a girl named bertha
<timmo> WHO WOULD SUBJECT THEIR DAUGHTER TO THE HORRORS OF
THAT NAME
<timmo> 'this is my daughter bertha, she eats villages'

<kmad> today, me and jake were playing tennis
<kmad> this mom with her son, like 11 years old, were watching
us play
<kmad> a ball was hit over to them, so I ran over to pick it
up
<kmad> the kid asks me, "How did you get so good at tennis??"
<kmad> I think for a second, try to hold back a grin
<kmad> "Drugs."
<kmad> The mom gave me a big old FUCK YOU and stormed off with
her kid

<ren> I fucking hate jehovahs witnesses
<ren> I saw 2 men in black suits knocking on my door so I
microwaved my hard drive :\

<[56k]holtzboy> who hates metallica's st. anger cd? me me me
me me
<cockmonster> geez, 56kers, you even lag in real life
<cockmonster> we all got done bitching about that CD months
ago
<Frenchman`> cockmonster, he just finished downloading it

<tis_berni> I'm a construction worker
<tis_berni> for one more week
<tam> and then?
<moof> then he has to be the indian or the navy guy.

(@X2-down) this is mark eg, he hugged me and creamed in my ear
(@X2-down) er screamed

NgOs_WiLL: how many feminists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
NgOs_WiLL: One to change it and fifteen to form a support
group!
E30SupeR: it's a trick question - feminists can't change
anything.

<fugi> when mccain wins the election and invades iran, do we
get to yell "Monopoly!" and put hotels across iraq, iran and
afghanistan?

<Elbonio> You know how women say "I wouldnt sleep with you
even if you were the last man on earth" ? Well if you WERE the
last two people on the earth, i hardly think sex is the first
thing on your mind... it's clearly going to be "let's raid
Toys'R'us.."

<MystMan> you followed me!! you freaky stalker!
<Cyber_Akuma_Zero> I am not a stalker
<Cyber_Akuma_Zero> btw, you're out of milk

<Quast> bbg: homosexuality isn't a badge you get after you
fuck a guy in the ass for the first time
<Quast> or get it yourself
<xooz98> which badge do you get again?
<xooz98> the boy scouts system is so complicated

<Chrysalid^Revenge> I had something like that happen to me
once.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> And vengeance is a plate best served cold.
* Sectoid^Authopsy sits down for storytime
<Chrysalid^Revenge> I saw some asshole stealing my pack of
cigarettes from my table while I was getting another beer.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> But of course, as I confronted him, he
denied it flatly, and all the sudden four of his mates were
getting ready for a fight and shit.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> So I decided to back down, and rather get
one over him later.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Of course, living in an army camp has it's
advantages, such as easy access to ammo.
<Sectoid^Authopsy> o_0
<Chrysalid^Revenge> So I took two Winner Tip cartridges, a
little bit of tobacco, and quite a generous amount of
gunpowder from a blank I 'obtained', topping it off with
tobacco to get a proper look.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Next weekend, I leave my pack containing
two cigs rather indiscreetly at my table when I see this
assholes is at the pub, and go to pick up another beer.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> When I come back, the pack has vanished.
So I get hold of one of the bouncers, telling him that I saw
someone carrying "what looked like fireworks around".
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Ten seconds later, there's some nasty
fizzing, a lot of smoke and a huge fucking flame coming from
one of the corner tables, and seconds later, the same thing
happens in the hand of one of the guys sitting there.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> And at this point, it has to be mentioned
that watching two bouncers pull a screaming guy with no
eyebrows left, and a nasty burn up half his face out of a pub,
'accidentally' drop him down the stairs, and finally call the
cops on him, does lead to a certain smugness.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> The morale is, don't you ever fucking
touch my cigarettes. I can probably spare you one if you ask,
but fucking ask first, okay?!

<Kabuki_Dude> Shit... My teacher just sprung a surprise psych
test on me. It was a damned describing game... Like: There's a
forest, describe it. I was being a jackass and said that the
forest was burned down and blackened.
<Kabuki_Dude> Then she asked me how I went through the forest.
I said that I ran through it denying all logic and reason.
<Kabuki_Dude> She asked me to describe a vase in the forest,
so I said that it had a penis on it.
<Kabuki_Dude> Then she asked me to describe a barrier blocking
the way. I said that the barrier was my mom with a pickaxe.
<Kabuki_Dude> About 3 days later, my psych calls me and wants
to 'talk'. Apparantly, my teacher called my psyche with the
results of my test.
<Kabuki_Dude> Here's how it went down: The way you described
the forest was the way you viewed life. The way you went
through the forest was the way you went through life. The vase
is your view on relationships, and the barrier is how you
think you're going to die.
<Kabuki_Dude> Needless to say, my teacher keeps her distance
from me now.

(Patrick82): i have multiple personalities
(tkam): the one that tells you to kill yourself obviously
isn't getting its fair share of time

<Aegis> Dude this chick said she wouldn't give me head because
she doesn't do that
<Vyse> They still make those?

<lief> My brother just got suspended from school for sticking
a bible down his pants while walking around in the halls
singing Mansons "Personal Jesus" and asking random girls to
"Reach down and touch faith".

<Georgo> bah, you stupid people and your big paragraphs, I
always get the gist of things by reading the first and last
sentences
<Piggah> Well Georgo, there was this one time me and your mom
went out to the store. However, it ended up with my getting
these sudden, primal urges. One thing led to another and
needless to say I was fucking her doggy-style and that's when
I yelled "Who's the Boss?," stuck my cock in her ass, and then
screamed "TONY DANZA!" But in the end we only landed up buying
a few vegetables and some milk.
<Georgo> god I love happy storys

<Erik_N> Everyone has a dark secrets... some ppl are killers,
some ppl are homo.. I use mac

<+Woody```> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"
on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

<Maggie> Rune
<Rune> ?
<Maggie> why are all men chauvinistic pigs?
<Rune> because we're better than you

<Ashryd> Prepare for the new revolution in freeing space on
your hard drive, waste no more
time on searching through old files to delete, simply leave it
up to DaveBot!
<Methuen> New program aye?
<Ashryd> Doesn't work quite right yet though...
<Ashryd> Does something a little more interesting at the
moment...
<Methuen> Oh?
<Ashryd> It spends 12 hours searching through your folders and
files finding and sorting
them into things that must be deleted, could be deleted and
mustn't be deleted, compiles the
information into a database, deems the database an item that
must be deleted then erases
your whole hard drive.
<Methuen> o.O

<Sebas> I want to start a band without drums or bass guitars.
We'll call ourselves The Beatless.

Dun fck wit meh: when muslim women come to my door i talk to
them through the mail slot, see how they like it

Lunatic: All those opposed to the patriot act raise your right
hand
Lunatic: Raise your hand high
Lunatic: Now raise the other one
Lunatic: Hands behind your back
Lunatic: you're under arrest for treason

<carkeys> arpad you there?
<Meritt> That's the first time I've seen car keys go looking
for their owner.

[guest27125] hi i am very good at irc, i can script and even
hack people on irc,but this real good hacker keeps hacking
into me and changing my nick, his name is NickServ

<Sparky> My new years resolution is 1280x1024.

<doctorb> goth clubs should serve coffee. ice cold coffee.
with nails and broken glass. and call then 'depresso's

<hamoom> man, this is great, 450 hp, sleek design, sleek
interior, this is going to be my new car
<mrmin123> cars have hit points?

<BiG_D> Every girl who has ever been attracted to me is a
vegetarian!
<BiG_D> Try to explain that!
<WolfLord> you have no meat
<WolfLord> hehe
<BiG_D> hmmm
<BiG_D> fuck
<BiG_D> I did not see that coming
<BiG_D> Last time I tell that story!

<microgal> and whiter than white
<RobinHood> heh
<Kronovohr> so...you're like #GGGGGG?

<werro> damnit :/
<werro> my dad found my porn
<Bob112> So what? I bet my dad knows I have porn.
<werro> but my dad didnt know Im gay :/
<Bob112> Um, like, neither did I
* werro has left #hookerz

niteowl7710: When I went to the website to see what the
current cover
niteowl7710: And I got a pop-up from Spice.net...offering me
(and I quote)
niteowl7710: MONSTER TITS -- THE LARGEST BREASTS ALLOWED BY
LAW
enigmamofm: Wow.
enigmamofm: wait
enigmamofm: "By law?"
niteowl7710: That sir, is what it said
enigmamofm: There's some sort of regulatory legislature on
this issue?
niteowl7710: I'm not sure but I now have a new goal in life
niteowl7710: Figure out how to get a job in the Department of
Health & Human Services (makes sense to me)
niteowl7710: In the "Breast Measurement Bureau"
niteowl7710: I'm sorry ma'am but those are just too large, I'm
going to have to fine you
niteowl7710: Well yes Ms. I'm sure this does just seem like
titty fucking, but I assure you is a valuable tool we use here
at the B.M.B.
enigmamofm: You are a credit to you community sir.

<LordPie> which part confuses you more, my complex lexicon or
the fact that i beat you with your own logic?
<jestaa> using big words doesn't make you more smarter.
<LordPie> Sorry, let me put it in an language that you can
understand
<LordPie> OMG, ROFL LOL!!!!!!!!! J00 GOT OWNED!!11111!!

<smcn> one of these days
<smcn> i'm going to hunt down and kill whoever invented
emoticons
<smcn> then i'm going to look at him and go >=D

<Curufin> You know, I think there's a point in your life when
you realize that life's just not worth it anymore. When you're
giving more than you're taking, and there's just no joy left
in life.
<Eldamehomework> Curufin; that's what ice cream is for :-D
<Curufin> I'm lactose intolerant.

<korinne> cows would live a lot longer if they werent made out
of steaks and leather

[@|Asriel] I just got a crazy telemarket call
[@|Asriel] an autoglass repair shop, asking if we had any
damaged auto glass we'd like a free quote on
[@|Asriel] I wondered if that was a variant on "is your
refrigerator running"
[@|Asriel] if I had broken glass, I'd do something about it
[@Mono] lol
[@|Asriel] not sit around hoping someone will call me up
[@|Asriel] 911 doesnt call you up randomly "We were wondering
if anybody happens to be dying, traped, giving birth, or
breaking into your home at the moment"
[@|Asriel] "I'm so glad you called, there's a guy holding a
gun to my face"
[@Mono] rofl

Sanjuro Makabe: btw remember what you made up about something
like the 7 layer protocol of the network or something?
Sanjuro Makabe: application, presentation, session, transport,
network, datalink, physical
Sanjuro Makabe: i remember you made up something nasty to
remember those by...i forgot what it was
Saem: a pussy so tight no dick penetrates

<@gongoputch> so my 12 year old has been BEGGING me for a
minecraft server. I told him 'OK', he said YEA!', I say 'but
you have to install the OS (FreeBSD), configure it, set up a
jail and generally learn enough to admin it.
<@gongoputch> he hates me now
<@gongoputch> BUT - he got it running :)
<@gongoputch> after it was going, he looked up at me and said
'This OS is the logical thing I have ever seen'
<@gongoputch> ... it's little moments like those ...

* Qwyxzl growls at his connection
* Furion sees his virus is working.
* Qwyxzl gets out his Furion voodoo doll
* Furion Quit (Ping timeout)
<Elessa> whoa!

<Duzzy> today at work, i was cutting gras outside the local
school.. and then a chick came up to me.. kissed me, squeezed
my balls, gave me a note and the she ran of.. and i was like
wtf?!? when I got my mind gathered I looked at the note and
there was a phone number.. I should send an sms to it, and
that was when I realized the bitch had stolen my cellphone =(

*** Pikachu has joined #Distro
<kurai> Gah.  Fucken' Pokemon crap - hate it.
<kurai> Some twat in the office thought it would be "cute and
friendly" to name all the servers etc after bloody Pokemon
characters.
<kurai> The incident that mainly brought about this hatred was
the time a particular SQL server fell over (yet again)...
<kurai> So I shout across the (full) office to a colleague "Oi
! Pikachu's just gone down on me again !"
<kurai> Mind you - it was amusing seeing one dumb bint
snorting coffee out of her nose she was laughing so hard.
<Pikachu> ? ! I don't go down on pppl !!
<kurai> SO you are small, yellow, annoying *and* don't give
head ?
<kurai> What a pointless life - top yourself right now.
*** Pikachu Quit (Ping timeout)
<basto> Wow - you are like some evil mind controlling Guru or
somthin'

<noskill> I was banned from my junior highs network for having
every printer in the school print 5000 pages of "FEED ME
PAPER!" simultaneously

<passagero> i'm romanian man,i have 18yers old and try to
found some one who want to have a relation sheep with me

<phex> so you excited for your interview at RIM?
<burnison> yep
<phex> so then you're hoping to get a rim job?
<burnison> hell yes
*phex waits for the pun to set in

<Shameful_Buffalo> I got bored tonight, so I played the wal
mart game, you know where you go to wal mart and see who can
get the funniest items together
<Shameful_Buffalo> well I give my friends ryan and taylor $20
and they go off, taylor gets KY Jelly, Camoflauge shorts and
Predator on DVD, I get some G2 Pilot pens, A mountain dew,
Murray's Superior Afroshine Hair Pomade, 12-pack of Lubed
Trojans, a pair of Brinks Luggage Locks with keys, Electrical
Tape, and some Reeses Peanut Butter Cups (standard double-cup
pack).
<Shameful_Buffalo> Ryan comes back empty handed and this
follows, 
Ryan: "I played your game dude..."
Taylor: "then where is your stuff?"
Me: "Yeah, you had to buy something with that 20 I gave
you.."
Ryan "I went to automotive and put a tire on layaway..."
<Shameful_Buffalo> I never laughed so hard in my entire life,
I gave him the 10 bucks for winning and walked to the car with
my bag of crap.

<sideburns> they opened a restaurant a few blocks away
<sideburns> it's a lesbian restaurant
<UncleGivey> HAHAHAHA
<sideburns> err... lebanese
<UncleGivey> "Hey honey, there's that new restaurant down the
street... feel like eating out?"

<Simich> omg its too hot here
<Simich> and yes, hot in canada, and no, my igloo is not
melting
<Simich> BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ONE
<Simich> BITCHES
<[Evil]Zen> O.o
<Rhodz> heh, we dont insult simich about being canadian so he
insults himself then lashes out at us

<Mild> a choose your own adventure hamlet would be nice too
<Mild> To be, turn to page 73.

TwilightKnight: all i do is wait for Desert crisis 1.5 and
play counter-strike all day
Dr SpaZZo: Heh.
Dr SpaZZo: Which, by definition, means I have more of a life
than you
Dr SpaZZo: Pity
TwilightKnight: well i was making out with a girl today
Dr SpaZZo: Liar
Dr SpaZZo: Theres no such thing as a "girl"
TwilightKnight: yes it is true!
TwilightKnight: they arent the tales and ledgends we thought
them to be
TwilightKnight: they exist and live on the outside!
TwilightKnight: In the daylight!
Dr SpaZZo: Outside? Daylight? Now you're just making words up.

<WabbyTwax> MOVIE TRIVIA TIME You have to beat EtherMan's high
score of 720
<WabbyTwax> Question #59: for  60  points . . . .
<WabbyTwax> What special skill did the cricket possess in the
movie "Mulan"?
<Evil_God> talking
<EtherMan> speech
<D-viant> singing
<Evil_God> ninjitsu
<EtherMan> swordsmanship
<D-viant> violin
<EtherMan> flight
<D-viant> fighting
<EtherMan> homosexuality
<D-viant> japanese fighting cricket
<Evil_God> big slapping testicles
<WabbyTwax> Sorry, your time is up! You had 30 seconds to
answer.
<D-viant> expanding rectum
<Evil_God> opium addiction

<Ksosez> i fucking hate ADD
<jesus_X> As in Attention
<jesus_X> Attention Deficit, something...
<Ksosez> Disorder
<jesus_X> What?

<RevSlidey> a baby seal walks into a club

<Jarik_Tentsu> Gah, I just snorted while laughing.
<Jarik_Tentsu> And I have a cold.
<Jarik_Tentsu> Urgh, this is disgusting.
<Jarik_Tentsu> Luckily, it missed my girlfriend - they're hard
to clean.
<Jarik_Tentsu> err...
<Jarik_Tentsu> *girlfriend = keyboard.
<Jarik_Tentsu> O_O

Eberlin: Nothing accelerates windows like a good ol' fashioned
9.8m/s^2

<domenow> I'm gripping your cock hard
<ThAtGuy> i'm feeling your breasts
<ThAtGuy> my dick is getting really hard now
<domenow> yeah, mine too
<domenow> I mean... err.

<zealous> I was walking to the mobil gas station this morning
to get my ride to work as I do every morning (weekdays anyway)
when I decided that instead of walking the long way around I
would just jump the little wall (about 3 feet high) and get
there quicker, well when I went to jump the wall I started off
with my left foot instead of my right like I usually do and I
didn't bring my foot up quick enough thus catching the wall
and sending me face first
<zealous> into the ground but somehow I managed to do some
wild ninja tuck and roll things ending up on my feet and
staring at some guy who was quite bugged eyed so I just raised
my arms in a "v" and yelled hazah at the top of my lungs

MorningQueen: Why are you against abortion?
MassHypnosisJoe: I'm just against women making choices

<klockwerk> If you were on a bus full of gay guys would you
get off?
<cornelius> yeah
<cornelius> wait... no
<cornelius> shit

<Nyphur> DIX has a point. That kind of muscle development at
that age isn't something to be celebrated. It's unnatural and
as such, the body isn't designed to do it. It's going to cause
him unforseen problems in the future.
<Nyphur> Good. He deserves it.
<MonkeyDLuffy> ...?
<MonkeyDLuffy> Nyphur, did you just reply to what you just
typed?
<Nyphur> I did, yes. This kind of thing happens at 4AM.

***Welcome to MSN Support***
<MSN Assistant> Hello how can I help?
<Divination> I recently downloaded msn 6.2 and it has been
giving me problems 
<MSN Assistant> Yes, please continue.
<Divination> I can t stop drinking I think I ve turned into an
alcoholic 
*MSN Assistant has left the conversation.

* halocy goes for laundry like the good house-bitch she is
[a few mins later]
<halocy> my bf's socks are all kinda ... crunchy
<halocy> wtf?
<halocy> his feet must sweat a lot
<rvrsl> haha
<smashi> ew
<smashi> hehe
<smashi> are you sure it's
<smashi> SWEAT!
* smashi giggles
<halocy> what else would it be?

<NuclearisWinterius> "Without the USA there would be no
France, just a greater Germany" and the guest on the show said
"Without France, there would be no USA, just a greater
England"
<Method> hurray for france!
<Method> without england, there'd be no USA, just a really big
canada where they all spoke french.
<Method> i don't know what's worse
<ari> Without Finland, there would be no IRC and this
pointless discussion would not be taking place :p

<Dark_Soul>Just because I'm from Canada doesnt mean I live in
an igloo.
<Ralts>What, you fucking homeless?

<Elly_May>  i'm so sick of fucking my father
<Shitshe>  you mean i'm so sick of MY fucking father
<Elly_May> whatever makes you happy you conservative piece of
shit

Lucius: so im stuck hangin out with this emo kid
Lucius: he goes up to this hot girl and says "hey baby, what
are you doing lateR?"
Lucius: she turns to him and goes "boy, i already have a
pussy, i dont need another one" and walks away
Lucius: i couldnt stop laughing
Lucius: then he gets this sad look and tells me to shut up
Lucius: i calmly pull out my sharpie and draw a tear on his
cheek
Lucius: he literally shrieks and runs away

<Pwnz0rz> What do you guys do after sex?
<D3v1lm4n> i like to cuddle with her
<Haxorz> i leave
<Dragneel> i Bury her again

<Thalog> is it just me, or has our society come to the
realisation of Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451?
<Thalog> I recall being in a car filled with 5 people,
excluding myself
<Thalog> but no one was talking
<Thalog> everyone was doing things on their cell phones and
such
<UlsterResident> ah, yeah
<Thalog> and they might as well have not have been there
<Thalog> and when they did talk, they didn't really say
anything in particular
<UlsterResident> I'm gunna go watch some TV
<UlsterResident> bbl
<Thalog> ...

<RandalCalrissian> Who wrote an essay entitled 'Advice to a
Young Man on choosing a Mistress'?
<Jeegoo> Cassanova 
<RandalCalrissian> Here's your 1st hint, B___am__ ____k___
<Jeegoo> no idea
<Randal> dr seus
<Jeegoo> hee
<Zwuh> Al Gore
<RandalCalrissian> Here's your 2nd hint, _en_a_in _r_n__i_
<RandalCalrissian> Here's your 3rd hint, B_njami_ Fra__lin
<Zwuh> Benjamin Frankin
<Jeegoo> Benjamn franklin
<Randal> benjamin frankls
<Randal> oop
<Randal> s
<Zwuh> haha
<RandalCalrissian> Time's up! The answer was: Benjamin
Franklin
<Zwuh> way to spell, team!

<stank> guys.. i went out tonight.
<stank> i pretended to be a normal college student.
<stank> and i stood uncomfortably on a porch with a bunch of
people i don't know.
<stank> but then i ran into bill and will, who were pretending
in the same way.
<stank> so we talked about networks and i felt better.

***  mrBlond changes topic to "Open party at Minko's, All
welcome. Place for 500"
<Minko> grrrr
<Minko> You can all come, but I'm not gonna be there
*** mrBlond changes topic to "Open party at Minko's  <Minko>
You can all come"
<Minko> Stop it guys, I'm busy this weekend
<Minko> I've got big things planned
*** mrBlond changes topic to "Open party at Minko's  <Minko>
You can all come <Minko> I've got big things planned"
<Minko> Aaargh

<daem0n_> i got new car radio the other day, its pretty cool.
you shout soul and it plays soul, you shout rock and it plays
rock. the other day some kids ran past my car and i yelled
"FUCKING KIDS" and it played michael jackson.

<+Radial> i think my mother knows i watch porn
<+Radial> i can't tell...
<Tsukari> Are you a male?
<+Radial> i am
<Tsukari> She knows.

Ben174: fuckin paypal.. they need new databases or something..
seems like every other day i get an email and have to go
update my account information.

<dArEn> I used to be bad at math, but I did a 360 in that

Unregistered> I think shes finally lost it...she sitting in
the corner going *beep* *beep* and pretending shes a computer
in the hope I will pay attention to her....

<dsully> please describe web 2.0 to me in 2 sentences or less.
<jwb> you make all the content. they keep all the revenue.

(Mutiny) I'm talking to my mom online and she just said "i
could use a good vibrator. i know you dont want to hear that
but a woman has needs"
* Mutiny runs and washes his eyes out with bleach

<infoe> silmaril: what about jesus on the cross
<infoe> and he calls to peter
<infoe> and peter tries to approach
<infoe> and the roman guards prevent him with violence
<infoe> they blacken his eye
<infoe> and scuff him up pretty good
<infoe> and jesus calls him again
<infoe> <jesus> peter.
<infoe> and peter cries "i'm coming lord" and throws himself
at the guards
<infoe> who beat him roughly and break his arm
<infoe> at which point he whimpers off
<infoe> again jesus calls to peter <jesus> peter...
<infoe> peter yells to christ "i am coming!" and he throws
himself at the guards again
<infoe> putting up a vicious struggle but not laying a hand of
violence on the guards
<infoe> finally they concent to let him pass
<infoe> and peter .. his broken arm.. badly bruised and
slashed makes it before jesus and kneels and says "i am here
father what is it that you want of me?"
<infoe> <jesus> peter, i can see your house from here

<Beeth>  Progress (n.):  The process through which the
Internet has evolved from smart
<Beeth>  people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in
front of smart terminals.

<Ulm> Sigh. I've lost my cow.
<Ulm> I think she's learned to open her gate and she's gone.
<Ulm> Been looking for about 5 hours now.
<dal-X> Need more cowbell.

<VFR8> Omg
<VFR8> I was driving home today and I saw the best license
plate
<VFR8> 56K SRY

<Shaft> i was just reading a news headline and i thought it
said "double amputee conquers everquest" and i was like whoa
<Shaft> but is said everest
<Shaft> which is far less impressive

<BlackHawk> LULU: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
<LULU> You wear pants don't you?

<Maky> Women do:
<Maky> - Piercings in the strangest places
<Maky> - Tatoos everywhere
<Maky> - Face liftings
<Maky> - Cesarian Birth
<Maky> - Liposuction
<Maky> - Chirurgial reduction of the abdomen.
<Maky> - Plucking of facial hair and eyebrows
<Maky> - Depilation with hot wax
<Maky> SO HOW CAN THEY DARE TO TELL YOU "IT HURTS" WHEN YOU
ASK FOR SOME ANAL SEX?!?!?

<shaqzilla> I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is
for black people.

<dil-hole> Today I was at a restaurant and was waiting for my
food. 
<dil-hole> Then I started to play my DS on pictochat see? And
I found someone that was playing it too. 
<dil-hole> We started to draw pictures and thinking it was
some older guy and everything, I was joking around and drew a
penis.
<dil-hole> I looked up to see who it was and about 20 feet
away, I heard a gasp. I look up and it s a 10 year old girl
with a DS in her hands.
<dil-hole> I immediately closed my DS and hid it. That was
freaken scary.

<Travis> Why don't you just keep your hair brown?
<Alex> It's not brown
<Alex> It's auburn
<Travis> What the fuck is Auburn?
<Alex> ...
<Rex> He's a guy, he only sees like 10 colours or something,
don't do this to him.

<Blabber> i just started working out, to get me some muscle
and feel confident
<Blabber> so after the first time, i come home and look at
myself in the mirror
<Blabber> to see if there is already improvement
<Blabber> my mom steps in and says "you look good enough to
play in a warmovie"
<Blabber> so she boosts my confidence and i say thx! like a
sergeant you mean?
<Blabber> and i swear to god then she says: no like a
concentration camp victim
<Blabber> she left the room laughing her ass off...

<Ashley> No, believe me... my job SUCKS.
<Ashley> We have to clock out to go to the bathroom. What kind
of shit is that?
<Robert> The kind you don't get paid for.

<Deffy> Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies,
I get candy.

<QJ> your grandma opened the shower door
<QJ> while you were wanking?
<knox> yep
<knox> it was worse than that
<QJ> she finished you off?

<LkTruth1> I am the most intelligence person in this channel.

<cSk|Sperry> There were 2 people on a boat: /hop and /quit. /
hop got off, who's still on the boat?
* nipple_frog has quit IRC

Seppukakke: You know, in the Old Testament, God was full of
Wroth and Vengeance. You did bad stuff, he rained brimstone
down on your ungrateful ass or harrassed your people with 7
plagues.
Seppukakke: In the New Testament, its like he has turned over
a new leaf, you don't hear some much of the nasty things he
did to his people (because if you believe in it, everyone on
earth is his creation)
Seppukakke: You know what happened around the time between the
New Testament and the Old Testament?
Seppukakke: He got laid.

<Jesus> a black baby died and went to heaven
<Jesus> and god looked at him and said, "you've earned your
wings"
<Jesus> and gave the black baby wings
<Jesus> the black baby look up and said, "am i really an angel
now"
<Jesus> and God looked down and said,
<Jesus> "HELL NAW, NIGGA, YOU A BAT"

<n909> cool the girl across the street has her window on
<n909> and it's light enough that i can use binoculars
<n909> brb
<jack|ass> n909: you are a horrible person.
<jack|ass> n909: a gentleman would set up a webcam so all
could enjoy.

<Ben> good weather for mowing my ass...
<Ben> er...
<Ben> "good weather for mowing" my ass

<Geologist[afkr]> knock knock
<thebigmike1983[FARK]> who's there?
<Geologist[afkr]> 9/11
<thebigmike1983[FARK]> 9/11 who?
<Geologist[afkr]> YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!

< Rei> who lived in a pineapple under the sea, SPONGEBOB
SQUAREPANTS
< Rei> who died in an oil spill because of bp, SPONGEBOB
SQUAREPANTS!

<nOmAd93-8> oh, I've lost a ke.-button on m. ke.board... which
is after "x" and before "z"!!
<68-bbb> there aren't any keys between z and x, dumbass

<watashi-wa>necrophilia is dead boring
<chersucks> wtf?!?
<watashi-wa>try incest instead
<watashi-wa>it's only relatively boring :p

Steve: I was buying condoms for a friend of mine at the beach
in a drug store
Steve: and I also picked up one of those freezable ice packs
cuz I hurt my knee surfing that day
Steve: I put both of the items on teh counter
Steve: the big black guy behind the counter looks at me and
says quite loudly
Steve: son, what are you gonna do to that poor girl
Steve: this older couple that was checking out looks at me and
then hurries out fo the store

sdrawkcab yekim: tomorrow i'm going to drink 10 gallons of
water
revmoo: why
sdrawkcab yekim: i wanna see how long i can pee for one time
revmoo1: that's it, I'm done with the Internet

<artof tanz>God i'm a loser.
<artof tanz>Some commercial for a sitcom said this
<artof tanz>wife: "what color are my eyes?!" husband: "34C"
<artof tanz>and I'm like, wtf thats not an RGB value

Nexion: Dustin is so stupid
Nexion: i told him, there is no real proof of god
Nexion: and he goes there doesn't need to be
Nexion: and i said "well then im god"
Nexion: and he goes "prove it."
Nexion: ...

cromar: If there is a God, why does he/she allow disasters
like earthquakes and Microsoft?
dvice_null: Are you comparing a disaster that causes billions
of dollars financial losses and thousands of people to lose
their home every year, to a natural movement of tectonic
plates? That's low.

<M[at]> know what I hate?
<M[at]> when you download shrek 2, and find its in german
<M[at]> then download it again and get it in french
<M[at]> then download it again and finding its a different
film
<M[at]> then do you know whats worse?
<M[at]> when you download debbie does dallas
<M[at]> and get the english version of shrek 2 :(

<fenriz> my mother found some of my porn the other day
<fenriz> I'm not sure which folder she found, but I can safely
assume she only scratched the surface
<fenriz> because she complimented me on my taste

<Rei> What's Microsoft Works?
<K> An oxymoron.

[Lord-Data] Id like to know.. Who discovered cows could be
milked, and WTF WAS HE DOING!?

<Orajim> I was in the bathroom today and written above one of
the urinals said "The joke isn't on the wall, it's in your
hands"
<Orajim> I never felt so small in my life.

<RushMore> fuck yuo
<RushMore> fuck yuo
<RushMore> fuc kyou
<Diablo1399> okay rushmore, you've tried to say "fuck you" 3
times now
and you still can't get it
<RushMore> twice
<RushMore> the seconds was a repeat of the first
<Diablo1399> whatever, you're still retarded
<RushMore> fukc you

<Trin[awah]> I was dyeing easter eggs, and I said, "my eggs
came out all ugly!"
<Trin[awah]> and my brother said to me, "well, now you know
how your mother feels."

< Ergo^> Six Stages of Debugging
< Ergo^> 1. That can't happen.
< Ergo^> 2. That doesn't happen on my machine.
< Ergo^> 3. That shouldn't happen.
< Ergo^> 4. Why does that happen?
< Ergo^> 5. Oh, I see.
< Ergo^> 6. How did that ever work?
< MatthewWilkes> 7. svn blame
< miniwark> 8. one day we will write tests

<Xeph> fuck
<Xeph> i meant to create 2 rar files at 200000000 bytes a
piece
<Xeph> not 200000000 files
<Xeph> at 2 bytes a piece

<cave> what does stfu mean??
<nso> shut the fuck up
<cave> sor-ry.. it was a simple question.. no reason to get so
mad..

<DigDug> i think i'm gonna walk to the movie theater and see
dinosaur...
<kimy-> and be surrounded by like 10 year old girls?
<Amanda_> He said Dinosaur, not N'Sync.

<@DemocracyDan> 5 votes to get kyhx banned!
<@DemocracyDan> fine if you are all going to spit in the face
of democracy by not voting we won't allow talking at all
* DemocracyDan sets mode: +m
* DemocracyDan is now known as NaziNorm
<@NaziNorm> this is what happens when you don't allow your
voices to be heard
<@NaziNorm> they get taken away
<@NaziNorm> think about that for awhile

<Fade_> heh, truent, you have a big fat dick up my ass 
<Fade_> err your ass

donchongo: i wonder what possesed some one to invent play-doh
and silly putty
Wildfire: poop dries out to fast
donchongo: that really put a screeching halt to my thought
process

<Clinton> "Here in canada, we have a special program to deal
with the homeless, its called "winter""

<[Midgard]Reynard[50DRG]> a friend of mine once commented that
huamns are the only species to go out of our way to obtain
milk after we've been weaned, I replied that we were the only
species with cookies

<monarch> the other day i skipped church and went to get
something to eat at 7-11
<monarch> i paid with a 10 and recieved $6.66 in change.
<monarch> am i going to hell?
<qbert> almost certainly
<monarch> fuck

<KJ> I was in a shop in Britain, when an American tourist in
front of me tried to pay for something in US dollars. The shop
keeper politely told her that this was Britain, and you can't
use U.S. dollars here. The lady replied... "But I had no
problems in other third world countries"

<Spazz`> I know that I'm supposed to respect my neighbors'
culture because they're hispanic, but I wish that wifebeating
was a little quieter.

<wahnsinn> $4000 for a couch?
<griff> you could feed some kid in africa for TEN YEARS for
that couch
<Mo> but could you sit on him afterward?

(Deranged): I like my women like I like my coffee.
(Jet): Black?
(SteveTheImpermeableHamster): full of your cream?
(mistik): hawt?
(Jet): Columbian?
(Aimee): hot?
(Jet): From McDonalds?
(SteveTheImpermeableHamster): in a cup?
(Jet): Spilt all over your lap?
(mistik): cheap?
(Deranged): No..
(Deranged): Ground up, and in the freezer.
(mistik): oh
(mistik): lmao

drool: i did a bit of an audit one month and discovered i had
spent $600 on alcohol so i gave it up
drool: the auditing, not the alcohol

<cygnus> oi
<cygnus> in windows
<cygnus> what it mean
<cygnus> if the folder has a hand underneaath it
<Sephiroth> means it is shared
<Sephiroth> across your network
<cygnus> how did you know that
<cygnus> i thought it meant itwas heavy
<cygnus> or something
<cygnus> like
<cygnus> it's got 10 gigs in it

<wenko> today in java the prof asked the class for a simple
iterator where we can  use some math
<wenko> so this one guy pipes up and says "Make it an address
book, and It will calcuate the percentage of girls that slept
with you"
<wenko> the prof looks up and says "I can't do that", meaning
its not appropriate
<wenko> so the guy yells back "why not?"
<wenko> and the first thing that came to mind i said "You get
an error when you divide by zero"

<FuzLogic> I never did figure out how to open the damn doors
on the landing boats.
<mirth> "how i survived normandy" by FuzLogic

<TheFoundation> the statue of liberty was never meant as a
peace offering
<TheFoundation> the french just forgot to build an exit for
their troops
<Slash0> :D

*** wolex has joined #lockergnome
|wolex| hi
|wolex| Anyone active at this time?
* nobody is
|wolex| thanks
|wolex| but I need some help
* nobody can help you
|wolex| thanks again
* nobody wants to help you
|wolex| have a great day then
|wolex| oh thats better
|wolex| and why is that
|wolex| oh. nobody is a name!!!
|nobody| hahaha

<walt> So I play Tony Hawk Pro Skater all the time right
<walt> And I'm thinking
<walt> That's so awesome, I should learn how to skate!
<walt> So one of my sister's friends left her skateboard here,
and I started to dick around on it
<walt> Long story short, I fell over and broke my wrist
<walt> Now I can't play Tony Hawk.
<norl> lol dumbass

(ComradOtter) "A train station is where a train stops. A bus
station is where a bus stops. On my desk I have a
workstation..."

<s4xton> "fo shizzle ma nizzle" is a bastardization of "fo'
sheezy mah neezy" which is a bastardization of "for sure mah
nigga" which is a bastdardization of "I concur with you whole
heartedly my African american brother"

<WickedClown> well one night after sex i was lazy and left the
condom on the floor till morning
<WickedClown> her dog ate it
<WickedClown> and her dad found it hanging from the dogs butt
the next day

<Fabrice> GNAW ON NO WANG.
<Fabrice> This message brought to you by the Society of
Lesbians for Palindrome Advancement

<Kira> Tuesday was Groundhog Day and the State of the Union
Address.  As Air America Radio pointed out, it is an ironic
juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we
look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication
and the other involves a groundhog.

<nepredi> i was watching doom in the cinema today
<nepredi> there was a very exciting scene where it was matter
of life or death
<nepredi> and some guy behind me screams "SAVE IT, IDIOT!"

* qwerty- wonders why Home and End aren't yet implemented
<qwerty-> pretty useful keys, for me at least
<Mike`> The Home key works for me; everytime I press it, I
look around and I'm at home.
<Mike`> I haven't had the guts to try the End key yet.

<Neo-Tokyo> wouldnt you say suicide is a permenant solution to
a temporary problem?
<`[6]> I'm a Buddhist, I'd say suicide is a temporary solution
to a permanent problem.

<Bwaa> I tend to do stupid things when I panic
<Bwaa> Like when I accidently poked my friend in the eye,
panicked and poked him in the other one.. because it seemed
the sensible thing to do

<fraseyboy> you know what i just realized?
<fraseyboy> I can be anyone i want on IRC!!!!!
<fraseyboy> ...
* fraseyboy is now known as fraseyman

<jude> First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing
because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the
nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs.

(@der-carsten`) tim? no school today?
(@Alucard`) it's saturday...
(@der-carsten`) no, it's thursday
Alucard` is now known as Alucard`school

<m[e]ntor> Does anyone know where I can buy 100 m of wireless
lan cable?
<insight> Well, you could try NASA's "things not yet and never
will be invented"-department or something.

<Jesse> hello, I am Jesse, male, 28 years old, caucasian, and
am looking for friends to chat with. I hope to see you online
<Amanda`> I HOPE TO SEE YOU FACE-DOWN IN A QUAGMIRE WITH A
NINE IRON LODGED BETWEEN YOUR SHOULDER BLADES

Alittleredhead16: why'd you get off yahoo
LamontOfnazareth: Because I got bored.
Alittleredhead16: ooohhhhhhhhhh
Alittleredhead16: yea sure
Alittleredhead16: dont lie, its becuz you think i'm ugly
LamontOfNazareth: No. I closed your webcam because I think
you're ugly.
LamontOfNazareth: I got off because I got bored.

<Locke|Away> Listen, this is purely theoretical, but is it
dangerous to get a cat high?
<Boko> only one way to find out o_O
<Locke|Away> Like, not making him eat it or anything, but
let's say there is a cat around the smoke.
<Locke|Away> That's not going to hurt the cat or anything,
right?
<Odyslep> don't think so
<Odyslep> unless it ODs
<Odyslep> prolly give it a cough too
<Locke|Away> Let's say it hasn't coughed but it keeps trying
to jump on top of the TV set and it keeps missing. 
<Locke|Away> Would that sort of cat be in any trouble?

<Redden> you know what you shouldn't take on planes?
<Sealab> Leslie Nielson?
<Bagel> Box Cutters?
<Dodge> William Shatners?
<Scotty> Gameboys?
<DotTom> Babies?
<The Amazing Rando> Wesley Snipes?
<seander> Flaming torches?
<Gib Yob> Vials of smallpox?
<Kelvin> Zombies?
<Tomuber> Mutha fuckin snakes?

<TC|crapping> I AM HOMOSEXUAL AND SHOULDN'T LEAVE MY STUPID
GAME LOGGED IN WHEN I GO TO THE RESTROOM.
<TC|crapping> Love, TC's wife.

<wasted> fuck
<wasted> lol
<wasted> apperantly transparancy can go 100%
<wasted> invisible
<wasted> i have a window somewhere. in my screen.
<wasted> god knows where ;
<sc0tt> LOL

<s3ph>      ^_^              <-----<<<
<s3ph>      ^_^            <-----<<<
<s3ph>      ^_^          <-----<<<
<s3ph>      ^_^        <-----<<<
<s3ph>      O_o      <-----<<<
<s3ph>      o_O    <-----<<<
<s3ph>      O_o  <-----<<<
<s3ph>      O_O<-----<<<
<s3ph>      O_x----<<<
<s3ph>     <x_x--<<<
<s3ph>   <--x_x<<<
<s3ph> <----x_x<
<s3ph> ----<x_x
<s3ph> --<<<x_x
<s3ph> <<<  x_x
<s3ph> <    x_x
<s3ph>      x_x

<sthmnstr> So I was in this restauraunt with my gf the other
day and she wanted to emberas me.
<sthmnstr> I had eaten too much and was holding my stomach
moaning and then she's all like 'aww, is the baby kicking?'
and i said 'Yup. Thats the last time I eat one of those
whole...'

<phil> ok ok ops quiz
<phil> what's the command to leave an irc channel?
* Garron has quit IRC (Quit: )

<@Pie> unemployment rocks
<@Commander> you got fired?
<@Pie> long story
<@Commander> well, you're not going anywhere

<sutna> You wouldn't think that not knowing the difference
between a cupboard and a drawer could break apart a family.
<Seeker> It can?
<sutna> When I was like 6 my mom bought my grandmom a present
on my behalf for her birthday. She told me it was in the
cupboard and I should go fetch it for granny.
<Seeker> I can see where this is going..
<sutna> So granny is sitting on the couch waiting for her
present and I looked in the drawer instead of the cupboard , I
came running out the room holding a huge black ribbed dildo.
<Seeker> Well I feel sorry for you but you won't be offended
if I piss myself laughing?
<sutna> spose not
<Seeker> WA HA AH AAHA AHA AHA AHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

<ShadowFury-> whats command for new nick name
* ChoBo is now known as gaynamehere
<Whitehorn> '/nick
<gaynamehere> err shit

<Skane|Insane> some idiot has the admin pass on his porn site
as admin/admin
<Realjones> link
<Kraglar> LINK
<Skywier> url
<tran> link plz
<tran> :P
<Previa> link skane~
<ben-> HAHAHHA
<Realjones> if you dont link you are banned

<PigsCantFly> SO MY MUM WAS LIKE "CLEAN YOUR ROOM" AND IM LIKE
"NO WAY FACIST" IM THE PUNKEST
<@K0ffing> THEN I SAID I'M 12 NOW MUM I CAN STAY OUT AS LONG
AS I LIKE AND SHE SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM SO I STABBED HER WITH
MY LINKIN PARK PEN
<PigsCantFly> D00D MY MUM SAID SHE DOESNT WANT ME SKATING IN
THE HOUSE BUT I WAS LIKE NO WAY HITLER AND I KICK-FLIPPED TO
INDY GRIND ON THE CAT

<@Laplie|Gone> I just don't place periods at the end of my
sentences every time.
<@TacoMaster> Periods are important...
<@TacoMaster> You start missing periods...
<@TacoMaster> Next thing you know...
<@TacoMaster> BLAMMO!
<@TacoMaster> Babies.

Amul Muzz said:
Why do I get the feeling that this is really a mob, just
waiting for someone to say something they do not agree with?
chrismjr said:
That's the best description for the internet I've ever heard

<Amanda`> We're going to have matching motherboards and
processors
<timmo> AMANDA: NOW THAT IS THE TYPE OF WEIRD SHIT IM TALKING
ABOUT
<timmo> MOST WOMEN WANT MATCHING SHEETS AND SHIT
<timmo> weirdo

<cali310> I heard the most ridiculous comment ever made by a
newscaster last night on fox........
<cali310> He said, "the Iraqis have hundreds of seasoned
suicide bombers"
<cali310> How in the fuck does one become a seasoned suicide
bomber?

( dogbert ) how do u do those action thingies?
( cams ) alt-f4
·· Quits: dogbert (client exited)
( cams ) ...
( mmmalice ) haha
( cams ) are you kidding me?
( Psy ) hahahaha
* dogbert has joined #pacult
( dogbert ) haha funny
( Psy ) It's alt f4
( Psy ) you hit alt f5
·· Quits: dogbert (client exited)

* Joins: Pronto ()
<MSminion> PRONTO!! YOUR BACK!!!
<Pronto> I brought my front, too.
<MSminion> Whoa! Both of 'em? Wow.
* Pronto bows.
<MSminion> What about your left?
<Pronto> Nope. It got left, right over there.
<MSminion> Right.
<Pronto> No, it left.
<MSminion> No left or right, then?
<Pronto> Damn straight.

<David> Finally. It works. My Palm is working.
<schnorks> Now you can hold stuff

<Kury^> the other day i found out that my Uni's fire
evacuation policy for ppl with wheelchairs is to 'push them
into a room, close the door, escape and then give the room
number to the firemen'

Trauma Kittten: OMG
MY CAT JUST JIZZED ON ME
Trauma Kittten:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
lordviram: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
lordviram: wtf didi you do to it?
lordviram: i didnt know you were into all that
lordviram: lol
lordviram: wow
Trauma Kittten: well he's a longhair cat
Trauma Kittten: and sometimes his pants get matted
Trauma Kittten: so i was holding him on my lap
Trauma Kittten: and he was purring with his eyes closed and i'm like
trying to untangle them
Trauma Kittten: then i realized one of the bunches wasn't a tangle, it was
his nuts
Trauma Kittten: they both kinda feel the same
Trauma Kittten: then my hand gets a glob of clear stuff on it
lordviram: wow
Trauma Kittten: i'm gonna kill myself
lordviram: that's just
lordviram: hahahahaha
Trauma Kittten: i just jerked my cat off
lordviram: i'd say something but nothing can really add to the effect of
admitting you just jerked off your cat
Trauma Kittten: heh....
Trauma Kittten: i'm surprised that one didn't make it to your profile heh
lordviram: that's cuz i'm gonna post that to bash.org
lordviram: LOL
Trauma Kittten: !
lordviram: ....wow
Trauma Kittten: OH NO
Trauma Kittten: the cat is back
Trauma Kittten: heh
lordviram: maybe it wants to return the favor
lordviram: heh
Trauma Kittten: well there was one site i saw where it recommended putting
whipped cream on your clit and letting em lick it off
Trauma Kittten: but i wouldn' go that far, i don't think
lordviram: you dont think?
lordviram: o.0
lordviram: well. you did just jack off your cat.
Trauma Kittten: BUT I DIDN'T MEAN TO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
Trauma Kittten: i was just trying to make him have nice pants
lordviram: you are one freaky chick

<nerd> my wife installed IE7
<nerd> because she felt like it
<ct> where did you bury the body?

<Chirako> You know what cereal is really nasty?
<Chirako> Gravy Train.
<Chirako> It's like, these little hard pieces of bran and
crumbly beef flavored crap.  You pour water over it, and it
gets soggy and makes gravy around it.
<Disco_Ernie> Chirako..that's...dog food..
<Chirako> It was NOT dog food!
<Chirako> Mommy wouldn't feed me dog food!
* Chirako looks at Mommy
<Chirako> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
<Chirako> IT'S DOG FOOD!
<Chirako> http://www.gravytraindog.com/
<Chirako> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
<Chirako> She's always been obsessed with me eating dog
food... >_<
<Chirako> When I was little, she told me the Jerky Treats were
real jerky, and I kept eating the whole bag
* Chirako gags
<Chirako> If there's one thing dogs love, it's rich,
<Chirako> beefy gravy. That's why every nugget of
<Chirako> Gravy Train is basted in real beef juices.
<Chirako> Just mix it with warm water, and you can
<Chirako> give your dog a warm homestyle meal,
<Chirako> dripping with the delicious gravy he loves.
* Chirako graons
<Chirako> Oh, man.... I'm gonna kill her
<Disco_Ernie> At least Chirako will have:
<Disco_Ernie> Healthy skin
<Disco_Ernie>  Glossy coat
<Disco_Ernie>  Strong teeth and bones
<Disco_Ernie>  Builds and maintains body tissue
<Disco_Ernie>  Efficient digestion
<Disco_Ernie>  Clear eyes
<Chirako> ..I should have known.
<Chirako> She NEVER makes me breakfast

<FlourescentGerbil> My mom is going to kill me
<FlourescentGerbil> I was supposed to be watching my little
brother, but while I was jacking off to porn, my brother
wasted a quarter pound of beef trying to create a beef
milkshake

<shwatta> never drinking again
<shwatta> went out yesterday for a few lunch time beers in the
city right
<shwatta> those 'few' turned into lots
<shwatta> woke up at 9am the next day in a park down by the
beach which is 30 kilometres away from the city... no phone,
no wallet, no memory, blood all over myself with no obvious
wounds
<shwatta> the weirdest thing was that in my hands there was
this little statue of a hindu god with a massive grin on its
face

<TheShadowHunter> I wish I wore an eyepatch
<TheShadowHunter> itd give me that air of mystery that the
ladies find irresistible
<Saria> Ahahaha
<Saria> Wtf
<Saria> Yeah, eyepatches totally up teh sekz0r fact0r
<TheShadowHunter> psssh you say that now
<TheShadowHunter> but wait till youre milling around at a
party
<TheShadowHunter> and all of a sudden the doors open and I
walk in wearing a tux and an eyepatch
<TheShadowHunter> and people gasp
<TheShadowHunter> and an uncomfortable buzz fills the room as
people try to return to their former joviality
<TheShadowHunter> "I heard he lost that eye defending an
orphanage from a killer!"
<TheShadowHunter> "I heard he lost it deep in the amazon!"
<TheShadowHunter> "Hes so mysterious!"
<TheShadowHunter> "So sexy!"
<TheShadowHunter> and all the ladies would want me
<TheShadowHunter> till I tell them I was running with
silverware and stabbed myself in the eye with a fork

<prence> oh
<prence> my
<prence> god
<prence> i just hit the print button
<prence> instead of save
<prence> on some porn
<prence> and its printing out on my moms printer
<prence> and im upstairs
<prence> and cant do anything about it

<Brinstar> If it wasn't for C, we'd be using BASI, PASAL and
OBOL.

<thefwf> I just realised soemthing while watching spongebob
with my mates
<thefwf> They were like "wtf, how come the food stays on the
plate underwater"
<thefwf> and I was like
<thefwf> "WHY IS THERE A TALKING SPONGE LIVING IN A FUCKING
PINEAPPLE"

<BlastuR> i'm new to C++ (and C), and I want to learn C++.
I've got Visual C++. It seems to me that a lot of stuff
compiles even if you mix C and C++ code.. is there any way I
can set the compiler in strict C++ mode, I don't want to learn
C/C++ mix mode ;)
<qDotWork> BlastuR: You need a segregating compiler
<qDotWork> I think the KKK has one on their website.
<qDotWork> Also, name your functions things like "NoCHere" and
"CGoHome" and "CIsTheImpureRace", to let C know that you'll
have none of it around.
<qDotWork> I'm actually working some concentration camps for C
right now.
* qDotWork is now known as CppHitler
<kewk> BlastuR, you can't compile only C++, as C and C++
overlap a lot.
<CppHitler> NEIN
<CppHitler> DAS C++ IST DIE ABSCHLIEßENDE LöSUNG
<cynic_X_> HEIL

<Fluidmist> so, who wants to come to mexico with me?
<technophobe> i would, but i dont speak mexican
<Fluidmist> i thought you spoke spanish.
<techophobe> i do, i dont speak mexican though
<Fluidmist> are you serious?
<technophobe> what? yes
<Fluidmist> who wants to be the one to explain this to him?

<Andries> jesus if i can run this myspace page i could probs
run crysis

<Ich> Why are you hosting on port 666?
<Texasdex> just for the hell of it

Yakuza: We get telemarketers all the time calling my house
Yakuza: So one night me and my friends got together and waited
for one to call
Yakuza: When one did, I picked it up and was like talking to
the guy, giving him that false hope
Yakuza: Then I had my friends ring the doorbell, and I was
like oh hold on
Yakuza: I went to the door and had my friends like shout shit
like "There he is! Get him!"
Yakuza: And we started popping balloons and had a movie on
full blast in the background
Yakuza: And then I let out this gut wrenching scream
Yakuza: I let the line go silent, and the guy on the other end
was like "uhh... sir?"
Yakuza: Then my friend ran over and picked up the phone and
was like "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS!?"
Yakuza: I guess he hung up like instantly :D

<Beerman> I demand random linkage! link me to strange things,
and entertain me
<tate> http://www.goatse.cx/
<ecs> i was just gunna say that...
<Beerman> my word, whats wrong with that mans bottom?

<Hat> Someone explain this to me.
<Hat> On an 80 minute CD
<Hat> I somehow recorded 1 hour and 15 minutes of music
<Lobot> That's 75 minutes.
<Hat> .....
<Hat> oh.  right.
<Hat> Goddamn time.

<IAX> You can't spell manslaughter without laughter.

<khamosis> oh man... i had typed "hey! anyone awake?" in
another channel about 20 minutes ago
<khamosis> and just now i saw it and typed "yes!" not
realizing it was me

<quintessential> HOLY SHIT! SOMEONE JUST FIRED A FIRECRACKER
ONTO MY BALCNONY
<kuntraver> heh
<quintessential> i should close teh door, but its not a noisy
one, its just a sparkler on steroids i tink
<kuntraver> anyhoo, how are the submissions going?
<quintessential> ok, i just uploaded a batch yesterday
<quintessential> wtf
<kuntraver> ?
<quintessential> CRAP MY CAT IS ON FIRE!!!!!!

<G-Nat> i love the graffiti in the physics toilets at uni
<G-Nat> a physics student wrote "Arts Degree Dispenser" on the
toilet paper dispenser

[ Skip ] my mum told me she deleted "that program that you
have obscene conversations on"
[ Skip ] i came on and irc was still here
[ Skip ] yet my winamp is gone :S

* Therapist is now known as TheRapist
<Zvorg> ...
<JebusCrip> ...
<Stateobv> dotdotdot
<TheRapist> What? I like capitalizing random letters..

<Sollen> so were walking back to the lab I m distracted and
paying attention that were coming up to the street and I go to
put my foot down and the curb isn't there any more.
<Sollen> and I actually realize I'm starting to fall, and I
could of tried to stumble and keep walking; except I have my
laptop in my bookbag and after the trouble I had I'm not about
to risk banging it around.  So my geek impulses say "save the
computer; sacrifice your body"
<Sollen> I guess all the martial arts helps because I managed
to do this nice slow controlled fall to the ground, at the
last minute I let go of my soda to throw my hand to the ground
and somehow the soda  manages to fall  so it's standing face
up without spilling a drop.
<Sollen> so there I am lying in the middle of this road in
center of campus with everyone staring at me after I just did
this perfect drop from standing position to lying position
completely uninjured without spilling a drop
<Sollen> so I decide to play it cool, I just lie there like
"yeah I meant to do that, I was just getting tired so I
thought I would take a nap right here"

<glyph> For example - if you came in here asking "how do I use
a jackhammer" we might ask "why do you need to use a
jackhammer"
<glyph> If the answer to the latter question is "to knock my
grandmother's head off to let out the evil spirits that gave
her cancer", then maybe the problem is actually unrelated to
jackhammers

<Razhal> The internet is a beautiful place....
<Razhal> Because no matter what kind of twisted freak you are,
you've got a friend out there :D
<Razhal> You could ask the internet "Find people who have sex
with goats on fire."
<Razhal> And internet will ask you, "What kind of goats?"

*** UndErX has joined #help
<UndErX> sup lamer newbies
<UndErX> answer this if u r not newbiez:
<FiEsTy-> well, ask
<UndErX> no newbie lamer
<UndErX> lamerz
<FiEsTy-> hey please dont type /quit fiesty- because it makes
me quit IRC.. please
*** Quits: UndErX (Quit: fiesty-)

<headlessj> i dl winrar, and it came in a .rar file

<Ariela> I want a man that is like a purse: looks good on your
arm, carries your things, and hopefully matches your shoes.
<Nap> I want a woman who's like a good pair of shoes: looks
good, provides support, and doesn't recite stupid analogies.

<Potato> I've known her for years and I've always wanted to
fuck her.
<Potato> But her last boyfriend was a 6 foot 7 black man.
<Potato> So I just don't try.
<Potato> I'm above average, but he was a giant black man.
<Potato> I mean, c'mon.
<Potato> He was like Godzilla, but black.  Like Shaftzilla.
<memo> Did he smash Japanese skyscrapers with his dong?
<Potato> Yes.
<Potato> Yes he did.

Iridium24: If there is one thing i can do, its multitask

<g1powermac> unbelievable
<g1powermac> we caught someone dumping trash in our dumpster
<g1powermac> wouldn't be a problem if trash pickup was free
<g1powermac> we couldn't stop the person in time, so we took
the trash out, went through it, found an address in the mail
in it, and dumped the trash back at their house

<COMRED> A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a
bar. The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says
"hey buddy, I heard you like pork." The trichonosis larva
looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says
"indeed, I encyst upon it."
<COMRED> Hahah. You get it? It's a homonymn.
<COMRED> fuck you all.

sup4hleet: eh, she's cute and has a rack you could mount a
server in

<Fustard> fuck
<Fustard> now im bored.
<Fustard> oh well
<Fustard> at least i have a cock and the internet.
<Fustard> ill do something with that.

<Harkila> i've always wondered what "holy shit" actually is
<Harkila> my strongest mental image is about the pope taking a
crap
<bleak-> a radiant turd with a halo
<Rancid-> like, xbox?

<Suriko> I HAVE DONE IT
<Suriko> I HAVE BEATEN THE CLAW MACHINE
<Suriko> I HAVE BURNT ITS FIELDS, AND HEARD THE LAMENTATIONS
OF ITS WOMEN
<Suriko> I got a teddy bear and a Shrek donkey <3

<Trust> How fast is a 486?
<Archon> dude, a 486 is 486mhz
<Archon> thats why its called a 486 you dumb fucking newb

<Mango> Haha, I went to the bathroom, came out, and ripped off
a piece of sweet bread that was on the table and my dad says
"What the hell are you doing? Did you wash your hands?"
<Mango> I said "no, but I didnt piss on my hands so dont
worry"
<Mango> "doesnt matter" he says "your hands were still all
over your dick"
<Mango> "Who cares? My dick, along with my entire body, came
out of YOUR dick"
<Mango> So now we can't look eachother in the eyes anymore.

<PhantomSkyfire> I was practicing with crutches and broke my
leg.

Delilah> I hate parties, because you have to look good, but if
you look too good other girls get jealous, and if you look not
good enough they talk nasty about you.
[kerrrigan] yeah
[kerrrigan] that never happens at halo parties

<Pepe> there are 2 kids in the fourth grade, one white and one
black, which one has the bigger dick
<L@cky> the black one
<Pepe> why?
<L@cky> cuz hes black dipshit
<Pepe> no fuckface, the nigger's 25!
<Nostradom> Dude, stop making fun of black people.
<Nostradom> Seriously, I used to have a really good black
friend.
<L@cky> used to?
<Nostradom> money was short...we had to sell him

* Entoutcas has quit IRC (Quit: And the Lord said unto John;
Come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and
won a toaster...)

<lulzngigulz> there was this kid i met
<lulzngigulz> and apparently he likes me a lot, but luckily,
he lives far away
<lulzngigulz> how do i tell him to move on?
<WTFchristianOMG> ok, here's what you do
<WTFchristianOMG> pretend you have a bf
<WTFchristianOMG> that's the gentle way to do it
<WTFchristianOMG> "Yeah, you can meet John!  He's so awesome!"
<WTFchristianOMG> or, alternatively, talk about how hot other
guys are
<WTFchristianOMG> that happened to me, it took me two days to
figure out i was being told to take a hike
<lulzngigulz> hey christian
<lulzngigulz> i think we should hang out
<lulzngigulz> you can meet andrew, he's so cool
<lulzngigulz> but first i want to tell you about luke, he's so
hot

<Teratogen> What did the drunk say to Jesus when Jesus dropped
the cross?
<@James> uh oh
<Teratogen> "You keep dropping that thing and they're gonna
throw you outta the parade."
*** You have been kicked from channel #bible (that was so not
funny)

<Boyzoid> we went through almost 4 cases of beer
<Boyzoid> and most of that was drunk by my dad and I
<Boyzoid> I get my liver form him
<jamiejackson> you'll get it from someone else soon

<@joosa> how do you say float in java? just 1.5f?
<@Gliptic> FloatFactoryFactory.getInstance
(FloatFactoryFactory.defaultInstanceDescriptionString).getFactory
(Locale.getLocale("en-US")).createBuilder().setString
("1.5").getResult()

jeisai: Real Men of Genius. Today we salute you, Mr.
Compulsive Away Message Checker. While most people are out
actually having a fun life, you are at home reading about it
on your computer screen. Right mouse click, Get Buddy Info, or
the little Info box at the bottom of the Buddy List. You have
people on that list you haven't talked to in years, but you
still loyally read their away messages every day to see what
they're up to. So, crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Marauder
of the Mousepad, and don't wander too far from your computer
because you never know when someone's away message may change.
joejoe: you didn't type that, thats too proper for you to have
done.
joejoe: where did you get it?
jeisai: it was on somoene's away message...
joejoe: so its about you then?

<drealoth> one of the differences between a geek and a normal
person is that, when a warrenty ends, a normal person is
worried that it might break
<drealoth> the geek, on the other hand, is like 'hey, I can
take it apart now.'

<koharski> heh, my dad "hey, can you run some CAT5 into my
room?"
<koharski> apparently he wants to "check his email in bed"
<koharski> yesterday the router was blinking alot in my room
<koharski> so I went upstairs and knocked on his door
<koharski> "get any interesting emails?"
<koharski> he told me to go to bed :(

Poopsydo: i was remembering that my brother used to wake me up
when i was little to go open the gifts from santa...
Poopsydo: he would say: lizy lizy wake up, santa came by...
Poopsydo: and i would jump and follow him
Poopsydo: and one time he did that...and i followed him..
Poopsydo: and it wasn't even december
Poopsydo: it was like the middle of the summer
Poopsydo: he sat in the middle of the living room and laughed
his ass off at me

hehehe8383: school was pretty fun for me cus of the teachers =
P
hehehe8383: like i remember this one time in like 5th grade or
something
hehehe8383: i got a bloody nose in my math class and i had on
a white shirt to boot
hehehe8383: so i went to the nurse for like 10 min. while i
was sittin in the nurses office, the period was over so my
class left and another class came in
hehehe8383: but i still had my books there so i had to go back
in
hehehe8383: so i walk into the classroom with blood stains on
my shirt and holding a blood spotted tissue up to my nose
hehehe8383: so the teacher pointed at me and she goes "see
what i do to kids who dont do their homework?"
hehehe8383: i swear to you, this kid next to me had a
MORTIFIED look on his face as he started scribbling stuff down
on some incomplete worksheet =P

<MillitePress> Yeah, it's about masturbation and stuff. Weird
book.
<jamessheen> whats masturbation
<MillitePress> ...
<Kail> ...
<Nikul> ...
<MillitePress> It's a touchy subject

<thcip> Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those
corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi,
It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you
are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love"

<GLE> Gah. I'm so bad at ring theory, and I have a midterm in
it Friday.
<GLE> It makes me want to fight people.
<yakusoku> Does Field theory make you want to grow corn?

<inspin> so just as I cutting into my pizza, the bell rang
<inspin> It was the little girl from nextdoor, asking where my
sister was
<inspin> so I hold up the knife covered in tomatosauce and say
in an evil voice "she's not here right now"
<3ll3> LOL
<inspin> so she screams and runs away
<inspin> I felt guitly so I start chasing her saying "I'm
sorry"
<inspin> Then her father sees me chasing after his little girl
with, what he must have thougt, a bloody knife
<3ll3> I hope he called the cops on you :p
<inspin> well no, but I don't think I'm getting my knife back
anytime soon :(

<TokenBlackGuy> my friend and i were writing l33t notes back
and forth in spanish class and our teacher caught us and was
like "im gonna read this to the entire class" and stopped and
was like "are you two writing in tounges?"

<Fly_kEaT> ok so what time now in russia?
<amsea_> 17:06
<Fly_kEaT> am or pm?

KelBell853: im 4'12'' 82 pounds, hazel eyes, brown hair blond
highlights, medium length hair
i am KTIK: 4'12"?
KelBell853: yeah 4 feet 12 inches
i am KTIK: I hope you're kidding.
KelBell853: im dead serious
i am KTIK: How many inches are in a foot?
KelBell853: 12
i am KTIK: Put two and two together...
KelBell853: opps yeah im 5 foot

<irving> i do stuff like set up my garage door to open over
the internet
<MyPetGoat> having an internet-enabled garage door? what that
fuck is that good for?
<MyPetGoat> it's like you're the most pathetic Bond villain
ever

<Kel> I got in trouble at the Canadian border. The guy said
"Do you have any guns or weapons in your vehicle?" and I said
"Why? What do you need?"

Velociraptor: Do you have ne updog?
SAMrhodes87: What the fuck is UPDOG?
Velociraptor: nuthin much wha bout u?

<Claes> hey
<Claes> I was just thinking...
<Claes> If someone sent you 10 cd's and a note saying: 9 of
these cd's contain porn. The last one fries your computer.
<Claes> what would you do?
* Claes Quit (Ping timeout)

Kult Radio: So I was with this girl
Kult Radio: She said "Give me eight inches and make it hurt"
Kult Radio: So I fucked her twice and hit her in the head with
a brick.

<iHaveAids> Anyone want to talk to a 17 / f?

<dranyam> It's nature. How do you make nature against the
fucking law? It grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different
functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the
law is like saying to God made a mistake. You know what I
mean, it's like God on the seventh day looked down on his
creation:
<dranyam> "There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all
ways. Now, I can rest."
<dranyam> [Mimes God looking around - spotting pot]
<dranyam> "Oh my me."
<dranyam> "I left fucking pot everywhere."
<dranyam> "I should never have smoked that joint on the third
day ..shit."
<dranyam> "That was the day I created possums. Haha. Still
gives me a chuckle."
<dranyam> "If I leave pot everywhere that's gonna to give
humans the impression they're supposed to... 'use' it."
<dranyam> "(sigh)Now I have to create Republicans."

<<Newtype> "Chrono Trigger was supervised by a group referred
to as "The Dream Team", consisting of Hironobu Sakaguchi
(producer of the Final Fantasy series), Yuji Horii (director
of the Dragon Quest games), character designer Akira Toriyama
(of Dragon Ball and Dragon Quest fame), venerable producer
Kazuhiko Aoki, and Nobuo Uematsu (of Final Fantasy fame)."
<<Newtype> seriously, the only thing that could have made that
any better was having Jesus on that team
<<Schwarz> Jesus was a carpenter, what the hell would he know
about video games?

t3hraven: Holy shit somethings burning outside my window
t3hraven: brb
t3hraven: o, nm
t3hraven: it was a cloud going by my window
t3hraven: thought it was smoke :/
BILLLL: Go outside much, raven?
t3hraven: no :(
BILLLL: cuz those cloud things can be pretty tricky
t3hraven: shut up

<sje46> I avoid sex the same way I avoid bullets
<sje46> I haven't had the chance to

<MrBob> I hate Uni. At least in film studies we get to talk
about Fight Club.
<@X-Factor> Wouldnt you be breaking the first 2 rules?

<devoid> did you know what dell dude got busted for pot
<SSSXIII> yeah ;D
<devoid> it confuses me because i always thought marijuana was
a gateway drug

<|Asriel> How many Freudians does it take to change a light
bulb?
<|Asriel> Two, one to change the bulb and the other to hold
the penis
<|Asriel> I mean ladder!

<Tyson> hey AusGal24
<Tyson> Asl

<Rift> i ditch girls for video games all the time
<@monk-work> toggling between your porn window and your gaming
window does not qualify as "ditching girls for video games"

<Bobby20> I had this really weird dream once that I dropped my
penis in the shower and I couldn't get it to go back on

<zilla1126> When I woke up this morning I had semen in my
underwear.
<nadervader22> ....
<zilla1126> I'm concerned because it did not taste like mine.

<KainSularei> I wish that it was possible to edit car honks
<KainSularei> sometimes someone tries to cut me off, but i
always see it coming and speed ahead of them
<KainSularei> So I'm thinking I get some LOTR Gandalf bumper
sticker on my back bumper
<KainSularei> I'd like to be able to hit the steering wheel
and have them hear this booming "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" as I go
by

<puertoroo> so, i was at the store and the hot female clerk
was checking me out and stuff
<puertoroo> then we came back to my place and tore my bedroom
up
<puertoroo> then we did it on the stove and then on the
washing machine
<HuhWhat> And in the real world, what happened?
<puertoroo> ....i never even made it to the store :(

<Geno> Dude...
<Geno> I was wearing my All Your Base shirt...and someone
pointed out the craziest thing
<Geno> "Somebody Set Up Us the Bomb", when read Backwards, is
"Bomb the US (united states) Up Set (upset) Somebody"

(jonathans) i want a cow bell that makes a cow noise
(jonathans) when i hit it
(jonathans) it will go "COW"
(orion) cows go moo

< plasmadis> One time my dad stole a roll of brightly-colored
stickers from a butcher's counter that said "BREASTS" and went
to the video store and stuck them on all the movies that
looked likely to contain nudity.

<jimnathan> fuck fuck fuck... why does bash.org keep posting
those roses are red bastardizations?
<jimnathan> newsflash!! theyre not funny
<jimnathan> the only way it could possibly get worse is if
someone made a poem like that completely in 1337
<Fraeon> R0535 4R3 R3D, V10l375 4R3 BLU3, 1337 P037RY 5UCK5,
BU7 50 D0 Y0U?

<jettekuk> can anybody help me?
<ironi> jettekuk: i hope you realize your nick mean huge cock
in swedish
(and maybe other languages as well)
<jettekuk> no i didn t know that
<jettekuk> my name is jettek and i live in the uk

<Jakosin> what is a .tar
<Rivicen> its used to patch .road files

<tRonz0r> I'm $4 poorer, 1 bandanna richer and I still don't
look like a pirate
<tRonz0r> yarrrrrr, tis a sad day.

<xchlathx> "Dumbledore returns from the dead and declares it
to be hammertime, Harry proceeds to break it down, Voldemort
is unable to touch this."

<aidan> i'm going to rule when i leave home
<wyki> why?
<aidan> i was concerned about the amount of food in the house
<aidan> i now sit here with four, yes, four peanut butter and
jam sandwiches and a glass of milk
<aidan> i could live like this for weeks
<wyki> ahh but when you are living on your own you will need
to shop, and then you will be greeted with the problem that
has faced many broke young men living by themselves. to buy
bread and peanut butter, or to buy condoms and bear
<aidan> why i would EVER buy condoms and a bear is beyond me

< kate> wat r u doin ryt now
< Patrick`> Trying not to hunt you down and beat you into a
pulp with a dictionary.

X Garxx X: i found a bag of little black balls in  my cabinet
X Garxx X: and i was like cool chocolate balls
X Garxx X: so i started eating them
X Garxx X: and i was lik WHOAH THESE FRICKIN RULE ASS
X Garxx X: I BET THEYD BE GREAT WITH MILK
X Garxx X: ...thats when i realized i was eating coco puffs.

<jshock221> a freudian slip is when you say one thing but
you're really thinking about a mother.

<kegpin> I gotta go.
<Krebstar> ok, get better soon, keg.
<puppyfish> aww... is keg sick?
<Krebstar> nope. I just think he could be better than he is.

<+ChubZee> i was watching telly this morning before i went to
work
<+ChubZee> and there was a discussion on about a charity that
deals with teenage pregnancy
<+ChubZee> which is a huge problem in the uk
<+FCN|M0rlock> i can imagine
<+ChubZee> and they're advocating anal sex as a form of
contraception
<+ChubZee> (which i'm all for)
<+ChubZee> and their tag line is "one up the bum and you won't
be a mum"
<+ChubZee> i was almost dying laughing

<Cyb> heh this guy I knew in high school forgot to write an
english paper until like the day before it was due and it was
supposed to be a work of fiction a couple pages long
<Cyb> so he wrote down the half-life sp story
<Cyb> and stretched it out as much as he could
<Cyb> and got an A

<Lakitu7> "This pokemon wears the skull of its dead mother"
<Lakitu7> Cubone is really screwed up
<Lakitu7> Why the hell would they write that into the
poke-universe? That's going to screw up some little kid
<Lakitu7> "We're sorry Johnny. Your mother didn't make it"
"Can i have her skull for a helmet?" "what?"

<Daniel> The new bash quotes suck
<Nictheman> You realise if this goes on bash, you'll be part
of the new quotes, and will therefore suck?
<Daniel> ..
<Daniel> Fuck you.

<PinkShirt> jt has a handicapped plate, because his penis is
so small.
<PinkShirt> it's classed as a "sever disability"
<jtstocker> ha ya
<jtstocker> HEY! i dont have a fucking car
<jtstocker> asshole

*** _Melody_ has been kicked off channel #unix by Snooze (it's
your wedding night, get off irc)
*** _Melody_ (melody@ignite.blackened.net) has joined channel
#unix
<_Melody_> oh
<_Melody_> we already had the sex

<gh5046> beep boop beep boop beep beep boop
<skrike> thats right r2 we're going to cloud city

<Koult> Hey Lac'
<Lac'> Sup dude?
<Koult> You know I went to the cinema with Claire
<Lac'> aye
<Koult> She gave me a blowjob half way through
<Lac'> really!?sweet!
<Koult> No dude, not fucking sweet,
<Lac'> ?
<Koult> Just as I came I was looking up at the screen,
<Koult> and Elijah Wood aka Frodo looked right into the camera
<Koult> and now I've got his face burned into my memory, I
feel I've just gotten head from a fucking Hobbit
<Lac'>I'd type rofl ect but if I dont stop laughing I'll piss
myself

<+kmad> whats the best way to get vaseline off your dick
<@BigJesus> sand paper
<+royceda59> lol
<+kmad> fuck you, not fallign for that again

<Prtygrrl> what does OMG mean?
<gi> Oh my god.
<Prtygrrl> well escuse me for being a little newbie, mr.
oh-im-so-1337.
<gi> What?
<Prtygrrl> you know, you dont have to be so mean. i hope you
fall and hurt yourself reallyreally bad.

tigeraid: another baby?
tigeraid: jesus christ lady it's a vagina, not a clown car

< pin> so on saturday i was at a bar
< pin> telling a friend about how i played world of warcraft
that day
< pin> and this girl was like.. are you talking about world of
warcraft?
< pin> then i found out she played alliance and stopped
talking to her
< pin> dumb cunt

Vfirthd: someday, I'm going to be great.
Vfirthd: someday, I will have all the money I want and no
financial trouble
Vfirthd: and I'll have a great, big house with a laptop and
high fi stero systems
Vfirthd: oh, and I'll have a job that I love so much, and make
a good profit from
Vfirthd: and at that great job that I love, I'll find the
lovely woman of my dreams...
Vfirthd: yeah...someday...
GeniusChef: You work at a McDonalds, don't you?
Vfirthd: Burger King

<AnGeLcAkE-14fFA>wanna cyber?
<shiroi>sure
<AnGeLcAkE-14fFA>ok, i move close to u
<AnGeLcAkE-14fFA>i start rubbin your chest and unbutton your
pants
<AnGeLcAkE-14fFA>..
<AnGeLcAkE-14fFA>hello?
<shiroi>hmm? oh..er. Yea cool.
<AnGeLcAkE-14fFA>u suck at this
<shiroi>I suck? You're the one signing on to irc with your asl
in your nick looking for a lovelife. You suck at life.
<shiroi> You're probably not even a girl.
AnGeLcAkE-14fFA has quit IRC. (Quit)
<shiroi>Damnit, I'll never get a net gf at this rate :(

<Toggan> Hot Threesome looking for 2 more.... send /msg

<Jlax> wow
<Jlax> i just opened microsoft word
<Jlax> apperently, i only had the trial version
<Jlax> and it expired yesterday
<Jlax> so i read the message it gave me
<Jlax> "some features may become unavailable"
<Jlax> then i discovered what some of those features were:
<Jlax> 1.
<Jlax> TYPING
<Jlax> 2.
<Jlax> DOCUMENT VIEWING

(*)Embers(*): should i ask jonny this---
(*)Embers(*): ok so i know we haven't known each other
for long and I really shouldn't be asking you
for
this..... but I want it so bad don't get me
wrong it's
just that I haven't had it for a long time I
could
already feel it going in so hard and coming out
so soft
and wet. No one has to know about this, I'm
desperate,
but your help can be very grateful!!!
(*)Embers(*): you must think I have a lot of nerve
asking you for this but I can feel my tongue
around it
sucking all the juice out until there no more
left, this
has been on my mind all day long and I hope I'm
not
being forward but.... can I have a piece of gum?
Sarah: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

<TomTheBomb> what the most racist thing in the world?
<|Snaker|> erm
<|Snaker|> most racist thing in the world?
<TomTheBomb> a sprinkler
<|Snaker|> ..
<HongKongKilla|TMNT> lol?
<TomTheBomb> they go chinkchinkchinkchinkchinkchink SPIC
nigganigganigganigganigga

<Dan|Out>   my cat is using the toilet methinks
<ph`>   cool
<ph`>   make a video
<ph`>   with some close ups
<Reverend_Julian>   you'll make money
<SoM>   I need to take a shower
<ph`>   cool
<ph`>   make a video
<ph`>   with  some close ups
<Reverend_Julian>   you'll make money

<Spiff-Johnson> So i bought a shirt from express men.. does
that make me gay?
<cool4dude> no, the fact that you have sex with men makes you
gay
<cool4dude> the shirt just makes you a stereotype

<blehnus>In my experiece, any attempt to make any system idiot
proof will only challenge God to make a better idiot

<EinHander MK II> wtf... how did my cat get INSIDE my computer
case...

TX Luder : dude
TX Luder : i just had a genius idea
TX Luder : m&ms frozen in ice cubes
TX Luder : just think of it man
TX Luder : your sucking on ice
TX Luder : then WHAM
TX Luder : m&m

<NerdyScientist7> Okay, I'm taking a survey, want to be in it?
<bigone> sure
<NerdyScientist7> Here's the question: How stupid are you?
<bigone> what do u mean
<NerdyScientist7> Thanks for your input.

ShamanMumboJumbo: Dude, I hate AIM Triton but I had to get it
because all my friends have it and I can't share files
otherwise
ViewtifulDom: Peer2Peer Pressure?

<DoesNotExist> HAHAHAH. HAMLET THE TEXT ADVENTURE.
<doughnut> DUDE.
<Zinger> You have two options.
<Zinger> 1) Be.
<Zinger> 2) Not be.
<doughnut> hahahaha
<Gohanmastaflex> haha

* Synoptica bangs OutLore and Lord-Data
[Synoptica] fuck
[Synoptica] no i dont
* Synoptica bangs OutLore and Lord-Data's heads together

<djamok> wb justin
<JFlex> wb yourself, mother fucker.
<JFlex> Oh, welcome back, I get it.

<Sceptic> I am not going to argue mideast history and politics
here. I have better, more useful things to do--such as
draining the ocean with a spoon.
<David> Just out of interest, where will you be putting the
water?

(oSiRuS) I'm 19 years old and I have absolutely NO experience
with women. Never had a kiss, never had a hug, never had so
much as a handshake, and I have no idea why.
(oSiRuS) I'm not a nerd. I don't have acne or glasses, I'm not
fat. There's really nothing wrong with me, I just can't
understand why I'm such a worthless candidate for dating.
(@KillJoy) try walking out of the front door

<roddyboy> man it sucks...
<roddyboy> phone got stolen tonight :(
<drjazz> call someone who cares
<drjazz> oh wait

<DarthFoamy> Ah, unstable connections
<DarthFoamy> How do I despise thee?
<DarthFoamy> Let me count the ways!
<DarthFoamy> 1
<DarthFoamy> 2
* DarthFoamy has quit IRC (Quit: Ping timeout)

<nyetwerk> why is it that they always make the stupidest
person on a project team be the leader?
<DocRadium> what are you in charge of now?

<Knighted_> goddammit
<Knighted_> why can't anything i think of turn out right?
<Knighted_> listerine + foot odour smells worse than just
feet, and now my shoes are technically flammable

<jre> My underwear seems to be covered with a crusty white
substance.  Is it anthrax?
<Zeluth> what does it smell like?
<jre> Like semen
<Zeluth> you have anthrax
<jre> The carton of milk was filled with some sort of
milky-white liquid.  Is it anthrax?
<Zeluth> How good at you are pancake making?
<jre> Terrible.
<Zeluth> its anthrax
<jre> I opened my hole puncher to find a large collection of
small white discs, about the size of a hole a hole-punch
makes.  Is it anthrax?
<Zeluth> try inserting the paper disc in your urethra
<jre> Done, but I can't get it out now.
<Zeluth> congratulations yopu just gave yourself anthrax
<jre> I just received a parcel in the mail filled with a white
powder.  An accompanying note informed me to "take penacilin
now" and that "Allah is great".  Is it anthrax?
<^Vulpix^> jre: NOPE IT ISN'T, IT'S FREE COCAINE

<kikuichimonji> The cook book said to clean the turkey
<kikuichimonji> the oven had a clean button

<Rjx> so guys
<Rjx> i gotta get my computer to the USA somehow
<Rjx> as cheap as possible
<GerbilWrk> wrap it up in a condom and swallow it
<Jimmothy> put it in a condom and swallow it
<Rjx> you two aren't allowed to talk anymore

<ziz> i wrote a haiku
<ziz> but it is not very good
<ziz> so i won't share it
<Nastard> i wrote one myself
<Nastard> it is much better than yours
<Nastard> i should write some more

<caca_lialia> my brother was wanking in front of computer.
<devil> how do you know?:)
<caca_lialia> the mouse is on the left side...

<McMoo> wouldn't it be great if someone made a program where
we could connect to a server and chat with each other in
channels we create?

<Unleaded> I did something really geeky just now
<Ex0duz> watched star trek ?
<Unleaded> I was reading a magazine, and I glanced at the
bottom right hand corner of the page expecting to see the
time... :/

<zealo> I need sleep....
<zealo> I went to take a crap and took off my shirt instead of
my pants
<zealo> I actually sat down before i realised what was wrong

<Seros> fuck
<Seros> we were at 7-11
<Seros> And amanda is wearing this shirt that says "wtf?"
<Seros> The indian guy that works there said "What is the
meaning of this.. wtf?"
<Amanda> I told him that it's a non-profit organization.  >:O

Quit: (+[WG]sPiKie) (Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-
[sin(xy)/2.362x].)

<Sarah> lol, i was at a speech and debate tournament in 9th
grade at a public high school in albuquerque.  the counselor's
office was right next to the culinary arts office.  on the
counselor's office window, there was a poster that said
"Suicide: A permanent solution to a temporary problem" and on
the culinary arts window there was a poster that read: "Use
the right knife"

<PeriSoft> did I tell you about the time we were playing
chess?
<PeriSoft> we're playing, and as usual she's pwning me
<PeriSoft> she takes like six of my pieces in a row
<PeriSoft> and then yells, in the deepest voice she has,
"KILLING SPREE!@!!!"

<persia> my favorite country song is "i fucked my horse on a
sunday morning"
<migg> my fave country song is "Its midnight in montana, and i
cant get my dick out of this cow"
*** You were kicked by sandk1ng (i like the song "i kicked my
friend for makin fun of music i listen to")

<disconect> Tekken and sex both give my hand a cramp if I do
it for too long, though...

SynAdam: whats harder than nailing a baby to a wall?
Kato: ...what?
SynAdam: my dick while im doing it
Kato: ....
SynAdam: get it?
Kato: what in the FUCK is wrong with you?!

<Stevie_Kilroy> a little s&m never hurt anyone
<Bungalow Bill> dude
<Bungalow Bill> Yes it did.

<jackie> OMG i got an A in reading!!!
<jackie> oh wait...damn it nvm...
<jackie> i read my report card wrong :/

xyzzy314: i got some rare footage of houdini getting locked
out of his car

<arkaneknight> I think my sister went to bed
<arkaneknight> brb
<Sio> Ew.

<Thes2K> OK, PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS OUT OF CONTEXT, BUT DOES
ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND PICTURE OF NAKED BLACK MALES?

<matt`> it makes you get a horrible disease
<matt`> called "babies"

<Linforcer> heh, I just told m girfriend I like my women like
I like I like my programming
<MuStR>     logical?
<Linforcer> C++
<mkde>      LOL
<MuStR>     rofl are you serious?

atty: my face hurts
Chester: why is that
atty: well, my grandmother is like a radical feminist
atty: and she came downstairs while i was eating my ribs and
took one
atty: and i go, DAMN WOMEN... ALWAYS STEALING A RIB FROM US
MEN
atty: so she slapped me
Chester: dumbass

Ziggy: Everytime I hear a strange noise, I have a zombie panic
attack.
Lusty: what is it with you and zombies?!
Ziggy: Are you not afraid of zombies?
Lusty: they don't exist.
Ziggy: That's what they think in movies too.
Ziggy: Right before the invasion.

DasKrav: Know what I hate?
DasKrav: Repeating myself.
Destroy_Boy2000: What?
DasKrav: I said I hate repeating myself
Destroy_Boy2000: Huh?
DasKrav: I SAID I HATE-
DasKrav: Oh wait
DasKrav: YOU FUCKING QUEEF

<Aussie> I was listening to some girls talking in a video
store.
<Aussie> And one of them was saying that she had failed her
learners permit because she had used both hands to change
gears.

<Will T. Rex> So, at the pub last saturday
<Will T. Rex> Really bogan pub, with pool and AC/DC on the TV
jukebox, at 3am in the morning... my nerdy friend says very
loudly "NEED MOAR BEER!"
<Will T. Rex> with emphasis on the 'moaaar', because we are
nerds
<Will T. Rex> ... and out of nowhere, some random dude screams
"WE ARE ANNONYMOUS, WE ARE LEGION"
<Will T. Rex> Fucking terrifying

RogueRed1: you dumb
RogueRed1: your*
Xaimus: NOT MUCH BETTER

<tag0y> A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
<tag0y> Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
<tag0y> She found a good way
<tag0y> To combine work and play:
<tag0y> She sells C shells by the seashore.

jdayish: what do you think of bush and kerry
perfectblue_halo: the movie trailer for Aliens Versus Predator
comes to mind... "Whoever wins, we lose."

<chuck> I just got two CDs from AOL. Two CDs in one package.
One is gold, for dial-up. The other is Silver, for Cable/DSL
broadband. They came in a box that was half gold and half
silver. The back of the box enumerates the difference between
the two available plans.
<chuck> The CDs have different features listed on their
labels.
<chuck> I diff'd them. They're identical.
<chuck> bit for bit:
<chuck> chkno$ md5sum /dev/cdrom
<chuck> 43cf5b370b5d85a74afc2449f445579d /dev/cdrom
<chuck> chkno$ md5sum /dev/cdrom
<chuck> 43cf5b370b5d85a74afc2449f445579d /dev/cdrom

<ignatios> synchronised swimming mang
<Schatten> ok
<ignatios> _o>
<Schatten> _o>
<ignatios> <o_
<paranoid> <o_
<Schatten> <o_
<ignatios> o/
<paranoid> o/
<Schatten> o/
<ignatios> <o>
<paranoid> <o>
<paranoid> ~~~~~~~~~~~<o/~~~~~~~~ HOLY SHIT I CAN'T SWIM
<ignatios> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~~~
<ignatios> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*** civicsi was kicked by Raegen (KK: go away jason)
civicsi is jason@adsl-208-188-253-138.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net *
Jason Preston
civicsi on #cars
civicsi using irc2.lightning.net Toca's Miracle
civicsi End of /WHOIS list.
*** civicsi (jason@adsl-208-188-253-138.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net)
has joined #cars
<civicsi> uhhh
<civicsi> HOW DID YOU GET MY NAME?
<Tokae> we are l33t
<Darn> haha he hacked you
<KK> shutup jason
<civicsi> how did you do that?
<Tokae> you will be fuct over jason if you act out of line.
<KK> Mr Preston
<civicsi> I hope you know that I have logs of all hacking
attempts
<civicsi> and I WILL forward them to the DOJ

<Booster> whyd you get a mac?
<Nick> I have conqured the PC
<Nick> just wanted to try it out
<Booster> you got it cause you were bored?
<Booster> thats like saying "ive mastered walking with 2 legs"
so you cut one off

<Frostfyre> Alright. 5 reasons why I'm convinced that my penis
runs Linux.
<Frostfyre> 1. I can create child processes
<Frostfyre> 2. I can handle multiple users on any platform at
once.
<Frostfyre> 3. I'm VERY user friendly.
<Frostfyre> 4. I have incredible uptime.
<Frostfyre> and 5. When my system load gets too heavy, I end
up dumping my core and the system shuts down.

<+ChiMP> WHATS GAYER THAN ME AND STARTS WITH AN N!!?!?
<@miz> nothing
<@miz> :o

<MacMantis> oh christ. a friend of mine just got another of
his mothers world breaking text messages.
<MacMantis> 'GDAD DIED 5AM -MUMX'
<MacMantis> I honestly do wonder what is wrong with the woman.

<Buddy`leftBehind`Lee> My wife demanded I take her out some
place expensive
<Buddy`leftBehind`Lee> I took her to a gas station

<AL> Two families move from Pakistan to America.
<AL> When they arrive the two fathers make a bet - in a year's
time whichever family has become more American will win.
<AL> A year later they meet again:The first man says, "My son
is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on
my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
<AL> The second man replies, "Fuck you, towelhead."

<Rottencrotch> h0k do u have months in holland?
<hokhokk> wtf
<hokhokk> no we only have minutes
<Rottencrotch> omg
<hokhokk> its 238472893765 today

<Mithandir> it's interesting how much you can tell about the
designers of a product by looking at the end result
<Mithandir> for instance I can clearly tell that whomever
thought it was a good idea to have "exit program" and "suspend
computer" buttons on a keyboard didn't have cats

<AcidGame> Shit!
<legozrule> What?
<AcidGame> I downloaded an xbox emulator, and when I tried
playing a game, it locked up, so I decided to end it.
<legozrule> Then what?
<AcidGame> I accidently clicked 'send error report to
microsoft' >_<

<goatasaur> what do you call a black guy flying an airplane?
<blah> i refuse to anwser that
<blah> im probably wrong
<goatasaur> a PILOT, you racist

<Slime> I saw a headline on the newspaper today: "Horrific
Rape in Alley", or something.
<Slime> I was like "Is there any other kind of rape?"
<Slime> "HILARIOUS RAPE AS CLOWN SODOMIZED

<Goemon> you know how they have the /whois command, they
should have a /whowas command to see who people were after
they quit.
<Spidey> they do, goemon
<Goemon> damn.
<Goemon> my mom must have dropped
<Goemon> me

El Fry Guy: That reminds me. I was kicked out of history class
for making a joke about the holocaust
El Fry Guy: The teacher puts in this after school special or
some shit about the holocaust. Guess who hosted it?
JoseoftheWired: Who
El Fry Guy: I shit you not. Keanu Fucking Reeves.
JoseoftheWired: haha
El Fry Guy: As he's talking I burst out laughing then say
"Then Hitler jumps out of the sky and says 'Dude. I have a
most excellent solution.'"

<Snoody> Banky, are you still a virgin?
<Banky> Ask your mom.
<Snoody> She said yes.

<Jay> Did you hear about the Linux-car finishing last in the
indy500?
<MrBeek> I did now ;-)
<MrBeek> Not surprised though... You know how impossible it is
to find a decent driver for linux hardware?

AntF22: dude
AntF22: "goober" in pig latin is "oober gay"
AntF22: hahahahaha

<SaxxonPike> shit
<SaxxonPike> I turned in a paper today
<SaxxonPike> and just now realized the title said "American
Herpes"
<SaxxonPike> instead of "American Heroes"
<SaxxonPike> fuck

<EFX>I hate it when the cats stare at me when I go into the
livingroom to jackoff to pornos :(

(SirJohnny) How do you feel about the US in the middle east?
(Talya) Uhhh
(Talya) They give us money
(Talya) so w00t
(SirJohnny) What if Bush woke up one day, and was like "WE'RE
GOING TO INVADE ISRAEL BECAUSE...UHM...LIKE, I THINK THEY HAVE
NUCLEAR WEAPONS!" what would you do? XD
(Talya) (we do have nuclear weapons)

<TriPa^> my mother is a cleaning fanatic
<TriPa^> one Saturday she told me and my brother to get down
to the playroom and straighten it up
<TriPa^> we had a party there the previous evening, and she
was none too happy about the mess
<TriPa^> as she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was
completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us
know it
<TriPa^> finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it
all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom:
<TriPa^> can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?

<Crimson> Damnit, I have to work in 1 hr!!
<Crimson> Damn these IRc's... they steal my sleep like the
blacks steal tv's.
<BigJP> I'm black.
<Crimson> Its a plasma! Its in the den, just dont hurt my
family!

<@parasyte> I went straight towards my room where my nice
large full size bed I had since I was 5 years old awaited me.
I opened the door and...
<@parasyte> ... there is my sister, riding her fat boyfriend,
fucking his brains out.
<@parasyte> My first thought was, "Wow, she had perky tits".
My second thought was, "Wow, so does he",

<AleX> i guess this channel must be a center of activity; when
i not rarondn an;sc;ln vialmnv,ma v,xznm f
dlJFSMSMMMSMMSM:HHHFRRF
<DerianX> Yes.
<AleX> sorry, i stopped caring halfway through that sentnece

<Lan_> my iq is a range of 145-178
<kender> is that in kelvin?

<Zeta7> I'll just avoid downloading porn
<Zeta7> heh
<pkeffect> :D
<Zeta7> that's where the viruses come from usually
<pkeffect> just like in real life

<Vash> /ctcp Bot doit passwd <command>
<Vash> try it!
<Kao> okay
-> [Bot] DOIT passwd msg #scripting I love babies
<bot> I love babies
-> [Bot] DOIT passwd /run shutdown -r -t 3 -c "byeeeee"
<Vash> ohhh
* Vash has quit IRC (Connection reset by peer)
* Bot has quit IRC (Connection reset by peer)

<qik> ur at school?
<De-Gen> yer
<qik> LOOK TEACHER IT SAYS CUNT ON THE SCREEN!
*** De-Gen has quit IRC

*** Penfold has quit IRC (Excess Flood)
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<Penfold> Excess flood my arse
<Ganesh> no thanks

<osaka> You know.
<osaka> I don't get why so many vegans have some kind of a
beef with me.
<osaka> Just because I bring home the bacon, doesn't mean I'm
egging them on.
<osaka> It's so cheesy for them to milk political correctness.
<osaka> The stakes are high on this one, but they're too
chicken to meet any resistance.

<Calvinosaur> You missed philosophy class today, huh?
<71mm34> yeh
<Calvinosaur> You know how Mr. Warren's policy is to read all
the passed notes out loud to the entire class?
<71mm34> no ive never expereinced it
<Calvinosaur> Well, we really threw him for a loop today ...
<Calvinosaur> Josh passed a note that made it around the whole
class before Mr. W caught it.
<Calvinosaur> Mr. W read it, walked out the door, and came
back in ten seconds later.
<Calvinosaur> We were in stitches at this point.
<71mm34> wat did it say
<Calvinosaur> "Mr. W's fly is open."

<DeAdiNsiDe> WOooOH!
<DeAdiNsiDe> SPIDERS!!!!!!!!
<Spiders> yes?
<DeAdiNsiDe> I FOUND MY DICK!!!
<DeAdiNsiDe> I FOUND MY DICK!!!
<DeAdiNsiDe> I FOUND MY DICK!!!
<DeAdiNsiDe> err
<DeAdiNsiDe> disk!
<Spiders> hahaha
<DeAdiNsiDe> Ooh fuck
<DeAdiNsiDe> im never gonna hear the end of that one

<Syphon> I was walking up the path from the parking lot to my
apartment, and there were two girls talking. One of them saw
me carrying a Wendy's bag and said "That's not very healthy",
and without even thinking I say "And you're not very
attractive" and just kept walking <.<;

<zak> I once almost kissed a girl but then she woke up.. then
i woke up

<Duck> Gullible isn't in the dictionary
<Fred> Yeah it is dumbass.
<Fred> gul li ble - adj. ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (gl-bl)
<Fred> Easily deceived or duped.
<Fred> ...
<Fred> god dammit...
<Duck> lol

Rabid Manyak: Oh man, my mid-term mark update is awesome
Rabid Manyak: computer science: 61% science: 74% math: 51%
philosophy: 97%
Rabid Manyak: Thanks LSD!

* Professor sets mode: +m
<Professor> Listen up, people.
<Professor> 1.) Religion-chat is done, since we're
degenerating into bickering.
<Professor> 2.) Goombas are traitorous members of the Mushroom
Kingdom who joined Koopa for a share of the power. It says so
in the SMB manual.

<MR_T> I miss the good old day when you had to pull down the
girls pants to see her ass
<MR_T> Nowdays you have to spread her ass to see her pants.

Holy Man: Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their
parishioners to services by bus
THe Monkey: Are they gonna call it 'Mass Transit'?
Holy Man: smartass

* Now talking in #christiandebate
<Pramma> hey you guys, do you think jesus would use bittorrent
or ed2k?

<zamros> My names Nickie.Im a 17 year old mommie to a
beautiful 13 month old little girl(born July 21,2001).Im also
19 weeks pregnant with what is believed to be a boy..and our
last child! Our meaning my husband.He's 19 years old and in
the army.We've been together 3 years and married for almost 1.
We're currently stationed in Fort Bragg,NC. Look forward to
reading all your posts!
<zamros> DEAR NICKIE
<zamros> YOU'VE RUINED YOUR FUCKING LIFE
<zamros> SINCERELY,
<zamros> GOD

<myliw0rk> There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
<myliw0rk> This means that by 2020, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

<Kashan> I hate it when H-manga's try to be philosophical
<dregan> Mehh.
<dregan> "As I lay there, with the cum flowing out of every
hole, my schoolgirl vagina stretched beyond its natural limit
by a twenty-limbed tentacle demon, I wondered 'What is the
stars, what is the stars?'"

* Jeff challenges fastpak to a jousting match at high noon
<fastpak> shit. I..uh...my horse is..uh...nonexistant.
<fastpak> so i guess i'll have to decline
<FlyNavy> you have to understand that when Jeff says
"jousting" he really means gay sex
<FlyNavy> and when he says "wanna play a round of WC3?"
<FlyNavy> he also means gay sex
<Jeff> ...
<FlyNavy> pretty much anything he says boils down to gay sex
<FlyNavy> :D
<Jeff> want to have some gay sex?
<Tektronic> sorry dont have cs installed jeff

<LocK> I had a conversation about my penis with 2 girls
yesterday
<ezmac> must have been a short conversation...
<ophelia> If they're pointing and laughing, it's not a
conversation

<Wazm> I spent the entire day being normal, now that I'm home,
I just want to duct tape fuzzy green pipe cleaners to my head,
turn on the strobe, take off my clothes, and IRC.

<Snakeman^Engineer> Do I sense some hatred towards Windows
Vista originating from your direction?
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Oh no, not at all
* Chrysalid^Revenge stands up in a medieval recitation pose
<Chrysalid^Revenge> "OS X for the Mac users, pretentious in
their coffeeshops
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Gentoo for the nerd-lords in their
mother's basement
<Chrysalid^Revenge> XP for the everyday user, bound to muck
around with bloody settings and registry values they should
damn well leave alone
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Then Vista from the Dark Lord behind his
desk
<Chrysalid^Revenge> In the Microsoft office, where crappy
programming is performed
<Chrysalid^Revenge> One OS to eat your RAM, One OS to spy on
your digital media
<Chrysalid^Revenge> One OS to screw them all, and in
frustration bind them
<Chrysalid^Revenge> In the Microsoft office, where crappy
programming is performed"
<Sectoid^Authopsy> Whoa!

<yogurt1> dude, the saddest thing happend today. My mom woke
me up at fucking 9 in the morning, cause our garbage can blew
open and spread it all around the street. So I throw on
clothes and go out to clean. It takes me fucking 2 hours to
finish it. Then some punk kid comes by and kicks it over, and
it all blows away again. I go up to this kid and I say "You
stupud fuck clean it" this punk ass kid says to me "haha fuck
that".
<yogurt1> I couldn't hear him because I had earmuffs but I
knew thats what the kid says. So after mouthing off I punch
the kid in the face and walk home. like an hour later the kids
mom comes to the door and says shes going to sue me for
punching...her 13 year old daughter.
<benji443> HAHA LMAO!
<jiirco> ROFL YOU PUNCHED A GIRL!!!!!!!!!
<yogurt1> She was wearing a hat and a hood for fuck sakes!

<jadedlphoto> Maybe the free masons control porn now.
<gz> the carnal cabal?
<firegod> the illuminaughty?

<@Weedums> You know the rodeo?
<@Weedums> When your doing a chick from behind then you say
something to freak them out
<@Weedums> like your sister bit me in bed last night
<@Weedums> and she tries to get away?
<@Weedums> And you see how long you can stay on?
<QuickSilver> D:
<@Weedums> Well... the best thing to say is...
<QuickSilver> hmmmm
<QuickSilver> ?
<@Weedums> "I have fucking siphilis bitch"
<QuickSilver> hahaha
<@Weedums> But when she said
<@Weedums> "oh I already have that"
<@Weedums> The game changed pretty quickly.

<Dogan> man, my english class this year is so sweet
<Dogan> there was this quick write on the civil rights
movement yesterday
<Dogan> couldn't think of anything else, so i just ended with
"In conclusion, all your base are belong to us."
<Dogan> she just wrote "Rephrase?", and gave me 30/30

<Oxidizer> bah i just ate fudge after eatin tuna
<Lurch> a slip of the tongue can do that

<Halcr0> If I had a knife, I'd shoot you

<ednometry> what seperates man from the other animals
<fripple> the 401k
<lavalamp> a condom, hopefully

paper: shit
paper: flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?!
paper: shit i gotta warn bob

<AndrewB> I've played the Expansion Pack for about an hour and
a half, and I'm already boAGH GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MOTH

<Elly_May>  my little sister just asked me why my hair was
tangled
<Elly_May>  i told her it was because my boyfriend came all
over it when i was giving him a blow job
<Elly_May>  at which point my father admitted he could hear
me....

<[Ht]Fro> Here in canada we have a special program to deal
with the homeless...it's called winter

ipatchphd: i knew someone named april may
IUErothyme: hahahahahaha
ipatchphd: and when her mom was angry shed say
ipatchphd: YOU BETTER MARCH APRIL MAY

<GreenGoblin> Ponyprincess, get ur brain checked!
<PonyPrincess> oh ya? well i did and they found nothing!
<PonyPrincess> wait, crap

<svarog>You know, the only good thing about Vista
<svarog>Is that even the viruses have compatibility issues.

<Morj|YeozWins> I was once driving along the freeway,and a
friend through some garbage out the window, and this lady ran
over it
<Morj|YeozWins> So she started chasing us
<Morj|YeozWins> So I started going like 150-180 km/h down the
freeway to get away, and she followed me
<Morj|YeozWins> So I eventualyl pulled over, and she gets out
of her car and runs up and goes "WHAT THE HELL, WHY WERE YOU
DRIVING SO FAST YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE, I HAVE A BABY IN THE CAR
YOU KNOW"

<StuckMojo>    o     \o    \o/   \o    o    <o     <o>    o> 
o
<StuckMojo>   .|.     |.    |     /    X     \      |    <|   
<|>
<StuckMojo>   / \     >\   /<     >\  /<     >\    /<     >\  
/<

IAn553: I love making fun of the Amish online.
Eddie0235: Why?
IAn553: Cause they'll never find out.

<Paragon> man i remember in like second grade the teaxcher
asked what 2-3 was
<Paragon> and someone was like "you can't do that"
<Paragon> and she was all "right you can't
<Paragon> and i was like "nooo, NEGATIVE NUMBERS"
<Paragon> and she ignored me
<Paragon> bitch

<evenpar123> I think I'm losing it...
<Slant> evenpar123: Losing what?
<evenpar123> my ability to tell the difference between games
and reality
<evenpar123> Just today, I was driving down a street, and saw
a building that had sunlight reflecting off it...
<evenpar123> And I thought "Damn....these are some nice
graphics..."
<evenpar123> It was horrible...
<evenpar123> ugh

Spreadursunshine: wow you werent online all yesterday
EinhanderMKII: Yeah I was out doing things PRODUCTIVE
Spreadursunshine: omg! its a breakthrough
Spreadursunshine: like what?
EinhanderMKII: fixing my internet

<jaffa> think of the children!
<bobf> oh gimme a break, I've spent *hours* today thinking of
the children, my wrist is too sore to do it any longer

<faustwork> she looks good
<chaommm> is she hot?
<faustwork> id bang her
<chaommm> that doesnt mean shit
<faustwork> id bang her with no beer
<chaommm> WOAH

<Avalanche> i was at arbys last night eating, and this mini
van pulls up. The soccer mom, daughter, and little brother
hopped out and came in. The little kid was like 6-7. He said
"mommy, I want a milkshake". She responded, "No, it will spoil
your dinner". The little kid replied with, "YOU FUCKING CUNT,
I WANT A GOD DAMN MILKSHAKE". He got the milkshake.
<Avalanche> I never laughed so hard in my life

Oli: lol
Oli: my gf just won one of my ebay auctions
Oli: was supposed to be my xmas present
Oli: she didnt knew my ebay name

<+Kamasutra> i had a dream that the RIAA busted into the
shower cause i was singing too loud

comf0rtabiynumb: The scare tactics line is awesome
comf0rtabiynumb: I'd jump someone in an alley.
comf0rtabiynumb: Get ready to beat them with a bat, and then
say, "Are you scared? You shouldnt be! Youre on scare tactics!
Haha! your friend set you up!"
comf0rtabiynumb: And then, when they start laughing and their
guard is down BAAM! Beat the fuck out of them and take their
wallet

quiksilvrr101: hello
axelay4: went out and bought some dice for D&D yesterday
quiksilvrr101: hot
axelay4: they were mondo expensive  though...so i looked the
guy at the counter straight in the face and asked him if i
could roll a D20 to haggle
quiksilvrr101: lol
quiksilvrr101: and?
axelay4: goddamn natural 1

<gweebz0r> i went to the gf's work last week, they had no
antivirus
<gweebz0r> 279 viruses
<gweebz0r> the best part was
<gweebz0r> they showed me their backup strategy
<gweebz0r> they use custom software
<gweebz0r> and the backed up the application by dragging the
desktop icon ( a shortcut) to their cdrw
<gweebz0r> they had 2 years worth of shortcuts

Mandy: The baby's kickin'.
Adam: well kick that little fucker back.
Adam: gotta start early with discipline

<Sam> Coding in C is like sending a 3 year old to do
groceries. You gotta tell them exactly what you want or you'll
end up with a cupboard full of pop tarts and pancake mix.

<BreakneckXan> My sister asked me where Nicaragua was
<BreakneckXan> I said 'central america'
<BreakneckXan> She said "Oh so it's like around Kansas
somewhere?"
<BreakneckXan> I see a brass pole and body glitter in her
future...

<balls>  that was the funniest thing that's ever happened to
me
<balls>  im getting ready to build a computer, and my dad
comes into my room.  he starts talking like hes giving me the
talk about abstinence and shit.  he says stuff like "son, we
want you to be safe, you know that" and just when it seems
like he's gonna give me a condom, he holds out his hand, and
he gives me a fucking static wrist strap.
<balls>  i never laughed so hard in my dad's face.

<vboydx7> Why the hell are all you fucking PS2 fanboy shits
here?!?
*** PSXcellent was kicked by vboydx7
*** GTA43v3r was kicked by vboydx7
*** Sony RoXors was kicked by vboydx7
<Solid Sony> Hang on..!
*** Dead_Shot_Sniper was kicked by vboydx7
*** Solid Sony was kicked by vboydx7
*** Hot2trot was kicked by vboydx7
<vboydx7> Woah, wait a minute, this isn't the Gamecube forum
o_O
*** Quits: vboydx7 (No route to host)

<Mod> So, how many are you inviting?
<Ned> Dunno. I'll check the random number generator.
<Ned> Oh. It says 22345780
<Ned> We're gonna have to get more dip.

<MrCoffee> my pokemon bring all those nerds to the yard and
there like, do you wanna trade cards, damn right, lets trade
some cards, ill trade you, but not my charizard

<Dianuzza> there is a big gay community here in Paris
<usnjay> yeah.
<usnjay> it's called "Paris".

<ManicV> sleeping pills are for pussies
<proto_> No no no, you take these orally.

<D|S-Alias> my balls are in such gay positions
<D|S-Alias> they are all on one side in a cluster
<D|S-random> i fuckin hate that
<D|S-random> when they stick to ur leg
<D|S-random> ER
<D|S-random> i just wanna rip them off
<D|S-Alias> im talking about pool yo

hotpinkcutie09: yea let me tell you he spent one ENTIRE class
talkin about how to spell prapoganda
MisgivenGlassJaw: My guess is that you slept through that
lesson

<Macko> helping out another customer with pc problems on the
phone again today
<Macko> after he gave me his specs i told him "hold on for a
second"
<Macko> three seconds later he's like, "ok, that turned my
computer off"

<Eticam> I work at a computershop
<Eticam> And you don't wanna know how f***in' STUPID some
customers are
<Eticam> I get questions like:
<Eticam> "What is better, a scanner or printer?"
<Eticam> "I'm looking for a serious mouse"
<Eticam> "My internet doesn't work" "What kind of connection
do you have?" "Windows XP"
<Eticam> "The mouse you sold me is incomplete" "Ma'am, it's
meant to have no cable"
<Eticam> I even had a customer who brought his pc for
technical service
<Eticam> "My dog humped the pc and had an orgasm in the power
supply, and it short circuited" "how's the dog?" "Don't know,
my wife took him to the vet"
<Eticam> really, one day I'm gonna shoot myself in front of a
customer....

<ReDy[CPH]> i remember once upon a time when i had dailup, i
still remember the nightmares that modem brought, the times i
just sat and stared at the screen downloading a 10 mb demo and
the download time said 250hr 56m 16s download time increasing
instead of decreasing, the frustration of never being able to
open a homepage whitout waiting an hour, these things, 56kbit,
it was this that made me who i am today a crazy leecher!
<Razor2k3> i refuse to read all that
<Cloud02> i remember once upon a time when i had dailup
<Cloud02> i still remember the nightmares that modem brought
<Razor2k3> nice
<Cloud02> the times i just sat and stared at the screen
downloading a 10 mb demo and the download time said 250hr 56m
16s download time increasing instead of decreasing
<Razor2k3> go on
<Cloud02> the frustration of never being able to open a
homepage whitout waiting an hour
<Cloud02> these things, 56kbit
<Cloud02> it was this that made me who i am today a crazy
leecher!
<Razor2k3> ty

<Rjx> see i'm fully willing to honour "valentines day" as long
as the female in question honours "naked nintendo day"

<Orm-Riva> I knew a man who had sex with a helicopter once.
<Illandir> ...
<Orm-Riva> Alright, I didn't, I lied to try to impress you.

<%typobox43> (I/O, I/O, it's to the bus we go)
<%typobox43> I can just imagine the electrical pulses singing
that.
<+BlindFool> You need to be shot

<Nihility> I wanna buy starcraft cereal.
<NoJuice4u> with marshmallow zerglings????
<Inside> kekekekeke sugar rush

<Chipper> Hexidecimal counting systems are awesome!
<Chipper> On a scale from 1 to 10, I give them an E

<pmcall221> I'm wondering when Windows will work they they say
it will.
<Kittyflipping> You're criticizing millions of lines of code
and you can't even get one sentence right?

<fatmanippo> i watch hentai for the story
<fatmanippo> hentais are hilarious
<KingTaco> a samurai who sucks at everything but sex goes on a
quest to have sex with sex ninjas so he can gain treasure for
his clan XD
<KingTaco> ingenious plotline XD
<Konis> ... "sex ninjas"
<Pruin> my my, this world certainly lacks sex ninjas
<StormGrass> imagine how it'd be like if we DID have any...mm
<Pruin> any hot chicks here wanna dress up like a ninja and
fuck my (and/or others) brains out?
* StormGrass nearly grows a stiffy
<airwaffle> if sexual frustration was harnessable energy, this
channel could power the US

<WorldEdit> do you think the word emo would be accepted in
scrabble
<Sevivrus> Of course not. Emos are never accepted anywhere.

<[j0n0]> games dont make people violent, lag does.

*** YOU has joined #gamedev
* YOU HAVE RECEIVED A FATAL ERROR, PRESS ALT + F4 TO REPAIR
THIS IMMEDIATELY
<Waxycat> teh
<Waxycat> it says i recieved a fatal error
<posit> Waxycat: oh that happens some times, you have to press
alt+f4 to fix it
<posit> *sometimes
<Waxycat> that quits irc
<Falnom> ALT+F4 quick!
<Waxycat> why?
* YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS TO RESTART MIRC
<posit> you have a fatal error
<Waxycat> otherwize?
<posit> if you don't restart it may damage your system
<Waxycat> it says i have 30 seconds
*** Waxycat has quit IRC []
<posit> damn yeah
<Palish> bahhahah.
*** Waxycat has joined #gamedev
* YOU HAVE RECEIVED A FATAL ERROR, PRESS ALT + F4 TO REPAIR
THIS IMMEDIATELY
<Waxycat> what happened?
<Waxycat> again?!?!
<Waxycat> it says it again!
<posit> again?
<Waxycat> what should i do?!
<posit> maybe a config problem
<Waxycat> what will happen if i don't quit?
<posit> not sure exactly
<posit> but I don't think it's good
* YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS TO RESTART MIRC
*** Waxycat has quit IRC []

<Kristy> i remember new years eve, 2000, everyone had their
computers off because they were afraid they would blow up
cause of y2k, and my boyfriend was begging me to have sex with
him. and i was like "look at my ping! i am not going to get a
70 ping any other night! go watch tv and stop interrupting my
tribes!!"

<Steve> Even "The Magic 8 Ball" is smart, and knows Microsoft
Sucks. It says "Outlook Not Good."

<coolbreze> heres a better qustion; what is the qucikest way
to set up and FTP Server?
<SpeedEvil> coolbreze: post your root password in a warez
group.

<danie2> do you have a gf?
<ieatrocks> hahahahahah
<ieatrocks> wow, thanks for even asking.

<Flirbnic> I have a time machine.
<Twilo> That's your fridge
<Flirbnic> Then explain how I can put perishable food items in
there and take them out several days later STILL FRESH?

<Rambo> Have you guys heard about the latest pirate film?
<Rambo> It's rated Arrrr
<Nurple> Rambo, please die

<CookieMan> from slashdot: "InternetNews.com has a report of a
new Internet2 land-speed record: '859 gigabytes of data in
less than 17 minutes.' InternetNews goes on to say, 'This
record speed of 6.63Gbps is equivalent to transferring a
full-length DVD movie in four seconds.'"
<CookieMan> and i thought 56k was slow...
<@RuneB> CookieMan: "and that great disturbance you just felt
was a million RIAA and MPAA executives screaming out in terror
all at once, and then nothing."

<emufreak> And now, an interview with Marat Fayzullin.
<emufreak> How did you get into emulation?
<RST38h> Well, it started when som*** PLZ PAY $35 TO CONTINUE

<cheater> legal drinking age in poland is "i have 3 dollars"

<|Chris> i know i'm killing more quotes than i should
<|Chris> just due to the fact that i'm not finding a whole lot
of things funny due to my current situation in life
<|Chris> i'm so sad...she took the gamecube man
<|Chris> the fucking gamecube

evilada: agh, i'm watching this jesus camp documentary and
it's horrible.
evilada: i want to burn down a church
pnkfloyd: woah woah woah
pnkfloyd: Hold on there
pnkfloyd: wait for me

<Phen-Away> I just figured out what scroll lock does
<AutistiCat> What does it do?
<Phen-Away> You see that light by caps lock?  Well, it turns
on when you press scroll lock

<Klowner> I listen to rap now and then, just so I can
communicate in case my car breaks down in a scary part of town

<Flamebird> i was watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon the
other night.. and i was wondering where all the tigers and
dragons are
<Flamebird> then i realised they're all crouching and hidden
<Flamebird> :/

<futard> IS YOUR NAME
<futard> NICK BECKER?
<strangury> no.
<futard> ok good
<futard> beacuse then you'd be me
<futard> and that'd be awkward

<timmo> 20% of americans believe the sun revolves around the
earth, 17% of the people who know that the earth revolves
around the sun, believe it does so every 24hours
<timmo> jesus
<timmo> people are fucking morons
<wind`> wait what
<wind`> doesn't the earth revolve around the sun in 24 hours?
<timmo> well i guess we found one of the 17%

<Inoshiro> Wth
<Inoshiro> "Don't iron, don't put in a triangle, don't put in
an oval"
<harb> Er?
<Inoshiro> Is there a translation table for the washing tag on
clothing?

<Lyon> erll, i'm ogg yo trsf snf dlrrp
<Lyon> oops
<Lyon> well, i'm off to read and sleep
<Derian> looks like you need all the dlrrp you can get.

<parucha> So the other night I can't sleep, so I go downstairs
and pour a bowl of cereal and decide I'll eat it in my room
while I watch Conan.
<parucha> After I pour my cereal, I turn the lights back off
and it's pitch black as I walk up the stairs to my bedroom.
<parucha> By the way, I'm only wearing a pair of silk shorts.
<parucha> So I'm trying to balance my bowl of cereal in the
dark so I don't spill, thinking I'm doing okay. When I reach
the top of the stairs, the bowl tips and I feel it spill all
over my shorts.
<parucha> So I walk back downstairs to grab a rag and clean
up. I find a roll of paper towels and I pick up all the cereal
inside it and walk downstairs to throw it away and put my bowl
in the sink.
Then I start to clean up the milk on the floor and on my
shorts.
<parucha> Well this is near my parents' bedroom, and as I'm
cleaning, I hear them having sex. Being male, I start to get
an erection at the sounds of sex, despite the fact that I know
it's my parents having the sex.
<parucha> So I try to tune it out and hurry up with the spilt
milk. In the midst of all this, I start to have a coughing
fit. A result of being a smoker.
<parucha> A minute later, my mom opens her bedroom door -
wrapped in a blanket - and sees me standing there with an
erection bulging through my shorts, which are still wet with a
seeping liquid, and a paper towel in my hand dripping white
stuff, all outside her bedroom door where she and my dad were
just having sex.
<parucha> I've never thought seriously about running away from
home until that night.

* Basil|ArFr was promised a BJ from a member of the opposite
sex if he gets a C in Literature.
<Fozzie> I've heard of parents giving gifts for good grades,
but this is ridiculous!

(XisXisXis): I wanna find an old Star Wars pinball machine
(XisXisXis): just so I can hear Yoda say, "Extra Ball, you
have"

xpl0re3> fuck, i mean, it worked for romeo and juliet... they
met at a party and were married the next fucking day
beanphoner> you obviously didn't read the end of that play

<rockpapertaxi> so this guy comes to the door
<rockpapertaxi> a jehovah's witness
<rockpapertaxi> and he's like "can i interest you in the word
of christ"
<rockpapertaxi> and adam's like "sorry i have to shut the
door"
<rockpapertaxi> and the guy goes why?
<rockpapertaxi> and adam's like "our sacrificial goat will get
out"

<Death> Hey, Jeff, how do you kill someone when they're on
your nick?
<Jeff> Oh, easy /ns ghost nick password
<Death> Thanks.
<Death> Die.
*** Signoff: Jeff (Killed (NickServ (GHOST command used by
Death)))

<Kolar> For the record, I want to get a copy of that one video
of JFK getting shot, so I can dub in the Unreal Tournament
'HEADSHOT!' sound clip.
<Kolar> Lee_Harvey_Oswald is on a KILLING SPREE.
<Domarcet> So what does that make the film of Ruby shooting
Oswald?
<Kolar> Lee_Harvey_Oswald's Killing Spree has been ended by
Jack_Ruby.
<Kolar> Jack_Ruby was looking good until he died of cancer in
prison!
<Kolar> And then the chat window could come up and say
"JFKennedy: OMG camper fagz"

<cast> see, the roof falling on me is the least of my problems
here, the whole building going from |^| to /^/ to ___ is my
problem

<Tim3WorX> somtimes
<Tim3WorX> when i'm naked
<Tim3WorX> and alone
<j4yj0hn> dont finish that sentence

<Neji-Sama> OMFG, life is great.
<Neji-Sama> Some girl just im'ed me.
<Neji-Sama> She's masturbating right now thinking of me.
<Neji-Sama> It's like, wow.
<Neji-Sama> FUCK!
<Neji-Sama> She said it's the wrong window -.-
<JapanAir900> ...
<Cidsa> HAHAHAHAAH

<jre> There is no profile of a school shooter.  They come from
all walks of life, all religions; they listen to different
music, have different crowds; they are just random individuals
who cannot be determined to be killers until they actually
kill.
* jre is now known as SoccerMoms
<SoccerMoms> WE BETTER CENSOR MOVIES, TV, MUSIC, BOOKS,
VIDEOGAMES AND THE INTERNET THEN
* SoccerMoms is now known as Politicians
<Politicians> K

<Rigel> KingKashue ur pc is not as 1337 as my i have a 122
gighz pinteum 4 pc w/ 5 617 gigbyte hds and a
cd-wr-rwr-drwxr-xr-x 3-way burning/dvd/vcd/mp3 playing drive
and a 37 gigehurz L7 cacheeeee a 58 inch flat moniter w/
2134x5654 resolushun and teh best part is my 400 gbps cabul
capped to 1 kbps connecsion wich routes thru severel dedicatud
OC-255 powered masheens wich are on T460 redirectors
<KingKashue> riiiiight...But can your's do this?
*** Rigel was kicked by KingKashue (to prove I can)
*** Joins: Rigel
<Rigel> Nope.

Alh4zred: You know, I realized something.
GenduShini: You love me?
Alh4zred: I'd rather play games than have sex, you know why?
Alh4zred: Think about it.
Alh4zred: During sex, you have to please TWO people.
Alh4zred: Or more.
GenduShini: because Games last more than 10 minutes
GenduShini: err
GenduShini: that too
Alh4zred: AND
Alh4zred: In a game, if you're not doing well, someone just
goes "fgt" or something
GenduShini: and you just go "my current PC sucks" or "It's an
off day"
GenduShini: But in the sack...
Alh4zred: In real life, you have some chick (in my case) that
goes "Are you a faggot? That sucked"
Alh4zred: You can't blame a bad orgasm on lag.
Alh4zred: Dude.
Alh4zred: You can't.
Alh4zred: "I faked all those orgasms"
Alh4zred: "stfu i was pinging 300"

<themole> I was thinking of quiting my job at target
<soapy> you should look into getting a job at goatse
<soapy> I heard they have a large opening

<Jason> One time I walked into my parents bedroom and they
were having sex, it was traumatizing for them
<Jason> Not so much that I walked in, but that I started
shouting "LET THAT BITCH HAVE IT"

<Foxx> im never fallin in love
<Foxx> i've decided
<FuriousC> you dont choose who you love, love chooses you
<FuriousC> and that little fucking son of a bitch sticks
itself to your face like the godless bloodsucking bastards in
Alien and refuses to let go until it has drained your soul and
left you an empty shell of a human being

< koala_man> after some future breakthroughs in robotics, but
before the price has gone down, there is likely to be robotic
brothels
< mawlipe> robot sex? that's scary.
< koala_man> I know, that's what I thought
< koala_man> but according to my calculations, a condom of
normal thickness has a dielectric strength of at least 780V
< koala_man> meaning if the robot runs on mains and shorts
out, you're still protected with a margin of nearly 500V
< mawlipe> ..... not what I meant.

<McMooo> the hell.
<McMooo> my sister invited some friend over to use my computer
<McMooo> and failed to tell me
<McMooo> so i get back from physics and there's a strange girl
in my room.
<McMooo> a girl in my room is strange enough as it is

<puppet> a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to
fake an entire relationship

Damocles`: o/` we all live in a yellow double hulled boyancy
controlled ship of war! o/`
Zibblsnrt smacks Damo for that ;)
Zibblsnrt: Damo: I and my comrades posess as our place of
residence the interior of a mid-visible spectrum double-hulled
buoyancy-controlled boat ofwar
Zibblsnrt: I can outobfuscate your sorry ass anyday >%)
Zibblsnrt dares someone to bloat that through another level.
%)
Damocles`: o/` i and my comrades posess as our place of
residence the interior of a mid-visible spectrum double hulled
boyancy controlled ship of war!
E_of_C: The carbon-metabolizing physical presence that
currently houses my conscious and those physical
manefestations of my comrades all possess as our common
residential abode the interior of a mid-visible spectrum
double hulled buoyancy controlled ship of war!
%

<Dilbert> hahah today was so funny.... me and my sister were
watching TV, and i wanted her to change the channel so i said
"COME ON!" and she goes "Dont 'come on' me"
<Dilbert> then she didnt get why i burst out laughing
<APE_> is she hot?
<Dilbert> yes
<Dilbert> my sister is very hot
<Chris_Walken> ....................
<ragnarok2040> ............
<ragnarok2040> i hope she doesn't check bash.org
<Dilbert> why?

(jeek) Jesus Christ.
(jeek) How the hell am I supposed to swallow two alka-seltzer
pills.
(jeek) ?
(seawolf_) put them in water first
(jeek) But then they'll dissolve
(jeek) Oh, I get it
(jeek) n/m

<alphageek> "are you currently alive? [ ] yes, [ ] no"
<Help747> X
<Help747> er
<Help747>                   X
<Help747>                                  X
<Help747>                                                     
X
<Help747>                                                   X
<alphageek> lol. this isn't pin the tail on the donkey
<Help747>                                                  X 
X

<%kiwibonga> Je ne donne pas un merde - I don't give a shit
<%kiwibonga> THAT MAKES NO SENSE
<%kiwibonga> you cannot give a shit to someone
<%kiwibonga> in french
<%kiwibonga> that sounds like "I'm taking a shit in my hands
and I'm keeping it for myself"

<Doc> hmm.. IE crashed
<Doc> but i suppose it was my fault... after all, i did press
teh "Back" button
<Doc> what was i thinking...
<cactoid> you madman
<Tippytoes> risktaker
<Doc> i like to live on the edge

<Sede> I was cleaning out under my waterbed mattress a few
years ago and found a razorblade. I was cleaning it out again
today and found a 5" long nail. I think I have a suicidal
waterbed Sad
<Sede> I also found Auto Insurance from Monopoly, and a
broken-off mechanical monkey hand. I don't know how this stuff
winds up under my waterbed but it is awesome.
<Kazz> there isn't Auto Insurance in Monopoly
<Kazz> there is in Life though
<Sede> The things that wind up under my matress is like the
inventory of an old LucasArts adventure game.
<Sede> I always stashed Auto Insurance somewhere near when
playing Monopoly in case I got the car piece. Then I didn't
have to pay taxes.
<Sede> I usually got to be the car, because otherwise I'd pick
the Scottish-Terrier-riding-a-wheelbarrow-wearing-a-tophat
piece, which didn't leave anyone else many options.
<Sede> My dad probably shouldn't have given me a soldering
iron for my birthday.

<{eCholaLia}> u know if u have a 56k modem , u can save time
buy d/lin songs with the smallest amount of bitrate and
changing em after wards with a convertor
<Natus> i think you may be legally retarded

<Leo-chan> I have a large warehouse full of large weapons of
mass destruction
<webrunner> Destroying mass is against the laws of
thermodynamics!
<Leo-chan> screw the laws of thermodynamics!
* Leo-chan pulls out a perpetual motion machine
* webrunner stops the machine
* webrunner holds out a "Thermodynamics Police" badge

piratebot4: oh man
piratebot4: my friend
piratebot4: this really nice black girl
piratebot4: her name is regina
piratebot4: well, in class they were writting their names
backwards
piratebot4: and she realized
piratebot4: regina
piratebot4: a niger

<spleenex> EQ is like a 3D AOL chatroom with monsters :/

<DrSeuss> My dad was calling me gay and shit.
<DrSeuss> He was like "Youre a stupid queer! You cant even get
a girlfriend!"
<DrSeuss> Thats when I said "Shut up dad, you dont know
anything about my life!"
<DrSeuss> ...
<DrSeuss> So I grabbed my pom poms and left :(

<@drift_nax> i had 2 options
<@drift_nax> close the porn
<@drift_nax> or pull up my pants

<Aunt_Kwan> If you
<Aunt_Kwan> press enter
<Aunt_Kwan> before done with a sentance
<Aunt_Kwan> it makes you 
<Aunt_Kwan> look like you
<Aunt_Kwan> have asthma.

Sefy89: God my mom wont stop yelling
Dested: wat did u do this time?
Sefy89: i called her a lazy bitch and told her to get up and
do some work
Dested: ...doesnt your mom have a broken leg?
Sefy89: thus the noise

<flee> my favorite people to talk to on the phone are those
<flee> that are self-absorbed enough that all I have to do
<flee> is say "yup" and laugh at appropriate intervals.
<flee> it's only annoying when I don't know how to detach.
<flee> I should write a program that will say "yup" and
<flee> laugh for me.
<flee> of course, I can't tell anyone this.
<mrg> yup!
<mrg> hahahah

<@Aprentice> girls who fuck animals should be put in a mental
institute
<Rjx> or on TV

<Anime-Sama> While most people ask themselves "WWJD" (What
Would Jesus Do), I've decided to turn to the more appropriate
"WTGML," which is an acronym for "Will This Get Me Laid."

<Karnaugh> Nutmeg: are you still sexy?
<Nutmeg> no i lost photoshop

<Chalk> i got a new hard drive and i thought it was fucked cos
there was a really weird noise coming from it
<LocK> heh, that sucks
<Chalk> then i realsied there was a crow at my windoe
<Chalk> going raaaaaaaaw
<Chalk> stupid crow

<Murder-Is-Funny> I know this girl who is supposedly kinda
anti-social - so she says - and she's mentioned she doesnt go
many places or have many friends.. - but when I call her,
she's never home - whats that mean?
<Byte^> she has caller-id

<NyseriA> Things I've learned about war from videogames: If
you find yourself mortally wounded by an enemy sniper be sure
to let him know that he is a faggot.

<Gayo> I miss being able to type.
<Gayo> It was nice.
<Amy> ...
<Amy> What are you doing now then, using telepathy?
<Gayo> I'm dictating to my secretary
<Gayo> semicolon close parantheses

<Kaleidoscope> Alright, so this hermaphrodite walks into a
bar..
<r3c0n> go fuck urself
<Kaleidoscope> Oh, so you've heard this one before..

<Neo> I woke up the other morning at 4:00 am to find some
woman banging on my door. I was like, WTF?.... So I got up,
and let her out.

<tyrius> i have no job, no car, no gf
<tyrius> its 4am, sitting in my parents basement
<tyrius> my fingers are now permanent orange from the cheetos,
and so is my wang (dont ask)
<tyrius> and dont you hate it when you step in a puddle of
cum, then step in leftover dry ramen on the floor
<tyrius> if you let this shit dry, its impossible to get off.
like instant liquid cement
<tyrius> ...
<tyrius> hello
<ef_slinky> You make me feel so good about my life right now.
Thank you.